SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE COFFEE SHOP
THE CINNAMON BUN SITUATION
SCENE: Seating area outside a well-known coffee shop chain. A female customer brings over a coffee and a cinnamon bun. She sits down, staring at bun.
FEMALE
I dunno... This doesn't look fresh to me
MALE
How can you tell? I mean, what does a fresh roll look like?
FEMALE
Should look shiny and moist on the surface. This doesn't
(she uses a fork to break a piece off)
(cont'd.) Blech! This is not fresh! I knew it!
MALE
You're going to take it back, aren't you?
FEMALE
Yup. I'm not paying to eat stale food items. I'll be back...
(she takes the roll and returns to the coffee shop counter. Server approaches her, staring at bun)
(FEMALE cont'd.)
This is stale!
(FEMALE hands over plate with bun)
SERVER
Stale? We got it in this morning
FEMALE
Well then...you received a stale bun. Touch it and see for yourself
(server puts finger on bun and presses it)
SERVER
Feels fresh to me. I'll have to get the manager
(FEMALE waits at counter for manager. Manager approaches and server speaks softly to him)
FEMALE
The bun is stale
MANAGER
Impossible!
FEMALE
Maybe to you but to me, it's stale
MANAGER
I get fresh deliveries every morning. This is not stale!
FEMALE
Sorry but it is
MANAGER
Lady - you wanna come here 9 a.m. in the morning and see my deliveries?
FEMALE
Not really
MANAGER
It has to be fresh I'm telling you!
FEMALE
And I'm telling you it isn't! It's from yesterday
MANAGER
Lady - I don't sell stale stuff! I'm in the food business!
FEMALE
I'm not accusing you of selling stale food items but somehow, some way, this slipped by
MANAGER
(highly indignant and defensive)
I've been manager here for a long time and I'm telling you this is fresh! I know! So whad'ya want me to do, huh? You want a new one, I suppose. Right? Or maybe you want something else? Is that it? You wanna exchange it? Give the bun to me!
FEMALE
Take it easy! Everything is cool! Relax. It's only a cinammon bun!
MANAGER
Only a cinammon bun for you. You come here 9 a.m. in the morning and...
FEMALE
I have absolutely no desire to be here at 9 a.m. to monitor your delivery order. That's your business! Remember I'm the customer?
MANAGER
So...whad'ya want?
FEMALE
(looking over the display case)
So many items...hmmm... Okay. I'll take the cranberry-lemon muffin
MANAGER
Here. Enjoy
FEMALE
By the way - is it fresh?
Friday, December 30, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
My old soldiers are waiting for direction. I know where they're coming from!
The end of the year is almost here and that means a mere four months to work on re-working my short story, "Old Soldiers" in the hope of converting it into a radio play to enter in the British Council International Radio Playwriting Competition . The characters need flushing out and some type of direction as to their purpose.
"That's all, Eleanor? Piece of cake!"
On were it that easy.
Having never attempted writing a radio play, I'm somewhat intimidated. I mean, to what degree will the correct writing form for radio count?
"Oh look. The sound effects are on the wrong side of the page," a BBC reader might comment to another reader, after which it might be tossed on the slush pile.
To my credit (pat-pat on the back) I've made some progress and added dialogue but the challenge is the necessity of providing those tricky sound effects. This means that there has to be action, which can be heard and that will propel the story along. You just can't have the characters hang around say...a pub and talk. They have to do something to catch the listeners ear.
A purpose and reason for being there is required. Therein lies (or lay...whatever) the challenge.
A character chart would help me define the varous characteristics of the personalities, but I've never used one in the past. Then again, I've never tried writing a radio play. The ending seems logical but the trip to get there has to be refined.
Joe McKenna would understand.
Here's a small snippet of dialogue taken from the re-write as the "old soldiers" prepare to leave for a fellow soldier's funeral
AL
So who’s going to Percy’s funeral?
JOE
I am…and so is Mac
MIKE
Me too
AL
I’d like to go. There are so few of us left. Look at me with a walker. We were his friends for umpteen years and I mean, the man deserves some type of recognition. It's the least we can do. Can anyone give me a lift? So damn hard to climb up the bus steps and the bus drivers get so impatient...
MIKE
I'll bring along our flag. It's getting so thin I can see through it
JOE
Just like us. Old and worn out
The end of the year is almost here and that means a mere four months to work on re-working my short story, "Old Soldiers" in the hope of converting it into a radio play to enter in the British Council International Radio Playwriting Competition . The characters need flushing out and some type of direction as to their purpose.
"That's all, Eleanor? Piece of cake!"
On were it that easy.
Having never attempted writing a radio play, I'm somewhat intimidated. I mean, to what degree will the correct writing form for radio count?
"Oh look. The sound effects are on the wrong side of the page," a BBC reader might comment to another reader, after which it might be tossed on the slush pile.
To my credit (pat-pat on the back) I've made some progress and added dialogue but the challenge is the necessity of providing those tricky sound effects. This means that there has to be action, which can be heard and that will propel the story along. You just can't have the characters hang around say...a pub and talk. They have to do something to catch the listeners ear.
A purpose and reason for being there is required. Therein lies (or lay...whatever) the challenge.
A character chart would help me define the varous characteristics of the personalities, but I've never used one in the past. Then again, I've never tried writing a radio play. The ending seems logical but the trip to get there has to be refined.
Joe McKenna would understand.
Here's a small snippet of dialogue taken from the re-write as the "old soldiers" prepare to leave for a fellow soldier's funeral
AL
So who’s going to Percy’s funeral?
JOE
I am…and so is Mac
MIKE
Me too
AL
I’d like to go. There are so few of us left. Look at me with a walker. We were his friends for umpteen years and I mean, the man deserves some type of recognition. It's the least we can do. Can anyone give me a lift? So damn hard to climb up the bus steps and the bus drivers get so impatient...
MIKE
I'll bring along our flag. It's getting so thin I can see through it
JOE
Just like us. Old and worn out
Friday, December 23, 2011
SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
CHRISTMAS AT THE HAIRDRESSER
SCENE: A SMALL HAIR SALON. A FEW DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS. PEOPLE ARE SEATED ON CHAIRS WAITING FOR THEIR TURN. THE SOUND OF HAIR DRYERS OBLITERATES THE SOUND OF THE TV SET. CLIENT ENTERS WITH A SMALL GIFT BAG IN HAND
CLIENT 1
‘Hello all! Busy, busy, today, aren’t we?’
(Hair stylists turn to look at her as she passes, nod. CLIENT approaches PEGGY, hair stylist, who is absorbed in conversation with another female, LATE CLIENT)
PEGGY
I really can’t do streaks today. I’m sorry but you’re over an hour late and look – my customer is here already
(PEGGY turns to CLIENT 1as does the late client)
CLIENT 1
Um...yes. I’m here for my appointment
PEGGY
See? She’s here on time!
(LATE CLIENT stares at PEGGY and then at CLIENT 1)
LATE CLIENT
But...when am I gonna get my hair done? Look – it’s a disaster!
PEGGY
Like I told you – you’re here an hour late. I tried to call you...
LATE CLIENT
...like I told you – I moved so that’s why you couldn’t reach me
PEGGY
Uh-huh... Well, that still doesn’t change anything. There is absolutely no way I can do your streaks today...or tomorrow
(LATE CLIENT moves close to PEGGY to discuss it further)
PEGGY
...no – it’s impossible....really I can’t...it’s not fair to my client...
CLIENT 1
Yes – it’s not fair to me! I have things to do – places to go...
LATE CLIENT
I’m sorry I’m late but I had to get here from the city by bus and...that’s why I’m late. Like I said – I moved. Guess I’ll have to wait
CLIENT 1
Your hair doesn’t look that bad
LATE CLIENT
Not to worry. I’ll just trim the front myself
PEGGY
No!!! Don’t do that! Look – sit down and I’ll at least cut your bangs (turning to CLIENT 1) ‘It’ll only take a couple of minutes’
LATE CLIENT
...traffic was bad – you know, Christmas and all...
PEGGY
(distracted)
...uh-huh... There.
(rolls chair back and starts to help LATE CLIENT out)
PEGGY (cont’d)
Call me. Okay? I’m sorry but you were late...
(PEGGY kisses LATE CLIENT on either cheek. LATE CLIENT leaves looking forlorn)
PEGGY
Why do I have to feel guilty, huh? Why?
MARY (other hair stylist)
She was friggin’ late! Not your fault!
CLIENT 1
(sitting down in chair)
If you would have done her hair now, all your other clients would have had to wait, including me
PEGGY
She tells me she moved but I called her before and got her answering machine. Does a person who moved still keep an answering machine on?
CLIENT 1
Perhaps...I mean, of course not! She was making excuses, probably
PEGGY
(picking up appointment book full of written appointments)
I mean, look! I’m full up for today AND tomorrow! Why am I felling guilty!
MARY
You shouldn’t! Feeling sick...
PEGGY
Take tea or something
MARY
(opening box of cough drops and taking one)
PEGGY
You shouldn’t take so many. They’ll upset your stomach
CLIENT 1
How often does the box say you can taken them?
MARY
(reading side of box)
‘...take as needed...’ (pops one into her mouth) Anyway, my doctor says they’re useless
CLIENT 1
So why take them?
PEGGY
They’re probably just candy, anyway
(phone rings)
MARY
Friggin phone! ‘Shut up!’ Never stops!
PEGGY
That’s why they pay us the big bucks, honey! To do clients hair
(PETER, male stylist stomps by, grabbing towel for hair)
PETER
Same shit – different smell...!
CLIENT 1
Oh I like that – never quite heard it expressed that way
MARY
I told him that!
PETER
Whatever...okay – you told me that...
CLIENT 1
Oh – almost forgot to give you this
(hands PEGGY small red bag)
CLIENT 1
‘Merry Christmas’! Figured rather than get you something you probably have a million of at home, a gift card is more practical
PEGGY
Oh you shouldn’t...it’s not necessary...but thank you. You’re right. This is the perfect gift
CLIENT1
BTW – we’re going lighter today
PEGGY
You don’t want streaks, right?
CLIENT1
No worry – no streaks
PEGGY
Good because streaks are out of the question. Gee – I hope my client got home okay...I mean, she’s not young or anything
CLIENT1
I’m sure she did
PEGGY
You think so? What happens if she really moved into town and she has to wait for busses and...
MARY
She has an answering machine, remember?
PEGGY
Oh yeah! Forgot about that. Anyway, two more days and I won’t have to think about streaks, or cuts, or blow-dry.
(phone rings – PEGGY answers)
‘No – like I told you an hour ago – I can’t do your streaks! Really... Where can I get in touch with you in case I have a few cancellations? That’s your old number isn't it? Didn’t you tell me you moved?’
Friday, December 16, 2011
SANTA SLIMS DOWN: a Christmas story of rebellion and compromise
By Eleanor Tylbor
My annual sharing of the play focusing on Santa's need to lose weight in order to fly on Christmas Eve.
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
SANTA CLAUS – the jolly, old elf himself who ate one too many cookies
MRS. CLAUS – Santa's faithful wife, who is worried about Santa’s cholestrol
RUDOLPH AND THE REINDEER GANG
SCENE: SANTA'S WORKSHOP, TWO WEEKS BEFORE "THE" TRIP. SANTA IS CHECKING OVER HIS TOYS.
AT RISE: A MUCH MORE PLUMP THAN USUAL SANTA IS SITTING AT A TABLE FILLED WITH TOYS. HE MUNCHES ON COOKIES WHILE CHECKING OVER THE TOYS. A GROUP OF ELVES WATCH.
SANTA
(laughing/chuckling)
Excellent job as usual! These toys are going to make a lot of kids happy
ELVES
(together)
"Thank you, Santa! We try out best'
(There is a loud knock on the door and Rudolph, accompanied by Donner and Blitzen barge in)
SANTA
This is an expected surprise, boys. To what do I owe this visit?
RUDOLPH
(moving his antlers from side-to-side defiantly)
We're here to give you a message, Santa
RUDOLPH
It’s about cookies
SANTA
(eating one cookie after another)
Mmm - so good. Love those chocolate chips. You want one of these cookies? Why didn’t you say so? Plenty enough to go ‘round
RUDOLPH
That's the problem. Santa, there's something we really gotta tell you…
DONNER
- it's real important-like…
BLITZEN
…major important
RUDOLPH
(Turns around and addresses DONNER and BLITZEN)
Is there an echo, here? Did you not make me, Rudolph, the spokes-deer? Maybe one of youse wants’ta take over?
DONNER
(staring down at his hooves)
And…you do a great job, Rudy. Super job
BLITZEN
You our main reindeer, man!
RUDOLPH
I mean, if one of youse guys can say it better…
DONNER
No-no… You’re the best
RUDOLPH
So lemme do the job! Cheez – everyone wants'ta be a star… Now where was I? See Santa, we're worried!
DONNER AND BLITZEN
(together)
Real worried!
RUDOLPH
(whirling around)
Hello? D'ya mind?
SANTA nibbles on a cookie while watching a train run around a track
SANTA
Oh my-oh-my! I love watching the train speed around the track. Um… Worried? About what, boys? Now just look at this train go. The elves finished it this very morning
RUDOLPH
How can I say this nicely -
DONNER AND BLITZEN
Just tell him! You gotta!
RUDOLPH
(whirling around)
One more word from either of youse…
DONNER/BLITZEN
Sor-ree! We're just trying to help…
RUDOLPH
Well don't! You elected me head of the North Pole Reindeer Union so lemme do the job!
SANTA
What’s this all about, boys? Could one of you tell me?
RUDOLPH
I'm tryin' Santa, I'm really tryin’ if only these two big mouths would let me
BLITZEN
We promise we won't say another word, See? We’re zipping our mouths closed
DONNER
Maybe one word - two at the most. Sorry…
RUDOLPH
It's about your - um - well… Your shape
SANTA
(laughing)
My shape? I’m Santa! I’m supposed to look this way
RUDOLPH
It's um - very round
SANTA
(laughing)
This is not news, Rudolph. Now if you'll excuse me…I’m very busy here…
RUDOLPH
Much more than usual, Santa. Much… much… more
SANTA
I’ve always looked like this. You know that!
RUDOLPH
It hurts me to hav'ta tell you this but as the official spokes-deer and according to the rules in the signed hoof agreement, paragraph three, section 9, I’m here to say that unless you lose weight, we ain't leaving the Pole
DONNER
He's right. We can't pull a sleigh filled with toys AND you too
SANTA
But-but…I look the same as I’ve always looked.
Santa rushes over to a mirror and examines himself
SANTA
Maybe I did put on a few extra pounds here and there… But you can't expect me to lose weight in such a short time
RUDOLPH
D’ya know how hard it is to fly through the air, dragin' a full sleigh of toys and and over-weight Santa?
OTHER REINDEER PEERING IN AT WINDOW
Hard..hard..very hard
DONNER
It’s a big pain in the back for sure!
RUDOLPH
Did I ask for more opinions. Did I?
(The reindeer dart away from the window)
RUDOLPH
Like I was sayin’… You gotta do something 'bout it, boss, or we're stayin' Pole-side this Christmas!
SANTA
You - you can't do that! What will happen to all the children waiting for their gifts on Christmas Eve? I won't hear of it
RUDOLPH
Lissen boss, we gotta ‘tink of our health, too. Do I gotta remind you ‘bout last year and all the trouble gettin' the sleigh off the ground? We seen you hittin' the hot chocolate and cookies in the middle of the night when Mother Claus was asleep! One week Santa. You gots one week
(Santa stands in shock as the three reindeer file out shaking their heads)
SANTA
(calling out)
This is unheard of! Santa Claus without his reindeer? What am I to do? 'Mother Claus- we have a major problem!'
(MRS. CLAUS comes running in to the room)
MRS. CLAUS
What is it, dear? The trains not producing smoke, again?
SANTA
Worse! From now on they'll be no more hot chocolate or cookies for me. I have to lose weight!
MRS. CLAUS
Did you say something about cookies, dear? I just took a new batch out of the oven
SANTA
Did you hear what I said, mother? The reindeer told me I'm too heavy for them to pull. Imagine! Me, Santa too heavy for my sleigh!
MRS. CLAUS
But dear, Santa Claus is supposed to be…you know - large-ish. Mind you - you have put on a few pounds here and there...and everywhere
SANTA
Why didn't you tell me? I just had a visit from three of the reindeer and they told me none of them will fly unless I can lose some weight!
MRS. CLAUS
But…it's only two weeks to Christmas Eve. Do you think you can do without your chocolate chip cookies?
SANTA
I gotta! I have too much to lose and it’s not only the weight I’m talking about. What will I tell the boys and girls? No! I have to lose weight!
MRS. CLAUS
No more cookies. I'll just throw out the ones I just made…
SANTA
Maybe we're doing this too quick - a few cookies can't hurt
MRS. CLAUS
Now Santa – you have a responsibility to all the children around the world. Do you want to let them down?
SANTA
Um - I'm just going outside to check on things
MRS. CLAUS
What are you hiding behind your back, Santa? Come on – hand them over
(SANTA hands over a handful of cookies)
MRS. CLAUS
Every time you get the urge for a cookie, think about the children!
SANTA
You're right, Mother. Do we still have that exercycle that the reindeer gave me as a gift, last year?
MRS. CLAUS
Of course! It's in the reindeer barn
SANTA
Get the elves to bring it here right away. There's no time like the present to start and just one week to go…I hope I can do it…I have to do it! I must do it!
SCENE TWO
SCENE: SANTA is exercising on his exercycle in red long-johns
SANTA
Whew! This isn't easy. Mother - bring me the scale!
(MRS. CLAUS brings over a scale)
MRS. CLAUS
I do hope you've lost some weight!
(SANTA gets on the scale attempting to see the weight but can't see over his belly)
SANTA
So? What does it say?
MRS. CLAUS
You've lost one pound, dear. Have you been doing some secret snacking?
SANTA
No… Really… Well…maybe one or two once in a while. We better call in the reindeer I suppose
RUDOLPH, DONNER AND BLITZEN enter
RUDOLPH
Only one pound, Santa? One gift weighs more than that. Guess the boys and girls won't get their gifts this year, right guys?
DONNER AND BLITZEN
Still not enough.. Still not enough..
(The reindeer exit, shaking their heads)
SANTA
What am I to do now? Just four more days… Maybe if I eat a cookie, I'll feel better..
MRS. CLAUS
Santa! This is how you got to be this way in the first place! Now back on the treadmill!
SANTA gets back on the treadmill
SCENE THREE
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS. A VISIBLY SLIMMER SANTA CALLS IN THE REINDEER
SANTA
So boys? Whad’ya think? Will it do it?
RUDOLPH
You look like you dropped some weight. Whad'ya think boys?
BLITZEN
He looks leaner…I'll fly if the others agree
SANTA
I lost ten whole pounds!
DONNER
I'm ready to go. There's something we forgot to tell you. There are a few things we'd like to have in the future – you know - to prepare us for the long trip?
SANTA
Like what boys?
DONNER
We'd like a fancy meal before we leave. Grass and forest greens don't do it for us.
SANTA
No problem! I’m all in favor of good healthy food. Healthy eating is the way to go
BLITZEN
It’s not exactly salads we had in mind. We’d like…all-dressed pizza!
SANTA
Now Blitzen, you know that's not the right type of food to maintain a healthy weight. No more late night bad food deliveries to the Pole. I need you guys all nice and slim, too, for future trip. Greens… Lots of Vitamin C…roughage…from now on, they'll be a daily exercise program at the North Pole, and I expect every reindeer to take part. And I have you all to thank for my change
DONNER
(aside to Rudolph, whistfully)
No more pizza deliveries?
BLITZEN
Gee thanks Rudolph!
DONNER
Yeah – thanks Rudy!
SANTA
I know you boys will like the changes. No more junk food in the workshop! You helped me lose some extra pounds and I'm thankful for your help. A healthy Santa is important if I'm going to do the job properly. Now, let's go deliver some gifts to good girls and boys! C'mon boys – it's time!
(SANTA exits, accompanied by the reindeer)
We're leaving mother! Better have some cookies…I mean of course, veggies and fruit when we come back!
BLITZEN
Did anyone tell you that you have a big mouth, Rudolph?
DONNER
…a big one…very big…
The reindeer exit
SANTA'S VOICE – OFFSTAGE
‘Now Dancer, now Prancer, Comet.and .Blitzen –up, up in the air we go!’ Rudolph? Is that you I hear complaining? You’ll get used to it! A healthy deer is a happy deer!
RUDOLPH
Yeah…happy… I’m so happy…
MRS. CLAUS
Thank goodness everything turned out in the end.
(Staring at herself in a long mirror)
Didn’t do me any harm, either. 'Merry Christmas, Santa! Merry Christmas reindeer!'
© Eleanor Tylbor, 2005
By Eleanor Tylbor
My annual sharing of the play focusing on Santa's need to lose weight in order to fly on Christmas Eve.
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
SANTA CLAUS – the jolly, old elf himself who ate one too many cookies
MRS. CLAUS – Santa's faithful wife, who is worried about Santa’s cholestrol
RUDOLPH AND THE REINDEER GANG
SCENE: SANTA'S WORKSHOP, TWO WEEKS BEFORE "THE" TRIP. SANTA IS CHECKING OVER HIS TOYS.
AT RISE: A MUCH MORE PLUMP THAN USUAL SANTA IS SITTING AT A TABLE FILLED WITH TOYS. HE MUNCHES ON COOKIES WHILE CHECKING OVER THE TOYS. A GROUP OF ELVES WATCH.
SANTA
(laughing/chuckling)
Excellent job as usual! These toys are going to make a lot of kids happy
ELVES
(together)
"Thank you, Santa! We try out best'
(There is a loud knock on the door and Rudolph, accompanied by Donner and Blitzen barge in)
SANTA
This is an expected surprise, boys. To what do I owe this visit?
RUDOLPH
(moving his antlers from side-to-side defiantly)
We're here to give you a message, Santa
RUDOLPH
It’s about cookies
SANTA
(eating one cookie after another)
Mmm - so good. Love those chocolate chips. You want one of these cookies? Why didn’t you say so? Plenty enough to go ‘round
RUDOLPH
That's the problem. Santa, there's something we really gotta tell you…
DONNER
- it's real important-like…
BLITZEN
…major important
RUDOLPH
(Turns around and addresses DONNER and BLITZEN)
Is there an echo, here? Did you not make me, Rudolph, the spokes-deer? Maybe one of youse wants’ta take over?
DONNER
(staring down at his hooves)
And…you do a great job, Rudy. Super job
BLITZEN
You our main reindeer, man!
RUDOLPH
I mean, if one of youse guys can say it better…
DONNER
No-no… You’re the best
RUDOLPH
So lemme do the job! Cheez – everyone wants'ta be a star… Now where was I? See Santa, we're worried!
DONNER AND BLITZEN
(together)
Real worried!
RUDOLPH
(whirling around)
Hello? D'ya mind?
SANTA nibbles on a cookie while watching a train run around a track
SANTA
Oh my-oh-my! I love watching the train speed around the track. Um… Worried? About what, boys? Now just look at this train go. The elves finished it this very morning
RUDOLPH
How can I say this nicely -
DONNER AND BLITZEN
Just tell him! You gotta!
RUDOLPH
(whirling around)
One more word from either of youse…
DONNER/BLITZEN
Sor-ree! We're just trying to help…
RUDOLPH
Well don't! You elected me head of the North Pole Reindeer Union so lemme do the job!
SANTA
What’s this all about, boys? Could one of you tell me?
RUDOLPH
I'm tryin' Santa, I'm really tryin’ if only these two big mouths would let me
BLITZEN
We promise we won't say another word, See? We’re zipping our mouths closed
DONNER
Maybe one word - two at the most. Sorry…
RUDOLPH
It's about your - um - well… Your shape
SANTA
(laughing)
My shape? I’m Santa! I’m supposed to look this way
RUDOLPH
It's um - very round
SANTA
(laughing)
This is not news, Rudolph. Now if you'll excuse me…I’m very busy here…
RUDOLPH
Much more than usual, Santa. Much… much… more
SANTA
I’ve always looked like this. You know that!
RUDOLPH
It hurts me to hav'ta tell you this but as the official spokes-deer and according to the rules in the signed hoof agreement, paragraph three, section 9, I’m here to say that unless you lose weight, we ain't leaving the Pole
DONNER
He's right. We can't pull a sleigh filled with toys AND you too
SANTA
But-but…I look the same as I’ve always looked.
Santa rushes over to a mirror and examines himself
SANTA
Maybe I did put on a few extra pounds here and there… But you can't expect me to lose weight in such a short time
RUDOLPH
D’ya know how hard it is to fly through the air, dragin' a full sleigh of toys and and over-weight Santa?
OTHER REINDEER PEERING IN AT WINDOW
Hard..hard..very hard
DONNER
It’s a big pain in the back for sure!
RUDOLPH
Did I ask for more opinions. Did I?
(The reindeer dart away from the window)
RUDOLPH
Like I was sayin’… You gotta do something 'bout it, boss, or we're stayin' Pole-side this Christmas!
SANTA
You - you can't do that! What will happen to all the children waiting for their gifts on Christmas Eve? I won't hear of it
RUDOLPH
Lissen boss, we gotta ‘tink of our health, too. Do I gotta remind you ‘bout last year and all the trouble gettin' the sleigh off the ground? We seen you hittin' the hot chocolate and cookies in the middle of the night when Mother Claus was asleep! One week Santa. You gots one week
(Santa stands in shock as the three reindeer file out shaking their heads)
SANTA
(calling out)
This is unheard of! Santa Claus without his reindeer? What am I to do? 'Mother Claus- we have a major problem!'
(MRS. CLAUS comes running in to the room)
MRS. CLAUS
What is it, dear? The trains not producing smoke, again?
SANTA
Worse! From now on they'll be no more hot chocolate or cookies for me. I have to lose weight!
MRS. CLAUS
Did you say something about cookies, dear? I just took a new batch out of the oven
SANTA
Did you hear what I said, mother? The reindeer told me I'm too heavy for them to pull. Imagine! Me, Santa too heavy for my sleigh!
MRS. CLAUS
But dear, Santa Claus is supposed to be…you know - large-ish. Mind you - you have put on a few pounds here and there...and everywhere
SANTA
Why didn't you tell me? I just had a visit from three of the reindeer and they told me none of them will fly unless I can lose some weight!
MRS. CLAUS
But…it's only two weeks to Christmas Eve. Do you think you can do without your chocolate chip cookies?
SANTA
I gotta! I have too much to lose and it’s not only the weight I’m talking about. What will I tell the boys and girls? No! I have to lose weight!
MRS. CLAUS
No more cookies. I'll just throw out the ones I just made…
SANTA
Maybe we're doing this too quick - a few cookies can't hurt
MRS. CLAUS
Now Santa – you have a responsibility to all the children around the world. Do you want to let them down?
SANTA
Um - I'm just going outside to check on things
MRS. CLAUS
What are you hiding behind your back, Santa? Come on – hand them over
(SANTA hands over a handful of cookies)
MRS. CLAUS
Every time you get the urge for a cookie, think about the children!
SANTA
You're right, Mother. Do we still have that exercycle that the reindeer gave me as a gift, last year?
MRS. CLAUS
Of course! It's in the reindeer barn
SANTA
Get the elves to bring it here right away. There's no time like the present to start and just one week to go…I hope I can do it…I have to do it! I must do it!
SCENE TWO
SCENE: SANTA is exercising on his exercycle in red long-johns
SANTA
Whew! This isn't easy. Mother - bring me the scale!
(MRS. CLAUS brings over a scale)
MRS. CLAUS
I do hope you've lost some weight!
(SANTA gets on the scale attempting to see the weight but can't see over his belly)
SANTA
So? What does it say?
MRS. CLAUS
You've lost one pound, dear. Have you been doing some secret snacking?
SANTA
No… Really… Well…maybe one or two once in a while. We better call in the reindeer I suppose
RUDOLPH, DONNER AND BLITZEN enter
RUDOLPH
Only one pound, Santa? One gift weighs more than that. Guess the boys and girls won't get their gifts this year, right guys?
DONNER AND BLITZEN
Still not enough.. Still not enough..
(The reindeer exit, shaking their heads)
SANTA
What am I to do now? Just four more days… Maybe if I eat a cookie, I'll feel better..
MRS. CLAUS
Santa! This is how you got to be this way in the first place! Now back on the treadmill!
SANTA gets back on the treadmill
SCENE THREE
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS. A VISIBLY SLIMMER SANTA CALLS IN THE REINDEER
SANTA
So boys? Whad’ya think? Will it do it?
RUDOLPH
You look like you dropped some weight. Whad'ya think boys?
BLITZEN
He looks leaner…I'll fly if the others agree
SANTA
I lost ten whole pounds!
DONNER
I'm ready to go. There's something we forgot to tell you. There are a few things we'd like to have in the future – you know - to prepare us for the long trip?
SANTA
Like what boys?
DONNER
We'd like a fancy meal before we leave. Grass and forest greens don't do it for us.
SANTA
No problem! I’m all in favor of good healthy food. Healthy eating is the way to go
BLITZEN
It’s not exactly salads we had in mind. We’d like…all-dressed pizza!
SANTA
Now Blitzen, you know that's not the right type of food to maintain a healthy weight. No more late night bad food deliveries to the Pole. I need you guys all nice and slim, too, for future trip. Greens… Lots of Vitamin C…roughage…from now on, they'll be a daily exercise program at the North Pole, and I expect every reindeer to take part. And I have you all to thank for my change
DONNER
(aside to Rudolph, whistfully)
No more pizza deliveries?
BLITZEN
Gee thanks Rudolph!
DONNER
Yeah – thanks Rudy!
SANTA
I know you boys will like the changes. No more junk food in the workshop! You helped me lose some extra pounds and I'm thankful for your help. A healthy Santa is important if I'm going to do the job properly. Now, let's go deliver some gifts to good girls and boys! C'mon boys – it's time!
(SANTA exits, accompanied by the reindeer)
We're leaving mother! Better have some cookies…I mean of course, veggies and fruit when we come back!
BLITZEN
Did anyone tell you that you have a big mouth, Rudolph?
DONNER
…a big one…very big…
The reindeer exit
SANTA'S VOICE – OFFSTAGE
‘Now Dancer, now Prancer, Comet.and .Blitzen –up, up in the air we go!’ Rudolph? Is that you I hear complaining? You’ll get used to it! A healthy deer is a happy deer!
RUDOLPH
Yeah…happy… I’m so happy…
MRS. CLAUS
Thank goodness everything turned out in the end.
(Staring at herself in a long mirror)
Didn’t do me any harm, either. 'Merry Christmas, Santa! Merry Christmas reindeer!'
© Eleanor Tylbor, 2005
Thursday, December 15, 2011
BARBIE THROWS A CHRISTMAS PARTY - ALONG WITH SOME FRIENDS
SCENE: THE MALIBU HOME OF BARBIE, THE WELL KNOWN BORDERING ON FAMOUS, VINYL FASHIONISTA. BARBIE, ON TIPPY-TOE, IS DECORATING HER CHRISTMAS TREE, WHILE SINGING. SHE IS INTERRUPTED BY THE SOUNDS OF MACHINE GUN FIRE OUTSIDE.
BARBIE
"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...Jack Frost nipping at..." Just what I need now
(the door flings open and G.I. Joe, machine gun in hand, backs into the room)
G.I. JOE
(whirling around to face BARBIE)
Don’chu fear – G.I. is here!
BARBIE
How could I like...miss you. Can’t you just like...knock on the door or ring the bell like normal people?
G.I. JOE
How many times do I gotta tell you, babe – G.I. Joe is not like normal people
BARBIE
You are so right
G.I. JOE
Thank you, babe. A soldier’s gotta do what a soldier’s gotta do. You never got to worry about the enemy when I’m around
BARBIE
Like...that’s the problem, Joe...
G.I. JOE
(moving furtively around the room, searching)
...is it the enemy? I’ll handle it. Don’t worry...
(G.I. JOE checks up the chimney and Christmas decorations fly off the mantle as he moves out. He whirls his arms in a frenzy to remove them)
G.I. JOE
I’ve taken care of these enemy – um – tinsel thingies because – um – you can’t be too careful
BARBIE
Oh Joe – now look what you’ve done! Those were the last five hundred packages of tinsel!
G.I. JOE
Hey – they could have been – um – dangerous or something... A soldier’s gotta do what a soldier –
BARBIE
- I know. ...gotta do.. Now Joe – I’m having my Christmas party tonight and I want you to like... try and act normal, okay?
G.I. JOE
Hey! You don’t have to worry ‘bout me, babe! I’ll blend in the crowd
BARBIE
That’s what worries me! Can you, like...forget about the machine gun for one night, maybe?
G.I. JOE
No can do, babe. (caresses the machine gun) We’re never apart. We shower together, eat together. We do everything together. Hey – I even sleep with her
BARBIE
Her? You’ve given your weapon a sex?
G.I. JOE
Hey! G.I. Joe is not a prevert! We’re just...close, right sweetheart?
BARBIE
You are too much...
G.I. JOE
I know. That's why you like me around
BARBIE
And the word is “pervert”.
G.I. JOE
Prevert...covert...it’s all the same
BARBIE
Sometimes I really worry about you... You're so grammatically-challenged
G.I. JOE
Thanks, babe! I know! My teachers used to tell me the same thing!
BARBIE
So...like...all my best and closest friends will be here so try and act normal
G.I. JOE
Depends
BARBIE
What do you mean?
G.I. JOE
Who'll be here. First I hav'ta frisk them
BARBIE
Not! My friends are not the enemy, Joe! Mind you, a couple of managers... Please don't frisk them or pat them down
G.I. JOE
The Bratz girls didn't mind. I patted them down five times and they wanted more. See? Some people 'preciate Joe's extra care
(there is a knock on the door and G.I. Joe jumps up and hides behind the couch, his gun facing the door)
G.I. JOE
Pretend you’re alone, babe. I’m watching your back
BARBIE
If only you'd watch and not act
(BARBIE opens the door and KEN poses, leaning on his surf board)
KEN
It’s me! Ken! Back from...back from...gimme a sec – I’ll remember..
BARBIE
Swallowed too much water, have we?
KEN
It”s me! Your Ken! Back from –
BARBIE
- you already said that and you're not "my Ken." Remember? Why am I asking you that...
KEN
The last thing I remember was being on a beach...some dude with a funny accent was dead or something...
BARBIE
(rolling her eyes)
Um...Ken – it’s winter and like...a ton of snow on the ground. Shouldn’t you put something on over your surfer trunks?
KEN
(looking down)
I wanna be prepared in case a good wave comes ashore. Can’t be too prepared.
(KEN suddenly is distracted and looks off into the distance)
KEN
“Hi! My name is Ken! I’m a surfer dude! And what’s your name, pretty girl?”
(G.I. Joe jumps out of his hiding place and faces KEN)
G.I. JOE
Well if it isn’t the cutesy-wootsy surfer boy! Or maybe you’re pretending to be the surfer boy. Lemme frisk you to make sure...
KEN
Well – if you insist...
(G.I. JOE pats down KEN)
KEN
And who might you be? I’m Ken and I’m a surfer! Wanna ride the waves together?
BARBIE
Oh my! Look at the time! I have to go and change into one of my new five hundred outfits. The two of you like...sit down and act normal. What am I saying?
(BARBIE leaves the room. There is a knock on the door and as KEN goes to answer it, G.I. JOE springs into action, hiding behind the couch. KEN opens the door)
BLAIN
Hello! Remember me? I don't. I think I'm Blain. From Australia?
KEN
Your face does look familiar... Were you lying on sand somewhere? I’m Ken and I’m a surfer. Wanna ride the waves together? We could have so much fun!
(BARBIE hops down the stairs and rushes over to greet BLAIN)
BARBIE
Blain! Oh Blain! You made it to my party!
BLAIN
I did? Oh yeah. How did I get here? My head hurts...
(G.I. JOE springs out from his hiding place)
G.I. JOE
Cease and desist, babe! I gotta check this guy out! The enemy wears many faces and this guy talks funny
To be continued: Who else will turn up and what will happen when Blain remembers?
SCENE: THE MALIBU HOME OF BARBIE, THE WELL KNOWN BORDERING ON FAMOUS, VINYL FASHIONISTA. BARBIE, ON TIPPY-TOE, IS DECORATING HER CHRISTMAS TREE, WHILE SINGING. SHE IS INTERRUPTED BY THE SOUNDS OF MACHINE GUN FIRE OUTSIDE.
BARBIE
"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...Jack Frost nipping at..." Just what I need now
(the door flings open and G.I. Joe, machine gun in hand, backs into the room)
G.I. JOE
(whirling around to face BARBIE)
Don’chu fear – G.I. is here!
BARBIE
How could I like...miss you. Can’t you just like...knock on the door or ring the bell like normal people?
G.I. JOE
How many times do I gotta tell you, babe – G.I. Joe is not like normal people
BARBIE
You are so right
G.I. JOE
Thank you, babe. A soldier’s gotta do what a soldier’s gotta do. You never got to worry about the enemy when I’m around
BARBIE
Like...that’s the problem, Joe...
G.I. JOE
(moving furtively around the room, searching)
...is it the enemy? I’ll handle it. Don’t worry...
(G.I. JOE checks up the chimney and Christmas decorations fly off the mantle as he moves out. He whirls his arms in a frenzy to remove them)
G.I. JOE
I’ve taken care of these enemy – um – tinsel thingies because – um – you can’t be too careful
BARBIE
Oh Joe – now look what you’ve done! Those were the last five hundred packages of tinsel!
G.I. JOE
Hey – they could have been – um – dangerous or something... A soldier’s gotta do what a soldier –
BARBIE
- I know. ...gotta do.. Now Joe – I’m having my Christmas party tonight and I want you to like... try and act normal, okay?
G.I. JOE
Hey! You don’t have to worry ‘bout me, babe! I’ll blend in the crowd
BARBIE
That’s what worries me! Can you, like...forget about the machine gun for one night, maybe?
G.I. JOE
No can do, babe. (caresses the machine gun) We’re never apart. We shower together, eat together. We do everything together. Hey – I even sleep with her
BARBIE
Her? You’ve given your weapon a sex?
G.I. JOE
Hey! G.I. Joe is not a prevert! We’re just...close, right sweetheart?
BARBIE
You are too much...
G.I. JOE
I know. That's why you like me around
BARBIE
And the word is “pervert”.
G.I. JOE
Prevert...covert...it’s all the same
BARBIE
Sometimes I really worry about you... You're so grammatically-challenged
G.I. JOE
Thanks, babe! I know! My teachers used to tell me the same thing!
BARBIE
So...like...all my best and closest friends will be here so try and act normal
G.I. JOE
Depends
BARBIE
What do you mean?
G.I. JOE
Who'll be here. First I hav'ta frisk them
BARBIE
Not! My friends are not the enemy, Joe! Mind you, a couple of managers... Please don't frisk them or pat them down
G.I. JOE
The Bratz girls didn't mind. I patted them down five times and they wanted more. See? Some people 'preciate Joe's extra care
(there is a knock on the door and G.I. Joe jumps up and hides behind the couch, his gun facing the door)
G.I. JOE
Pretend you’re alone, babe. I’m watching your back
BARBIE
If only you'd watch and not act
(BARBIE opens the door and KEN poses, leaning on his surf board)
KEN
It’s me! Ken! Back from...back from...gimme a sec – I’ll remember..
BARBIE
Swallowed too much water, have we?
KEN
It”s me! Your Ken! Back from –
BARBIE
- you already said that and you're not "my Ken." Remember? Why am I asking you that...
KEN
The last thing I remember was being on a beach...some dude with a funny accent was dead or something...
BARBIE
(rolling her eyes)
Um...Ken – it’s winter and like...a ton of snow on the ground. Shouldn’t you put something on over your surfer trunks?
KEN
(looking down)
I wanna be prepared in case a good wave comes ashore. Can’t be too prepared.
(KEN suddenly is distracted and looks off into the distance)
KEN
“Hi! My name is Ken! I’m a surfer dude! And what’s your name, pretty girl?”
(G.I. Joe jumps out of his hiding place and faces KEN)
G.I. JOE
Well if it isn’t the cutesy-wootsy surfer boy! Or maybe you’re pretending to be the surfer boy. Lemme frisk you to make sure...
KEN
Well – if you insist...
(G.I. JOE pats down KEN)
KEN
And who might you be? I’m Ken and I’m a surfer! Wanna ride the waves together?
BARBIE
Oh my! Look at the time! I have to go and change into one of my new five hundred outfits. The two of you like...sit down and act normal. What am I saying?
(BARBIE leaves the room. There is a knock on the door and as KEN goes to answer it, G.I. JOE springs into action, hiding behind the couch. KEN opens the door)
BLAIN
Hello! Remember me? I don't. I think I'm Blain. From Australia?
KEN
Your face does look familiar... Were you lying on sand somewhere? I’m Ken and I’m a surfer. Wanna ride the waves together? We could have so much fun!
(BARBIE hops down the stairs and rushes over to greet BLAIN)
BARBIE
Blain! Oh Blain! You made it to my party!
BLAIN
I did? Oh yeah. How did I get here? My head hurts...
(G.I. JOE springs out from his hiding place)
G.I. JOE
Cease and desist, babe! I gotta check this guy out! The enemy wears many faces and this guy talks funny
To be continued: Who else will turn up and what will happen when Blain remembers?
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