So Sarah Palin returns to "normal" life and starts making the rounds of the talk shows.
DR. PHIL walks on to the TV set and greets the audience
DR. PHIL
Hi there, folks! This is a great and news-making and earth-shattering and super-duper-pooper day because - right here in front of your very eyes and on TV's around the world, our guest today is Sarah Palin!
(audience cheers)
It's true - I swear it! Would, I, Dr. Phil lie to you all? Look - my fingers aren't crossed! Just a joke... Sarah's gonna be here and we're gonna talk about...stuff. You know, Alaska...Russia...the prank phone call... What's it like to lose... Meanwhile, put your hands together and welcome... SARAH PALIN!
(audience cheers)
(SARAH PALIN walks on to the stage, waving and throwing kisses to everyone. She stops half-way and throws more kisses, smiles)
DR. PHIL
Hey Sarah...sweetie! C'mon over here, darlin'!
(she ignores him and continues to wave to audience, who is now on their feet and applauding wildly)
DR. PHIL
Um...Sarah? This is my show? Hello?
(ROBIN, Dr. Phil's wife walks on stage and pushes her from behind until she is directly in front of DR. PHIL)
DR. PHIL
Now ain't that nice? Robin really loves this woman, y'know! Right Robin? 'Course she does!Now sit down, Sarah, honey!
(SARAH is still waving and throwing kisses)
DR. PHIL
(placing a hand on either shoulder)
I said...sit down! Okay. That's better. I'm the only one who stands up on this show. So Sarah - how does it feel to be a loser?
SARAH P.
Loser? You're a loser, Dr. Phil! The whole media are losers! Everyone in the whole world are losers.
(the audience responds by applauding loudly and cheering)
SARAH P.
See? They agree! Yeah! I'm a loser, alright! You better believe it!
DR. PHIL
Now...Sarah. When did you first experience these feelings of persecution?
SARAH P.
The minute I bought these new glasses. I mean, I needed a new prescription so I went out and bought new frames! Is there anything wrong with that? Suddenly, everyone is wearing the exact same frames! They could have bought other models but nooooo - they bought the exact same one's as me! Why did they do that, Dr. Phil?
DR. PHIL
(finger on chin, pensive)
Cheez - I dunno, Sarah... Maybe they were on sale or something? Never mind that. So...how y'doin'?
SARAH P.
Well...alright I guess. I mean, Alaska ain't New York or Washington or Boston or...
DR. PHIL
Aha! See folks? Sarah here's isn't geographically-challenged like the press says she is!
SARAH P.
....or Montreal...or L.A....
DR. PHIL
We get the point, babe. So? Whad'ya been up to? Been hunting lately?
SARAH P.
Well Phil - you don't mind if I call you Phil - after all...we're friends now. What was the question? Something about Neiman-Marcus?
DR. PHIL
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...! You're so funny. Not as funny as Tina Fey but funny. I was askin' you 'bout whether or not you been huntin', lately
SARAH P.
Hunting? Who told you I hunt? I don't hunt! I buy all my meat at the supermarket, silly!
DR. PHIL
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha....! 'Course you do and I'm Arnold Schwarzneggar!
SARAH P.
Who?
DR. PHIL
Arnold? Governor of California?
SARAH P.
California? Oh yeahhhhh! I can see California from my door! Yeah...
DR. PHIL
So what are your plans, now? Just to go back to your boring job of governing Alaska?
SARAH P.
Yeah... I mean, being a governor is challenging work! Very challenging! Like every morning I go into my office... Uh-oh...I forgot where my office is, again. We move a lot, y'know. They keep opening new Walmart stores
DR. PHIL
'Course it is! We know that! So...like...let's say...if a person - not me of course - wanted to hunt possum in Alaska, could they?
SARAH P.
'Course they could! We got lots of possum waiting for the stew pot in Alaska! Why, we got them running everywhere
(silence for 5 seconds)
DR. PHIL
You don't know what possum is, do you, Sarah?
SARAH P.
Not really...
DR. PHIL
Well - there you have it, folks! A regular sit-down-and-get't'know-'ya with the loser... I mean to say, Governor Sarah Palin! Thanks for dropping by, Sarah! See? We ain't so bad after all!
SARAH P.
Just wanna say before I leave that I'll be having my own talk show this fall right after you, Dr. Phil! Isn't that wonderful? You and me on the same network? It's so exciting!
DR. PHIL
Thanks for dropping by, Sarah.
SARAH P.
And I just wanna invite you and Robin to come shoot possum in Alaska anytime you want. Bye everyone!
DR. PHIL
(whipping out cell phone)
Possum in Alaska, huh...get me Wolf Blitzer at CNN...
