BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(The continuing story about life among the plastic people)
By Eleanor Tylbor
SCENE: BARBIE, worried that G.I. JOE is “losing it” and concerned that she might end up losing BLAIN, her ex-but-maybe-with-a-little luck Australian surfer boyfriend who has been rendered semi-unconscious as a result of plastic bullets to his head, has broached the subject of breaking up with G.I. JOE
BARBIE
Did you hear what I said, G.I.?
G.I. JOE
Whad’ya mean?
BARBIE
Whad’ya mean, what do I mean? I meant exactly what I told you
G.I. JOE
(deep in thought)
Uh-huh. What did you say, again?
BARBIE
Um… Let me think…
(BLAIN, gains consciousness and picks up his head)
BLAIN
She means she wants to break up with you, mate!
BARBIE
Blain! You’re back! Oh praise be!
BLAIN
Mummy? I gotta go potty!
BARBIE
Like…maybe I spoke too soon
G.I. JOE
What does he mean?
BARBIE
Silly! That’s just Australian for he hast’a pee!
G.I. JOE
Good because I thought he was saying that you wanna leave me. I mean, I don’t know what I’d do if you ever did… Leave, that is
BARBIE
(nervous)
(The continuing story about life among the plastic people)
By Eleanor Tylbor
SCENE: BARBIE, worried that G.I. JOE is “losing it” and concerned that she might end up losing BLAIN, her ex-but-maybe-with-a-little luck Australian surfer boyfriend who has been rendered semi-unconscious as a result of plastic bullets to his head, has broached the subject of breaking up with G.I. JOE
BARBIE
Did you hear what I said, G.I.?
G.I. JOE
Whad’ya mean?
BARBIE
Whad’ya mean, what do I mean? I meant exactly what I told you
G.I. JOE
(deep in thought)
Uh-huh. What did you say, again?
BARBIE
Um… Let me think…
(BLAIN, gains consciousness and picks up his head)
BLAIN
She means she wants to break up with you, mate!
BARBIE
Blain! You’re back! Oh praise be!
BLAIN
Mummy? I gotta go potty!
BARBIE
Like…maybe I spoke too soon
G.I. JOE
What does he mean?
BARBIE
Silly! That’s just Australian for he hast’a pee!
G.I. JOE
Good because I thought he was saying that you wanna leave me. I mean, I don’t know what I’d do if you ever did… Leave, that is
BARBIE
(nervous)
Well… You know, G.I. sometimes – um – two people – um – who have been seeing each other – um – for too long… I mean, who know each other a long time, need to – um…um… Need a rest from each other. Know what I’m trying to say?
G.I. JOE
(thinking deeply)
No
BARBIE
What I’m trying to say is… Perhaps we should go our own ways for a while - but just for a while of course
G.I. JOE
Of course – I get it!
BARBIE
(relieved)
Whew! You do?
G.I. JOE
D’ya think I’m stoopid or something? Of course I understand!
BARBIE
You’ll always be a friend, G.I. and even though we may be apart, you’ll be close in my heart
G.I. JOE
You wanna go shopping by yourself. Right? I mean, I could drive you if you want but I’ll wait outside. That’s okay. I won’t go in with you and force them to serve you first if that’s what you want. I’ll just wait outside in my tank on guard ‘til you’re finished
BARBIE
(whistfully)
Oh G.I. That’s not exactly what I had in mind
G.I. JOE
So you want me to go in and help you choose clothes like always?
BARBIE
Not! Look G.I. – let me make this so you understand. Sometimes two people who’ve known each other for a long time like us…
G.I. JOE
Yeah – we been friends since we were kids and I got my first weapon. Remember? I used to walk you home and nobody would bother you when I’m around. No-one!
BARBIE
That’s exactly what I mean, G.I.!
G.I. JOE
You want me to walk you home, again? I could y’know! All you gotta do is ask! We could hold hands and skip…
BARBIE
(frustrated)
No G.I. I don’t need you to walk me home anymore! In fact I don’t need you! That’s the point!
G.I. JOE
I don’t get it
BARBIE
That’s the problem in a nutshell!
G.I. JOE
(lost in thought)
You want I should crack open some nuts for you? I mean, that’s weird but look – if my Barbie wants nuts…
BARBIE
(to herself)
…don’t finish that sentence, Barbie… Here’s it is. Plain and simple. We have to stop seeing each other
G.I. JOE
You want I should close my eyes?
BARBIE
(very frustrated)
No G.I. I want you and me to take a rest from each other!
G.I. JOE
You mean…
BARBIE
You go your way and I’ll go mine
G.I. JOE
Oh. So… It’s…him, isn’t it?
(points at the still unconscious BLAIN)
G.I. JOE
First it’s Ken and now this…this…surfer dude is trying to steal you away from me!
(BLAIN stirs and lifts his head)
BLAIN
Daddy? I wanna go surfing!
G.I. JOE
Well… He’s gonna have to fight me for you. (does karate chops in the air) My hands are a lethal weapon, y’know!
BARBIE
I know – oh how I know!
G.I. JOE
Where’s my weapon…
BARBIE
Please – no more violence. That’s the problem, G.I. That’s your way of handling everything
G.I. JOE
Hey! A soldier hast’a do what a soldier…
BARBIE
…hast’a do. I know. Go! Please leave – now –before things get out of hand, again
G.I. JOE
(pulling up BLAIN by the hair)
Hey – you! Surfer dude! You ain’t gonna get my Barbie without a fight! Got that?
(G.I. JOE drops BLAIN’s head, which falls on to the ground)
BLAIN
‘Mary had a little lamb…little lamb…little lamb…’
G.I. JOE
See Barbie? He’s a sissy, through-and-through. Who’s Mary? Your girl-friend, sissy-boy? Well – I’m off
BARBIE
That’s the truest thing you’ve said in a long time
G.I. JOE
I’m gonna prepare to defend your honor.
BARBIE
No – please! I don’t want that…
G.I. JOE
Sorry babe but a soldier has’ta…
BARBIE
…been there, heard that
(a familiar voice suddenly breaks the tension)
KEN
Hi-dee-hi-and ho-di-ho, people. Never fear - your Ken is near
BARBIE
Oh gawd! Just what I need now
(Question du Jour: With Ken’s arrival, will the situation become even more complicated than it is? Will Ken take sides and if so, who will he support: his old “friend” or a fellow surfer?)
G.I. JOE
(thinking deeply)
No
BARBIE
What I’m trying to say is… Perhaps we should go our own ways for a while - but just for a while of course
G.I. JOE
Of course – I get it!
BARBIE
(relieved)
Whew! You do?
G.I. JOE
D’ya think I’m stoopid or something? Of course I understand!
BARBIE
You’ll always be a friend, G.I. and even though we may be apart, you’ll be close in my heart
G.I. JOE
You wanna go shopping by yourself. Right? I mean, I could drive you if you want but I’ll wait outside. That’s okay. I won’t go in with you and force them to serve you first if that’s what you want. I’ll just wait outside in my tank on guard ‘til you’re finished
BARBIE
(whistfully)
Oh G.I. That’s not exactly what I had in mind
G.I. JOE
So you want me to go in and help you choose clothes like always?
BARBIE
Not! Look G.I. – let me make this so you understand. Sometimes two people who’ve known each other for a long time like us…
G.I. JOE
Yeah – we been friends since we were kids and I got my first weapon. Remember? I used to walk you home and nobody would bother you when I’m around. No-one!
BARBIE
That’s exactly what I mean, G.I.!
G.I. JOE
You want me to walk you home, again? I could y’know! All you gotta do is ask! We could hold hands and skip…
BARBIE
(frustrated)
No G.I. I don’t need you to walk me home anymore! In fact I don’t need you! That’s the point!
G.I. JOE
I don’t get it
BARBIE
That’s the problem in a nutshell!
G.I. JOE
(lost in thought)
You want I should crack open some nuts for you? I mean, that’s weird but look – if my Barbie wants nuts…
BARBIE
(to herself)
…don’t finish that sentence, Barbie… Here’s it is. Plain and simple. We have to stop seeing each other
G.I. JOE
You want I should close my eyes?
BARBIE
(very frustrated)
No G.I. I want you and me to take a rest from each other!
G.I. JOE
You mean…
BARBIE
You go your way and I’ll go mine
G.I. JOE
Oh. So… It’s…him, isn’t it?
(points at the still unconscious BLAIN)
G.I. JOE
First it’s Ken and now this…this…surfer dude is trying to steal you away from me!
(BLAIN stirs and lifts his head)
BLAIN
Daddy? I wanna go surfing!
G.I. JOE
Well… He’s gonna have to fight me for you. (does karate chops in the air) My hands are a lethal weapon, y’know!
BARBIE
I know – oh how I know!
G.I. JOE
Where’s my weapon…
BARBIE
Please – no more violence. That’s the problem, G.I. That’s your way of handling everything
G.I. JOE
Hey! A soldier hast’a do what a soldier…
BARBIE
…hast’a do. I know. Go! Please leave – now –before things get out of hand, again
G.I. JOE
(pulling up BLAIN by the hair)
Hey – you! Surfer dude! You ain’t gonna get my Barbie without a fight! Got that?
(G.I. JOE drops BLAIN’s head, which falls on to the ground)
BLAIN
‘Mary had a little lamb…little lamb…little lamb…’
G.I. JOE
See Barbie? He’s a sissy, through-and-through. Who’s Mary? Your girl-friend, sissy-boy? Well – I’m off
BARBIE
That’s the truest thing you’ve said in a long time
G.I. JOE
I’m gonna prepare to defend your honor.
BARBIE
No – please! I don’t want that…
G.I. JOE
Sorry babe but a soldier has’ta…
BARBIE
…been there, heard that
(a familiar voice suddenly breaks the tension)
KEN
Hi-dee-hi-and ho-di-ho, people. Never fear - your Ken is near
BARBIE
Oh gawd! Just what I need now
(Question du Jour: With Ken’s arrival, will the situation become even more complicated than it is? Will Ken take sides and if so, who will he support: his old “friend” or a fellow surfer?)
©Eleanor Tylbor, 2007
No comments:
Post a Comment