Friday, May 18, 2007

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
The continuing story
By Eleanor Tylbor


SCENE: BARBIE HAS RUSHED BACK TO HER BEACH HOUSE UPON HEARING A SOUND RESEMBLING A GUN SHOT. SHE SEES BLAIN, HER USED-TO-BE-BOYFRIEND SPRAWLED ON THE GROUND, WITH G.I. JOE CROUCHED NEARBY. AFTER SEVERAL UNSUCCESSFUL TRIES TO CROUCH DOWN NEXT TO HIM DUE TO HER UNYIELDING STIFF PLASTIC BODY, BARBIE DROPS ON TO THE GROUND, FACE-FIRST, HANDS IN THE AIR



BARBIE
Like…ohmygawd! Blain – honey! Wake up. Your Barbie is here!

G.I. JOE
(walking over to her, gun aimed at BLAIN)
Don’t worry, babe. The intruder has been neutralized. Wait just a G.I. moment here! ‘Blain - honey?’ Whad’ya mean by that?

BARBIE
(flipping on to her back)
Well… I mean…like… Blain is from Australia and…like…his family owns a honey farm. Yeah – that’s it. A honey farm. Um…G.I. – would you bend me into a sitting position?

G.I. JOE
Sure. I can do that with these muscular arms. Oh so then….and I thought you were…well…y’know…talkin’ to him like he was your boyfriend or something

BARBIE
Him? My boyfriend? Ha-ha-ha-ha! Don’t be a silly soldier, G.I. Joe! Friends – we’re just friends!

G.I. JOE
Good ‘cause… you know I’m the only real man in your life, babe.

BARBIE
Do I have a choice?

(BARBIE attempts to cradle BLAIN’s head in her plastic hands but his head keeps slipping down. Finally, she drops his head on the ground)

(cont’d.) Oh the angst of being a fashionista cursed with hands that won’t bend! What did you do to him, G.I. Joe?

G.I. JOE
Like I told you – I neutralized him. Yup…he won’t be botherin’ you no more

BARBIE
Any more

G.I. JOE
Huh? What?

BARBIE
ANY more

G.I. JOE
Any more of what?

BARBIE
Sometimes G.I. Joe, you’re such an ignoramus

G.I. JOE
I know and that’s why you love me, babe! Gawd I love it when you talk like that!

BARBIE
So tell me what happened to Blain

G.I. JOE
Happened? Blain?

BARBIE
Blain? The guy who is laying here? Did you…shoot him? Tell me you didn’t shoot him! Hold on – like… you use only plastic bullets, thank goodness

G.I. JOE
Plastic bullets can make a big boo-boo, too, y’know!

BARBIE
Oh you got one big boo-boo and its sitting right on top of your neck

(G.I. JOE opens up jacket and displays two hand grenades hanging on string from around his neck)
G.I. JOE
How’d you like these babies? Ken gave them to me after you two had your talk. ‘One for you and one for Barbie’, he told me. That Ken – such a good guy t’gimme hand grenades!

BARBIE
Ken’s…all heart, alright.

(BLAIN starts to stir)

(cont’d) Blain! Oh Blain! You’re okay!

G.I. JOE
Move aside, babe. I’ll finish him off for good this time

(BARBIE rolls around and manages to throw herself on top of BLAIN)

(cont’d) Stop! He’s not the enemy, G.I. Joe!

G.I. JOE
The enemy is everywhere and wears different disguises! He may look like a surfer to you, but I know different. Oh yeah I know alright! I can smell the enemy

BARBIE
That’s …like…your new Macho Man deodorant! He’s a surfer dude! That’s all!

G.I. JOE
Bwahahahahahahaha! Silly Barbie! I found him noseying around your beach house. If he was like you say he was… What did you say he was again?

BARBIE
Blain? The Australian surfer?

G.I. JOE
Oh yeah. Right. Blain... Well he had it coming!

BARBIE
What did he ever do to you?

G.I. JOE
Well…um… He was sniffin’ around my girlfriend’s house and that’s enough for me! Sniffing around is as good as guilty

BARBIE
We really have to talk about our relationship, after.

G.I. JOE
G.I. Joe don’t talk, babe! I’m a man of action! Move away from…whoever

(BLAIN stirs)

BLAIN
I can’t breathe!

(BARBIE attempts to get into a standing position but experiencing problems with her body not bending)
BARBIE
Um…G.I. Joe – could you help me stand up?

G.I. JOE
Sure babe.

(G.I. JOE extends both his muscular arms and helps BARBIE up on her feet)

(Cont’d. G.I. JOE) Feel my arms? Full of muscle

BARBIE
Oh you’re full of more than muscle

G.I. JOE
I know. I workout every two hours. Your Austrian friend Blain there…

BARBIE
…Australian friend Blain…

G.I. JOE
Whatever…Austria…Australia… It’s almost spelled the same… A couple more or less letters… Wait a minute here. Did you say AUSTRALIA???

BARBIE
What are you telling me, G.I.?

TO BE CONTINUED…
What will G.I. Joe tell BARBIE about “the accident?”
©2007, Eleanor Tylbor
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