SCENE: DEN, EVERYBODY HOUSEHOLD.
AT RISE: MRS. EVERYBODY IS TALKING WHILE MR. EVERYBODY IS READING A NEWSPAPER. HER BACK IS FACING MR. EVERYBODY
MRS. EVERYBODY
Why? Why must you torture me like this? What did I ever do to deserve this treatment other than heap undying love and devotion to your upkeep?
(MR. EVERYBODY glances up and returns to reading his book)
MRS. EVERYBODY
You seem to be dying slowly right in front of my eyes and I'm at a loss what to do
MR. EVERYBODY
(looking around)
You talking to me?
MRS. EVERYBODY
Fed you top of the line nutritional supplements and this is the thanks I get
MR. EVERYBODY
You make fantastic meals, sweetheart, and really I'm in great shape
MRS. EVERYBODY
You're not aging well, little darling
MR. EVERYBODY
(gets up to examine himself in the mirror on the wall behind him)
For the record, I'm in better condition now than I was when we married. Sure there's a few extra inches on my stomach but that's due to your good cooking. I'm trying to work it off on the tread mill...
MRS. EVERYBODY
I fear it's time for us to part, sweetheart. You are halfway between this world and the next
MR. EVERYBODY
What are you saying? Is it something I said?
MRS. EVERYBODY
You've given me a lot of pleasure over the years. Your nightly performance kept me riveted and it's something I'll cherish all my life
MR. EVERYBODY
Hey! There's still a lot of life left in this body! Is there somebody else? I can change, y'know!
(MRS. EVERYBODY turns around and stares at her husband)
MRS. EVERYBODY
It's just so hard to say goodbye! Did you say something?
MR. EVERYBODY
You never said a word to me. No warning...nothing. I deserve to know who's the new love of your life!
MRS. EVERYBODY
What are you babbling about?
MR. EVERYBODY
You're leaving me! I heard it with my own ears
MRS. EVERYBODY
Are you insane? You thought that... That's really funny
MRS. EVERYBODY
There's nothing funny about being told your wife is leaving your for someone else. It's always the husband that's the last to know
MRS. EVERYBODY
Dear, dear husband - I was talking to my prayer plant, here. that is slowly croaking after 40 years and I'm about to replace her with a new one
MR. EVERYBODY
How was I supposed to know? There was only you and me in the room and I never guessed you were talking to a...a... house plant
MRS. EVERYBODY
I've raised this houseplant from a small little stalk. Fed her...coddled her...and she gave me years of pleasure but lately she seems to have taken a turn for the worst. The writing is on the wall...or in this case, in all those brown leaves.
MR. EVERYBODY
A plant is a plant is a plant. Don't know what the big thing is. Just empty the pot and replace it with a new one. Simple
MRS. EVERYBODY
How could you be so cruel and callous! You just can't...discard it like it that!
MR. EVERYBODY
I dunno. Never bothers you to do that with your clothes
MRS. EVERYBODY
Besides, I read an article that said plants can sense pain and they react to it. How could I betray my friend after all the years we've been together? I feel like a killer! Like I'd be ripping out her guts and tearing her apart
MR. EVERYBODY
Not that I pretend to feel what you feel but check this out
(MR. EVERYBODY shows her a page of the newspaper)
MRS. EVERYBODY
What's this? The Plant-a-atrium is having a sale on houseplants?
(turns to look at plant and at newspaper ad)
(MRS. EVERYBODY cont'd.) 'Parting is such sweet sorrow my formerly green friend. Go meet your other friends in the composter! Do not think badly of me for I shall remember you with great fondness.' I'm ready.
MR. EVERYBODY
Ready for...?
MRS. EVERYBODY
To make new friends at the Plant-a-atrium, silly! We all gotta go some time. I mean, it's just a silly plant for heaven's sake...
