Monday, August 14, 2006

First 10 of 30 pages of my play, "DEAD WRITES", first posted in 2006, and unfinished. Comments and/or feedback always appreciated. There are more characters as the play develops but for this purpose, only two of the characters are introduced.


DEAD WRITES (with minor changes on 9/11/2012)
By Eleanor Tylbor



CAST

FELICIA PEMBROOK: 50-something; former reporter, deceased
JOSIAH: Heavenly "Spiritual Adviser - Disembodied Souls Division:


AT RISE: A funeral parlor

SCENE: A group of people is seated in a funeral chapel, socializing for the most part, while waiting for the service to begin. Somber organ music is heard in the background. A coffin is situated on an elevated stand in the middle of the room. FELICIA PEMBROOK, wearing a long white flowing dress is lying next to the coffin. Slowly she sits up and looks around in a confused, slightly stunned. She touches her arms and pulls at the material of her dress, trying to get her bearings.

FELICIA
Really must'a tied one on last night. Weird, though. No hang-over like usual.

Stands upright and moves closer to coffin and strains
to see inside. A funeral organizer passes her without
acknowledging her presence

'Scuse me…hello'?'

 He ignores her and focuses on the coffin

FELICIA (cont'd.) Who's the corpse?

Man continues to ignore her

FELICIA (cont'd.) What is your problem? A name - that's all I need! It's not a lot to ask. Fine – suit yourself. I'll find out on my own!

A man, JOSIAH, enters and stands directly behind FELICIA. He has white hair, is dressed in a white shirt and matching white pants that glitter

JOSIAH
There's really no need to yell. I can provide you with that information

Startled, she whirls around to face him

FELICIA
You could give a person a heart attack sneaking up like that. And I thought I* looked bad? You look like a bad case of indigestion after eating too many Halloween candies. I've been trying to find out what's going on, but the guy over there is ignoring me.

JOSIAH
He can't hear you

FELICIA
My mind is a complete blank If only I could remember how and why I got here

JOSIAH
Not surprising

FELICIA
Do you know something that I don't? I get it, now! This is one of those new theme clubs and you're the bartender, right? That explains a lot

JOSIAH
The one thing that I can assure you, Felicia my dear, is that this is not a nightclub. You know…if you want…I could tell you who's in that coffin

FELICIA
How would you know unless… Here's me going on and on and you're burying someone who means a lot to you. That’s it, isn’t it? Sometimes I'm so dense and insensitive

JOSIAH
You hit the nail on the head. in a manner of speaking I’m related to that dead person in there. In fact…I'm acquainted with most people that pass through here and know them by first name

FELICIA
Now I get it! You work here, right? How else would you know all the corpses.

JOSIAH
Death is the human equalizer, don't you think?

FELICIA
I suppose so - can't say I've given it much thought lately

JOSIAH
Do those people sitting there look familiar to you?

FELICIA
Wait a minute…they work with me!
‘Hey guys -I get it – a surprise party, right? It's all a big joke. 'Ya don't hafta worry 'bout me giving things away! Whose birthday is it? Hello? I’m talking to youse all!’
Weird. They're all ignoring me like I was invisible or something... I-am-so-stupid! This is a "for real " funeral! That has'ta be it and this here is a real body in a real coffin! Okay…so…then…why am I here? Must be somebody I knew…

She strains to see in the coffin again without results

FELICIA
You seem to know a lot about this. What did you say your name was?

JOSIAH
I didn't

FELICIA
It wasn't Jack McGrath or Pete Winston was it? Don't know how many times I warned them both to slow down, but did they listen? Of course not! What does an old broad like me know, right?

JOSIAH
Not either one of them

FELICIA
That's a relief 'cause we're the last three old farts left at 'The Sentinal'. We all started out together at the same time and we've seen 'em come and we seen 'em leave. Some on to bigger and better and some in a wooden box like this here person. Things are sure different…Back when we were in our prime, the only thing we had'da know was a keyboard. Nowadays everything is electronic. They'll soon find a way to replace us real people with a terminal

JOSIAH
They'll always be a need for people, mind you humans are becoming much too dependent on machines for their own good

FELICIA
Look at 'em all. Young kids just out of J-school. What do they know about getting a story? How can you write about life if you never experienced it? Is there a real person in that coffin?

JOSIAH
Absolutely

FELICIA
Guess you were a friend of the departed, then?

JOSIAH
I'm friends with a lot of people. You can say that I help them through a difficult period

FELICIA
Oh so you're one of those…what do they call them…grief councilors? Bet you attend a lot of funerals, then

JOSIAH
I can honestly say that I've never missed one

FELICIA
Never?

JOSIAH
Never in all the years I've been assigned here

FELICIA
Have we met somewhere before|? The more I look at you, the more familiar your face looks to me. Hang on -  you're that new bartender at Pete's watering hole, right? Listen - I'll pay my tab next week I swear. It's just that I've been running a little short of cash lately…

JOSIAH
You and I have had a few close encounters in the past, Felicia, but this is the first time we've met one-on-one.

FELICIA
Alright then -let me think - What's the matter with me – I'm so dense! You own the new funeral parlor down the block and you're here to scope out the competition

JOSIAH
Not…exactly but you could say I'm in the funeral business, since I make a point never to miss any. In fact, funeral parlors are where I first connect with

FELICIA
(backing away)
Hey - you're not one of those slimy bastards who pick up rich, lonely women at funerals. Listen buddy, I'm not rich and certainly not in the market to add a new man in my life. Been there, done that, too many times. Know what I mean?

JOSIAH
Really, you're quite priceless, my dear. Trust me when I say my interest in you is anything but sexual in nature. You do like to ask questions

FELICIA
It's my nature to snoop and dig for answers

JOSIAH
Really, you don't have to. I'd be most happy to supply you with the necessary information

FELICIA
(glancing around)
Strikes me that this corpse wasn't too popular in life judging by the amount of people who showed up here

JOSIAH
It's quite sad, actually. She believed she never needed people and in the end, seems that people weren't there when she needed them

Mourner (JANICE) moves to front of room, and stands in front of coffin

Janice?  Hey girl, we were supposed to meet for lunch yesterday! I showed up but what happened to you?

JANICE
You miserable, lying witch! At last you made a useful contribution to the world and left it! Good riddance to bad rubbish

FELICIA
Is that the way to talk about the dearly departed? Even dead people deserve respect from the living. Your mama never taught you any manners?

JANICE touches the coffin and returns to her seat

Janice? You-hoo! It's me. (aside to JOSIAH) I'm not surprised! She was always a grudge holder. We better take a seat. The minister  is here

FELICIA stops to give Janice "the finger" as she walks by her and sits with others, accompanied by JOSIAH. Turns to smiles at the man sitting next to her

Heeeey Pete-eee! So, how things goin' with you? Sorry 'bout that story but I just couldn't help myself. I'll return the favor. You know how it is in our biz

PETE ignores FELICIA and talks to female on other side

Still mad at me, huh?

JOSIAH
He can't hear you

FELICIA
What are you talking about? Of course he can but he's busy chatting up the new receptionist. He's probably still pissed 'cause I stole a lead on the story! Far be it for me to beg forgiveness. He knows that's the way things work. First come - first served!

JOSIAH
And you certainly helped yourself, didn't you?

FELICIA
Listen, if something falls into my hands, who am I not to take advantage? I needed a lead and Pete was nice enough to do the legwork for me. We're old friends anyway. He'll come around eventually, won't you Pete, sweetie?

JOSIAH
You justify everything. Has it dawned on you, yet, why you're here and that all these people are ignoring you?

FELICIA
Here to pay my respects to someone who worked in the paper. It's bugging me, though, how I physically got here and how I landed up lying next to a coffin. I've covered practically every kind of story but I can't ever remember spending the night in a funeral parlor. Maybe I was after a story - why is my mind blank?

JOSIAH
It's a temporary fog that will clear after you…

FELICIA
Sssh! Talk softer. We're gonna get kicked out

MINISTER steps behind podium

MINISTER
Friends…

a voice calls out:

'She didn't have any, so move on!'

MINISTER
..we are here to bid goodbye to one…

another voice:

'Good riddance to bad rubbish!'

MINISTER
…a…good reporter and… a good friend and colleague.

voice in back of room:

' …at least we won't have to worry 'bout her itchy fingers and wandering eyes, anymore'

FELICIA
This corpse must'a really screwed them over but good, but she – you did say it was a woman? Like I was saying, the dead deserve some respect too.

FELICIA stands up and addresses everyone

'That's no way to speak about the dead, you bunch of parasites. Have some respect!'

MINISTER
Is there anyone here who has something positive to say, about the departed?

 Silence in the room

Surely there must be one person in this entire room, that could say a few nice words about the late Felicia Pembrook? Anybody?

FELICIA
I can speak for myself, thank you very much…What's with this "late" crap?

MINISTER
No one? Then we'll proceed with the funeral service

FELICIA
What in the hell is he talking about? 'I'm still among you, in the flesh! Look!'

JOSIAH
Please try to control using the "h" word? I've been trying to tell you that no one can hear you – or see you, either

FELICIA
They're doing it on purpose to teach me a lesson. Well, it won't work people! I'm on to you all!

 FELICIA stands up on chair, waves and screams on top of her
lungs

FELICIA
Felicia is here! The old witch is alive and kicking. You can't ignore me forever

JOSIAH walks to the front of the room, and stands behind the coffin

JOSIAH
I'm the only person who can see you

FELICIA
This is a nightmare and soon I'm gonna wake up and everything will be like it should. That's it. A nightmare…musta been a bad rack of ribs…alright…I gotta will myself to wake up now…wake-up…wake-up…c'mon body – get up! Please get up! Why aren't I waking?

JOSIAH
Come over here and take a peak inside

FELICIA moves slowly to the front of the coffin and peers down. She
jumps back

FELICIA
If this is a bad joke, I don't have a good sense of humor, today. Enough already. I don't know how you did this, to make a person look just like me. A dummy…it's a dummy, right? Hey - it's been a blast meeting you, but I got things to do, places to go…

Aside to mourners:
Okay you guys. You pulled off the ultimate practical joke. Got me fair and square. I give in. C'mon – don't be such grudge holders! You know I was only doing what you would'a done in my place

JOSIAH
It's you in there for real

FELICIA
Who hired you, huh, and how much did they pay to help pull off this prank? Whatever they gave you – I'll double it to get even

JOSIAH
Money is of no importance to me and this is no joke

FELICIA
So, then, what is it? A play? This is performance art?

JOSIAH
Trust me when I tell you that you are here in spirit only

FELICIA
Oh I got spirit, alright, that comes straight out'ta a bottle of vodka. You wouldn't happen to have a flask on you?

JOSIAH
Check your body over…it's not solid anymore

FELICIA
I'm talking to…you…but my body is transparent…see through and… it's as if somebody erased my memory

JOSIAH
There is no more Felicia Pembroke as you knew her

FELICIA
When did this happen?

JOSIAH
Two days ago. A massive heart attack while eating a Big Mickey Trio. Died with a french-fry stuck in your throat

FELICIA
Didn't anybody give me CPR to try and save my life?

JOSIAH
The restaurant staff worked on you for at least 15 minutes but it was your time to go

FELICIA
If I'm dead like you say, then what am I doing here?

JOSIAH
The "inner circle" so-to-speak, decided it would be an appropriate learning experience for you to attend your own funeral

FELICIA
But…I'm not ready. Let me show you that I can change. Everyone deserves a second chance

JOSIAH
Time on earth as you knew it is over, but something important has to be taken care of before you move on

FELICIA
It's all so unfair! I never killed anyone other than an occasional squirrel and that was only when I was driving to get a story. They don't count anyway - do they? There are so many of them

JOSIAH
You didn't exactly live an exemplary life, lying and betraying your colleagues. Those qualities alone would normally be enough to send you to - you know - the other place

FELICIA
Hey! There's no way I'm not going there!

JOSIAH
A temporary soul-free zone has been negotiated by all the interested parties, on your behalf. You have one year to redeem yourself and if you can't - let me put it this way - I hope you like heat

FELICIA
I'll do anything. Just tell me what you want! I'm your humble servant! Your willing slave

Drops down on her knees

I'm begging you – save me from hell and eternal damnation!

JOSIAH
Please – get up. I hope you mean what you say, because you're not going to like what you'll hear

FELICIA
Like I said, name it, only don't let them take me to the other place! I can't take the heat!

JOSIAH
They'll be some challenges ahead and some tough decisions will have to be made. Do you really want to stay 'til the end?

FELICIA
So now I know what people really thought about me. I figured not everybody liked me, but at least I was respected. Now I know I had neither of those things

JOSIAH
You brought it all on yourself but let's not dwell on what was. It's time to focus on what will be. The good part is that there is always an opportunity to improve yourself

Looks up

'Tribune office, please'

(The two disappear)

Thursday, August 10, 2006

THE DAILY ANGST...OR THE GREEN EYED MONSTER MAKES ITS PRESENCE FELT

Don't get me wrong (always an ominous opening phrase) and I'm happy for everyone who "makes it" in show biz, but...

Let me back up a little. Today I received an e-mail from a cyber-aquaintance to inform me about the success of her affiliation with a TV show that is going national. We're talking accross the country, here and from sea-to-shining-sea Do you see shades of green showing through here? Yup!

Thing is...she asked me how my plays are doing and hoped that they were being produced/presented. I'm sure she meant well but it kind of reminded me what a difficult road it is to travel to get someone to produce an unknown play by an unknown playwright with no track record whatsoever. In spite of a concentrated attempt on my part to sell my plays, the end result is inertia.

Still in spite of it all, hope springs eternal... Maybe just maybe...one day...