SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
THE MISSING SOCK DILEMMA
by Eleanor Tylbor


SCENE: AT THE POLICE STATION: a woman walks in a police station, a large plastic bag in her hand. Person walks to the front desk.

POLICE OFFICER
Can I help you?

WOMAN
I want to report a robbery

POLICE OFFICER
Do you want to file a report?

WOMAN
You bet!

POLICE OFFICER
What type of a robbery? A break-in your house?

WOMAN
No

POLICE OFFICER
A purse snatching?

WOMAN
None of those

(she dumps bag of socks on to the counter/front desk)

POLICE OFFICER
Um...I'm sorry?

WOMAN
So am I. Believe me

POLICE OFFICER
What's going on?

WOMAN
I'll tell you what's going on. Somebody in this city is stealing socks!

POLICE OFFICER
Come again? Did you say, stealing...socks?

WOMAN
Somebody, I don't know who, is stealing socks from my clothes dryer. This pile of socks here are all "one-sies." They are all alone in the world without a mate

POLICE OFFICER
I see... Perhaps - and I'm just saying - you somehow missplaced them?

WOMAN
You sound just like my husband. He tells me the same thing but I know somebody is stealing them! Thing is - there are no windows in my laundry room

POLICE OFFICER
Well then - perhaps - and I'm just guessing - they dropped out when you were sorting them

WOMAN
I'm always very careful to empty the dryer and check and double-check that there's nothing left in there. So? Are you going to make a report?

POLICE OFFICER
Um - it's very unusual to make a report on missing socks

WOMAN
(picking up socks and bringing them close to police officer's face)
Look at these - brand new socks missing a mate. This is an accumulation of one-sies over the last five year period

POLICE OFFICER
(laughing)
You sound just like my wife. She complains about the same thing. Believes that the socks are sucked into the dryer exhaust and then through pipes

WOMAN
Aha! Your house too, huh? It's my belief that there's a gang of sock thieves working dryer pipes and re-selling them to people who are trying to match their missing socks.

POLICE OFFICER
I don't think so.

WOMAN
So where do YOU think they go? Huh?

POLICE OFFICER
I really can't say...often wondered that myself...(laughing) Maybe it's alien abductions

WOMAN
Officer - I am not crazy. I am a woman who is sick-and-tired of having to buy new socks, only to see them stolen within a few weeks.

POLICE OFFICER
To be honest m'am - we don't have officers with expertise in sock bandits and we're short on staff...

WOMAN
So you're not going to do anything about it?

POLICE OFFICER
Afraid not. Look - I understand your situation and I don't have any answers

(another person approaches the front desk, bag in hand)

OFFICER
Can I help you?

MAN
I'm hoping so.

(empties bag of socks on desk)

I'd like to report missing socks...

WOMAN
(jumping in)

...you too? I'm here for the same thing.

OFFICER
Why don't you two go...somewhere and compare your sock collection? Between the two of you, you just may make some pairs!

WOMAN
Well...it's worth a shot!

(gathering up socks and putting them in bag and walking out of the door)

So...how long have your socks gone missing?

MAN
Ever since the alien abduction...

BBC  RADIO COMPETITION IS BECKONING ME - AGAIN

"Two new pieces in your playwriting blog in one day! Must be something really important, Eleanor!"

Yes it is...could be...maybe...one hopes

Anybody who drops by this blog is familiar with my continuous effort and accompanying angst to write a radio play for the BBC International Playwriting Competition. This year my idea and hope was to turn my "Old Soldiers" story into a radio play and enter it in the competition. However - I abhor that word - my intent wasn't realized in producing dialogue and once again what I thought was the deadline for entries, passed. My problem was coming up with sound effects that would carry the story line. Perhaps, in retrospect, I just wasn't committed enough to make it work. It's always the could-have, would-have and should-have that get you in the end.

In any case, just did a routine check on my Facebook page and something exciting jumped up at me:

"Exciting news! The 2012 International Playwriting Competition will open on May 1st. Plays can be on any topic but must be 53 minutes long. Details of how to enter and more information will soon be available at www.bbcworldservice.com/radioplay It’s time to get writing!"

This is really thrilling news because this means that there is yet another opportunity to submit. Perhaps a good idea would be to write something new from scratch. As the blurb advises - "it's time to get writing!"

Yup it is. As in the past, will be providing progerss reports - hopefully.

"So do you think you"ll have the carry-through to enter this time, Eleanor?" my muse just asked me.

Hope springs eternal. Right?

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE GARDEN CENTRE

SCENE: CUSTOMER STANDS AT THE RETURN COUNTER IN GARDEN CENTRE, HOLDING A PAPER BAG OPEN AT THE TOP


GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
"Number 14...who's number 14?"

CUSTOMER
Here! That would be me! See? Here's my ticket. Number 14

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Now that we've agreed on that, what can I do for you?

CUSTOMER
I'd like to return these plants, please

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Flowering or green?

(customer opens bag, removes contents and places them on counter earth spilling everywhere)

CUSTOMER
These plants. They're annuals as you can tell...then again, maybe you don't garden...not everyone likes to play in dirt. That's a little garden humor, there!

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Come again? You want to return...dead garden plants. Now I've heard it all

CUSTOMER
You have a money-back-no-questions-asked policy?

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Yes but...

CUSTOMER
...well - these former, vibrant living things are no longer in this world. Gone to see their maker. Never to feel the heat of the sun, again. I have the bill here...

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Lady - those plants are dead!

CUSTOMER
Right - and that's why I'm returning them! Oh the angst and guilt of garden passings!

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
That doesn't include plants!

CUSTOMER
Show me where it says that. Money back is money back. Besides, how do I know that you don't sell defective or sick plants?

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Lady - we have a reputation to uphold.

CUSTOMER
Thinking back, they died almost immediately. That should tell you something!

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
When did you plant these? They're a collection of black mush. Can't even tell what they were

CUSTOMER
They were dahlias. Planted them the week that you started selling them. Sometime in March...I think... Yup - March

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
March? You planted these in...March? The ground was still frozen! How did you even get a spade in the ground

CUSTOMER
I managed. We garden lovers can make the impossible happen. So are you going to give me back my money?

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Damn - there's ants crawling all over the counter...

(garden center employee smashes ants with her hand and fingers)

CUSTOMER
Even more reason to return me my money as soon as possible. Oh look - there goes a earwig. Boy those bugs sure can move fast...right accross the counter there...

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Let's settle this before the place is invaded by ants. How about I replace those...whatever -

CUSTOMER
- dahlias...once beautiful...dahlias...

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
...whatever with brand new live plants? Would that be acceptable?

CUSTOMER
That would be perfectly okay with me. You could be a little more sympathetic to my predicament. By the way, what should I do with these dearly departed?

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
'I will not open my mouth to a customer...I will be polite to a customer...' Um - just leave them here. I'll take care of them

CUSTOMER
Is it okay if I say good-bye? I'm very attached

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Whatever... 'They don't pay me enough...'

CUSTOMER
(touching plants)
'Plants - friends - I'm very sorry that my TLC didn't save you from extinction. I tried - I really tried! Go now - go meet your friends in the garden in the sky!'

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Good. Said your goodbyes?

CUSTOMER
Yes. It's always so hard to deal with plant deaths

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
(grabbing dead plants and tossing them in trash can)
Not really. "Number 20 - who's got number 20?"