SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAY-ETTE
THE LIPSTICK LADY
SCENE: COSMETIC SECTION AT WALMARTS. WOMAN CUSTOMER IS STANDING IN FRONT OF LIPSTICK DISPLAY COUNTER, EXAMINING LIPSTICKS.
WOMAN CUSTOMER
(softly to herself)
What is it with cosmetic companies and their love affair with the color pink? I can’t wear pink and I’m sure a lot of other people can’t wear it either!
(picks up lipstick tube, removes cover to examine color)
(cont’d.) Blech! It’s supposed to be beige and it’s good, old pink again! Pink...pink...and more pukey pink!
(OLDER HEAVY-SET FEMALE (OHSF) with light blond hair and her face covered with heavy make-up, pushes her shopping cart into woman customer’s heels)
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Ow!
(OLDER HEAVY-SET FEMALE ignores her and attempts to push in front of display counter)
WOMAN CUSTOMER
You ran into my heel with your shopping cart
OHSF
You should have moved
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Say what? I was here first
OHSF
I need room
WOMAN CUSSTOMER
(giving OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE the once-over)
That’ obvious. You could apologize – that would be the polite thing to do
OHSF
I could – but I’m not. Now if you’ll move...
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Not! I’m looking for lipsticks here. When I’m finished, you may have my place, eventually
OHSF
So how long d’ya think you’re gonna be?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Who knows! Maybe five minutes...maybe half an hour. Depends
OHSF
Depends on what?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Whether you apologize
OHSF
That’s blackmail. You’re not a nice person
WOMAN CUSTOMER
I’m not a nice person? You run into my heels and refuse to say, “sorry” and I’m not nice?
OHSF
This is ridiculous. Okay. My shopping cart accidentally ran into your heels. Okay- happy now?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
That’s not an apology! That’s a confession
OHSF
Take it or leave it
WOMAN CUSTOMER
It just so happens I’ve finished looking here. You may move in
OHSF
‘Oh thank you, thank you!’ Do you want me to get down on my hands and knees and kiss your boo-boo and make it better? Weirdo...
(WOMAN CUSTOMER moves shopping cart and she watches OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE out of corner of her eye)
OHSF
So lemme see here. Hmmmm...this looks like a nice shade. Nice and red but how does it smell
(OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE lifts tube up to her nose and inhales deeply for five seconds)
(cont’d). Crappy scent!
WOMAN CUSTOMER
You-you put the tube to your nose and smelled it!!
OHSF
That’s what a person does to smell
WOMAN CUSTOMER
That is like....soooo disgusting! How could you? People try on that lipstick!
OHSF
So?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Nose germs not to mention nose hair! Thinking about it makes me gag Tell me you don’t have a cold sore
OHSF
And if I did? I don’t like the smell of this brand anyway (replaces tube) Happy now?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
And you put back the lipstick?
OHSF
What did you want me to do with it?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Give it to a sales clerk or something. Just don’t replace it
OHSF
Why don’t you move down to another counter or something so you don’t have to see me
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Why don’t you!
OHSF
I’m not finished here, yet. In fact, I’m gonna smell every lipstick here!
WOMAN CUSTOMER
You are truly disgusting.
OHSF
Get over it. Now if you’ll excuse me...
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Fine. If that’s the way you want it.
(WOMAN CUSTOMER moves to where cash register computer is situated. There is an internal microphone located on the counter, which woman customer grabs)
CASHIER
Hey! You can’t do that!
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Just borrow for a minute... ‘Now hear this, now hear this! Calling all female shoppers. Lipstick is being given away free in the cosmetic section. You heard it right – FREE! Just push your shopping cart over to lipsticks and you’ll see a fake blond haired lady who is waiting to serve you.’
(There is a rush of shopping carts that head for the cosmetic department)
WOMAN CUSTOMER (cont’d)
So what is it worth to you not to tell everyone heading here that you sniffed all the lipsticks?
CASHIER
You smelled all the lipsticks here? I’m calling security...
OHSF
Not all... I mean, she’s lying... Really...
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Saw her with my own eyes. She's a sniffer alright. Disgusting! By the way – do you happen to have the shade, Beige Goddess?