OLD SOLDIERS - THE PLAY

As mentioned in a previous blog, working on converting my short story, "Old Soldiers", into a play for submission to the BBC International Radio Playwriting Competition. To this end, I've completed approx. a dozen pages so far, with merely a month or so to go. Whether or not I can finish in time remains uncertain but even if I don't complete it this year, plan to submit it next time round. Obviously, I have to make modifications and change the story line somewhat given that the play should be 70 pages. I really do like what I've written so far.

Sound effects are minimal, at least at this point, but the story line calls for more later on. Meanwhile, here is a sample of the play so far. Comments welcome.

Note the play is not formatted for stage.

OLD SOLDIERS
By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: A pub/bar.
SFX: Soft rock background music plays in the background, sound of people talking; sound of clinking glasses

JOE MCKENNA
Yup…yup…yup…one less of us. The way things are going, won’t be long before we’re all gone. ‘Over here, Mac!’ The man can hardly walk, even with a walker

MIKE
He's 87 for Christ's sake! We all ain’t peppy anymore in case you haven’t noticed. My glass is empty

JOE MCKENNA
Yeah and? I bought the last round

MIKE
Not! Well?

JOE MCKENNA
Well - what?

MIKE
It’s your damn turn to buy! Open up your pockets and free the moths

MAC
(gasping, breathing heavily)
Really... windy... out there – and cold. Hope it’s not...like this tomorrow

SFX: blows nose

MIKE
We don’t get to choose the kind of weather t’get buried. Anyway, it’s November.

JOE
Whad’ya having, Mac?

MIKE
You’re buying him a drink? What about me?

JOE
He just got here. You been sponging off me for an hour

MIKE
Say what? You got that backwards!

MAC
I don’t need no handout. I can afford t’buy my own drink, thank you very much.

JOE
Whatever…

MIKE
You should’a taken him up on that. The man’s a cheap bastard

MAC
(aside to bartender)
‘The usual!’ My body feels like one gigantic pain

JOE
Just a few of us old farts left, now.

SFX: GLASSES BEING PLACED ON BAR

BARTENDER
So who’s paying?

(five seconds of silence)

MIKE
He is!

MAC
I’ll pay for all of us if it means avoiding another fight. Drink up guys!

JOE
‘To all the fallen heroes – especially Percy – wherever you are!’ I cut his obit out’ta the paper t’keep as a souvenir

MIKE
Another obit for your wallet? Must be full by now

JOE
It’s easy to fill these days what with medical bills and all, but not with money.

MIKE
Don’t I know it

MAC
I wanted to keep the obit, too, but I don’t get the paper every day, anymore

JOE
I’ll save mine for you when I finish. A person should keep up with what’s going on in the world

MAC
What the hell for? I don’t need’a read about murders and people dying in the street. Ignorance is bliss

MIKE
Did it say whether Percy had any kids? Don’t recall him mentioning anything

JOE
(reading out loud)
‘….Percy Albertson, son of….blah-blah-blah… Daughter Fiona…’ He had a daughter? Don’t remember him mentioning any

MAC
Maybe he wasn’t speaking to her. Families are too busy these days to visit the old folk

JOE
Says the funeral’s tomorrow afternoon at 2 o’clock. Good – that gives me enough time

MIKE
To do what? Watch your TV programs?

JOE
Got plans t’make

MAC
Like?

JOE
Plans…that’s all. I don’t hav’ta tell you everything

MIKE
You never share anything even though we tell you our personal stuff. Shoot - didn’t find out you were married ‘til three months later. You are one secretive weirdo

JOE
They’ll bury him with full military honors for sure, flag and all. Big, bloody, deal. He needed help when he was alive

MIKE
There you go changing the subject on us, again. Hey look – the old jukebox is working again.

SFX: sound of coins on table

Anybody got five bucks to play a song?

JOE
Say what? The jukebox takes $5 a shot, now? I’ll listen to my old 45’s

MIKE
Never mind – I found a five dollar bill

JOE
Wa’cha gonna play, anyway

MIKE
You gotta pay if you wanna know what I’m gonna play. The good old days weren’t so good, anyway

JOE
I can wait to hear

MIKE
I’ll be back

MAC
This weather don’t do my back any good. I have trouble walking today

JOE
What about those new pills they you last month?

MAC
Pills can’t re-build an old, worn-out body and that’s what I need. A new body

JOE
Don’t we all. What time is it, anyway?

MAC
Four o’clock. Anybody hear from Al? He was supposed meet us here an hour ago

JOE
He left a message on my answering machine last week to say he’d be joining us.

MAC
It’s getting dark. Don’t like it out when it gets dark. Not safe for old people

MIKE
Maybe we should call him and see if he’s on his way? I mean, he hasn’t been well lately

MAC
Do you have his phone number?

JOE
He never gave it to me

MAC
Come to think of it, I don’t have it

MAC
Mike’s coming back. Where’s the music? Jukebox not working

MIKE
Neh! They don’t have my stuff. Only that crap they play on the radio these days you know – Lady Goo-Goo…whoever. So where’s Al?

MAC
Damned if I know. Who was supposed to call and remind him?

(silence)

JOE
Just great. The guy supposed to meet us here and nobody bothers calling to remind him. Good friends he has

MIKE
Do you have his number, big shot?

JOE
No but I assumed one of youze has it written down, somewhere

MAC
What about a cell phone?

MIKE
Doesn’t own one. He never much liked modern technology. To tell you the truth, neither do I

JOE
So how we supposed to remind him that we’re all here and he’s supposed to meet us? Send a messenger?

MIKE
He could still show up

MAC
I said…I have one

JOE
One what? What are you babbling about?

MAC
I have…a cell phone

MIKE
What in God’s name do you need a cell phone? All your friends are dead

SCENES FROM REAL LIFE

A SHORT PLAYETTE: THE COFFEE CUP


SCENE: WELL-KNOWN COFFEE SHOP/CHAIN. MAN RETURNS WITH TWO MUGS, ONE FILLED WITH COFFEE AND THE OTHER WITH BOILED WATER FOR TEA


MAN
(placing mug on table)
Here's your boiled water


(woman peers into cup and stares for 5 seconds)


MAN
Aren't you going to drop in your teabag? The water's gonna get cold and you know how you are about water being boiling hot


WOMAN
I have a problem here

MAN
Now what? The water's luke warm, I suppose?


WOMAN
Nope. The water is dirty


MAN
You're kidding! Dirty as in...


WOMAN
Look inside. There are black thingies floating around


(man lifts mug and peers inside)


WOMAN
...and the rim of the mug is dirty. What do they use to wash their dishes? A cat's tongue?


MAN
You're right - there are thingies floating around. You go bring it to their attention. It's your water


(there is a small line-up of people waiting to be served. Woman waits at end of line holding mug of water. Female/customer in front turns around looks at mug and then at woman)


WOMAN
Dirty water. Horrible


CUSTOMER
Oh.. That's too bad...


WOMAN
Yes it it and look - thingies floating inside


CUSTOMER
(peering into mug)
Yup - I see them, too. Look - why don't you move in front of me. You should be first since you were already served


WOMAN
Thank you. That's very considerate. It's just so...blechy to get a dirty mug.


CUSTOMER
Why don't you ask them for a paper cup, instead?


WOMAN
That's okay for coffee but for tea, one must have a china mug


CUSTOMER
It's your turn now... give him hell!

WOMAN
(to person serving coffee)
This water has thingies floating around in it and the mug is dirty. Check it for yourself.


CUSTOMER
She's right, y'know. Check it out! Really - you guys should make a better effort to wash your cups better


(SERVER TAKES MUG FROM WOMAN, LOOKS INSIDE, THROWS HER A DIRTY LOOK, EMPTIES WATER AND RE-FILLS MUG. WOMAN TAKES IT FROM SERVER AND CHECKS WATER AND MUG)


WOMAN
This looks okay but I'll have to take it back and look under the light


SERVER
Dishwasher is broken


WOMAN
Then don't use china mugs! I mean, really... If you had told me in advance, I would have settled for coffee today and used a paper cup


SERVER
Of course. You're right. The customer is always right. I should have known better... Your mug of water is clear now and there are a lot of people waiting to be served


WOMAN
(turning to people in line)
'Their dishwasher is broken! Stick to paper cups!'


WOMAN
(aside to server)
Have a great day. Tea in paper cups - what next...

Really - I am pathetic. As explained and shared in this blog, I'm sort-of disorganized when it comes to sending out my plays. Instead of keeping track of who, when and where the plays end up, I rely on their response to guide me.

Today, for example, I received a "Dear Playwright" letter - actually it was a "Greetings Playwright!" e-mail to be exact. It was a relatively nice "thanks-but-no-thanks" if these things can be classified as nice. There was a list of playwrights whose works were being performed and mine wasn't among them. Thing is - I don't remember whether I submitted something to them or not! I suppose I could send them a letter...something to the effect:

"Dear Blah-Blah,

Thank you for your e-mail and for providing me with a list of the lucky playwrights even though my name is missing, and adding some nice words and phrases to make the non-winners feel better. I've been somewhat busy of late and I'm wondering if you might be so kind as to provide me with the title of the play I did and/or could-have and/or might-have sent you. It's for my records you understand and I wouldn't want to keep submitting the same play(s) to you year after year. Wishing you a successful season, which would have been more successful had my play been selected."

Maybe one day I'll get my act together. Oh my -I made a pun!