Thursday, April 23, 2009

SAME OLD, SAME OLD
by Eleanor Tylbor



So Eleanor, it's been a while since any new updates have been provided. How are things going with you in the playwriting arena?

Same old, same old. Still pursuing that evasive first play production and sending out queries to various competitions and theatres. Whenever I send out my play followed by that inevitable wait for a response, I've managed to convince myself that a long wait indicates that they/a theatre really like it and want to discuss it's merits among themselves.

"Hey Paul (or Jessica or whoever) - did you read that Tylbor play? Wasn't it hysterical? We gotta find a place for it this season!"

If this were only the case!

Also been re-reading some of my older plays and evaluating the dialogue and plots. Frequently, the concept that perhaps I only have two full plays in me surfaces. It took me almost two years to write them and umpteen years: translation: still updating, years to perfect them to the point they are now. Anyway...

Each day I check into my favorite playwriting site, The Playwright's Forum. The forum, which in my opinion is one of the best playwright-related places on the Web, is moderated by Edward Crosby-Wells and Paddy who keep things running smoothly. The site is a gathering place for both professional and neophyte professionals who offer advice and critiques when asked, in addition to sharing 'calls-for-submission' that come up. It is also the place to share successes and bemoan bad reviews or not-so-successes. On occasion and to encourage playwrights, Edd holds two-page contests for a real prize. It's a very nurturing place to hang out and highly recommended for playwrights of all levels.

When it comes to tweaking - I'm right up there. I can agonize over the meaning of a word for hours. Realistically, it's obvious that the misuse or misplacement of a word ain't gonna make a whole lot of difference or impact on whether a theatre will accept a play or not. Frequently, I get bogged down with stupid details. For example in my short, "Elvis: The Real Story" I spent 45 minutes assessing whether I should rename my female character whose current name is "Tammy." So I'm thinking: maybe Tammy is an outdated name. Perhaps another more current name like Emily, Sharon, Amanda could make a difference. This is usually followed by a period of self-deprecation and a general internal rant of "why-do-I-continue-this-continuous-search-for-recognition" to be followed by a general acknowledgement of my ability and creativity to use the right words in an entertaining way.

I've also decided it's time to add to one of my plays-in-the-making, "Dead Writes", which I started and have added to over the years. In my humble opinion, it's got potential and the makings of a good story. It's a comedy-come-mystery-come-love-story, which is always popular. The more I write about it, the more appeal it has.

Let's see now...I've wasted two hours and the characters of Dead Writes are beckoning. I'm coming Felicia. Just wondering...perhaps Felicia is not an appropriate name.


http://www.stageplays-forum.com/<

Thursday, February 05, 2009

BARBIE CELEBRATES HER 50TH BIRTHDAY:
BARBIE AND KEN VISIT THE PLASTIC SURGEON
BY ELEANOR TYLBOR


SCENE: WAITING ROOM OF PLASTIC SURGEON'S OFFICE.


BARBIE, "THE" PLASTIC FASHIONISTA, THUMBS THROUGH THE PAGES OF ELLE MAGAZINE. SHE IS WEARING LARGE SUNGLASSES THAT COVER A LARGE PORTION OF HER FACE AND A LARGE HAT COVERS HER HEAD. SITTING NEXT TO HER IS KEN, HER ON-AGAIN, OFF-AGAIN BOYFRIEND, WHO IS DRESSED AS PER USUAL IN SURFING TRUNKS. A SURFBOARD LEANS AGAINST THE WALL BEHIND HIM.


DR. MAK. M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
Barbie and Ken. The doctor will see you now. By the way – um - Barbie, do you have a last name for my records?

BARBIE
Like…don't you know who I am, nurse? I'm Barbie! I mean, I'm everywhere in better toy retail outlets – and of course Walmart. Everyone knows me! I don't need a last name!

DR. MAK. M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
Everybody has a last name. You can't see the doctor until my file is complete

KEN
Tell her, Barbie! You're half a century old for crying out loud

BARBIE
Oh? Since when do you have an opinion, surfer boy? If I'm a half-century – so are you!

KEN
Am not!

BARBIE
Are too!

KEN
Fibber!

BARBIE
Surfer stupid-o!

DR. MAK. M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
'Scuse me but I still don't have a last name. No last name- no see doctor

KEN
I've kept this secret because I love you, babe but I gotta tell someone. Her real name is Barbara Millicent Robert

BARBIE
(sobbing)
Ken – how could you?

KEN
There's nothing wrong with your name

BARBIE
It's so…plain and normal. I'm Barbie, fashionista! If the Bratz ever find out…

KEN
I hadda share… Wait a minute…I hear something… I smell water…

DR. MAK. M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
Oh shoot! Don't tell me the toilet's running over again. I swear, plumbers these days…

KEN
(grabbing surf board and running out of waiting room)
Surf's up!

BARBIE
(composing herself)
…he promised he would keep our secret forever…

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
There…there…Ms Robert…

BARBIE
It's Barbie! Got that?

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
Whatever… Dr. Mak M.E. Young will see you now

(another patient walks in. Looks around the office and stares at Barbie)

PATIENT
Hey! Aren't you… You know… I forget her name…

BARBIE
Yes…go on… You see me everywhere…? I'm into high-fashion…?

PATIENT
Paris Hilton! Like...ohmygawd! I can't believe it's you!

(BARBIE jumps up and hops quickly on tip-toes into the doctor's office)

BARBIE
I need help!

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG
So what can I do for you today…Miss Martin? Please sit down

BARBIE
Must I? I mean, I'd rather stand up

DR. MAK ME YOUNG
All my patients have to sit across from me because…because… Just because

BARBIE
Easier said than done… Wait a minute… Maybe if I just…

(BARBIE attempts to manoeuvre into a sitting position without success. She ends up laying on her back, across the chair)

BARBIE
I'm 50 years old, doctor! Half a century! My skin is saggy and soggy and I need to re-invent myself. Those Bratz girls are just too popular

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG
You know the Bratz too? You should see what I did for them! They look gor-geous!

BARBIE
Whad'ya gonna do for me?

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG
(examining her with a magnifying glass)
Well… too much sun-tanning…and too many late nights clubbing… It's wear-and-tear on your face, y'know! I keep telling you celebs to wear sun protection but do you listen?

BARBIE
I'm a fashionista… Like...I hav'ta do those things! Please! You have to help me! I mean, you are a plastic surgeon!

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG
Let me consult with my golfing buddies… I mean, let me talk about your case with other plastic surgeons. Go home and I'll get back to you

BARBIE
Please doctor – I'm desperate. Don't wait too long

(BARBIE attempts to get up without success. Finally after several ties, she manages to get in a standing position)

I hate it when this happens… If you could just move my arms down… Now push me up on my bum…

(DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG helps her, then opens the door. He extends his hand to say goodbye)

BARBIE
Just lift my arm up a little… Remember – I'm desperate – and I pay cash!

(TO BE CONTINUED… Will BARBIE receive the plastic surgery she believes she needs? Will DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG get a hole in one? These questions will be answered in the next instalment of "BARBIE CELEBRATES HER 50TH BIRTHDAY: BARBIE AND KEN VISIT THE PLASTIC SURGEON")

Saturday, November 08, 2008

The Dr. Phil and Sarah Interview: a dialogue
by Eleanor Tylbor



So Sarah Palin returns to "normal" life and starts making the rounds of the talk shows.


DR. PHIL walks on to the TV set and greets the audience

DR. PHIL
Hi there, folks! This is a great and news-making and earth-shattering and super-duper-pooper day because - right here in front of your very eyes and on TV's around the world, our guest today is Sarah Palin!

(audience cheers)

It's true - I swear it! Would, I, Dr. Phil lie to you all? Look - my fingers aren't crossed! Just a joke... Sarah's gonna be here and we're gonna talk about...stuff. You know, Alaska...Russia...the prank phone call... What's it like to lose... Meanwhile, put your hands together and welcome... SARAH PALIN!

(audience cheers)

(SARAH PALIN walks on to the stage, waving and throwing kisses to everyone. She stops half-way and throws more kisses, smiles)

DR. PHIL
Hey Sarah...sweetie! C'mon over here, darlin'!

(she ignores him and continues to wave to audience, who is now on their feet and applauding wildly)

DR. PHIL
Um...Sarah? This is my show? Hello?

(ROBIN, Dr. Phil's wife walks on stage and pushes her from behind until she is directly in front of DR. PHIL)

DR. PHIL
Now ain't that nice? Robin really loves this woman, y'know! Right Robin? 'Course she does!Now sit down, Sarah, honey!

(SARAH is still waving and throwing kisses)

DR. PHIL
(placing a hand on either shoulder)
I said...sit down! Okay. That's better. I'm the only one who stands up on this show. So Sarah - how does it feel to be a loser?

SARAH P.
Loser? You're a loser, Dr. Phil! The whole media are losers! Everyone in the whole world are losers.

(the audience responds by applauding loudly and cheering)

SARAH P.
See? They agree! Yeah! I'm a loser, alright! You better believe it!

DR. PHIL
Now...Sarah. When did you first experience these feelings of persecution?

SARAH P.
The minute I bought these new glasses. I mean, I needed a new prescription so I went out and bought new frames! Is there anything wrong with that? Suddenly, everyone is wearing the exact same frames! They could have bought other models but nooooo - they bought the exact same one's as me! Why did they do that, Dr. Phil?

DR. PHIL
(finger on chin, pensive)
Cheez - I dunno, Sarah... Maybe they were on sale or something? Never mind that. So...how y'doin'?

SARAH P.
Well...alright I guess. I mean, Alaska ain't New York or Washington or Boston or...

DR. PHIL
Aha! See folks? Sarah here's isn't geographically-challenged like the press says she is!

SARAH P.

....or Montreal...or L.A....

DR. PHIL
We get the point, babe. So? Whad'ya been up to? Been hunting lately?

SARAH P.
Well Phil - you don't mind if I call you Phil - after all...we're friends now. What was the question? Something about Neiman-Marcus?

DR. PHIL
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...! You're so funny. Not as funny as Tina Fey but funny. I was askin' you 'bout whether or not you been huntin', lately

SARAH P.
Hunting? Who told you I hunt? I don't hunt! I buy all my meat at the supermarket, silly!

DR. PHIL
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha....! 'Course you do and I'm Arnold Schwarzneggar!

SARAH P.
Who?

DR. PHIL
Arnold? Governor of California?

SARAH P.
California? Oh yeahhhhh! I can see California from my door! Yeah...

DR. PHIL
So what are your plans, now? Just to go back to your boring job of governing Alaska?

SARAH P.
Yeah... I mean, being a governor is challenging work! Very challenging! Like every morning I go into my office... Uh-oh...I forgot where my office is, again. We move a lot, y'know. They keep opening new Walmart stores

DR. PHIL
'Course it is! We know that! So...like...let's say...if a person - not me of course - wanted to hunt possum in Alaska, could they?

SARAH P.
'Course they could! We got lots of possum waiting for the stew pot in Alaska! Why, we got them running everywhere

(silence for 5 seconds)

DR. PHIL
You don't know what possum is, do you, Sarah?

SARAH P.
Not really...

DR. PHIL
Well - there you have it, folks! A regular sit-down-and-get't'know-'ya with the loser... I mean to say, Governor Sarah Palin! Thanks for dropping by, Sarah! See? We ain't so bad after all!

SARAH P.
Just wanna say before I leave that I'll be having my own talk show this fall right after you, Dr. Phil! Isn't that wonderful? You and me on the same network? It's so exciting!

DR. PHIL
Thanks for dropping by, Sarah.

SARAH P.
And I just wanna invite you and Robin to come shoot possum in Alaska anytime you want. Bye everyone!

DR. PHIL
(whipping out cell phone)
Possum in Alaska, huh...get me Wolf Blitzer at CNN...

Thursday, October 30, 2008

SO YET ANOTHER THEATRE IS SORRY
BY ELEANOR TYLBOR


Why do I do this to myself? I mean, really, I could have just left things as they are and not been the wiser but nooooooooo... I had to know.

So I entered one of my earlier short plays written a long time ago, to a competition. Why this particular play? To the best of my recollection, it had never been submitted anywhere and I wanted to see if it had legs. Or whatever.

Some things are better left alone and unknown.

After reading the play to myself to see how it "felt", it struck me as relatively well-written and entertaining. The characters were well-defined and the play itself relatively entertaining (note the use of the word 'relatively') so I threw caution to the wind and everything else, and decided to introduce the play to the world. I blame the entire undertaking on that infernal "send" button that always seems to beckon me.

"Aw c'mon," it seems to taunt as I stare with finger poised in the air. "Whad'ya gotta lose?"

So I sent it. By e-mail. They said I could!

Deep down in my soul there was this sinking feeling that I have got to know so well, telling me not to get my hopes up. Call it the "should'a known better" syndrome but my insecurity mixed with my enternal cockeyed optimism compelled me to send a follow-up to assess the odds of gaining an acceptance.

Why can't I leave things well enough alone? I could have lived in delusion-land assuming that a non-contact could indicate that it was under consideration.

"Dear Eleanor" it always starts out happily enough.

"Just to say I am sorry to say your script was not chosen for blah-blah. Thank you for sending your script."

Once again I've really decided to turn over a new leaf. Starting now, this very minute, I will wait for the inevitable response from a theatre, which was fortunate enough to receive one of my plays, but for whatever reason doesn't advise me of its fate. It's much more enjoyable imagining their happy and positive reaction after reading it - I mean really reading it through to the end and not just sending out a form letter - instead of being the recipient of a "dear playwright" letter.

I really mean it this time!

Monday, October 13, 2008

THE BBC WANT MY PLAYS
 

As is the case with many - I'll go out on a limb here and use the word 'most' playwrights - I submit to calls for submission or theatres that I feel would be a good fit for my literary output. To date the plays are still waiting to see the light of day or stage and I've shared some of the rejection letters or most often, form letters, in this blog, because all aspiring playwrights have "been there - read that." Right? Besides sometimes it just feels good to vent.

Anyway, today in my e-mail, I received an invitation to enter the BBC International Playwriting Competition. It's obviously a form letter sent out to all of us who entered their competition last year and were rejected. I submitted my one act, "Retribution" which in my humble opinion was damned good but then who am I? Actually, I adapted the play for radio adding sound effects but given that the play takes place in a hairstyling salon between a man and a hairdresser seeking revenge for a terrible act perpetrated on her by the very man who is now sitting in her chair, there really wasn't that much sound one could add. We're talking here about scissors snipping, old-fashioned hair dryers, the man choking and gasping for air - that type of stuff. Upon reflection perhaps it wasn't meant for radio but the dialogue was riveting! Not riveting enough, obviously.

Here is the form invitation for anyone outside the UK who is interested in trying their luck:

Dear writer (it's always so gratifying in a letter when you are addressed as: "dear writer"),

We are contacting you because you entered our International Radio Playwriting Competition in 2007. We’re delighted to be able to tell you that our biennial competition is launching again this year! For details of how to enter, exciting interviews with writers and handy tips, please visit our website on or after the 18th October at

www.bbcworldservice.com/radioplay

Once again, there are two first prizes: one for writers for whom English is a first language, the other for those with English as a second language. Each winner will receive £2,500 and a trip to London to see their play recorded at the BBC.

There will also be the prize of a digital or short wave radio for runners up (see rules for further details).

So, if you are resident outside the UK and have a new play to send us, please consider entering again. The competition opens with the broadcast of the fantastic award winning drama Cigarettes and Chocolate by Anthony Minghella - to give you further inspiration!
Please tune in, log on and send us your scripts. We look forward to reading them.
Kind regards World Drama, BBC World Service
.

So now I'm going over my plays to see if any of them meet their criteria and/or are adaptable. One of them does include tea cups clinking a lot, which might hit a high note with British sensibilities and another one includes pigeons squawking. I mean, a digital or short wave radio would also be nice.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

SOME-WHERRRRRE OUT THERRRRE...

By Eleanor Tylbor


Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and my play to-night...
Somewhere out there someone's (me) saying a prayer
That they'll find my play enter-tain-ing and produce it somewhere.


And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps one (me) to cope by wishing on a star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
Perhaps some big producer is dreaming of my witty lineeeees.


Somewhere out there if belief can see me through
Then we'll be together out there
Where dreams come true
In a theatre somewhere, where dreams come true

(with appologies to song writers James Horner, Barry Mann, Cynthia Weil)
Once again I've submitted two of my short-shorts, 20-minutes-and-under-plays to two theatres that shall remain nameless because I'm superstitious and it just could jinx things. Actually...given my success rate thus far, which is zero, nada, bubkis... Anyway, I'm hopeful that at least one of the two will be considered. More than considered. I want them to be produced!

I'm really upbeat (she said for the umpteenth time) having re-read them and laughed a lot. We're talking genuine laughter at being amused at the wit and cleverness of my lines. What else do we playwrights have but hope?

So now it's that dreaded period awaiting to receive news one way or the other. Hopefully not the other.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

"THANK YOU FOR LETTING US GET TO KNOW YOUR WORK..."
BY ELEANOR TYLBOR




You know you're far from achieving your goal of getting a play produced when you forget to whom, when and where they were submitted.


This hit home when once again, as is the case too many times in the past, another rejection notification greeted me in my e-mail. Actually, it came as quite a surprise since I had slowed down - read stopped - submitting my play(s) for approximately six months. A short rest I told myself, will help restart the creative process although how not submitting could achieve this was not clear. Still, I did it anyway.


Yesterday I received a rejection notice from a theatre I had somehow neglected to list in my sending-it-but-not-holding-my-breath list of "potentials." It was your usual polite thanks-but-no-thanks type rejection. You know - thanks for submitting but your script is not a good fit? That type.


However, it was the added, "we appreciated the chance to get to know your work."


O-kaaaay...


Reading this sentence over a few times it struck me that they could get to know my work a hell of a lot better if they would have produced it. We could have probably established a good working relationship. I mean, I would have been open to re-writes...changes in character names... The director and producer, actors and everyone involved could have worked together to ensure that the play would have been a smash! Be that as it may it will never be.

Sure the company member that signed the rejection notice wished me the best in my writing. They always do. If he really had my best interests at heart then he would have produced the play, no?


Anyway, the notice will join all the others but now I'm wondering how many others are "out there" waiting to make an appearance in my inbox. Ignorance is bliss.

Friday, August 01, 2008

BARBIE, KEN & THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE: the continuing saga of life among the plastic people
By Eleanor Tylbor

Our story so far:

BARBIE, KEN, G.I. JOE and their plastic "sisters" and "brothers" were relegated by circumstances beyond their control to live out their lives in relative obscurity, packed away in boxes in a warehouse…somewhere. At the point G.I. Joe, always the soldier was about to blast their way out of the warehouse, they were set free due to some unexpected legal proceedings and a court case. Once again, they continue to live out their lives in Plasticville.


SCENE:
BARBIE, ever the fashionista, is in her designer bedroom filled to capacity with designer clothes, trying to decide what to wear


BARBIE
Like…I can't believe I'm actually back in my designer home again with all my designer outfits, waiting to be tried on! Bend my arms a little, Ken. That's better. Now pass me those Dolce and Gabanna outfits. No – gimme the Gucci… No – I'm in a Stella McCartney-ish mood…


(G.I. Joe and Ken rush over to grab a handful of new outfits and fight each other to be thee first to hand them to her)


G.I. JOE
Get…out'ta…my…way…surfer…stupid-o! She was talking to ME!


KEN
Stupid-o? Look who's calling me stupid-o. Mr. Soldier Boy who blew off his own foot with a grenade! I'm her favourite and always will be! Right Barb babe?


G.I. JOE
Hey! That was an unforeseen accident. Anyway, I got another one. She wants a real man and that's why I'm here!


KEN
(distracted, looking off in the distance)Is that a wave I hear? Is surf up?


BARBIE
Ken…Ken…Ken… Like - life does not begin and end with surfing! There is more to life like clothes and being seen with the right people in the right places in the right time


G.I. JOE
(laughing)
Ha! See what I mean? She's not hanging-ten on your board anymore. She wants a real man and that's why I'm here! The time is right babe for you and me! Wanna go blow up something, babe?


KEN
Oh yeah? We go back like…forever, right Barb? We always were and we always will be and there's nothing that you can do about it. We've always been boyfriend and girlfriend – always. Course there was a time when we broke up… I was like…so depressed… Didn't come out of the water for weeks… Hadda get a whole new plastic skin transplant…and the smell!


G.I. JOE
You pathetic piece of plastic! You're nothing but… Press the red button on my back, sissy-boy. My new leg replacement has molded together, again


KEN
Maybe I will…and maybe I won't. Hmmmm….let me see now…


G.I. JOE
Oh fer… Okay. Tell 'ya what. Help me out and I'll give you a ride in my jeep. Your new surfboard there would fit in the back seat just perfectly. You'll be a big hit with your surfer pretty boys. I mean friends


(KEN hops over – on tip-toes – and attempts to lift G.I. JOE's shirt but his arms won't bend)


KEN
Tough luck, soldier. No bend-o, no button push-o!


BARBIE
(laughing)
Like…you two! You're like…so-so…


G.I. JOE
…army tough?

KEN

…your best beach boy?

BARBIE
Silly guys! Weird of course! Always fighting over…moi. Didn't your mommies teach you how to share?


(Doorbell rings)

BARBIE
Now who could that be? Maybe…more designer outfits? Or perhaps an invitation to a club opening? Hmmmmm….


(BARBIE hops over to the door on tip-toe and opens it)


BARBIE
(gasping in shock)
Like…what are YOU doing here?


SASHA BRATZ
Like…hi! Like…is that the way to welcome your friends. Right girls?


(SASHA barges past BARBIE followed close behind by YASMIN, CHLOE BRATZ)


YASMIN, CHLOE
Yeah – like…is that the way to treat us? Ooooooo – new clothes! Be our best friend and let us try them on?


BARBIE
You have-got-to-be-kidding! Like…why would I, Barbie, world-famous fashionista, let you, my former best friends who stabbed me in the back, like…try on these beautiful new outfits created for ME!


SASHA
How about because we're here to tell you something very important!


BARBIE
Like…who cares?


YASMIN
You will when we tell you that…that...
BARBIE
That...what?
G.I. JOE
Want me to squeeze the truth outta her, babe? Huh? I can y'know! Just say the word


(TO BE CONTINUED. WHAT IMPORTANT INFO. DO THE BRATZ'S HAVE TO TELL BARBIE? WE'LL FIND OUT DURING OUR NEXT VISIT TO PLASTICVILLE)

Sunday, July 27, 2008

THE TRANSFAT DILEMMA: a commentary and comedy focusing on the evils of transfats
By Eleanor Tylbor
News item: "Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger signed legislation yesterday banning the artery-clogging substance in the state's restaurants starting in 2010 and from all baked goods by 2011. Though some cities, such as New York, Philadelphia and Seattle, have enacted bans on trans fats, California becomes the first state with such a law."
SCENE: A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT. YOUNG MAN/WOMAN IS AT COUNTER AND WAITING TO BE SERVED. SHE/HE IS APPROACHED BY FAST-FOOD SERVER.



SERVER
Hi there! How can we help you?



CUSTOMER1
Depends. How's your menu?



SERVER
(taken aback)
Well...We have a great choice of burgers and fries and...



CUSTOMER1...
that's it.



SERVER
You want a burger and fries?



CUSTOMER1
Depends. Now how are your trans fats?



SERVER
Pardon?


CUSTOMER1
You know...trans fats? The bad stuff that causes clogged arteries?


SERVER
Huh?


CUSTOMER1
Your heart? The thing that beats in your chest? Clogged and then a massive heart attack? Death sometimes?


SERVER
(backing away)
Uh-huh...


CUSTOMER1
Didn't you get the message that Gov. Schwarzennegger has banned transfats in restaurants? Do you have any?


SERVER
I'm sorry but I really don't know what you're talking about


CUSTOMER1
See - that's the problem. Most people don't and especially the fast food places but it's there alright! So do you?


SERVER
(moving away from counter)
You're beginning to scare me, sir/lady! I don't know! Really!


CUSTOMER1
There's the rub. Very few people know about transfats in fries, burgers, chocolate bars and all that junk food but it's there


SERVER
Maybe I should call my manager...


CUSTOMER1
It's really an easy question. Do you or don't you have trans fats?


SERVER
(starting to cry)
I-I don't know...


(Other customers start to gather around)


CUSTOMER2
Hey! What are you saying? Are you threatening this girl?


CUSTOMER 1
I was merely asking her if the food served here contains trans fats. I didn't realize it would be construed as threatening.


CUSTOMER 2
Yeah... I heard about that. Good move by Arnie and it's about time! (turning to the server) Does it have any?


SERVER
I dunno! I dunno! I only work here!


CUSTOMER 3
'She only works here!' Isn't that what they all say? Nobody takes responsibility for anything these days


CUSTOMER 2
Ain't that the truth!


CUSTOMER 4
Yeah! We get the heart attacks and they tell us they don't know!

(All the customers get involved in a shouting match, complainting about trans fats)


CUSTOMER1
(to server who is being consoled by another server)
Know what? I'm not in the mood for a burger and fries. I'm more in a..."salad-ish" mood!


CUSTOMER 1
(leaves the store with customers and servers yelling at each other)
Wonder how much transfat is in salad dressing...

Friday, July 18, 2008

JURY RULES IN FAVOR OF MATTEL. BARBIE MIFFED - KEN INDIFFERENT
by Eleanor Tylbor


"Barbie and Bratz dolls are sisters, a jury has decided in a major victory to Mattel Inc., the world's largest toymaker, in its copyright infringement lawsuit against rival MGA Entertainment Inc.

The federal jury decided Thursday that the designer of MGA's Bratz characters conceived the idea for the dolls while working for Mattel — a ruling that could mean millions of dollars for the Barbie maker when the jury considers possible damages during a separate proceeding.

"http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080718/ap_on_bi_ge/mattel_bratz


Word has it that Barbie and the Bratz' do not accept the reality that they are related.

"Like - how can...they be related to someone so...so...famous like me?" Barbie was quoted as commenting after the decision. "It's just not possible, that's all I have to say. Please make sure to photograph my best side."

For their part the Bratz girls aren't surprised with the verdict.

"We knew we were Mattel," Yasmine Bratz said. "I mean, we always felt - you know - Mattel-ish. We have our own site now and you can join us at http://www.bratz.com/ for fun and games and fashion advice."

"Fashion advice! What do...they know about fashion?" Barbie interjected. "No sense of color...or style...or...""Oh yeah? Well...girlfriend, at least we have joints that bend, which is more than can be said for you! I mean, who wants to spend their entire lives walking on tip-toe!"

"That is like...so mean!" Barbie said. "Isn't that a mean thing to say, Ken?" Barbie asked and then nudged her some times significant-other."Well isn't it?" Barbie asked once again.

"Surf's up!" Ken responded, throwing down his surfboard on the ground and attempting to surf ride the waves.

At that point the press conference was over and Barbie and the Bratz girls left arm-in-arms.

"Like...how can you go out with him?" Sasha Bratz asked, shaking her head incredulously watching Ken balancing on his surfboard.

"It's the price I must pay for being a famous personality and fashionista," Barbie sighed.

"Hey - this is a good wave!" Ken yelled, his arms flaying wildly on the floor.

Monday, June 16, 2008

THREAT OF STRIKE FOR WRITERS/PRODUCERS - TV COULD GET A WHOLE LOT WORSE

"With their current deal set to expire on June 30, Hollywood actors and producers had yet to sign a new contract by June 13. And with each passing day, the likelihood of an actors’ strike—while practically unthinkable so soon after the Writers Guild of America strike turned the 2008 development season on its head—seems increasingly possible, especially with both sides sparring so publicly.

SAG president Alan Rosenberg has said the American Federation of TV and Radio Artists, which signed a tentative deal with producers last month, had made no headway on those points. SAG, representing about 120,000 actors, singers, dancers and stunt men, staged a rally last week to persuade the 44,000 or so of its members who also belong to AFTRA to delay ratifying their new contract until after SAG had completed its negotiations with the Alliance of Motion Picture and TV Producers."

Given the current TV schedule and programs that passed for entertainment this season, things could be a whole lot worse.

Read the entire story here: http://www.mediaweek.com/mw/content_display/news/national-broadcast/e3i5597024fecf11e332dbcd600b1e07895

Thursday, May 29, 2008

BARBIE AND BRATZ GO TO COURT


Seems that things are not cozy or even chummy in Barbie's world these days since Bratz dolls have taken the market share from the fashionista. As if things weren't bad enough with the Mattel family of dolls over the past couple of years, now they have to add a legal challenge to their pot of problems. Here's the sad story so far:

The maker of Barbie dolls, Mattel, has argued that it should own the rights to Barbie's younger rivals, the popular Bratz dolls range. The toy giant argued at the start of a court case that the 10-inch characters were created by a former employee while he was still working for Mattel. It wants competitor MGA Entertainment to stop selling Bratz products. But MGA contends that Carter Bryant came up with the Bratz designs when not working for Mattel. The smaller rival says Mr Bryant first had the idea in 1998, when he had been out of Mattel's employment for eight months, and that the dolls were developed by MGA engineers in late 2000 and 2001.

Here are some doll statistics regarding the group:

June 2001: Bratz dolls launchedMain characters: Cloe, Yasmin, Sasha and Jade dressed in urban fashions
September 2004: Bratz outsell Barbie in the UK
September 2005: Bratz animated TV series airs
August 2007: Bratz online community launched

But in the opening day of evidence in California, an attorney for Mattel said Mr Bryant's sketches were done on Mattel notepaper and that he worked on the designs for a year while still working for the company.

"MGA didn't hire him straight away," said Mattel attorney John Quinn. "They polished the fashion doll design using Mattel resources and Mattel personnel."

Earlier this month, Mattel dropped its claim against designer Carter Bryant for $35m in royalties he had been paid by MGA Entertainment for his work on the Bratz dolls. MGA said Mattel's claims against it were "equally baseless" and said it intended to counter-sue for $1bn in damages at the end of the current court case. Barbie has slipped in popularity since the launch of the Bratz franchise in 2001. As well as dolls, the Bratz product range includes clothes for young girls, stationery and a feature-length movie featuring the characters.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/7423435.stm

Extra: Barbie comments on the case!

In a recent interview with the newly released Barbie from her cardboard prison located in a warehouse... somewhere, the glamorous symbol of the vinyl set for her part, says that she only wants what is rightfully hers. Whatever that is once the dust settles.

"Designer shoes...designer outfits...designer purses...limos...my needs are simple," Barbie said, when asked for a reaction to what is happening, "especially compared to those Bratz girls! I hear they even got their own TV series! That's it! I'm suing!"

GI Joe who happened to be sitting next to her, came to her defence.

"Yeah - she only wants what's hers! D'ya think it was easy having to live in a cardboard box? Well I can tell 'ya - it wasn't! It was hard! Read hard! No bullets...no tanks... Nothing! No way to defend everyone from the enemy. Right babe?"

More updates as they occur.
WRITERS & FRIENDS

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Wanted: one stripper. Experience not necessary
by Eleanor Tylbor



A theatre company in Norfolk (England) is in desperate need of a thespian... Perhaps acting experience isn't even necessary for this role.

The Boo and Hiss Company (catchy name!) requires the services of a stripper - in the name of art of course - for its fall production of "Fur Coat and No Knickers."

Keith Gilbert, one of the 20-strong players, said: "It's not a difficult role. There are no words, just the stripping down to the underwear bit. "But we can't find a woman to take some of her kit off as part of a stag-night party scene.

"The company made the appeal after one of the group who was pencilled in for the role pulled out because the performance clashed with her 30th birthday party.

Mr Gilbert, who is also mayor of Watton Town Council, added: "There is nothing erotic about it. It's just very, very comical."

The play, written by Mike Harding, tells the story of Deirdre Ollerenshaw and Mark Greenhalgh's wedding and includes the disastrous drunken exploits of a stag night.

Fur Coat and No Knickers will be performed at the Queens Hall, Watton, between 18 and 20 September.

Anyone who is interested in the part should contact Boo and Hiss Company in Watton.

The Boo and Hiss Theatre Company previously staged comical productions including 'Allo! 'Allo! and Are you Being Served?”

“All the money we raised went to the Norfolk and Norwich Scope (NANSA) charity which helps people suffering with cerebral palsy and associated disabilities,” Mr Gilbert said. “Last year we managed to raise £500 for them and we hope to get even better results this year.”Fur Coat and No Knickers will be performed at Watton's Queen's Hall from September 18 to 20.

Think you fit the bill?

For more information contact Keith Gilbert on 07730375986.

Writers & Friends

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Monday, May 05, 2008

In God We Trust. How do you spell that?
by Eleanor Tylbor


Perhaps he means well but somehow changing one's name to "In God We Trust" is bound to have interesting or at least humorous results. If the court allows him to do this.

Steve Kreuscher wants a judge to allow him to legally change his name. He wants to be known as "In God We Trust."

Kreuscher says the new name would symbolize the help God gave him through tough times. The 57-year-old man also says he's worried that atheists may succeed in removing the phrase "In God We Trust" from U.S. currency. He recalls that the phrase "God Reigns" was removed from the Zion city seal in 1992 after Illinois courts deemed it unconstitutional. Zion was founded as a theocracy - by a sect that believed the Earth was flat. The school bus driver and amateur artist in the northern Chicago suburb says he has filed a petition to change his name in Lake County Circuit Court.

************************************************************************************

So let's say he is allowed to change his name to In God We Trust.

Let's say it's time for him to sign his signature.


IN GOD WE TRUST
(paying for food at restaurant)
Do you take major credit cards?

WAITER
Of course, sir

IGWT
Okay...here. Take this one

(waiter walks away examining credit card. Returns a few minutes later)

WAITER
Um... Sir... We seem to have a problem here

IGWT
Oh? Did I put the wrong amount or something?

WAITER
That's fine. Um... It's about your signature?

IGWT
What about it?

WAITER
Um... You signed the motto written on a coin. I'm sure it was a mistake

IGWT
Not!

WAITER
We require a name, sir.

IGWT
In God We Trust!

WAITER
I'm sure you do - we all do, sir. However, we need a real name

IGWT
That is my real name

(Manager joins him)

MANAGER
Is there a problem here?

IGWT
Your waiter won't accept my credit card!

MANAGER
That's right. I told him not to! Sir - we need a name. A real name! Not a political statement or something... In God We Trust cannot in any way be considered a name. So if you'll just show us some other piece of identification...

IGWT
All my identification has In God We Trust. Do you believe in God?

MANAGER
What's that have to do with anything?

IGWT
Well - do you?

MANAGER
My personal beliefs have nothing to do with the present situation at hand. How about paying with some cold cash, instead?

IGWT
See? It's your "who cares" attitude that could cause "In God We Trust" to be removed from our coins!

MANAGER
So you admit that's not your real name! I knew it!

IGWT
I beg your pardon! FYI - that IS my legal name! Here... I'll show you my driver's license...and my vehicle registration...

MANAGER
(reading pieces of identification)
Well, I thought I've seen it all! Forgive me sir. I was wrong and you're right! However, you must admit that this is a bit unusual

IGWT
Let's just say it's my own personal political statement

MANAGER
Fine with me. Now if you'll just sign the bill here... I can't seem to read your second name.

IGWT
E Pluribus Unum. Is there a problem?

Saturday, April 12, 2008

BARBIE, KEN & THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(the continuing saga of life among the plastic people)
by Eleanor Tylbor
Our story so far:

EXILED IN A WAREHOUSE DUE TO AN UNFORESEEN PRODUCT RECALL, THE PLASTICVILLE CREW WERE UNDER SEIGE BY A DEMOLITION COMPANY, SENT TO CLEAR OUT THE WAREHOUSE



BARBIE
(struggling to lift the lid of her box)
Somehow...we've...got...to...show...that...we're...here. Can't...move...this...top. If...only my...legs...would...bend...


G.I. JOE
Stop your moaning, soldier! You're part of the proudest fighting machine in the nation! Ten-shun!


BARBIE
Earth-to-G.I. Joe! Earth-to-G.I. Joe! Knock-knock! Anybody home?


G.I. JOE
Who's there? Anybody-home-who? Love 'em knock-knock jokes! Go on - tell me the punch line


BARBIE
No Joe - it's not a knock-knock joke. It's not funny one little bit! Like...we gotta find a way to tell those people we're here or else it's curtains for us


KEN
Surf's up! I hear it and the smell of salt water!


BARBIE
Ken...Ken...Ken... What you hear is the sound of heavy equipment and the smell of gasoline. Get a grip!


G.I. JOE
Yeah - get a life soldier sissy-boy! (sniffing) I just love the smell of gasoline in the morning! Hey soldiers - I think I got me an idea. I'm not quite sure yet but I feel something happening in my head. Wait a minute... Yeah - it's definitely an idea. Sometimes it's just dandruff but this time it's an idea...


KEN
Oh Gawd! We're gonna die!


(ALL THE BARBIES', KENS' AND GI JOE'S' IN THE BOXES, ECHO KEN'S WORDS)

BARBIES, KENS, GI JOES (TOGETHER):
'We're gonna diiiiie!'


G.I. JOE
(softly)
Ssssssh - quiet - everyone! The enemy is near! They think we can't hear them but I can. I've been trained to hear enemy talk. These aren't your run-of-the-mill, every-day, plastic ears, y'know! Keep your mouths shut and for gawd's sake - youze all, stop your snivelling! I can hear them... They're saying: 'Blow this place sky high!' I gotcha, you bastards! You ain't gonna get away with it! G.I. Joe is gonna blow us all to kingdom come! I got me one last grenade and...


BARBIE
No! Please! Listen to me, Joe! Babe! Soldier boy!


KEN
We're all gonna diiiiiie! I'm too young to die. I still got a lot of surfing to do!

KEN:(sung to: "Lot of Livin' to Do")
There are waves, just right for some surfing,
And I'm gonna get me a few,
Lots of curls waitin' in Hawaii,
Oh I got a lot of surfin' to doooooo!



BARBIE
Oh Ken - I love it when you sing! I almost forgot what a good voice you have


KEN
I know. Remember when I tried out for American Idol but they wouldn't let me sing to my surf board? Damn Simon! Damn Brits! What do they know about surfing? Oh babe! If only I could touch you! Remember how we used to watch the waves from your beach house, holding hands? The tips of our plastic fingers touching each other. It was magic! Waves came in...and then went out... Came in...and went out...


BARBIE
I get the picture. That seems like centuries ago! Oh why, oh why, must we deserve this fate?


G.I. JOE
Hey! As long as I got my one leg and arm - I'm gonna save us all! And don't forget I still got my teeth


KEN
...we don't have teeth, G.I....


G.I. JOE
Oh yeah. I knew that. Well...anyway. All I haf'ta do is pull this here string with my one good toe... And... Just a minute now...I'm almost there


BARBIE
No! Stop! You'll blow us all to bits!


G.I. JOE
Almost there...I got the end... just pull...


(SUDDENLY, THERE IS A HUGE BANG AND EXPLOSION. ALL THE BOXES AND THE LIDS FLY UP IN THE AIR)


KEN
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Surf's up!


BARBIE
(in mid-air)
My-my wardrobe! It's ruined! My life as a fashion icon is over! I am no longer the fashionista that everyone looks up to... The Bratts win in the end


G.I. JOE
Told you I'd get us outta here, babe! Look - there's my jeep down there! We're as good as free, babe!


(AS THEY SLOWLY FALL TO THE GROUND, ONE CAN ONLY SPECULATE AS TO WHERE THEY WILL END UP NEXT. WILL THEY BE FREE AGAIN OR ARE THEY FUGITIVES FROM JUSTICE?)

Monday, April 07, 2008

ANNA NICOLE SMITH: the opera(?)
by Eleanor Tylbor
It was Andy Warhol who said in the future, everybody will be famous for 15 minutes. If that's the case then ex-Playboy centrefold, Anna Nicole Smith, will have had her share of being a celebrity, and then some.

Her life will soon be the focus of an opera by the co-creator of the cult musical, "Jerry Spring: The Opera" if all goes as planned.

Composer Richard Thomas is writing the libretto for a contemporary piece, to be staged at the Royal Opera House no less, in 2010. He said the tragic life story of Ms Smith, a former stripper who died from an overdose of prescription drugs a year ago, was "a classic American tale about celebrity" which was "intrinsically operatic".

Perhaps he meant soap opera-ish.

The production, still in the early stages of development, is intended to be shown on the main stage at the Royal Opera House, accompanied by a 90-piece orchestra. Mr Thomas admitted that he was fascinated by stories which might seem "trashy".

He told The Independent newspaper: "It's an incredible story. It's very operatic and sad.
She was quite a smart lady with the tragic flaw that she could not seem to get through life without a vat of prescription painkillers."

However, his choice of subject, a woman labelled "the queen of trailer trash" by American tabloids, is unlikely to appeal to diehard fans of classical opera, some of whom have accused the Royal Opera House of dumbing down.

Read the backgrounder about the soon-to-be-(soap)opera here:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/04/04/nsmith404.xml


Personally, I wouldn't waste my money on this show and why anyone would want to do a show based on the life of Anna Nicole Smith is beyond stupid or inane.

Yawn... Pass... Not for nothing...

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

STRANGERS
(a silent play with no words spoken whatsoever)
By Eleanor Tylbor


GUY1 walks across the stage and is approached by GUY2.


GUY1 waves at GUY2 but GUY2 doesn't wave back.


GUY1 waves at GUY2 again, smiling.


GUY2 ignores him and turns his head sideways.


GUY1 rushes over to him and taps him on the shoulder, forcing GUY2 to acknowledge his presence


GUY2 turns to face him, pushes him backwards and attempts to rush away


GUY1 blocks his departure with an extended arm and moves his face close to GUY2's face, and points to his face


GUY2 backs up and attempts to flee


GUY1 chases after him but GUY2 moves too quickly.


GUY 1 drops his head and shakes it slowly and his shoulders droop indicating dejection


A FEMALE APPROACHES.


GUY1 lifts his head and focuses his attention on her. He scans her body with his eyes, taking in her figure. He smoothes his hair, fixes his shirt collar and adjusts his pants. She is reading while walking and he makes a point of bumping into her.


FEMALE, startled, drops book and takes step backward.


GUY1 smiles and bends over to pick up book. He glances at title and points at her - then at himself.


FEMALE grabs book out of his hand and attempts to move on, obviously leery of GUY1.

GUY1 extends his arm and touches her shoulder. She whirls around and hits him squarely across his face. He reels backwards and places his hand on his face, shaking his head in bewilderment and shrugs his shoulders


FEMALE removes her purse that is hanging on her shoulder and hits him on his shoulders - then focuses her attention on the book and moves on


GUY1 drops down on to the floor, drops his head and it's obvious by his heaving shoulders that he is sobbing. He shakes his head in frustration while pounding the floor with his fists.

He suddenly jumps up after spotting a CLOWN, who is puffing away on a cigarette. GUY1 jumps up and down in excitement, runs towards clown in an attempt to communicate with him

(END OF SCENE 1)

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

The Play's the Thing - Even If No Words are Spoken by Anyone
by Eleanor Tylbor


To say that Austrian playwright, Peter Handke is a man of few words is truly an understatement.

In fact he has written a play entitled, "The Hour We Knew Nothing of Each Other" to be performed at the National Theatre from March 31 to April 12 for 30 performances. What makes his play "special" is that not one word will be spoken by the actors.

For 1 hour and 40 minutes, 450 characters will be silent.

According to a blurb on the National Theatre site:

http://www.nationaltheatre.org.uk/thehour


The play is best described: "For a moment, a bright, empty town square. And then a figure darts across, and another and another – businesspeople, roller-bladers, a cowboy, several street-sweepers, a halfdressed bride, a film crew, a line of old men, a tourist, a beauty in a mirrored dress, Abraham and Isaac, a family of refugees, a fool – more and more people, the bizarre and the humdrum, fleetingly connected by proximity alone."

The idea apparently came to Handke as he sat at a cafe on an Italian piazza watching strangers come and go. Even if not a word is spoken, the play is not sound-less. The silence is punctuated by snatches of music, the occasional scream and the recorded sounds of an aeroplane or workmen drilling.

A National Theatre spokeswoman said: "It is a great piece of work, challenging and something that we should be doing. Tickets are selling well - not like hotcakes, but they are doing well. It is appealing to younger people. We think our more traditional audiences will wait until the reviews."

If this is a success, I shall re-read and re-edit my plays with the possibility of eliminating the dialogue. Perhaps I'll re-name the wedding play, "Make Me a Wedding and Let's Keep It Between Ourselves." Given that it's a comedy, there will be lots of body language and gesturing. Since my play has a mere 9 characters, it shouldn't be too difficult to fill the various roles.

If anyone attends this play, please pass on your impressions and review.


Writers & Friends
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Saturday, January 19, 2008

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(the continuing saga of life among the plastic people)
by Eleanor Tylbor




BARBIE
Stop, GI Joe! Don’t pull that whatever you do! You’ll blow us all to bits! Oh gawd! Look at these clothes! Like...I can't be photographed looking like this

G.I. JOE
They’ll know we’re here, alright! Anyway, you look pretty good to me. A little dusty but then aren't we all?
BARBIE
But...someone like you doesn't understand that I, Barbie, fashionista, can't be seen as dusty. I have a reputation!
G.I. JOE
Don't worry, babe. Nobody believes all that gossip crap they write about you in the tabloids. Almost...got...it...

BARBIE
Stop! Like…isn’t it bad enough that you already blew your foot off trying to be helpful? You don't get it – there will be pieces of us...like everywhere!

G.I. JOE
Yeah but we'll be out'ta here! Lissen – as long as I still got one good foot and two arms… Mmmm...look what I have here. A good, old cigar…

(suddenly there is a loud boom accompanied by smoke)

G.I. JOE
…make that one foot, two arms and one hand

KEN
He’s nutso! Your boyfriend is certifiable!

G.I. JOE
Thank you, sissy-boy! Nice of you to say. Uh-oh…my bullets have melted

BARBIE
He is NOT my boyfriend and those bullets aren't real, Joe! They're plastic - just like us!

KEN
Does that mean…I’m still your number one surfer dude? Do you like me more than you like that Ass-tralian surfer-boy?

G.I. JOE
...I gotta find me some new a-mu-ni-tion! Hey surfer sissy-boy! Got any spare bullets on you?

KEN
You-you’ve seen the light, right Barbie-kins, and want me back! Right?

BARBIE
How many times have I told you not to call me Barbie-kins? My name is Barbie! B-E-R-B... B-A-R-B-I-E. Sometimes, Ken, you’re so…

BLAIN
…dense? Stupid? Empty-headed?

G.I. JOE
Think I got me some spares around somewhere here…somewhere… If only I could…check my pockets… Hey Aussie dude from Astro-Austreee-Australia – you got any extra grenades around?

BLAIN
Oh yeah. I always carry around spare grenade on my body. Cheez you are such an ignoramus

G.I. JOE
Thanks! I got it all up here (points to his head with his foot). Lissen…lend me a few and I’ll pay you back

KEN
Ssssssh! Is that the sound of waves? Surf’s up! And me without my surf board

BARBIE
They’re coming to save us. I just know it! ‘Hello out there! It’s us, the Barbies and Kens and Blaines and GI Joes… Help!’

VOICE
Okay… Move in the equipment… Yeah…we got orders to empty this here warehouse…

BARBIE
Ohmygawd! Like…they’re gonna clear us out!

KEN
Don’t we want that?

BARBIE
They don’t know we’re in here! We’ve got to find a way to let them know! There has to be a way

G.I. JOE
Leave it in my hands, babe… I mean, in my hand. By the time that I’ve finished, they’ll know alright! Your G.I. is the main man! I helped Rambo get the bad guys and…

BARBIE
Oh fer… Rambo is pretend, G.I.! He’s pretend!

BLAINE
Oh? And what are we?

BARBIE
The sound…it’s getting nearer! We’ve got to do something…fast!


(QUESTIONS DU JOUR: WILL SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING TO HALT THEIR IMMINENT DESTRUCTION? WILL G.I. JOE TAKE CHARGE AND BLOW THEM ALL TO BITS? TO BE CONTINUED…)

BARBIE
We're saved! But like…how can we attract their attention?

G.I. JOE
(attempting to reach the string to a hand grenade)
…just another inch…and…we’ll…be out’ta here… This should do...the trick...babe

When we last joined Barbie, Ken, GI Joe and their vinyl/plastic “sisters and brothers” they were spending Christmas stored away in cardboard boxes located somewhere on planet Earth. At the point they thought and maybe even hopefully assumed they were being rescued, the sound of heavy equipment indicated something to the contrary was about to occur. We join them now as panic begins to set in.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(The continuing story about life among the plastic people)
BY ELEANOR TYLBOR


SCENE: A WAREHOUSE… SOMEWHERE. ROWS AND ROWS OF BOXES COVER THE FLOOR SPACE. HANGING LIGHT BULBS CAST SHADOWS ON THE WALLS. IT IS THE PLACE OF SOLITUDE AND EXILE FOR BARBIE, KEN, G.I. JOE AND OTHER DOLLS, WHO HAVE HAD TO ADJUST TO LIFE IN A CARDBOARD BOX


BARBIE
(muffled voice)
Hel-lo? Like…can anybody hear me?

G.I. JOE
Yeah – me babe! Your best buddy and boyfriend and love of your life, G.I. Joe, here to save and serve you! Is the enemy near? I can smell the bad guys!

BARBIE
First of all I’m not your girlfriend…why am I bothering when we’ve gone through this a zillion times, already. Like…we are friends. Just friends. Got that? Gee whiz I hate this place!

G.I. JOE
(laughing)
…just friends. Sure babe. I get it! You don’t wanna tell that douche bag, Ken, we’re shacked up. Right?

BARBIE
Say what? How can we be shacked up when we’re living in boxes?

G.I. JOE
Well…see… Uh-oh…I hear something!

BARBIE
(sighing)
You’re always hearing something…

KEN
(sobbing)
Is…that…you…Barbie? I-I’m so scared!

G.I. JOE
Ten-shun! Get a grip, sissy boy! You’re a marine!

BARBIE
Like…G.I. – it’s Ken! Think back! Ken? Surfer dude? The summer house?

G.I. JOE
Ken…Ken… I knew a Ken. Always walked around wearing underwear. A filthy pervert

BARBIE
That’s him. I mean – he’s not a pervert! He’s always prepared for the next big wave

KEN
When are they coming to get us? I’m sure surf’s up!

BARBIE
There are more important things in life than surfing, Ken!

KEN
Oh? Like what?

BARBIE
Well… like getting out of here. I’m so sick of living in a box. Like…my outfit is soooo passé and those Bratz have probably taken my place opening night clubs and everything. Ohhhhhh I’m so depressed!

G.I. JOE
Hey! I can do something ‘bout that with this here hand grenade I just happen to have on me. If I can just…get…at…it… I’ll just pull the string and blow our lids off

BARBIE
Oh fer… You do realize you’ll blow us up, too

G.I. JOE
…if I can just move my arm across here and…almost there…

(lights suddenly go on. There is the muffled sound of voices getting closer)

BARBIE
They’ve come to get us! I knew they’d find us sooner or later! Better fix myself up for the press… Hello? It’s us! Thank goodness you’re here!

VOICE
…yeah. These are them. Been here for a while now… We need the space so we better bring in the big shovels.

BARBIE
What do you mean, ‘big shovels’? You-you can’t do that…

G.I. JOE
…just a little more…I can feel the side of the grenade…the string is right on top…


(WILL THE GANG BE RESCUED FROM THE WAREHOUSE OR WILL THEY FACE A FATAL FATE?)

TO BE CONTINUED…

Writers & Friends

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Monday, December 10, 2007

Sometimes things happen for a reason although you may not know or realize it at the time. Only later on do you see some type of plan in the works. Or perhaps fate taking a hand.

As a youngster attending afternoon Hebrew School, it was an activity I dreaded or at least disliked. After a full day of regular classes at school, an hour of having to learn a new language wasn't something I relished. Watching TV was definitely a more interesting option. However, go I did, balking all the way and trying to come up with new and creative excuses to stay home. Most didn't work.

In addition to my mother's determination to ensure that I get some type of Jewish educational background, my teacher who also happened to be the school's principal, did everything in his power to make sure I attended classes. This included the actual physical act of coming to our home to find out the reason for my absence, on occasion unbeknownst to my mother. In restrospect I thought it was a conspiracy between them to prevent me from enjoying life as a kid.

Obviously, the experience left a lasting impression since I wrote and sold a number of short stories based on my experience.

Every year I bring out my favorite story, "The Dreidel King" a.k.a. "The Chanukah King" and post it in the various forums. For me it's a "feel good" story that transcends religion. Another story about how the simplest act of lighting Chanukah candles brought an unexpected response from seniors, comes a close second.

It occurred at this stage of my life that I have the makings of a children's/family play and will use the content of both stories to this end. There are few plays that I'm aware of focusing on Chanukah, especially aimed at children so it's a labor of love.

As I wrote - sometimes things happen for a reason. At least I'd like to believe it.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Shades of "Hair!" and "Oh Calcutta"...

There were calls for the blasphemy laws to be overhauled yesterday after a group of Christian evangelists failed in an attempt to prosecute the Director-General of the BBC, Mark Thompson, for blasphemy over the show Jerry Springer – The Opera.

In a landmark decision, judges at the High Court ruled that the Theatres Act 1968 prevents any prosecution for blasphemy over public performances of plays, and the Broadcasting Act 1990 prevents any prosecution in relation to broadcasts. Human rights lawyers described the decision as “a very important point of law” that would have a widespread impact.

The judges ruled that a district judge had been entitled to find that there was no prime facie case of blasphemy against Jerry Springer – The Opera as it was not aimed at Christianity but was a parody of the chat-show genre.

Lord Justice Hughes and Mr Justice Collins said that the musical “was not and could not reasonably be regarded as aimed at, or an attack on, Christianity or what Christians held sacred”.

The case had been brought by Christian Voice, the evangelical group, which condemned the satirical show as “an offensive, spiteful, systematic mockery and wilful denigration of Christian belief”.

Stephen Green, the national director of Christian Voice, had urged the judges to allow the private prosecution of the Director-General to go ahead for permitting the show to be screened on BBC2 in 2005.

He also wanted to prosecute the show’s producer, Jonathan Thoday.

Mr Green had applied for court orders overturning the refusal of District Judge Caroline Tubbs to issue summonses at the City of Westminster Magistrates’ Court in January. Mr Green’s lawyers argued that the show “clearly crossed the blasphemy threshold”.

Mark Mullins, QC, representing Mr Green and Christian Voice, said the effect of yesterday’s ruling was that “no prosecution for blasphemy can be brought against the BBC”.

He added: “That is tantamount to saying that blasphemy is of little, if any, relevance in today’s society.”

http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/stage/article3007291.ece

Saturday, November 10, 2007

BROADWAY STAGE HANDS GO ON STRIKE.

Seems that strikes are definitely in the air and the newest group to join is the stagehands union. Terrible timing with the holiday season here.

"After a morning of confusion and anxiety during which members of Local One, the stagehands union, met and the producers waited to see what would happen, the stagehands strike has officially begun. Union members are holding picket signs in front of theaters and the International Alliance of Theatrical Stage Employees, the parent union of Local One, issued a statement confirming the walkout.

The stagehands took their picket signs to the wet sidewalks around 10 a.m. today, after a meeting of Local One, their union, at the Westin New York on West 43rd Street.

The Saturday matinee traffic of tourists and theatergoers was thrown into chaos, with busloads of students sitting unhappily outside of “The Color Purple,” and nervous restaurant workers contemplating a Saturday night with no dinner rush..."


Read the full story and background info. about the strike here:

http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601088&sid=av0pFpnkOdrA&refer=muse
(Update 3)

www.nytimes.com/2007/11/10/theater/10cnd-theater.html?_r=38&hp=&adxnnl=1&oref=slogin&adxnnlx=11947253

Mind you if you're looking for a new contract, this would be the perfect time to negociate one. Still too bad for everyone concerned. Let's hope that it doesn't drag on and that a fair and equitable settlement is reached.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
BY ELEANOR TYLBOR

The continuing and sometimes funny, sad but always interesting story about life and love among the plastic people)


The story so far: Barbie, famous fashionista and media doll celebrity and cyber star of the continuing cyber soap opera, BARBIE KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE, has now been relegated to a warehouse, somewhere, along with her friends, KEN, G.I. JOE, BLAIN, the BRATZ, due to a product recall. In stark contrast to their former lives of wearing expensive high end clothes and doing the club scene, they are now in the dark in the true sense of the word, stashed away in boxes.

As we pick up the story, they are in the midst of planning a rebellion to draw attention to their plight and get free in time for the Christmas rush.


BARBIE
Okay. Can we get started? Is everyone here?

G.I. JOE
Oh I’m here babe! Big time! All I gotta do is flip the trigger on this here weapon of mass destruction and then… Boom! We’re outta here big time!

BARBIE
Joe, Joe, Joe… Get this through that thick plastic blob sitting between your shoulders…

G.I. JOE
…I love when you talk dirty like that babe…

BARBIE…whatever. Like...has it hit you yet you are lying down flat on your back in a cardboard box, unable to move?

G.I. JOE
Has what hit me? Nothing hit me! At least I didn’t feel nothing… Uh-oh - it's the enemy planning to strike and I gotta act like…fast and protect youze all! All I hav'ta do is pick up my weapon here... Arm - move! It's gonna move now... I...think...I...feel...something cold...in...my...hand...

BARBIE
(sighing)
Like...just forget about your weapon. 'Kay? Focus Joe - focus!

G.I. JOE
I'm...not sure of...what...this is... I don't remember...them...making weapons with long tails. Then again...a soldier has'ta be prepared for everything and I'm the best, y'know

BARBIE
You’re a legend in your own mind. Ken? Are you around, here, somewhere?

KEN
I-I’m scared, Barbie! It’s so…dark here. And...and I'm soooo cold... Why am I so cold, Barbie?

BARBIE
'Cause it's winter and you're wearing your surfing outfit! You don't have to be scared. I'll protect you

G.I. JOE
Hey! That’s a soldier’s job!

BARBIE
Listen G.I. – like…let me lay it on you the way things are. You are stuck in a cardboard box along with the rest of us

G.I. JOE
Hey! A soldier is never stuck! A soldier always has options!

KEN
(sobbing)
Mommy! I want my mommy!

G.I. JOE
Oh shut your trap, sissy boy! Act like a man and not a cry-baby for pete's sake! ‘I-want-my-mommy…’ This man’s army would make a man out’ta you. Ten-shun!

BARBIE
Like…how did this happen? Me, a former fashionista whose biggest problem was what outfit to wear and which club opening to be at? Look at what I’m reduced to? Can we get on with this meeting? Blain? Are you around somewhere?

BLAIN
Here! Trying…to…lift…this…top… Forgetaboutit. When I was in Australia…

G.I. JOE
There he goes again, talkin’ about that there strange soundin’ place ‘Stra-li-a! ‘Stralia this and Stralia that.’ We don’t care about your weird sounding place with a foreign name! Got that? Or maybe you need a little convincin’ with some lead…

BARBIE
Don’t listen to him, Blain. Like…his elevator don’t go to the top floor if you get my drift. Can we start now? Like…Christmas is almost here and like…we gotta be on the shelves in toy stores or we’ll never be here…forever! We hav'ta make our move, now

(sound of sobbing coming from KEN’s box)

G.I. JOE
There he goes again. ‘Wa-wa-wa!’ Be a real doll for once in your life, soldier! Ten-shun!

BARBIE
Know what’s really sad?

G.I. JOE
I’ll tell you what’s sad, babe! I could run out’ta bullets!

BARBIE
Like…I’ve been wearing the same outfit for like…months! I mean, a fashionista like me deserves better! And…and…nobody will wanna buy me because my beautiful blond hair will be flat and…and…

BLAIN
It’s okay. In my eyes, Barbie – you’ll always be the most beautiful sheila around

G.I. JOE
What’s that? Who’s Sheila? Did he make a pass at you, babe? ‘Cause if he did…

BARBIE
Oh Blain! If only…if only…we weren’t stored away in boxes and…and…we could like…reach out and touch each other…

BLAIN
We have to make a big push to get out. What if your friend, Joe, there, could shoot himself out of his box and then he could do the same for us…

BARBIE
Like…I dunno. The last time he fired his weapon, he shot his right foot off

G.I. JOE
Hey! You promised that would be our secret. Did I cry, huh? Did I? No I didn’t because I’m a real soldier! Not like sissy-boy over there… Anyway, I still got one good foot

BLAIN
Listen – we don’t have much choice, here. Um…G.I. – we need your services as a soldier!

BARBIE
Like…I dunno. I’m getting a bad feeling about this


QUESTION DU JOUR: WILL G.I. JOE BE ABLE TO FREE THEM FROM THEIR CARDBOARD PRISONS? MORE TO THE POINT, WILL THEY SURVIVE? STATE TUNED FOR THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF “BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE”

Saturday, October 06, 2007

SUBMISSION OPPORTUNITY: AN ONGOING DIALOGUE WITH SELF
BY Eleanor Tylbor



PLAYWRIGHT
Oh look! The Blankety-Blank Theatre is asking playwrights for plays. Hmmmm...interesting... Wonder if they're accepting plays from outside the U.S. Probably not...

INNER VOICE
There you go again! Negative. Always negative! Maybe they are!

PLAYWRIGHT
Yeah... Could be. Neh. I mean, this is a well-known and substantial theatre. They have enough playwrights domestically

INNER VOICE
So? What does that have to do with anything?

PLAYWRIGHT
Nothing but somehow I have a feeling they don't

INNER VOICE
You and your dumb feelings! How many opportunities did you let slide by based on your "feelings"?

PLAYWRIGHT
Let me read the guidelines, here... Hmmm and mmm - course I'm right. All the people and judges involved are from the U.S. Why would they waste time reading a play from an un-American? I suppose it would be a similar situation if it were reversed. You know - a Canadian theatre holding a playwriting competition? 'Course I wouldn't know having never won...anything, anywhere, anyway at any time. Oh to see my work actually up on a stage!

INNER VOICE
It doesn't say anything one way or the other. Why don't you query them and find out at least?

PLAYWRIGHT
Yeah... I could... I suppose... Maybe... I guess it would be a good idea. Let's see if they have an e-mail address... Hmm... Says here they have a lot of people reading all the entries. Well - that just about screws me. Wonder if they specialize in drama...or comedy...

INNER VOICE
So query and find out!

PLAYWRIGHT
Know what? It really scares me that lots of people will be reading my play. People who don't even know me or anything about the history of my play! How can they judge the merit of my intellect?

INNER VOICE
Nobody in Canada knows anything about it - or you either, doofus!

PLAYWRIGHT
True... It's just the idea of strangers reading my play and passing judgment on it. 'Oh look', they probably say to each other. 'This is laughable! She calls herself a playwright?' I bet they do that! Have a good laugh at our expense!

INNER VOICE
You're creating barriers again!

PLAYWRIGHT
Perhaps...Let me read some more about this theatre. Just as I thought! I could end up having a reading and not a production!

INNER VOICE
So what's wrong with that?

PLAYWRIGHT
What do I have to gain from a mere reading? I want a production! No - I need a production! I could just as easy get a group together and have a reading of my play. I don't have to spend who knows how much on postage and wonder whether anybody even read it.

INNER VOICE
So do it! Stop complaining for heaven's sake and do something. Your play will never see the light of day by sitting at a computer reading theatre submission guidelines.

PLAYWRIGHT
I'm sick and tired of submitting and daring to hope that maybe - just maybe - the play will be produced! All the while waiting and waiting for news. Checking the mail and the Internet for some response and all the while doubt creeping in and over-taking hope. What else do playwrights have to live for but hope?

INNER VOICE
You're telling me this? Me who shares your anxieties?

PLAYWRIGHT
What happens though if I can't find anyone who wants to read?

INNER VOICE
What happens if you do find people who want to read? If you don't take the first step, you'll never know. Go for it!

PLAYWRIGHT
Oh look here... this looks like just the theatre I've been looking for. I got a good feeling about this one.

Friday, August 10, 2007

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(The continuing story about life and love among the plastic people)

by Eleanor Tylbor


SCENE: BARBIE continues in her attempt to break up with G.I. JOE, who is not getting the message. KEN, her ex-boyfriend who took off after hearing the call of the surf, has returned, unaware of the situation. Meanwhile, the BRATZ, fresh from bad critical reviews of their first (and probably last) movie, are heading back to PLASTICVILLE, expecting to return to their former roles of fashionistas

KEN
Hey everyone! I’m back! Your Ken is back, Barbie!

BARBIE
Oh…like…just what I need right now. Ken back

G.I. JOE
(picking up a rocket launcher and pointing it at KEN)
Back from where, sissy boy? How do we know where you were? You could’a given the enemy our coordinates and they could be heading this way now. We gotta kill this guy, babe

BARBIE
Not! Like…put that thing down, G.I.! Get it through your head that we don’t have any enemies. I mean, maybe badly designed outfits and tacky clothes choices…knock-off purses. That doesn’t mean anyone has’ta die! Punished, yes. Death, no.

G.I. JOE
This sissy boy…you know him?

BARBIE
Joe – this is Ken! You remember Ken, don’t you? You and him shared a beach house for a month?

KEN
Is that really you, Joey ba-bee? It’s me, Ken, your beach bunny!

G.I. JOE
(visually uncomfortable)
Um… Well… Never saw this disgusting excuse for a soldier in my life! Turn around and put your hands on the wall

KEN
Why?

G.I. JOE
I gotta frisk you - t’see if you got any hidden weapons

KEN
Ohhhhhh – I like that idea. Here let me help…

G.I. JOE
(frisking KEN)
Stand back, soldier! I’m armed with a weapon

KEN
Oh I can see that. Wanna frisk me again? Then I’ll frisk you…and then we’ll frisk each other…

BARBIE
Like…I don’t wanna break up your sick game but G.I. – we hav’ta talk. Now please?

(suddenly, there is the sound of a car engine and a Corvette pulls up)

Sasha! Jade! Jasmin! Cloe! The Bratz are back!

G.I. JOE
You know these dolls?

BARBIE
Never saw them before in my life!

G.I. JOE
Aha! The enemy has many faces. Okay ladies. Up against the wall and spread your legs

(G.I. JOE attempts to push the Bratz dolls against the wall and they hop along instead on their tip-toes)

(cont’d.) I said – spread ‘em!

JADE
We can’t! Like…our legs won’t move apart! God knows we've been trying for years and don't even ask about our sex lives

G.I. JOE
Don’t gimme none of your lame excuses. I said – spread ‘em!

JADE
And I’m telling you – we can’t!

SASHA
Like…hi Barbie! We’re back! Where’s the party?

BARBIE
You have some nerve! The four of you take off on me…like…a long time ago and like…you try to be movie stars and like…you sucked big time and now…like you expect me to welcome you back with open arms?

SASHA
Well…yeah. Why not?

BARBIE
Um – well – because – lemme think on that question

YASMIN
The bad movie director kept telling us to emote and like…we kept telling him we couldn’t!

BARBIE
How come?

YASMIN
We don’t know what the word means. Oh Barbie – please forgive us! We miss your parties… I mean, we’ve missed you.

BARBIE
Like…right now I got other more important problems to worry about

CLOE
What could be more important than…us?

BARBIE
Um – well – him…(gesturing to G.I. JOE who is crawling around on his stomach looking for "the enemy") and Ken…and Blaine

CLOE
Blain? Who’s Blain?

BARBIE
That Australian surfer dude laying on the ground over there
(The BRATZ dolls hop over to where BLAIN is laying, staring at him)

CLOE
Hey – he’s cute

BLAIN
(lifting his head and looking up)
Mummy? Is it time for din-dins yet?

BARBIE
See what I mean?

KEN
Hey ladies – remember me? We surfed together?

CLOE
Is he still hanging around?

G.I. JOE
Okay ladies. Hands up in the air! How do I know you’re who you say you are? Gimme some proof. They gotta gimme proof, babe, or you know what I gotta do!

BARBIE
(slapping G.I. JOE across the face after each word)
You (slap)-stop (slap)-that (slap)-talk (slap)-right (slap)-now!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

PLAYWRIGHTVILLE
(the imaginary level of consciousness where rejected playwrights address the characters in their play)

by Eleanor Tylbor


Ellie has to break the bad news - again.

FEMALE CHARACTER
Uh-oh... I sense bad news is on the way

MALE CHARACTER
How do you know?

FEMALE CHARACTER
How do I know? How-do-I-know? Do you hav'ta ask that? Can't you feel the bad vibes?

MALE CHARACTER
I thought it was just a bad case of indigestion from all the popcorn she ate last night. She always pigs out on popcorn when her plays are rejected

FEMALE CHARACTER
Yeah - don't we know it! At least it's the diet kind. Okay - steel yourself now! It's coming...

ELLIE
Um - people...characters from my play... No. Friends

FEMALE CHARACTER
Okay. We get the picture. Been there, heard that. Now just cut to the chase. So?

ELLIE
Well there's good news and bad news

MALE CHARACTER
Do we get a choice which one we wanna hear first?

FEMALE CHARACTER
Oh pleeze! Just let her divest herself of all her angst will you, so that we can get on with our so-called purpose in life?

ELLIE
Ahem... The good news is that I entered the BBC International Playwriting Competition

FEMALE CHARACTERThat's it? You entered a competition? That's all the good news you have to tell us? Oh gawd - here it comes...

ELLIE
Well...I didn't win

FEMALE CHARACTER
This dear playwright, is not news. You are aware that we have been in this state for years now waiting...waiting...waiting for the call that never comes. Y'know - it's not easy being characters from a play longing to share ourselves with theatre audiences. The stage! The lights! The applause! Never to hear applause...

ELLIE
What can I say? Maybe I should just do another re-write

MALE CHARACTER
A re-write? Is that...like really necessary? I mean...the play does make a strong statement

FEMALE CHARACTER
Wait a minute. You won't change our characters, will you? You do like us, right?

ELLIE
Of course. I just want to tighten up the dialogue, is all. You'll be happy to hear that I'm going to have a public reading

MALE CHARACTERFantastic! At last real people will get to know us and who knows where that could lead!

ELLIE
Now all I hav'ta do is find some people. It can't be just anybody off the street, y'know!

FEMALE CHARACTER
Why not? A body is a body is a body. At least they're real people

ELLIE
Yeah - I suppose. Now all I hav'ta do is spread the word and set it all up...

MALE CHARACTER
We'll be waiting. We're always waiting

FEMALE CHARACTER
Ain't that the truth!

Monday, July 16, 2007

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(The continuing story about life among the plastic people)

By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: BARBIE, worried that G.I. JOE is “losing it” and concerned that she might end up losing BLAIN, her ex-but-maybe-with-a-little luck Australian surfer boyfriend who has been rendered semi-unconscious as a result of plastic bullets to his head, has broached the subject of breaking up with G.I. JOE

BARBIE
Did you hear what I said, G.I.?

G.I. JOE
Whad’ya mean?

BARBIE
Whad’ya mean, what do I mean? I meant exactly what I told you

G.I. JOE
(deep in thought)
Uh-huh. What did you say, again?

BARBIE
Um… Let me think…

(BLAIN, gains consciousness and picks up his head)

BLAIN
She means she wants to break up with you, mate!

BARBIE
Blain! You’re back! Oh praise be!

BLAIN
Mummy? I gotta go potty!

BARBIE
Like…maybe I spoke too soon

G.I. JOE
What does he mean?

BARBIE
Silly! That’s just Australian for he hast’a pee!

G.I. JOE
Good because I thought he was saying that you wanna leave me. I mean, I don’t know what I’d do if you ever did… Leave, that is

BARBIE
(nervous)
Well… You know, G.I. sometimes – um – two people – um – who have been seeing each other – um – for too long… I mean, who know each other a long time, need to – um…um… Need a rest from each other. Know what I’m trying to say?

G.I. JOE
(thinking deeply)
No

BARBIE
What I’m trying to say is… Perhaps we should go our own ways for a while - but just for a while of course

G.I. JOE
Of course – I get it!

BARBIE
(relieved)
Whew! You do?

G.I. JOE
D’ya think I’m stoopid or something? Of course I understand!

BARBIE
You’ll always be a friend, G.I. and even though we may be apart, you’ll be close in my heart

G.I. JOE
You wanna go shopping by yourself. Right? I mean, I could drive you if you want but I’ll wait outside. That’s okay. I won’t go in with you and force them to serve you first if that’s what you want. I’ll just wait outside in my tank on guard ‘til you’re finished

BARBIE
(whistfully)
Oh G.I. That’s not exactly what I had in mind

G.I. JOE
So you want me to go in and help you choose clothes like always?

BARBIE
Not! Look G.I. – let me make this so you understand. Sometimes two people who’ve known each other for a long time like us…

G.I. JOE
Yeah – we been friends since we were kids and I got my first weapon. Remember? I used to walk you home and nobody would bother you when I’m around. No-one!

BARBIE
That’s exactly what I mean, G.I.!

G.I. JOE
You want me to walk you home, again? I could y’know! All you gotta do is ask! We could hold hands and skip…

BARBIE
(frustrated)
No G.I. I don’t need you to walk me home anymore! In fact I don’t need you! That’s the point!

G.I. JOE
I don’t get it

BARBIE
That’s the problem in a nutshell!

G.I. JOE
(lost in thought)
You want I should crack open some nuts for you? I mean, that’s weird but look – if my Barbie wants nuts…

BARBIE
(to herself)
…don’t finish that sentence, Barbie… Here’s it is. Plain and simple. We have to stop seeing each other

G.I. JOE
You want I should close my eyes?

BARBIE
(very frustrated)
No G.I. I want you and me to take a rest from each other!

G.I. JOE
You mean…

BARBIE
You go your way and I’ll go mine

G.I. JOE
Oh. So… It’s…him, isn’t it?

(points at the still unconscious BLAIN)

G.I. JOE
First it’s Ken and now this…this…surfer dude is trying to steal you away from me!

(BLAIN stirs and lifts his head)

BLAIN
Daddy? I wanna go surfing!

G.I. JOE
Well… He’s gonna have to fight me for you. (does karate chops in the air) My hands are a lethal weapon, y’know!

BARBIE
I know – oh how I know!

G.I. JOE
Where’s my weapon…

BARBIE
Please – no more violence. That’s the problem, G.I. That’s your way of handling everything

G.I. JOE
Hey! A soldier hast’a do what a soldier…

BARBIE
…hast’a do. I know. Go! Please leave – now –before things get out of hand, again

G.I. JOE
(pulling up BLAIN by the hair)
Hey – you! Surfer dude! You ain’t gonna get my Barbie without a fight! Got that?

(G.I. JOE drops BLAIN’s head, which falls on to the ground)

BLAIN
‘Mary had a little lamb…little lamb…little lamb…’
G.I. JOE
See Barbie? He’s a sissy, through-and-through. Who’s Mary? Your girl-friend, sissy-boy? Well – I’m off

BARBIE
That’s the truest thing you’ve said in a long time

G.I. JOE
I’m gonna prepare to defend your honor.

BARBIE
No – please! I don’t want that…

G.I. JOE
Sorry babe but a soldier has’ta…

BARBIE
…been there, heard that

(a familiar voice suddenly breaks the tension)

KEN
Hi-dee-hi-and ho-di-ho, people. Never fear - your Ken is near

BARBIE
Oh gawd! Just what I need now

(Question du Jour: With Ken’s arrival, will the situation become even more complicated than it is? Will Ken take sides and if so, who will he support: his old “friend” or a fellow surfer?)
©Eleanor Tylbor, 2007