A small sampling from a play written as a joint project, which started out as an add-to-the-story writing exercise with bits and pieces added over time. Like most of my plays, it's a comedy but with dramatic overtones. Listed only the three main characters in this snippet.
By Eleanor Tylbor
and
Jeff Slater
CAST OF CHARACTERS
BESS MALONE, 50’s, Widow
LEANN WALKER, 17, spoiled niece of Bess
WAYNE SMITH, 60’s, physically-disabled old grouch
and owner of dilapidated cabin in the woods
THE TIME
The present. Autumn
AT RISE
Bess's arms are filled with kitchen equipment while Leann holds a cell phone extended in the air, in an attempt to get a signal.
BESS
(stopping to glance at
LEANN)
Don’t offer to help or anything. Of course it’s
totally understandable. Strain your arms and you won’t be able to iron your
hair or whatever you do with it
LEANN
My cell phone’s not working and I forgot to bring a
charger. D’ya have one I can borrow?
BESS
Of course! Doesn’t everyone carry a spare phone
charger. Just a minute – I’ll check my purse…
LEANN
Good ‘cause I promised Jeremy I’d call him as soon
as we arrived. How much longer ‘til we get to where we’re supposed to be? I’m
getting hungry
BESS
Forget about touching base with your Jeremy. You’re far,
far away from civilization and there’s not a hope that your cell phone will
work here, anyway
LEANN
I’m sure they’ll be some kind of phone connection at the place
we’re staying. Can’t wait to take a hot shower and get out of these grungy
clothes. Hey – maybe there’ll be a Jacuzzi, or even an indoor pool
BESS drops the pots and pans at the front
door of the cabin
BESS
In these parts? ‘Ya gotta be kidding! Where do you
think we’ll be staying? At a five-star hotel?
LEANN
Wha’cha do that for? I mean, let’s get back in the
car and get there already
BESS
We’re – here – or there
LEANN
(looking around,
panic-stricken)
Tell me this isn’t the place. It’s a joke,
right? To teach me a lesson? Of course it is. Nobody in their right mind would
stay... here. C’mon – it’s getting dark already and I could fall and break a heel
on my new shoes
BESS
Be it ever so humble, kiddo!
LEANN
You-you can’t expect someone like…me to stay…in a place like... that.
I’ll catch a fatal disease or something
BESS
You wanna knock on the front door or should I?
LEANN
There’s has’ta be a hotel around here. I’ll even
stay in a bed-and-breakfast. Maybe if we go back on the main road…
BESS
I didn’t see any buildings for miles around driving
up here Look at it this way: it’ll build character and heaven knows you need
some of that.
BESS searches the door frame for a
doorbell and then knocks
(cont'd) Hello?
Moves back and examines the house from all
angles
(cont'd) A palace it ain’t
LEANN
Nobody’s home. Let’s turn around and call whoever
from a hotel
LEANN turns around and starts walking
BESS
We’re not going anywhere, unless you feel like
hiking through the woods alone in the dark with all those bears and mountain
lions out there, not to mention snakes
LEANN
You're just saying that to scare me, aren't you? Y'know...I could borrow your car and go get help.
BESS
Over my dead body you will! I promised your parents
that you’re spending the summer with me and that’s exactly what you’re going to
do
LEANN
They’re punishing me for dating Jeremy! Think they
can keep us apart but they’re wrong. One phone call from me and he’ll rush up
here and take me away from all of…this. You’ll see
BESS
Face it, sweetie – there isn’t a cabin or means of communicating
with lover boy for miles and miles. From what your parents told me, he drives
an old motorcycle and that sure won’t make it up here
LEANN
(starting to cry)
Why are you doing this to me? I’m not the type that
can survive without my cell and friends and…
BESS
Believe me, by the time this is over, you’ll thank
me for the experience
BESS knocks on the door again
(Cont.d) Why doesn’t he answer? Wha’cha gonna live on,
anyway? Love? Baby girl – love don’t pay the rent or buy groceries or pay your
cell phone bill. I understand that Jeremy doesn’t have a pot to piss in
LEANN
He has job prospects. Last week he had an interview
with a company to demonstrate toys in a shopping mall
BESS
(banging on the door)
Real career move that is. Maybe you can join him
and the two of you can spend your lives window shopping. Where the heck is
Wayne? Hel-lo? How old are you now, anyway?
LEANN
Seventeen next month and we won’t have to worry
‘bout money ‘cause I’ll be bringing in money too
BESS
You? Work? Wha’cha gonna do? Be a nail polish
tester? Look – I haven’t got the patience to fight with you. I’m too tired and
getting more frustrated by the minute. ‘Hello!
Wayne!’
LEANN
Let’s go back, then. Maybe…maybe the person who lives here went
away. I mean, what human being could stay in a dump like this?
BESS
I understand he’s in a wheelchair so he’s gotta be
inside. Not the friendly type either, his son told me so we’ll just have to
figure another way to get in Maybe…
Lifts a mat in front of the door and picks
up key
Why would anyone hide the key to get in here? I can
imagine what it’s like on the inside
Opens door
As bad in the inside as it is on the outside…worse
LEANN
Eeee-uuuu! Tell me we’re not sleeping here
BESS
Well sweetness and light, unless there’s a tent
tucked away in that designer suitcase of yours, this is home for a while
LEANN
Like…you gotta be joking! There’s no way. I’m
calling my parents to come pick me up
BESS
First of all, your parents are on a cruise ship.
Second, before they left, your mom and dad insisted that I take you with me to
experience real life, so I doubt they’d even spring for bus
fare, let alone come rescue you. Might as well give up on getting in touch with
the outside world for a while
LEANN
Where I live, they would condemn a place like this.
Gross!
BESS
Where you live, maxing your credit card is
considered a hardship
LEANN
I figured this was a shelter for people who get
lost in a storm or something
BESS
Surprise! A real live person lives here. Go grab
that box with the kitchen stuff
LEANN
Darn! I broke a nail and I just had a French
manicure yesterday. D’ya have an emery board? I can’t do anything unless I file
down this nail. The last thing I need is jagged edges
BESS
Oh no! We wouldn’t want that! Hold on a minute
while I look through my suitcases here. Shoot! Must’a left it back on my
manicure table A nail file no less… Now move it, girl!
She looks around the room. Dirty dishes
cover the surface of the table;
clothes
litter the floor and a torn curtain hangs from a broken rod and
blackened pots and pans sit on top of the stove
Filth! Absolute filth
SFX: person coughing
WAYNE
(V/O)
Whoever you are, don’t even twitch or blink an eye.
I got a shotgun pointed directly at your heart so’s you might as well start
sayin’ your prayers now
BESS
(piling dishes one on top of the other, responding to WAYNE)
And you must be Wayne? Geez – when was the last
time you washed these? There’s over an inch of mold growing all over them
WAYNE
At entrance of room in front of open door in
a wheelchair with oxygen tank
Attached
I’m warning ‘ya – I’m a crack shot
BESS
Of course you are and I’m Martha Stewart, here to
remodel your home. Not a good idea to use a gun ‘specially since you’re dragging
oxygen around with you
WAYNE slowly wheels himself into the room,
one hand on wheelchair
control
lever and the other holds the shotgun supported under his armpit
WAYNE
You think I don’t know how to use this don’cha,
woman? Lemme tell you something lady, this here baby (taps rifle) has seen lots
of action over the years. Bagged me plenty of deer in my day and a couple of
bears. If you don’t believe me, look up at the wall over there
Glances up at wall displaying mounted bear
and dear heads – looks away
BESS
Disgusting! Shooting defenceless creatures that can’t
fight back
WAYNE
It was either them or me. I was defending myself
BESS
I bet. That deer looks really vicious. Threatened
to nibble your hand, right? If I’m gonna stay here, it’ll all hav’ta go, along
with a lot of other crap you’ve accumulated
WAYNE
Over my dead body!
BESS
The way you look pal that could be sooner than you
think. Go back to the other room and let me do my thing
WAYNE
Just who the hell are you, lady, paradin’ yourself
in here like you own my place? You answer my ad for a wife? If ‘ya did, you ain't
what I had in mind. Lift your skirt and lemme see your legs…
BESS
Not. Whad’ya think I am? A horse? No – don’t answer
that. I don’t know much about guns and don’t take this the wrong way, but one
twitch of your trigger finger and your foot is history. God knows you have
enough problems without adding missing toes to the list
WAYNE
You’re here to rob me, ain’cha? Heard ‘bout your
type. Come on to me all sweet like and then you’ll knock me out and steal
everything I own after having your way with me…
BESS
…which adds up to a fat zero. For your information,
your son hired me as a housekeeper, so we’d better learn to co-exist with each
other. Believe me, if I didn’t need some extra cash… In fact, I’m gonna get in
touch with him and ask for more money, especially since it means living here
with the likes of you
WAYNE
(coughing and choking)
Sure. My money-grabbing kid gets word through the
grapevine that I’m an helpless old man in a wheelchair and he sees dollar signs
floatin’ in front of his eyes! Damn kids – bring ‘em up to be God-fearin’
Americans and then they try to knock you off... Where are my cigarettes...
BESS
You think that your children want to inherit…this?
You’re a joke, Wayne! There is no way you're going smoke in my presence so you can forget about your cancer sticks. What else? You can barely talk from coughing, not to mention carrying around an oxygen tank
WAYNE
We'll see about that. Go back and tell my sonny boy, I don’t need nobody’s
help and that includes yours. Tell him…I ain’t ready to kick the bucket, yet!
Get out’ta here. GET OUT – and take your helper with you. I don't need no old battle-axe tellin' me how t'live my life. And don't come back. Hear?
