To mark this interesting holiday, I'm sharing the short/playette version of my play, "Neighbors" It's based on the real life feud between two neighbors that lived next door to each other down the street from where we lived, over the placement of shrubs on what both believed to be on their property. Never did find out the end result but their verbal updates inspired the play.
NEIGHBORS
By Eleanor Tylbor
CAST OF
CHARACTERS
John Taylor, 35, Perfectionist and fussy next door neighbor of PORTMAN
Robbie Portman, 37, Easy-going neighbor of TAYLOR
Mid-summer. Morning
THE PLACE
Back garden
PORTMAN wearing creased shorts and t-shirt, relaxes in a
hammock, beer bottle in hand
SOUND:
LAWNMOWER
Wipes sweat with
handkerchief, leans on
rake while talking to
a reaction after every statement
Too hot for
digging, today. Must be a hundred degrees in the shade for sure. 'Course some
people don’t care ‘bout how their lawn looks… Take you for example – somebody –
anybody - please?
PORTMAN
Is that neighbor Taylor
tryin’ to be a comedian? Neh! More likely a squirrel in heat
Does the
thought ever cross your mind to do something useful like - work, perhaps?
PORTMAN
PORTMAN holds beer bottle up
to the light
and bends down to pick up
another
You have to be
the laziest person in the whole neighborhood AND an alcoholic to boot. I won’t
even talk about your lawn...
PORTMAN
…so don’t…
TAYLOR
…not to mention
the dilapidated exterior of your house is the worst eyesore on the block
PORTMAN
Like it? It’s a
new look I’m trying out. I call it lawnmower-free-expressive
Condemned-modern
more likely. When you gonna do something useful for a change?
PORTMAN
But I did. I
reached down for a beer
You are aware that your property
is lowering the value of mine and everyone else. Some of us take pleasure in
having a decent looking garden -
PORTMAN
- and some of
us couldn’t give a damn. Looks just fine t’me
When you gonna
join the real world and become a contributing member of society?
PORTMAN
(ignoring TAYLOR
Always with questions
and more questions. Hey – I get it! You’re practicin' for a quiz show.
Right? ‘Potent potables for a thousand.’ Don’t mind if I do
PORTMAN takes a sip of beer
‘Down the hatch
and over the tongue – look out stomach –
down it comes!’ Here’s mud in
both your eyes
Guess now's
a good time as any. About those shrubs of yours…
Take a hike - preferably
in the middle of the street in oncoming traffic
I know I've
warned you about them in the past but this time I really mean it. They could – like - mysteriously burn down one
night. Know what I mean? Fires start so easily in dry hot weather
PORTMAN
They ain’t
botherin’ me none but you do!
They’re
blocking the sunlight from shining on my side of the garden and my tomato crop
needs sun to ripen them
PORTMAN
You're bugging me. Make like a bee
and buzz off
You must be
blind not to see they’re a good two feet on my side of the fence. Here -
lemme show you the city plan so you can see once and for all that I know what
I’m talking about
PORTMAN
No need to! You
probably paid off someone at City Hall to measure in your favor. Now where’d I put those ear
plugs to block out the sound of your nagging…
See, thing is,
I got plans for those extra couple of feet you stole
PORTMAN
Gimme a break!
Wait! I get it now! You wanna make a par-3 golf course and charge people t’get
in. Get lost. I’m trying to read this book
And what are we
reading these days? The latest in the “See Spot Run” series? Listen you lazy
son-of-a-bitch -
PORTMAN
Omyheavens!
Such bad words! Your wifey is gonna hav'ta wash your mouth out with soap
Cut them down
by tomorrow, Portman, or I’m gonna take things into my own hands if you get my
drift
PORTMAN
In your dreams, veggie boy!
I got better things to do with my time than dig up ten foot shrubs
While I have
your attention span, which lasts about as long as a flea hunting for dog's fur,
the branches of your rotten apple tree are hanging over on my side of the fence, again
PORTMAN
Don’t stop you
from pickin’ up all them apples that happen t'land in your yard
Why would I
want them since they’re full of worm holes, like your brain. Obviously, threats
don’t work so I guess I'll have to go hire me a lawyer and take you to court.
We’ll let a judge decide who owns what
PORTMAN
Got a
particular liar – um – lawyer in mind? Try Mitch Cassidy. I hear he specializes
in lost causes
That’s right,
man. Make jokes and drink away your problems. Your brain is so fermented, you don't realize the ramifications of legal action
PORTMAN
I'm so scared! Can't you tell how scared I am? All that hot
air comin’ from your side of the fence has given me a ragin’ thirst. To my
health!
If you’d simply have
checked your house plans before you moved in, all of this antagonism between us could have
been avoided and we wouldn't have to waste time being at each others throats
PORTMAN
The plan would’a
told me what I already know is true. The bushes are on my side! Go stroke
your cucumbers or somethin'
I need to cut
my grass but I can’t because you never returned my lawnmower you borrowed
a month ago!
PORTMAN
You could
always use a cow. Wait a minute! You’re married to one!
Shut your –
your - filthy mouth! You’re treading on dangerous ground, now, so be very
careful what you say next
PORTMAN
'Oh Mommy – save me!’ What a joke you are, man!
Fine. If that's
the way you want it. I’m finished with the threats. You can expect a registered
letter in the mail from my lawyer
PORTMAN
You sendin’ me
a love letter? Always had my doubts ‘bout you if you get my drift. Now I know why there’s so many of
them there panty hose hangin’ on your line
Why your wife
hasn’t left you is beyond me but like they say, love is blind. How is the
lovely Harriet anyway? Still working? Thank goodness, since someone has to pay
the mortgage payments
PORTMAN
That new car o’yours
fixed yet? Too bad your Julie ran it into the garage door. Got a problem with
her reverse and drive but it’s understandable being married to you and all
At least we
have a car that runs unlike that bundle of rust that’s been rotting in the
driveway for who-knows-how-long. Then again it matches the rest of your house
PORTMAN
Don’t bother me
none
I’m feeling
ambitious today. Just might go rent me one of those big tree cutters and do the job myself
PORTMAN
Over my dead
body you will!
That can easily
be arranged. Just stick your head through the shrubs while I’m cutting. That
way you can save money on a hair cut
PORTMAN
Keep your slimy
hands off’a my shrubs or…
…or you’ll
what? Stop me? You’re so out of shape you can’t lift one leg over the fence
PORTMAN
PORTMAN jumps up, runs to the
fence and
grabs TAYLOR
Wanna see what these
hands can do? They can squeeze your throat ‘til you turn blue
Let go my
shirt! If you tear it…
PORTMAN
…you’ll go cry
to Julie how the bad man next door ripped it?
Forget it.
You’re not worth the trouble
PORTMAN returns to his
hammock
Go on! Go back
to what you were doing…what you always do,
nothing. Zippo.
Nada. Don’t be surprised if you hear a loud noise in the middle of the night
and wake up to find a bunch of holes where your shrubs used to be!
PORTMAN
Blah-blah-blah - been
there, heard it all before
Don’t think I
won’t do it – ‘cause I will! I mean it!
PORTMAN
Sure you mean
it. You’ll do it like you’ve been doing since we’ve lived next door to each
other. By the way and because I'm a nice guy and all - it’s gone nine o'clock already
Shoot! You made
me miss my morning train commute! Now I gotta wait another hour for the next
one. Somehow, you always manage to bring out the worst in me
PORTMAN
And you know
you love every minute of it. There’s a word for people like you
And what would
that be, he asked, afraid to hear the answer
PORTMAN
Pain-in-the-butt
neighbor. Uh-oh - you’re gonna miss the next one if you don't move your
butt
Are you
planning to watch the big game tonight?
PORTMAN
Wha'cha wanna
know for? You ain’t gonna call the cops on me again
Hey! I thought
someone was robbing your house and I was just looking out for your best
interests
PORTMAN
Bull-doo-doo! So
how come when they asked you if I was the owner of the house, you told them no.
I ended up spending half the night in jail. Thank goodness Harriet came t'bail
me out
Doesn't she
always in more ways than one. Anyway, it was a case of mistaken identity. Pure
and simple. I was thinking here that maybe –um - we could, like, watch the game
together?
PORTMAN
Since when do
you like sports?
I’ll have you
know I used to play on my company’s croquet team
PORTMAN
Croquet. Now that's a serious contact game. You’re serious.
You wanna watch the game - together?
I wouldn’t ask
if I didn’t mean it. I’ll even bring over some beer
PORTMAN
You mean that
yellow-colored pissy-crap you drink? Lemme bring over some real stuff. If we’re
gonna watch together, you gotta drink my brand
You know - we've
been bickering like this for how many years, now? Twenty? Maybe more? Yet somehow,
can’t figure out how, we've managed to stay talking to each other. That has to
mean something. Something binds our friendship
PORTMAN
Maybe friendship
would be pushin' it a bit but you're right. You talk – I gotta listen
By the way you
can tell Harriet the tomatoes are ripe. Left a bag on your front porch. Ask her
if I supply the apples if she'll make another one of her delicious pies. Your
wife is one great baker!
PORTMAN
Don't hav'ta
tell me that. Gained ten pounds this year with all them apples you been
supplying her with. You tryin' to gimme a heart attack?
Oh and Portman
- maybe during half time, we could – like – discuss the shrubs? I mean, it
doesn't hurt to talk about them calmly. Right? After all – at the heart of all,
there's a deep brotherly love for each other. So are we still on for tonight?
PORTMAN
Brotherly love
and shrubs. Why do I even bother?
Figured it was
worth a shot. Anway,I’m out’ta here. Don’t stay out in the sun too long ‘cause
it’ll fry whatever brain you have left. Some of us gotta work for a living...
PORTMAN
…and some of us
like to watch our shrubs grow tall.
© 2013 Eleanor Tylbor
© 2013 Eleanor Tylbor
