Following yet another verbal confrontation, Portman has invited neighbor, Taylor, for a friendly drink at the neighborhood bar. Enter Joseph Martini, a customer, who after catching the drift of their conversation focusing on the controversial shrubs, makes them an offer that they agree to accept.
The place is Patty's Place, the bar co-owned by Patty and Portman.
MARTINI
I think I got the big picture. Don't know how'd you
feel about this, but would you consider using the services of a mediator?
PORTMAN
Ain't that a person who makes street dividers – what's
that gonna do for us?
You'll have to forgive my good friend here, since
his vocabulary is somewhat limited. A mediator, dear neighbor, is a person
who's not familiar with the parties involved, who listens to two sides of a
story and then presents an unbiased opinion. Do you happen to know anyone who
could do that for us? I’ve already contacted somebody who knows somebody at
City Hall but if you you’ve got someone you could recommend… Of course she or
he would have to have some experience with property disputes…
MARTINI
Believe it or not, it so happens that I'm a
semi-retired land surveyor by trade, and I've listened to hundreds, maybe
thousands, of stories involving issues like yours. I'd be willing to
investigate in the way of thanks for your warm welcome here
PORTMAN
Go on! Now you tell me that this ain't fate,
Taylor! Here we are in the middle of tryin' to find an answer to our problem
and Martini here just happens to drop by for a drink. I mean – what are the
odds of that happening, huh?
Indeed. A little too convenient if you ask me
PORTMAN
Chalk it up to fate, is all
I dunno - a supposed stranger shows up out of the
blue and…
MARTINI
I can assure you, sir, that this is the first time
I've visited this bar. If you'd rather pass on this opportunity…
PORTMAN
Of course he wants to get your legal opinion.
Listen Taylor, if Martini here says he made a living settling arguments like
ours, then he's the man for the job
MARTINI
I'll need to examine the house plans first…
It's just too convenient for my liking. Do you have
anything that says you’re a surveyor?
PORTMAN
Do you ask your trash collector for identification
or the local delivery guy? Why should our new friend here, have to prove to you
that he is who he says he is? Don't pay no attention to him. The man’s got no
manners whatsoever
MARTINI
I understand your suspicions and need to know more
about me professionally but I have to tell you that I'm very busy doing
contract work. So if you're not interested…
PORTMAN
Hang on a minute – I'm willing to let Martini here
study the situation - and I'll even go along with his findings. How's that for
blind faith, huh?
The only thing I'll agree to is that he can listen
to both sides and offer an opinion, period. Let’s see what he comes up with
PORTMAN
You were the one who threatened to call a land
surveyor just this very morning. Well – here he is! Any land surveyor you call
in is gonna be a stranger. D'ya want this man to medicate our dispute, or not?
We're here to fix fences, not build new ones
You mean mediate
our dispute…
PORTMAN
See what I mean? There he goes again. Medicate…mediate…what's
a 'c' between friends?
I didn't mean to insult your professional
integrity, Mr. Martini
PORTMAN
Well, I
happen to believe that friends take each other at their word, so I say - let's
get on with it! Why don't we drink to…Mr. Martini's -
MARTINI
- Joey -
PORTMAN
- Joey's findings. Line 'em up Miss Patty and
lemonade again for you Joey boy? And whatever my neighbor wants here
MARTINI
That's it for me or I'm gonna have to swim outta
here. So, how we gonna do this?
PORTMAN
Listen – here's a plan. Why don't we wait 'til
early evening, once the sun goes down, when it'll be cooler for you to measure
our land. We could hang 'round here for
a while and catch the bodacious babes playing volleyball on TV
I haven't agreed to Mr. Martini becoming involved
yet
PORTMAN
Of course you have! You wanted a meditator and now
you got one! What more could a person ask for?
MARTINI
Sounds good to me. It'll certainly make my job
easier waiting until things cool down a bit
PATTY
In more ways than one
PORTMAN
So, it's agreed? We might as well stay here. Patty
here will take good care of us
I suppose it can't hurt. As much as I would love to
hang here with you guys, my green peppers need staking and my tomato patch
needs de-weeding. How 'bout we meet later, say about…seven?
PORTMAN
We won't have to worry about workin' in the dark
since my neighbor installed flood lights near his garden, to scare away veggie
thieves
It's to discourage a family of groundhogs that
steal at night. I don't spend all those hours to have all my stuff eaten by
animal
PORTMAN
You do know that you're insultin' me again, Taylor
It's not that I don't appreciate your invitation,
but I've got a lot to do around the house. Like I said, we'll meet in my back
yard if that's okay with you, Mr. Martini?
MARTINI
Sounds like a plan to me
PORTMAN
Perfect-o-mundo!. Me and Joey...I mean, Mr. Martini will get to know each
other better, right guy?
PORTMAN
Then it's settled. We meet at seven on your
territory. By the way, I'm out of salad. If 'ya happen to have an extra head or
two lyin' around…
Nice meeting you Mr. Martini
PORTMAN
You into beach volleyball, Joey boy? Wait 'til you
get a look at those babes. Mama mia!
MARTINI
Do they carry volleyball on basic cable?
After switching on the television, PATTY brings over two drinks. TAYLOR
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