The story focuses on a woman (PENNY), whose newly acquired more-than-gently used car is stalled and her saga to get it moved out of a busy intersection. Her cell phone dead and unable to contact the car dealer, she is forced to use a public phone that is otherwise in use by a female, and a verbal battle of wits ensues between them.
THE LEMON
by Eleanor Tylbor
CAST OF CHARACTERS
PENNY FLOWERS, Owner of “the lemon
FEMALE PHONE USER, (‘F.P.U.’) user of public phone stand
PENNY
I don’t believe this! How many more things can
go wrong, today?Aside to Female Phone User: 'Scuse me, lady, but I gotta use that phone!’
PENNY looks
off into the distance and makes obscene gesture with finger
SPEAKING
TO PERSON USING PHONE:
‘Scuse
me? Are you going to be much longer?’
FEMALE
PHONE USER (F.P.U.)
Do you
mind? I’m almost finished. Why don’t you use your cell phone?
PENNY
Uh duhhh!
Don'cha think I would if I could? It's broken –just like your fingers could
be if I can’t use that phone like… now
F.P.U..
Are you
threatening me with bodily harm? Oh gawd – a nut case! I attract them all!ASIDE TO
PENNY
I’m merely
venting, silly lady, at least for the time being but things could change if I don’t
get to use that phone! Perhaps I should explain so you’ll be sympathetic to my
dilemma. D'ya see that car over there?
F.P.U.
Like,
who cares, you crazy woman! ASIDE TO PERSON ON PHONE: “Chloe, if anything happens to me, call my parents and tell them that I love them. Oh and you can tell my sister she can have my Manolo Blahnik Shoes.’
PENNY
Humor me
for thirty seconds. Over there – see the car?
F.P.U.
You
mean that orange-colored wreck? That’s - yours? I’d keep it to myself if
I was you
PENNY
I bought
the rusting chunk of junk a week ago and it died on me, today. There’s a sucker
born every minute and the dealer saw a big red “S” right here on my forehead
F.P.U.
Okay. I see
your car. Now can I finish my conversation? The more you interrupt – the longer
it’ll take
F.P.U. turns away. PENNY taps her on the back
PENNY
Perhaps
I’m not making myself clear. I'm not a violent person by nature - not at all but
you’re pushing my buttons! Wait – I made a joke - get it? Public
phone stand? Push the buttons? In my personal angst, I still manage
to find humor. I’m a survivor alright!
F.P.U.
(talking
into phone softly)
‘Chloe?
Don’t hang up on me, yet! I want proof
if this nut case attacks me.’
PENNY
You
strike me as a relatively sensible person…um…um… You do have a name?
F.P.U..
Like I
would tell it to a weirdo like you, who not two minutes ago threatened me with
bodily harm
SPEAKS ON PHONE:
‘Are you still there, Chloe? I
might need you to call the police’
PENNY
Do you
appreciate how much time that has been wasted? Precious time I could
have spent speaking to my car dealer but you insisted on staking out your
territory here
F.P.U.
SPEAKS ON PHONE:
‘Get
ready to call 911! I mean it!’
PENNY
There's
no need for that. Ask any of my friends and they’ll tell you that I'm normally
a sane person who rarely loses my temper, but my back’s against the wall!
PENNY reaches over and grabs phone
PENNY SPEAKS ON PHONE:
‘Hello Chloe? She’ll call you right back.’
There!
Your conversation is now over
F.P.U.
How dare you!
PENNY
How
dare I? How dare I, you ask? How many times did I
tell you that I hadda make a desperate phone call, but did you
listen? Nooooo! Your phone conversation took precedent over my needs, so I took things into my
own hands in the true sense of the word. If you don’t mind, I’d like some
privacy so block your ears and turn away. Better still, go away
F.P.U.
Excuse
me? After the way you interrupted my conversation? I think not
PENNY
Let me
see here…where’s my phone directory? This purse is so big, everything gets lost
inside… So this is where my salami sandwich went. Phew! Kind’a stinks. Then again, it is two weeks old. Would
you mind tossing it into the trash can over there?
FPU
I think
not! Why don’t you go throw it in yourself? It’s only mere few
feet away. Wouldn’t take you long
PENNY
You think I’m an idiot?
FPU
The
thought did cross my mind in addition to being insane
PENNY
I take
one step away from here and you jump in and take over control of the phone,
again. I think not! I’ll just put it back in my purse and toss it later on,
when you’re not around
FPU
That is
like, so disgusting! You’re gonna contaminate the phone! I’m gonna vomit!
PENNY
Don’t
let me stop you. Let’s see here…where is the number of my dealership. I should’a
filed it under “losers”. Here it is
PENNY
pushes buttons
PENNY
TALKS ON PHONE:
‘Tony please. Tony Mozarelle. He what?’
ASIDE TO F.P.U.:
This
is just my luck! They’re telling me my salesman has disappeared. Flown the coop.
Taken wing as it was
F.P.U.
Oh
well. Tough luck. Is it my turn, now?
PENNY
Not
yet but soon. Oh the angst of it all!
PENNY continues her phone conversation
PENNY
TALKS ON THE PHONE: ‘I'm a client of that place you
laughingly call a dealership. Oh they warned me not to buy anything from you
but did I listen? Nooo! Instead I go ahead and end up with this…this…clunker blocking the middle of a busy intersection! I-demand-satisfaction! Hello? Hello?’
ASIDE TO F.P.U: Do you believe she hung up on me? People are so rude these days
PENNY
(softly and politely)
ON THE PHONE: ‘Please don’t hang up. It’s been
a day in hell and I’m asking for your indulgence and forgiveness. Now, would it
be possible to speak to your wonderful manager? And his name would be…? Mr.
Anthony Blackburn. Would this helpful Anthony person be free to talk to
me now? Thank you so much… Miss…Miss…Jenkins – and you have a good day. ‘Ciao
bella.’ Mr. Blackburn? Hi there...my name is….’
VOICE OVER: “Hello. You’ve reached my voice mail because I’m too busy
selling people cars at the most unbelievable bargain prices! Every hour on the hour, we
lower the prices of our gently used ve-hi-cles so that our customers can save
their bucks to pay for gas. Leave me a message and I’ll get back
to you…whenever.”
I can’t take it! This…this… woman transferred me to an automated answering system! What ever happened to live conversation with a real person? Gone with the wind just like service in general!
F.P.U.
Why
don’t you just march right over there and give that manager a piece of your
mind, right now! I would.
PENNY
I’m
distraught and demoralized and all you can think about is to continue your stupid, insipid
conversation with Chloe! On top of it all, the automated machine spat out names
and phone locals and I don’t even have a pencil! Is there no end to the
frustration I must deal with?
ASIDE TO F.P.U.:(genteel sweet voice:)
Um - friend? I feel we’ve gotten to
know each other in the short time we’ve both been standing here - two travelers
on the super phone highway, dialing to communicate our needs. I’m wondering here
if I could, like, ask a little fa-vor? It's not a biggie or anything that could
put you out. Do you - would you… by any chance have a pen or pencil I could borrow? I don’t seem to have
anything to write with
F.P.U.
After
the way you treated me? You really have nerve!
PENNY
Just
desperate. Check in your purse. Perhaps you’d
like me to check in there for you?
F.P.U.
You
wanna rob me, don’t you? That’s it, isn’t it? Ohmygawd! I'm hyperventilating...
PENNY
Look,
whatever-your-name-is - let's start all over and pretend we just met. Isn’t that a good idea? Make
believe I'm a close but needy friend who happened along and is asking you to - nay – begging
you to please check for a pen
or pencil that I could borrow. D'ya think you could do that? As one sister to
another? All you hav’ta do is open that bee-u-ti-ful designer
pocketbook, stick your hand
inside and feel around. I'll even take an eyeliner or eyebrow pencil…anything
with lead will do…
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