Barbie, Ken & the Rest in Plasticville: at the Olympics

THE CONTINUING STORY OF LIFE AMONG THE PLASTIC SET

SCENE: Barbie, Ken and G.I. Joe have arrived at the Olympics. They arrive at a high-end hotel and are joined by the Bratz', who have been invited as celebrity guests

YASMIN

Like...yeah Barbie. Like...where's your invitation, like

CLOE

I think that she doesn't have one

BARBIE

Like...you shouldn't think too much, CLOE. It's no good for your brain

JADE

Don't be bitter, Barbie. It's like...not your fault you're not popular

BARBIE

Come again? I've got mansions all over the world. I've got a huge reputation!

CLOE, YASMIN, JADE, SASHA (together)

So we hear. Like...are you still - um - dating - that Australian dude?

G.I. JOE

Hey! She gave him up when she started going with me. Hey Bratz! Wanna see my weapon? It's really strong and big! I'll even let you touch it if youze want. It's right here...

CLOE

Like...you are sooo disgusting. We're outta here!

(the Bratz storm off)

G.I. JOE

Who cares! They're big sissies anyway. Talking about sissies, what happened to Ken?

BARBIE

Like...who knows...who cares. He's always embarrasses me with his wardrobe. Like...I'm a star! I have to be surrounded with people who wear designer names

(a loud shout is heard accompanied by "surf's up!")

(cont'd.) OhGawd! Like...it's Ken. 

(KEN is wearing swimming trunks and slides up to BARBIE on a surf board through the hotel lobby)

KEN

Hi pretty lady! Have we met? My name is Ken!

BARBIE

Like...it's me, Ken. Barbie...your one and only? Remember?

KEN

Your face looks familiar... Oh my and who is this handsome dude? Do you have a name, soldier?

G.I. JOE

Ten-shun! Get down on your stomach and give me fifty!

KEN

We hardly know each other but if that's your little game...

BARBIE

Ken...Ken...Ken...you definitely have swallowed too much water and it's affected your brain. 

(BARBIE's cell phone rings)

'Hello? Who? I can hardly hear you...Blaine? Is it really you? You sound so far away... You're where?

(BARBIE looks across the hotel lobby and spots BLAINE, who runs across the lobby to greet her. They embrace)

BLAINE

Like...I figured you would be 'ere... I never stopped thinkin' 'bout you, darlin

BARBIE

I missed you, too!

KEN

And I missed you too, Blaine!

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE: at the Olympics

The continuing story about life among the plastic people

SCENE: BARBIE and her entourage, KEN and GI JOE, arrive at the Olympics. Ken is in charge of carrying suitcases

BARBIE
Like...bring me my cosmetic case, Ken. I have to beautify myself for the press. Stop dragging your feet!

KEN
(crawling on his knees)
I can't help it, beach babe. Your luggage is weighing me down

BARBIE
Oh plleeze! You're always making excuses to get out of work and stop calling me beach babe!

GI JOE
Yeah sissy boy! Real men don't talk like that. A hundred push-ups will take care of your shoulder problem, soldier. Down on your knees and start pumping

KEN
Did you have something special in mind for you and me?

BARBIE
Did I tell you to leave your stupid surf board back in Malibu, Ken?

KEN
No can do. Me and my board here are close buds. Where I go - he goes. Right, Shane?

(KEN caresses his surf board)

(Cont'd. Ken)
...mmmmmm.....

BARBIE
You gave your board a name? Like...that is so...like...really sick and lame

GI JOE
We should'a lost him at the airport, babe. What good is he if he can't even carry suitcases?

BARBIE
The world knows us as Barbie and Ken. We're always gonna be together even when we break up. Barbie and Ken...Barbie and Ken... 'Oh look - Barbie and Ken have a new fashion line.' I'm sick of it! I mean, of course, it's sickening how close we are

KEN
...I love you, Shane...

GI JOE
All you gottta do is give the word and Ken and his wooden friend will surf the waves forever, if you get my drift.

KEN
Somebody say surf's up?

(cups his hand behind his ear)

BARBIE
What are you doing, Ken?

KEN
Surf's up! I can smell it! Time to hang ten off the top!

BARBIE
Like...put your clothes back on. There are no waves here

KEN
Must be the smell of the salt water taffy that's confusing me

BARBIE
Or all that water that's gone to your brain. Oh no! What are they doing here?

(The BRATZ approach)

BARBIE
What are YOU pathetic pieces of plastic doing here?

YASMINE
We were invited.

JADE
Yeah...we have an official invitation.

(extends invitation to show BARBIE)

(cont'd) Where's yours, Barbie

BARBIE
Like...um...well... Oh look, Ken! Our taxi has arrived

KEN
(waxing his surfboard)
Just a sec - I gotta shine my board. Never know when I'm gonna need it...gotta be surfing-ready

JADE
You bought...him, along?

BARBIE
You know he's my one and only! Like...we're together forever!

GI JOE
Hey! What about me?

BARBIE
GI Joe here guards by body. It's insured for five million dollars, y'know

GI JOE
That's not all I do for her, right babe?

(unknown to BARBIE, reporters are standing behind the group, taking notes. They all get on their cell phones upon hearing GI JOE's statement)

REPORTER
I just got a big scoop right here at the Olympics games. Not new medals. GI Joe and Barbie are testing mattresses again.

Hanging in there - playing around

At long last, "Old Soldiers" has left the building in a manner of speaking. After choosing an ending to this play that has been in the creative process for more than a year, I finally bid it a fond adieu, wished it well and submitted it to the BBC International Playwriting Competition.

As people reading this blog are aware, the play had its beginning as a short story that evolved into play based on the strength of its main character, Joe McKenna. There was something about Joe that begged to be explored further as described in a blurb taken from the synopsis:

"As an ex army man and soldier, 85-year old Joe McKenna is a man of habit. He is a widower whose only companionship is his 12-year old dog, Daisy. The aging process has taken its toll physically and emotionally, turning him into an embittered man full of resentment towards society and what he perceives to be life's injustices. He is a lonely soul with too much time to think about the past and knowing that the future will leave him dependent on the kindness of others."

As a play, Joe was joined by three ex-army buddies along with some other interesting characters that helped propel the story along. Having never written for radio, the big challenge was to incorporate sound effects. In any case, Joe's fate - and mine - are in the hands of the judges since the competition closed on January 31st.

Meanwhile, another play, "Retribution" is taking an interesting turn. Submitted it to the Sundog Theatre, "... a performing arts organization in Staten Island that provides entertainment for adults and children in the form of contemporary and original theatre." It was selected to be part of a play reading series - all being well - to take place in summer. The drama focuses on Sue Ellen Parker, a hairdresser, who exacts revenge for a horrific past crime committed against her in the past. Must have re-written this play at least a dozen times until it felt "right."

At present, I'm at the finishing stage of completing "Neighbors" a comedy, two-act play that had its beginning as a 10 minute play. The story line focuses on two neighbors and their long-standing feud over what one believes to be the erroneous placement of shrubs, which divide both their properties. Very enjoyable to write and with definite production potential. Will put it to sleep for a while and then re-read it and start the re-writing process. Amazing what time can do for one's perspective. I've completed plays that I thought couldn't be improved only to realize that the content was garbage, which in turn caused a complete re-write of the play(s).

As usual, will keep readers of this blog and/or others who drop by from time-to-time updated.

"NEIGHBORS" - the play.

As is the case with many writers of all genres, there is a tendency to start projects that atrophy in cyber space over the years. Okay - clarification: this the case with this writer. I started out writing "Neighbors" as a short, cute-y play-ette a while back and decided that there was potential for a longer two-act version. The premise is, two fueding neighbors living next door to each other, is a common story line but somehow, the characters in this play seem to beg for further exploration. Who am I to refuse?

Here is a small taste of the play. As always, comments welcome. Please ignore the formatting.

NEIGHBORS

By Eleanor Tylbor

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

TAYLOR, JEFFREY, 45,

PORTMAN, ROBBIE, 47,

JENKINS, 50, next door neighbor on other side

PATTY, 40-ish, bartender

MARTINI, 60, land surveyor and friend of PORTMAN

THE TIME

The present, mid-summer

SETTING: Back garden(s) of two neighbors. A picket fence separates their properties

AT RISE:  Morning. Hot summer's day.

SOUND FX: Lawnmowers

ROBBIE (ROB) PORTMAN lazes in a hammock reading a book while holding a glass of liquid in the other hand. Dressed in cut-off jeans and a grungy tee shirt, his hair is long and unkempt and he sports a heavy beard

Dressed in a short-sleeved dress shirt and pants, JEFFRY TAYLOR, his next door neighbor, is the antithesis of PORTMAN and a perfectionist. TAYLOR tends to his garden stopping periodically to study PORTMAN and finally makes his way over to the fence.

TAYLOR

(wiping forehead)

Must be a hundred degrees in the shade today. I’d be indoors right now if my tomatoes didn’t need pampering. That’s the real secret of growing big veggies, y’know. Give ‘em extra ‘TLC’… Hello? Hope I'm not disturbing you or anything

PORTMAN

           Takes gulp of liquid from glass

Must be them darn chipmunks makin’ a racket again' Gettin’ so’s a person can't read in peace anymore

TAYLOR

How long have you been laying there?

PORTMAN

What time did the sun rise, today?

TAYLOR

Another one of your liquid breakfasts, I suppose?

PORTMAN

For your information it’s orange juice

TAYLOR

And? You expect me to believe that? Oranges aren’t the only thing in your juice to give you – in your vernacular – a buzz

PORTMAN

Go suck a lemon. Wait – you don’t need to. You’re sour enough

TAYLOR

Touchy, aren’t we?

PORTMAN

Sour is as sour does

TAYLOR

You know what I’m getting at…

PORTMAN

Okay – say it. You’re just dying to. Then go away

TAYLOR

It’s not like I haven’t expressed my feelings a thousand times before

PORTMAN

How does what I do affect your life?

TAYLOR

Cheez Portman, it's only gone ten in the morning! You’re well on your way to turning into an alcoholic. Did I say turning into? You are!

PORTMAN

Been there - heard it all before so don’t waste your breath. Go tend to your carrots or something. They need the Taylor touch

TAYLOR

Don’t ask me why but I care ‘bout you. Maybe something to do with the fact we've been neighbors going on twenty years and I don't wanna see you end up with cirrhosis of the liver - or worse

PORTMAN

Since when do you give a crap about whether I live or die?

TAYLOR

Better a neighbor you know than one you don’t. Don’t feel like breaking in a new neighbor at this stage of my life

PORTMAN

Don’chu worry ‘bout me moving away. I intend to be here for a long, long time. It's too much fun bugging the shit out’ta you

TAYLOR

Do you see the incongruity in your chosen profession?

PORTMAN

Maybe I would if I could understand the question. Give me advance warning when you’re gonna give me another of your dumb lectures and I’ll make sure to have a dictionary handy

TAYLOR

Owning a bar must be the best thing that ever happened to you with your thirst

PORTMAN

It’s a living and I like the people who drop by. You know – regular people. Something you wouldn’t know anything about

TAYLOR

Denial – a sign of an alcoholic. Can’t you see the writing on the wall?

PORTMAN

You talking 'bout that "keep of the grass” sign you got posted all over your property? It's the joke of the neighborhood, y'know

           Drains glass and checks watch

Gotta leave. Patty's opening for me today

TAYLOR

Another one of those Hooter waitresses?

PORTMAN

As if someone the likes of you would notice. You’re more into cucumbers, if you get my drift and for your information – not that I owe you anything - Patty is the right hand to my left

TAYLOR

I bet she is just that and more

PORTMAN

What d'you know about sex?

TAYLOR

Spare me your drunken rants

PORTMAN

Take a look at yourself and your life. Work your butt off for a multi-national all those years and what's it got you? A dinky house and a veggie garden. How do you stand the excitement of it all?

TAYLOR

Save me from the melancholy drunk offering his view of life in a brief second of clarity. In all the years we've lived next door to each other, the only position I've seen you is lying on your back, with your lips glued to the rim of a beer bottle. How long has it been, anyway, since you held down any type of job if ever?

PORTMAN

What's it your business?

TAYLOR

I figure you must be in your mid-forties or thereabouts?

PORTMAN

Never found a position to suit my qualifications

TAYLOR

Must be near impossible to find a company that's looking for a hammock tester. How you've managed to survive on next to nothing is nothing short of a miracle, but then I would imagine your needs are few and far between. A bottle opener, a case of beer and you're all set

PORTMAN

Don't need big money to impress people like you do. I'm a simple guy with simple tastes

TAYLOR

And a raging one for booze. How many bottles d'ya drink of that poison a day? A dozen? More?

PORTMAN

Who counts?

TAYLOR

You sure as hell don't. Just bugs me to see you frittering your life away, doing nothing productive

PORTMAN

So don't look man! Turn your head the other way and mind your own business for a change and not mine! Your tomatoes are calling you

TAYLOR

All I can say is that I wouldn't waste mine lying on my back

PORTMAN

Did somebody ask you to? It beats having to listen to you foam at the mouth about the evils of drink

TAYLOR

A person has'ta leave his mark on this world! He's gotta be able to tell his children and grandchildren: I-was-here!

My niece and nephew will know all about me, alright, ‘cause I’m leaving them something to remember me by.  When I pass on, this here house'l go to them, along with those be-u-tee-ful shrubs. Course I'll make sure to have that all included in my will

TAYLOR

By the time they inherit your house if you still own it, those shrubs'l be long gone, I can promise you that

PORTMAN

Might even build a de-lux-y tree house for them this summer so's their grandkids can learn all about nature, up close and personal-like

TAYLOR

Wouldn't count on that, if I was you…

PORTMAN

…maybe hang some tire swings from the branches…

TAYLOR

Over my dead body!

PORTMAN

I can arrange that. Anyway, you don't have any say what I do with them shrubs, anyway

TAYLOR

Maybe not right now but don't count on their presence much longer. We been neighbors for how long, now?

PORTMAN

Too long for my liking

TAYLOR

Must be fifteen years at least – maybe twenty?

PORTMAN

Praise be! You're thinking of moving at last. I know some guys who'll move you real cheap. 'Course you may never see your furniture again…

TAYLOR

How come the topic of conversation between us always ends up about your so-called shrubs growing on my property? Ten 

Reviewing the past to look to the future

It's nearing the end of the year and I'm feeling introspective. Usually, this is also the time when that "so what did you accomplish this year, Eleanor?" question starts slowly creeping into my psyche, goals yet to reach.

- theatres who were the lucky recipients of my plays still haven't discovered that my plays would be the perfect vehicle to attract new theatre patrons
Really, and at least in my humble opinion, my usage of words and story lines are good and I should know, seeing that most likely those plays were hibernating on/in my word file for years before they saw the light of day. It's merely a matter of time before somebody discovers that they are a perfect fit for their needs

- in spite of good intentions, still haven't submitted my one and only screenplay, "Skate!" written years ago. 
This children's script is languishing in never-never-land because most likely it requires yet another re-write. The story is based on a childhood experience and thinking back, I wrote it with the help of Syd Field's how-to-write-a-screenplay step-by-step. As a member of a writing forum at the time, I threw caution to the wind and shared a scene or two with other screenwriters for feedback. Reaction was mixed with advice that included not bad for a first shot, amateur effort, interesting story line and go back to the beginning, try again with a re-write, which I did. While going through a box of papers containing writing-related material produced over the years, I came across a manilla envelope, flap enclosed, with the word, "Skate" written across the front. Staring at it for a few minutes, I debated as to whether I should open the envelope flap and go through it .This most likely would result in angst-ing over what is written and what should have/could have been written. Amazing what perspective will do for a story.

- two of my still-in-progress start-up plays are making more-or-less steady if slow progress. 
Why is it that some plays almost write themselves and in others, there are barriers that suddenly arise? Some characters endear themselves to me and make the task easier while others are difficult to get to know.
If you want to see where you've come from and where you are now, browse through old writing projects, especially plays. In addition to hard copies, my Word file is filled with various versions and updates of plays. The problem is that many of them are identified merely by numbers, for example: "blah-blah, #1" or "blah-blah #2" and so on. It's those old insecurities that creep up causing me to question as to whether version one and subsequent re-written versions should be deleted in case they are superior to the latest updated version. I mean, version six could contain gems that could be used in version seven and so on. A while back and upon the realization that I submitted the incorrect version of a play to a theatre, I sent a follow up email apologizing for the mistake and re-sent the right version. Some things can't be undone and sending the wrong version is one of them. That has to be the only reason for the rejection.

What is progress, anyway, and how do you measure or quantify it? Finishing a play, for me, makes the effort a worthwhile endeavor. The big challenge being the production hasn't happened - as yet - note the words 'as yet' - but as I always tell myself, hope springs eternal. Is there anything else?

Yours forever in playwriting,

Eleanor

Playwrightville - the place where playwrights think about their plays

"A playwright lives in an occupied country. And if you can't live that way, you don't stay. (Arthur Miller)

SCENE: PLAYWRIGHT ELEANOR is sitting at the computer, reading over her plays and contemplating making changes and revisions to one or two...or more.

AT RISE: Various characters from Eleanor's plays, start to feel threatened and express their feelings

If I write a new play, my point of view may be profoundly modified. I may be obliged to contradict myself and I may no longer know whether I still think what I think.

EUGENE IONESCO, Notes and Counter Notes

Read more at http://www.notable-quotes.com/p/playwriting_quotes.html#edPKy2F7EeZ0kBOA.99

A playwright lives in an occupied country. And if you can't live that way you don't stay.
Arthur Miller
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/playwright.html#mU4ESro3qRYCetxl.99

PLAYWRIGHT
There definitely has to be some changes to dialogue...

(upon hearing this, one of the characters from "THE LEMON" feels a growing sense of panic)

PENNY FLOWERS
Oh no you don't! Finally, after years of waiting, you provided an ending to my car problem.

PLAYWRIGHT
True but somehow, the ending doesn't seem to be strong enough. Refresh my memory, again?

PENNY FLOWERS
My car, a.k.a. "The Lemon", a car  used by many people over many years, was stuck in an intersection without any means in which to move it. Remember?

PLAYWRIGHT
Yup - recall it well. True you had to wait but I finally did give you a decent ending

PENNY FLOWERS
There! So you acknowledge that it's finished!

PLAYWRIGHT
Finished as in, for now, but not necessarily forever. We live for change, my dear

PENNY
Don't have much choice, do I, but if you really feel it will enhance my personality...but please don't demean my character. You sometimes have a habit of doing that

PLAYWRIGHT
I'll keep that in mind

(MAURICE, a minor character from the play, "A WEDDING" chimes in his two-cents-worth)

MAURICE
Excuse me... Hello? Playwright - as you will recall or maybe not - you couldn't make up your mind what type of background I should have. In the end, you didn't endow me with any special qualities other than my social breeding mixing with the upper class rich

PLAYWRIGHT
With all due respect, Maurice, you are a minor character in a major play

MAURICE
Minor in your eyes but not in the eyes of the two families organizing the wedding. They couldn't do without my help in choosing the right invitation. I do have impeccable taste

PLAYWRIGHT
True - in the end you did provide some comic relief

MAURICE
I resent that! I play a very important role. Perhaps a few more lines would be nice?

(Word gets out to JOE MCKENNA, the main character in the play, "OLD SOLDIERS" that Eleanor is thinking change...again)

JOE MCKENNA
What's this I hear that you wanna do some re-writes? No way, Jose!

PLAYWRIGHT
But Joe - it took me three years and numerous re-writes to get you where you are today. Sometimes...many times it takes a lot of re-writes to get it right. Didn't I finally submit the play to the BBC International Playwriting Competition? Perhaps you all will get the chance to tell your story

JOE MCKENNA
The guys want me to tell you that if you change one more word, they're walking! They really mean it!

PLAYWRIGHT
This isn't anything new to me since I've had them walking in many directions over time

JOE MCKENNA
I'm outta here. The guys are meeting back at the bar. Just remember you were warned! Not one word changed or else!

BECKY MALONE
The soldiers are complaining? We started out at a senior's center and moved around so many times, I'm still dizzy.

PLAYWRIGHT
Of all the plays, you people are my favorite characters

JOE MCKENNA
Hey! I thought I was

PLAYWRIGHT
Actually...when it's all said and done, you all are my favorites

(SARAH, a lively and somewhat ditzy character from "Gin..." steps forward to make herself heard and is joined by BECKY, another of the card-playing ladies)

SARAH
So...like...why do you wanna change us? You're not going to write out my goldfish, are you? Goldie would be very hurt even though she didn't have any lines

BECKY MALONE
Sarah...Sarah...Sarah...you and your goldfish friend have exactly the same thought process

SARAH
Thank you. Goldie would be pleased to hear that

PLAYWRIGHT
Just so you know, people, it's not easy to get the right words that will move the story along AND make sense at the same time. Then I have to worry about rejection when I finally decide to submit a play, not to mention the never ending question of the reason behind the rejection. Was it the story itself? Or maybe the ending or perhaps too many or too few characters? It's always those nagging whys. Okay people! This playwright gets your point! No more changes!

PENNY
Can we have that in writing?

PLAYWRIGHT
(keying in words)
'I, playwright, do declare that I won't make any changes to my plays, today'

BECKY
Wait a minute! Just today? What about tomorrow and next month?

PLAYWRIGHT
Beggars can't be choosers. A playwright's gotta do what a playwright has'ta do beside change is the key to a better future for you all

ALL THE CHARACTERS TOGETHER
Been there, heard that

SANTA SLIMS DOWN: A STORY OF REBELLION AND COMPROMISE

By Eleanor Tylbor

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

 - SANTA CLAUS – the jolly, old elf himself

- MRS. CLAUS – Santa's faithful wife
- RUDOLPH AND THE REINDEER GANG

 

SCENE: SANTA'S WORKSHOP, TWO WEEKS BEFORE "THE" TRIP. SANTA IS CHECKING OVER HIS TOYS. A KNOCK ON THE DOOR  REVEALS REINDEER RUDOLPH, ACCOMPANIED BY DONNER AND BLITZEN BARGE WHO BARGE IN

 AT RISE: A MUCH MORE PLUMP THAN USUAL SANTA IS SITTING AT A TABLE, SNACKING ON COOKIES

 

SANTA
This is an expected surprise, boys. To what do I owe this visit?

 RUDOLPH

(moving antlers from side-to-side defiantly)
We're here to give you a message, Santa

 RUDOLPH

It’s about food

 SANTA

(eating one cookie after the other)
You want one of these cookies? Why didn’t you say so? Plenty enough to go ‘round

 RUDOLPH

Santa, there's something we really gotta tell you…

DONNER

- it's real important-like…

 BLITZEN

- major important

 RUDOLPH

(Turns around to talk to DONNER and BLITZEN)

 Is there an echo, here? Did you not make me, Rudolph, the spokes-deer? Maybe one of youse wants’ta take over?

 DONNER

You do a great job, Rudy. Super

 BLITZEN

You our main reindeer man!

 RUDOLPH

I mean, if one of youse guys can say it better…

 DONNER

No-no! You’re the best

 RUDOLPH

So lemme do the job! Shaking sleigh bells – everyone wants'ta be a star! Now where was I? Y’see Santa, we're worried!

 DONNER AND BLITZEN

Real worried! Uh-huh…

RUDOLPH
(whirling around)
Hello? D'ya mind?

                         SANTA, distracted, nibbles on a cookie while watching a train run around the

                         track

SANTA
Oh my-oh-my! I do love watching the train speed around the track. Um - what’s that? Worried? About what, boys? Now just look at this train go! The elves finished it this very morning

 RUDOLPH

How can I say this nicely…

 DONNER AND BLITZEN

Just tell him! You gotta!

RUDOLPH
(whirling around)
One more word from either of youse…

 DONNER/BLITZEN

Sor-ree! We're just trying to help…

 RUDOLPH

Well don't! You elected me head of the North Pole Reindeer Union so lemme do the job!

SANTA
What’s this all about, boys? Could someone tell me?

 RUDOLPH

I'm tryin' Santa, I'm really tryin’ if only these two big mouths would let me

BLITZEN

We promise we won't say another word, See? We’re zipping our mouths closed

 DONNER

Maybe one word - two at the most. Sorry…

RUDOLPH

It's about your - um - well… Your shape

 SANTA

(laughing)
My shape? I’m Santa! This is the way I've always looked

 RUDOLPH

It's…  well - very round

 SANTA

(laughing)
This is not news, Rudolph. Now if you'll excuse me…I’m very busy here…

 RUDOLPH

Much more than usual, Santa. Much… much… more

 SANTA

I’ve always looked like this. You know that! Everyone expects me to look like this

 RUDOLPH

It hurts me to hav'ta tell you this but as the official spokes-deer and according to the rules in the signed hoof agreement, paragraph three, section 9, I’m here to say that unless you lose weight, we ain't leaving the Pole

 DONNER

He's right. We can't pull a sleigh filled with toys AND you too

 SANTA

But-but…I look the same as I’ve always looked. What’s different?

                        Santa rushes over to a mirror and examines himself

 Maybe I did put on a few extra pounds here and there…and there… But you can't expect me to lose weight in such a short time. Christmas Eve is a week away

 RUDOLPH

D’ya know how hard it is to fly through the air, dragin' a full sleigh of toys and and a Santa who likes his cookies too much?

 OTHER REINDEER (PEERING IN AT WINDOW)

Hard..hard..Very hard

 DONNER

It’s a big pain in the back for sure!

 RUDOLPH

Did I ask for more opinions. Did I?

                         The reindeer dart away from the window

 Like I was sayin’… You gotta do something 'bout it, boss, or we're stayin' Pole-side this Christmas!

 SANTA

You - you can't do that! What will happen to all the children waiting for their gifts on Christmas Eve?

 RUDOLPH

Lissen boss, we gotta ‘tink of our health, too. Do I gotta remind you ‘bout last year and all the trouble gettin' the sleigh off the ground?  We seen you hittin' the hot chocolate and cookies in the middle of the night when Mother Claus was asleep! One week Santa. You got one week. You can do it

           Santa stands in shock as the three reindeer file out shaking their heads

 SANTA

(calling out)
Mother Claus! We have a major problem!

           MRS. CLAUS comes running in to the room

From now on they'll be no more hot chocolate or cookies for me!

 MRS. CLAUS

Did you say something about cookies, dear? I have a new batch ready for eating

 SANTA

The reindeer just told me I'm too heavy for them to pull. Imagine! Me, Santa, too heavy for my sleigh!

 MRS. CLAUS

But dear, Santa Claus is supposed to be…you know - large-ish

 SANTA

I just had a visit from three and they told me none of them will fly unless I get lighter

 MRS. CLAUS

But…it's only two weeks to Christmas Eve. Do you think it’s possible?

 SANTA

I have to! The children are depending on my visit

MRS. CLAUS

No more cookies, then. I'll just throw out the ones I just made…

 SANTA

Maybe we're too hasty - a few cookies can't hurt

 MRS. CLAUS

Now Santa – you have a responsibility to all the children around the world. Do you want to let them down?

SANTA

I'm just going outside to check on things

 MRS. CLAUS

What are you hiding behind your back, Santa? Come on – hand them over

                         SANTA hands over a handful of cookies

 Every time you get the urge for a cookie, think about the children!

SANTA

You're right, Mother. Do we still have that exer-cycle the reindeer gave me as a gift, last year?

 MRS. CLAUS

Of course! It's in the reindeer barn. The elves have been using it

 SANTA

Get the elves to bring it here right away. There's no time like the present to start and only a week to go…I hope I can do it…I have to do it!

 

                                                                 SCENE TWO

 SCENE:         SANTA IS EXERCISWING ON HIS EXER-CYCLE IN RED LONG-JOHNS 

 

SANTA

Whew! This isn't easy. Mother - bring me the scale!

 

                         MRS. CLAUS brings over a scale

 MRS. CLAUS

Oh dear. I do hope you've lost some weight!

                         SANTA gets on the scale attempting to see the weight but

                         can't see over his belly

 SANTA

So? What does it say?

 MRS. CLAUS

You've lost one pound, dear. Have you been doing some secret snacking?

SANTA

No… Really… Maybe one or two once in a while

                         RUDOLPH, DONNER AND BLITZEN ENTER

 RUDOLPH

We heard. Only one pound, Santa? One gift weighs more than that. Guess the boys and girls won't be receiving their gifts this year, right guys?

 DONNER AND BLITZEN

Still not enough.. Still not enough..

                         The reindeer exit, shaking their heads

 SANTA

What am I to do now? Just four more days… Maybe if I eat a cookie, I'll feel better..

 MRS. CLAUS

This is how you got to be this way in the first place! Now back on the exer-cycle, dear!

 

                                                            SCENE THREE

 SCENE:  THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS. A VISIBLY MORE SHAPELY SANTA CALLS IN THE REINDEER

 SANTA

So boys? Whad’ya think? Will it do?

 RUDOLPH

You do look less round. Whad'ya think boys?

BLITZEN

He looks leaner…I'll fly

 SANTA

I lost six whole pounds!

DONNER

I'm ready to go. There's something we forgot to tell you. There are a few things we'd like to have in the future – you know - to prepare us for the long trip?

 SANTA

Like what, boys?

 DONNER

We'd like a fancy meal before we leave. Grass and forest greens don't do it for us

 SANTA

I’m in favor of good healthy food and I myself lost my extra pounds eating lots of greens. What did you have in mind?

 BLITZEN

We’d like…all-dressed pizza!

 SANTA

Now Blitzen, you know that's definitely not the right type of food reindeers need to maintain a healthy weight. I know that there have been a lot of late-night pizza deliveries at the Pole lately but no more. I need you guys all nice and slim, too, for future trips. We can make some fun spinach smoothies and okra floats - healthy treats. Greens… Lots of Vitamin C…roughage…and from now on, they'll be a daily exercise program at the North Pole and I expect every reindeer to take part. I have you all to thank for my change

 DONNER

(aside to Rudolph, whistfully)
No… more… pizza deliveries?

 BLITZEN

(upset tone of voice)

Gee thanks Rudolph!

 DONNER

Yeah – thanks Rudy!

SANTA

I know you boys will like the changes. They’ll be mo more junk food in the workshop! You helped me lose some extra pounds and I'm thankful for your help. A healthy Santa is important if I'm going to do the job properly. Now, let's go deliver some gifts to good girls and boys! C'mon boys – it's time!

                         SANTA exits, accompanied by the reindeer

ASIDE TO MOTHER CLAUS: ‘We're leaving mother! Better have some cookies…I mean of course, veggies and fruit when we come back!’

 BLITZEN

Did anyone tell you that you have a big mouth, Rudolph?

 DONNER

…a big one…very big…

                         The reindeer exit

SANTA'S VOICE – OFFSTAGE

‘Now Dancer, now Prancer, Comet.and .Blitzen –up, up in the air we go!’ Rudolph? Is that you I hear complaining? You’ll get used to it! A healthy deer is a happy deer!'

 RUDOLPH

Yeah…happy… I’m so happy…

 MRS. CLAUS

Thank goodness everything turned out in the end.

                         A much slimmer Mrs. Claus stares at herself in a long mirror

 Didn't do me any harm, either. Merry Christmas, Santa! Merry Christmas reindeer!

©2003, Eleanor Tylbor