Here is a small taste of the play. As always, comments welcome. Please ignore the formatting.
NEIGHBORS
By Eleanor Tylbor
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
TAYLOR, JEFFREY, 45,
PORTMAN, ROBBIE, 47,
JENKINS, 50, next door neighbor on
other side
PATTY, 40-ish, bartender
MARTINI, 60, land surveyor and friend
of PORTMAN
THE TIME
The
present, mid-summer
SETTING: Back garden(s) of two neighbors. A picket fence separates
their properties
AT RISE: Morning. Hot summer's day.
SOUND FX: Lawnmowers
ROBBIE
(ROB) PORTMAN lazes in a hammock reading a book while holding a glass of liquid
in the other hand. Dressed in cut-off jeans and a grungy tee shirt, his hair is
long and unkempt and he sports a heavy beard
Dressed
in a short-sleeved dress shirt and pants, JEFFRY TAYLOR, his next door
neighbor, is the antithesis of PORTMAN and a perfectionist. TAYLOR tends to his
garden stopping periodically to study PORTMAN and finally makes his way over to
the fence.
TAYLOR
(wiping forehead)
Must be a hundred degrees in the shade today. I’d
be indoors right now if my tomatoes didn’t need pampering. That’s the real secret
of growing big veggies, y’know. Give ‘em extra ‘TLC’… Hello? Hope I'm not
disturbing you or anything
PORTMAN
Takes gulp of liquid from glass
Must be them darn chipmunks makin’ a racket again' Gettin’
so’s a person can't read in peace anymore
TAYLOR
How
long have you been laying there?
PORTMAN
What time did the sun rise, today?
TAYLOR
Another
one of your liquid breakfasts, I suppose?
PORTMAN
For
your information it’s orange juice
TAYLOR
And? You
expect me to believe that? Oranges
PORTMAN
Go suck a lemon. Wait – you don’t need to. You’re
sour enough
TAYLOR
Touchy, aren’t we?
PORTMAN
Sour is as sour does
TAYLOR
You
know what I’m getting at…
PORTMAN
Okay – say it. You’re just dying to. Then go away
TAYLOR
It’s not like I haven’t expressed my feelings a
thousand times before
PORTMAN
How does what I do affect your life?
Cheez Portman, it's only gone ten in the morning! You’re
well on your way to turning into an alcoholic. Did I say turning into? You are!
PORTMAN
Been there - heard it all before so don’t waste
your breath. Go tend to your carrots or something. They need the Taylor
Don’t ask me why but I care ‘bout you. Maybe
something to do with the fact we've been neighbors going on twenty years and I
don't wanna see you end up with cirrhosis of the liver - or worse
PORTMAN
Since when do you give a crap about whether I live
or die?
Better a neighbor you
know than one you don’t. Don’t feel like breaking in a new neighbor at this
stage of my life
PORTMAN
Don’chu worry ‘bout me
moving away. I intend to be here for a long, long time. It's
too much fun bugging the shit out’ta you
Do you see the incongruity in your chosen
profession?
PORTMAN
Maybe I would if I could understand the question.
Give me advance warning when you’re gonna give me another of your dumb lectures
and I’ll make sure to have a dictionary handy
Owning a bar must be the best thing that ever
happened to you with your thirst
PORTMAN
It’s a living and I like the people who drop by.
You know – regular people. Something you wouldn’t know anything about
Denial – a sign of an alcoholic. Can’t you see the
writing on the wall?
PORTMAN
You
talking 'bout that "keep of the grass” sign you got posted all over your property?
It's the joke of the neighborhood, y'know
Drains
glass and checks watch
Gotta leave. Patty's opening for me today
Another one of those Hooter waitresses?
PORTMAN
As if someone the likes of you would notice. You’re
more into cucumbers, if you get my drift and for your information – not that I
owe you anything - Patty is the right hand to my left
I bet she is just that and more
PORTMAN
What d'you know about sex?
Spare me your drunken rants
PORTMAN
Take a look at yourself and your life. Work your
butt off for a multi-national all those years and what's it got you? A dinky
house and a veggie garden. How do you stand the excitement of it all?
Save me from the melancholy drunk offering his view
of life in a brief second of clarity. In all the years we've lived next door to
each other, the only position I've seen you
is lying on your back, with your lips glued to the rim of a beer bottle. How
long has it been, anyway, since you held down any type of job if ever?
PORTMAN
What's it your business?
I figure you must be in your mid-forties or
thereabouts?
PORTMAN
Never found a position to suit my qualifications
Must be near impossible to find a company that's
looking for a hammock tester. How you've managed to survive on next to nothing is
nothing short of a miracle, but then I would imagine your needs are few and far
between. A bottle opener, a case of beer and you're all set
PORTMAN
Don't need big money to impress people like you do.
I'm a simple guy with simple tastes
And a raging one for booze. How many bottles d'ya
drink of that poison a day? A dozen? More?
PORTMAN
Who counts?
You sure
as hell don't. Just bugs me to see you frittering your life away, doing nothing
productive
PORTMAN
So don't look man! Turn your head the other way and
mind your own business for a change and not mine! Your tomatoes are calling you
All I can say is that I wouldn't waste mine lying on my back
PORTMAN
Did somebody ask you to? It beats having to listen
to you foam at the mouth about the evils of drink
A person has'ta leave his mark on this world! He's
gotta be able to tell his children and grandchildren: I-was-here!
My niece and nephew will know all about me, alright, ‘cause I’m leaving them
something to remember me by. When I pass
on, this here house'l go to them, along with those be-u-tee-ful shrubs. Course
I'll make sure to have that all included in my will
By the time they inherit your house if you still
own it, those shrubs'l be long gone, I can promise you that
PORTMAN
Might even build a de-lux-y tree house for them
this summer so's their grandkids can learn all about nature, up close and
personal-like
Wouldn't count on that, if I was you…
PORTMAN
…maybe hang some tire swings from the branches…
Over my dead body!
PORTMAN
I can arrange that. Anyway, you don't have any say
what I do with them shrubs, anyway
Maybe not right now but don't count on their
presence much longer. We been neighbors for how long, now?
PORTMAN
Too long for my liking
Must be fifteen years at least – maybe twenty?
PORTMAN
Praise be! You're thinking of moving at last. I
know some guys who'll move you real cheap. 'Course you may never see your
furniture again…
How come the topic of
conversation between us always ends up
about your so-called shrubs growing
on my property? Ten
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