By Eleanor Tylbor
CAST OF
CHARACTERS:
- SANTA
CLAUS – the jolly, old elf himself
- MRS.
CLAUS – Santa's faithful wife
- RUDOLPH
AND THE REINDEER GANG
SCENE:
SANTA'S WORKSHOP, TWO WEEKS BEFORE "THE" TRIP. SANTA IS CHECKING OVER
HIS TOYS. A KNOCK ON THE DOOR REVEALS
REINDEER RUDOLPH, ACCOMPANIED BY DONNER AND BLITZEN BARGE WHO BARGE IN
AT RISE:
A MUCH MORE PLUMP THAN USUAL SANTA IS SITTING AT A TABLE, SNACKING ON COOKIES
SANTA
This is an expected surprise,
boys. To what do I owe this visit?
RUDOLPH
(moving antlers from side-to-side defiantly)
We're here to give you a message,
Santa
RUDOLPH
It’s about food
SANTA
(eating one cookie after
the other)
You want one of these cookies?
Why didn’t you say so? Plenty enough to go ‘round
RUDOLPH
Santa, there's something we really
gotta tell you…
DONNER
- it's real important-like…
BLITZEN
- major important
RUDOLPH
(Turns around to talk to DONNER and BLITZEN)
Is there an echo, here? Did you
not make me, Rudolph, the spokes-deer? Maybe one of
youse wants’ta take over?
DONNER
You do a great job, Rudy. Super
BLITZEN
You our main reindeer man!
RUDOLPH
I mean, if one of youse
guys can say it better…
DONNER
No-no! You’re the best
RUDOLPH
So lemme do the job! Shaking
sleigh bells – everyone wants'ta be a star! Now where was I? Y’see Santa, we're
worried!
DONNER AND BLITZEN
Real worried! Uh-huh…
RUDOLPH
(whirling around)
Hello? D'ya mind?
SANTA, distracted,
nibbles on a cookie while watching a train run around the
track
SANTA
Oh my-oh-my! I do love watching
the train speed around the track. Um - what’s that? Worried? About what, boys?
Now just look at this train go! The elves finished it this very morning
RUDOLPH
How can I say this nicely…
DONNER AND BLITZEN
Just tell him! You gotta!
RUDOLPH
(whirling around)
One more word from either of
youse…
DONNER/BLITZEN
Sor-ree! We're just trying to help…
RUDOLPH
Well don't! You elected me head
of the North Pole Reindeer Union so lemme do the job!
SANTA
What’s this all about, boys?
Could someone tell me?
RUDOLPH
I'm tryin' Santa, I'm really tryin’ if only
these two big mouths would let me
BLITZEN
We promise we won't say another
word, See? We’re zipping our mouths closed
DONNER
Maybe one word - two at the most.
Sorry…
RUDOLPH
It's about your - um - well… Your
shape
SANTA
(laughing)
My shape? I’m Santa! This is the
way I've always looked
RUDOLPH
It's… well - very
round
SANTA
(laughing)
This is not news, Rudolph. Now if
you'll excuse me…I’m very busy here…
RUDOLPH
Much more than usual, Santa. Much…
much… more
SANTA
I’ve always looked like this. You
know that! Everyone expects me to look like this
RUDOLPH
It hurts me to hav'ta tell you
this but as the official spokes-deer and according to the rules in the signed
hoof agreement, paragraph three, section 9, I’m here to say that unless you
lose weight, we ain't leaving the Pole
DONNER
He's right. We can't pull a
sleigh filled with toys AND you too
SANTA
But-but…I look the same as I’ve
always looked. What’s different?
Santa rushes over to a
mirror and examines himself
Maybe I did put on a few extra
pounds here and there…and there… But you can't expect me to lose weight in such
a short time. Christmas Eve is a week away
RUDOLPH
D’ya know how hard it is to fly
through the air, dragin' a full sleigh of toys and and a Santa who likes his
cookies too much?
OTHER REINDEER (PEERING IN AT WINDOW)
Hard..hard..Very hard
DONNER
It’s a big pain in the back for
sure!
RUDOLPH
Did I ask for more opinions. Did
I?
The reindeer dart away
from the window
Like I was sayin’… You gotta do
something 'bout it, boss, or we're stayin' Pole-side this Christmas!
SANTA
You - you can't do that! What
will happen to all the children waiting for their gifts on Christmas Eve?
RUDOLPH
Lissen boss, we gotta ‘tink of
our health, too. Do I gotta remind you ‘bout last year and all the trouble
gettin' the sleigh off the ground? We
seen you hittin' the hot chocolate and cookies in the middle of the night when
Mother Claus was asleep! One week Santa. You got one week. You can do it
Santa
stands in shock as the three reindeer file out shaking their heads
SANTA
(calling out)
Mother Claus! We have a major
problem!
MRS.
CLAUS comes running in to the room
From now on they'll be no more
hot chocolate or cookies for me!
MRS. CLAUS
Did you say something about
cookies, dear? I have a new batch ready for eating
SANTA
The reindeer just told me I'm too
heavy for them to pull. Imagine! Me, Santa, too heavy for my sleigh!
MRS. CLAUS
But dear, Santa Claus is supposed
to be…you know - large-ish
SANTA
I just had a visit from three and
they told me none of them will fly unless I get lighter
MRS. CLAUS
But…it's only two weeks to
Christmas Eve. Do you think it’s possible?
SANTA
I have to! The children are
depending on my visit
MRS. CLAUS
No more cookies, then. I'll just throw
out the ones I just made…
SANTA
Maybe we're too hasty
- a few cookies can't hurt
MRS. CLAUS
Now Santa – you have a
responsibility to all the children around the world. Do you want to let them
down?
SANTA
I'm just going outside to check
on things
MRS. CLAUS
What are you hiding behind your
back, Santa? Come on – hand them over
SANTA
hands over a handful of cookies
Every time you get the urge for a
cookie, think about the children!
SANTA
You're right, Mother. Do we still
have that exer-cycle the reindeer gave me as a gift, last year?
MRS. CLAUS
Of course! It's in the reindeer
barn. The elves have been using it
SANTA
Get the elves to bring it here
right away. There's no time like the present to start and only a week to go…I
hope I can do it…I have to do it!
SCENE TWO
SCENE: SANTA IS EXERCISWING ON HIS EXER-CYCLE IN RED LONG-JOHNS
SANTA
Whew! This isn't easy. Mother -
bring me the scale!
MRS.
CLAUS brings over a scale
MRS. CLAUS
Oh dear. I do hope you've lost
some weight!
SANTA gets on the
scale attempting to see the weight but
can't see over his belly
SANTA
So? What does it say?
MRS. CLAUS
You've lost one pound, dear. Have
you been doing some secret snacking?
SANTA
No… Really… Maybe one or two once
in a while
RUDOLPH,
DONNER AND BLITZEN ENTER
RUDOLPH
We heard. Only one pound, Santa?
One gift weighs more than that. Guess the boys and girls won't be receiving
their gifts this year, right guys?
DONNER AND BLITZEN
Still not enough.. Still not enough..
The reindeer exit,
shaking their heads
SANTA
What am I to do now? Just four
more days… Maybe if I eat a cookie, I'll feel better..
MRS. CLAUS
This is how you got to be
this way in the first place! Now back on the exer-cycle, dear!
SCENE THREE
SCENE: THE NIGHT
BEFORE CHRISTMAS. A VISIBLY MORE SHAPELY SANTA CALLS IN THE REINDEER
SANTA
So boys? Whad’ya think? Will it
do?
RUDOLPH
You do look less round. Whad'ya
think boys?
BLITZEN
He looks leaner…I'll fly
SANTA
I lost six whole pounds!
DONNER
I'm ready to go. There's
something we forgot to tell you. There are a few things we'd like to have in
the future – you know - to prepare us for the long trip?
SANTA
Like what, boys?
DONNER
We'd like a fancy meal before we
leave. Grass and forest greens don't do it for us
SANTA
I’m in favor of good healthy food
and I myself lost my extra pounds eating lots of greens. What did you have in
mind?
BLITZEN
We’d like…all-dressed pizza!
SANTA
Now Blitzen, you know that's definitely not
the right type of food reindeers need to maintain a healthy weight. I know that
there have been a lot of late-night pizza deliveries at the Pole lately but no
more. I need you guys all nice and slim, too, for future trips. We can make some fun spinach smoothies and okra floats - healthy treats. Greens… Lots of
Vitamin C…roughage…and from now on, they'll be a daily exercise program at the
North Pole and I expect every reindeer to take part. I have you all to thank
for my change
DONNER
(aside to Rudolph, whistfully)
No… more… pizza deliveries?
BLITZEN
(upset tone of voice)
Gee thanks Rudolph!
DONNER
Yeah – thanks Rudy!
SANTA
I know you boys will like the
changes. They’ll be mo more junk food in the workshop! You helped me lose some
extra pounds and I'm thankful for your help. A healthy Santa is important if
I'm going to do the job properly. Now, let's go deliver some gifts to good
girls and boys! C'mon boys – it's time!
SANTA exits, accompanied by the
reindeer
ASIDE TO MOTHER CLAUS: ‘We're
leaving mother! Better have some cookies…I mean of course, veggies and fruit
when we come back!’
BLITZEN
Did anyone tell you that you have
a big mouth, Rudolph?
DONNER
…a big one…very big…
The
reindeer exit
SANTA'S VOICE – OFFSTAGE
‘Now Dancer, now Prancer,
Comet.and .Blitzen –up, up in the air we go!’ Rudolph? Is that you I hear
complaining? You’ll get used to it! A healthy deer is a happy deer!'
RUDOLPH
Yeah…happy… I’m so happy…
MRS. CLAUS
Thank goodness everything turned
out in the end.
A much slimmer Mrs. Claus stares at herself in a long mirror
Didn't do me any harm, either. Merry Christmas, Santa! Merry
Christmas reindeer!
©2003, Eleanor Tylbor
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