Just read a piece that Nia Vardalos is doing a movie sequel to "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". As much as I really enjoyed this film - I've seen it many times - my play, "A Wedding" which could be described as a Jewish equivalent, is equally funny if not more. Here's a taste from a scene out of the play and see if you agree. It's part of one of my favorite scenes - but then they all are. Some of the formatting has been lost due to cut and pasting and transferring from Word.
THE SCENE: At the Greenberg house. The bride and the groom's family are meeting for the first time for dinner. Lenor, mother of groom-to-be, David, is on the snotty side unlike father Charles. The Greenberg household is middle-class except for Sadie, who is in competition with Lenor.
We join the social gathering as dad Morty Greenberg has done a lot more than merely pour and taste wine. His mother, Sylvia, arrives unannounced. The leg of a dining room chair is broken, a reality they are trying to hide.
We join the social gathering as dad Morty Greenberg has done a lot more than merely pour and taste wine. His mother, Sylvia, arrives unannounced. The leg of a dining room chair is broken, a reality they are trying to hide.
SADIE
Excuse
me people…what kind of person visits at this time of night?
SADIE
EXITS
SADIE re-enters with her mother-in-law, SYLVIA
MORTY
(slurred
speech)
Ma?
Whad'ya doing here? I fought you were shtaying wiv Elaine until shummer
Can a
mother visit her only son, without having to announce her arrival before? Maybe
I should check into a hotel and come back tomorrow, since you have dinner
guests. Are you drunk? My poor baby boy! See what living with you does to him,
Sadie? The man has turned to liquor for escape. I warned you, Morty, what life
would be like living with…her
SADIE
An
excellent idea, Sylvia. Why don't you come back tomorrow…or maybe next
month…next year? Never would even be better
MORTY
Don't
talk shtupid! Shadie, put mom's shutecases in the rare shpoom. You've come jus'
at the right time. You ate already?
SYLVIA
Your
sister packed me a sandwich and fruit for the train but I finished that hours
ago. Just make me some toast and a glass of tea and I'll go to my room until
your company has left
MORTY
Nonshense!
Rajel, go get a chair from the kitchen, for your…your… bubie. You heard our
good news?
Does
anybody tell me anything? Who am I anyway? Just a sick, old woman shipped from
place-to-place, because nobody has room for me. Why should anyone share their
news with me?
MORTY
Our
Rachel here is… em-em-gaged to be marry, ma!
SYLVIA
Uh-huh…
So, you couldn't have picked up the phone to tell me, Sadie? You forgot my
phone number, maybe? After all,
…I'm only
the grandmother. Why should you share a happy event with me? So, introduce me to your fiancey
RACHEL
David,
this is Grammy Sylvia, my best friend in the whole world!
SADIE
And
what am I? Chopped liver?
SYLVIA
Sadie
dear, look at yourself as the pickled herring: always a hors d'oeuvre but never the main course. How many times have I told you that
she always liked me better than you?
SYLVIA
hugs RACHEL
SADIE
Come
again? Morty – you better tell her…
MORTY
Now ma,
you know you shouldn't tease Sabie like that. You shtill ‘aven't tol' us why
you here
SYLVIA
Your
sister, Elaine, went on a cruise so I landed up here on your doorstep. That
cheapskate husband of hers didn't even pay for my fare. I tell you – nobody has
respect for the aged anymore. In my days…
SADIE
Will
you be honoring us with your presence for a long time, she asked, afraid of the
answer?
MORTY
She
jus' got here f-fur crying out loud. You-you can shtay for has l-long has you
wan, ma
MORTY
gets up to get another drink and SYLVIA
quickly takes his place
SADIE
Don't
sit there ma!
SYLVIA
You
want I should stand all night or maybe I should leave, better? I'm a weak, old
woman…my legs don't hold me up any more. Oy! The pain! Starts in my big toe and
travels all the way up my hip and stays there! Soon I'll need a wheelchair!
Pain is my constant companion!
MORTY
Rushing over to pull chair away
SADIE
Weak
like a bull! Rachel honey, go get your grammy a chair from the kitchen. Morty
sweetheart, you don't look comfortable. Wouldn't you prefer to drink…sit in
your favorite armchair over there, so you can relax?
RACHEL
EXITS
MORTY
But…I
wanna be able to…to…talk wid eberyone…
SADIE
I'm
sure we can sacrifice your…witty observations of life, so that you can be
comfortable!
MORTY
staggers to the armchair
SYLVIA
The
truth is you really don't want me to
join your dinner party, do you. Don't worry 'bout old Sylvia. She'll watch
television upstairs, all alone in her room, listening to everyone laughing and
having a good time. Excuse me, people, for bothering you…it's past my bed time…just
get me a glass for my teeth, Sadie, and I'll get out of your way
Starts
to get up
MORTY
You
know you're alwaysh welcome and you'll shtay 'ere to celbrate wid ush!
RACHEL enters with chair; MORTY follows her
SADIE
Places TV tray in front of MORTY
MORTY Cont'd. Absolutely!
There's nothing I love more than a visit from your mother. Almost as much as an
appointment with the dentist. Set a place for your bubie, Rachel
MORTY
Attempts to sit in armchair but jerks to an
standing position, waving arms as he speaks
Shadie
mape her besh dish tonight, ma. Roast ducky in orange sauce, wiv orange booze
SYLVIA
Duck? I couldn't possibly eat that! Too fat and
it's bad for my cholester-ail
MORTY
Couldn't
you gib her shomething else?
MORTY
teeters over to SADIE, tries to kiss
her on the cheek but she pulls away
SADIE
Oh
something springs to mind alright, but I could get arrested for homicide
RACHEL
Moves a chair in back of SYLVIA, who sits down
I'm
sure you could find something for grammy, mom, couldn't you?
SADIE
I'll go
check what I have in the fridge. How 'bout a cheese sandwich, ma?
SYLVIA
It's
low fat, I hope?
SADIE
EXITS
…Where's
your manners! Don't be so rude Morty and introduce me to your guests
MORTY
is drinking another glass of liquor
at the bar
MORTY
Meet
Dabid's parents, Lee-oree and Ch-Charmie Skybird
SYLVIA
So,
what do you think of my granddaughter? Is she not a beauty?
LENOR
You
have a lovely granddaughter, Sylvia. And what do you think of our David?
SYLVIA
Seems
like a nice catch but he makes a living for my Rachel? She's used to good
things!
LENOR
He's a
corporate lawyer with a very good practice
SYLVIA
He's a
partner in the firm, maybe?
LENOR
I'm
sure that will happen in the future. After all – he's got all the right
ingredients – a good family background…
SADIE
RE-ENTERS
SADIE
Has my
mother in law been telling you all the family secrets? Here's your cheese
sandwich, ma, with low-fat dressing, just like you asked. Now close your
mouth…and enjoy!
SYLVIA
So
where's the lettuce? Salad greens are good for my constipation
I'm definitely getting a migraine!
(bowing)
Any
particular kind…iceberg,romaine…bib…? Your wish is my command your majesty…I
mean, Sylvia
SADIE EXITS
SYLVIA
Rachel
sweetheart, bring me my small suitcase. I have all my medication inside
SADIE RE-ENTERS
SADIE
So what
pills are you taking these days or do you have one of everything?
SYLVIA
With
all my conditions, they're so many. This is for my vangina and this is for…
SADIE
…thank
you for sharing, but I'm sure our guests aren't interested in all your pills
SYLVIA
I'll be
at the wedding as long as my vangina doesn't act up but you never know
MORTY
How
c-come n-n-nobody tol' me you 'ad am…vam-gi-na? I-I'm the son!
SADIE
Do you feel
up to cutting us some more duck, dear?
MORTY
stands up and teeters over to the table.
He grabs the carving fork, thrusts it in
the
duck and hacks away
Morty…dearest,
the duck is dead already! There's no reason to keep stabbing it!
LENOR
takes her napkin and wipes her dress.
SADIE distributes plates of duck. When MORTY
takes his portion, he lifts the plate
to his
lips and drinks; LENOR is horrified
MORTY
My Shabie
makes the bes' gravy! You-you make dood guck, honey-bunny
Did I
mention I mixed up my medication and ended up in the hospital emergency room? I
could'a died, y’know! Rachel dear, bring me my blood pressure thing-ie like a
good girl
No such
luck - I mean, isn't it dangerous taking your own blood pressure? You could
over pump and then… Why don't you let me
do that for you?
MORTY
puts on TV and an
ear-piercing screech comes from the TV.
Everyone jumps in response
MORTY
Look ad
dat! My faborit all-time mooooomie is playing on our big screen TV too – Night of the Living Dead. Reminds me
of our supper tonight…just a joke
SADIE
Thank
you for sharing, sweetheart…
MORTY
Don'chu
love zombies? They scare me shi-…
SADIE
- dearest,
shouldn't you close the TV when we have guests?
MORTY
Why? We
could all watch it togevver. Shabie – go make some popcorn for eberyone
Let him
watch his movie! It bothers you? You always were a fun killer
SADIE
I think
you should close the TV – NOW – and
we'll discuss this later, dearest?
RACHEL
You
start clearing the table, mom, and let me take care of grammy
SADIE clears the table of dishes
SADIE
Morty
dearest, be a darling and help me?
MORTY gets up but
loses his balance and falls backward on the broken chair, which collapses under
his weight
SYLVIA
You
gave him that chair on purpose, didn't you Sadie? Don't think I'm not on to you
trying to collect on his insurance. Your wife wants to trade you in for a new
model, Morty. Better leave now while you still can!
SADIE
Oh God!
She's over-medicated herself again
SADIE
EXITS
SYLVIA
You
could have married Roseanne Epstein and her family would have given you the
world. She was crazy for you, Morty, and I hear she's divorced from her third
husband. It's never to late to find real love
RACHEL
You're
such a kidder, grammy! She loves pretending to hate mom, don't you?
SYLVIA
looks away and doesn't answer
What a
joker!
MORTY
(getting
up from sitting on floor)
Shabie
is my one and only true love! We m-may not be rich in dollars b-but my Sadie
has a lot of sense. Get it? Dollars…cents…?
SADIE re-enters holding a cake with
sparklers
on top
SADIE
Morty…sweetheart,
why don't you give your mouth a rest…I mean, relax and watch your movie. You've
had a long day but not half as long as this evening has been
CHARLES
Wow! That's some cake! I bet it tastes as good as
it looks
MORTY
You
outdone myself, my sweet bon-bon!
DAVID
You
baked this for us? It must have taken you hours
SADIE
It was
just a little something I whipped up
MORTY
My
Shadie is good at whipping things, aren't you my little pickle?
SADIE
Who
wants coffee and who wants tea?
LENOR
Nothing
for me since both keep me up at night
SYLVIA
I know
exactly where you're coming from Leoree. Drinking liquids before I go to bed
makes me pee all night too!
Sometimes I think I spend more time in the bathroom than I do in bed
LENOR
Charles
dear, we really must leave now. My migraine is getting quite intense
LENOR
stands up
Sadie,
it's been wonderful meeting you and Monty…
CHARLES
We have
to have a slice of this special cake Sadie made or she'll be insulted. Won't
you Sadie? Just a little sliver…please?
LENOR sit down again
Remember
your cholesterol, dear…
SYLVIA
…you
too? What pill are you taking for that? Wanna see all mine?
LENOR
I'll
take half of the sliver you gave Charles
CHARLES
Now
this is what I call a supper. Everything was perfect. Why don't share your
recipes with Lenor? Anything is better than the grass we eat
LENOR
We
really must leave dearest. I have a busy schedule tomorrow. Call me Sadie
MORTY
But…
arem't… you… Lenor? If you…you wam me to call you Shabie, than Shabie it’ll be.
I got a g-good idea! I'll call Shabie, Lemor, and Le-le-more, Shabie!
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