Elvis – The Real
Story
TAMMY 40-something
avid Elvis fan and wife of Len
LEN 40-something
husband of Tammy"THE" ELVIS, former big star/singer/performer
The present
Jackson’s 7-11 GAS
BAR AND DINER
Photos of Elvis cover
a large portion of one wall; Elvis songs play non-stop. There is a table with
two chairs on one side of the room, while the other side of the room has the
usual gas station displays of motor oil, etc.
TAMMY and LEN, two
customers, are seated at a table looking around the room
LEN
(Scrutinizing the surroundings)
Um…who recommended
this place?
TAMMY
(reading book)
The restaurant guide
write-up says it’s fine dining with a difference
LEN
Fine dining if you’re
a rat! Did you happen to notice that a cockroach just crawled out of our bread basket?
Must be one that escaped the Chef’s special catch-of-the-day
TAMMY
Stop being so negative
and take in the atmosphere
LEN
You mean the aromatic
scent of “eau du trash” coming from the back? Phee-ew!
TAMMY
You’re so…so…provincial
in your thinking, sweetheart. It's about this authentic ‘60’s décor that gives
the place its special caché!
LEN
More like early
condemned. Every square inch of wall space is covered with faded Elvis photos
and the man’s been dead for how many years?
TAMMY
That's the beauty of
this place! It’s like a shrine devoted to “The King.” It's all too…wonderful
LEN
Are you saying that
this…this gas station and one-table-diner was the King of Rock and Roll’s eatery
of choice? Not!
TAMMY
For your information
they say he used to eat fried chicken here and sometimes he even entertained
diners
LEN
Was that before or
after he turned into the Goodyear blimp? If I had known we were coming here to
eat, I’d have checked to make sure my insurance policy was paid up
LEN
…obviously not long
enough…
TAMMY
…seven months! If you
think I’m going to give up the chance to dine here…
LEN
…and a fine dining
establishment it is – if you’re into salmonella poisoning
TAMMY
Get a grip! The waiter
is coming to try to act normal, if that’s possible
the waiter dressed in an Elvis
jumpsuit struts over, swinging his hips in a
typical Elvis-like walk. He smoothes the sides
of his hair with his hands, frequently
WAITER
(swinging his hips between every word)
Evening folks’. Need a
menu? Uh-huh – oh yeah…
LEN
No. We prefer to use
ESP to order. Of course we need a menu!
TAMMY
Don’t mind my husband
– I don’t. Leave the menu here and we’ll choose
LEN
So tacky. All the
dishes are Elvis songs. 'Be-bop-a-lu-la' chicken wings…' The 'Love Me Tender' T-bone
looks questionable and it comes with fries that are probably a couple months
old and a 'I Did It My Way' salad. Look at this: says here on the menu that all
their steaks are aged to perfection. Yesterday's road-kill most likely
TAMMY
Have you considered
that your cranial spark plugs have stopped kicking in? I can’t make up my mind
– so many choices…
the waiter comes over to take the
order
LEN
Are all those dishes
served a la carte?
WAITER
(swinging hips)
No – on a plate.
Uh-huh…
TAMMY
Just choose something
already, will you?
WAITER
Want me to come back,
folks? Uh-huh…
SFX: LIGHTS DIM
TAMMY
Ssshhh! Quiet! The
shows is gonna begin
SOUND: GUITAR TWANG
LEN
I don’t see why we
hav’ta be quiet. Cheez – I can hear the sound of someone pumping gas outside, not
to mention the smell. Mind you, it's hard to tell the difference between the food
and the gas
(The song from “2001: A Space Odyssey” is heard and the
waiter now dressed
in a mechanic’s uniform on the
other side of the room walks in front of the
counter holding a hand mic)
VOICE OVER
“For you entertainment
and pllllea-sure, the King has entered the building!”
(VOICE OVER)
“Direct from his
engagement at the luxurious Pink Flamingo Laundromat and Bank Drive Thru in
Tijuana, Mex-i-co, the management of Jackson’s 7/11 and Diner is proud to
present, “the” King of Rock’n’Roll himself, the one – the only – El-vis!”
A bent over Elvis slowly makes his way to the other side of the room. He
bends over to kiss Len, who pushes him
way
ELVIS
“Whoops – sorry. Gotta
get my eyes checked
He whips out a dirty handkerchief, spits on it and cleans his eyes and replaces it in a back pocket
ELVIS
(in weak squeaky voice)
Thank y’all very much!
It’s the first time I been back this way goin’ on twenty years…or maybe it’s
thirty…could be forty… Anyway… Good t'see y’all ain’t fergetten the King
whips out his handkerchief again
and blows his nose
ELVIS
Guess I ain’t the same
Elvis you remember a ways back, huh? But then who is?
Starts coughing and choking.
Scantily dresses nurses rush over to pat him on
the back
ELVIS
See? I still got it
but now I don’t know what to do with it! Thank y’all very much… Listen ladies –
go see if you can find my extra set of dentures that I left in a steak
yesterday.
He chokes again and a well-endowed female doctor wearing tight fitting clothing enters, with a stethoscope draped around her neck
DOCTOR
Now Mr. Elvis – honey
– you know you gotta take it easy. Your ticker ain’t what it used to be
ELVIS
(laughing and staring at her breasts)
Yeah but ask me if I
care. Thank you all very much. And now before the spaceship comes to take me
away, I’m gonna sing you a personal favourite of mine…
ELVIS sings the first few lines
of “My Way” completely off-key
LEN
(starting to get up)
Oh fer… We’re not
gonna stay and listen to this… The man is obviously senile
Sound of tires squeaking to a
stop and the slam of car doors
ELVIS
Uh-oh…they’re coming
back…I knew they’d find me… Damn aliens!
Two males wearing white outfits move
on either side of Elvis and take his arms
MALE 1
C’mon pops. You got
another gig at the Sunnyvale Nursing Home
ELVIS
ut…but…I ain’t
finished my set, yet!
Shaking his head and winking at Len and Tammy
You don’t wanna be
late for your big entrance.
ELVIS
Where’s my peanut
butter and banana sandwich. I caint sing without it
the two men start to lead
Elvis off the stage but Elvis stops and addresses the
couple
ELVIS
Thank you all very
much!
Elvis walks over, signs a piece of paper and hands it to Len and then exits
with the men
LEN
(addressing waiter)
That was not “the” Elvis
Presley now, was it? You got us here under false pretences. And that’s against
the law, y’know!
WAITER
The guy is 80
years old. Whad’ya expect? He’s got two hip replacements, a bad knee and now
all that shaking he does is the real thing, poor bastard. By the way, know that
piece of paper he handed you?
LEN
I really couldn’t care
less about the man’s autograph… In fact this is what I think of you AND your
Elvis
LEN rips up the piece of
paper into small pieces
WAITER
You shouldn’t have
done that. Uh-uh…
LEN
Elvis my a-s-s!
WAITER
That piece of paper
would’a given you a tank of gas with your meal. Oh well…uh-huh…
Len throws himself down on the floor picking up the pieces of paper
trying to put them together
LEN
Don't just stand there, Tammy. A tank of gas is a
tank of gas is…
VOICE OVER
“The King has left the
building
LEN
(on his knees scooping up pieces of paper
frantically)
Hang on a minute. I
can put these pieces together… gimme some of that leftover barbeque sauce...
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