OLD SOLDIERS - THE PLAY
As mentioned in a previous blog, working on converting my short story, "Old Soldiers", into a play for submission to the BBC International Radio Playwriting Competition. To this end, I've completed approx. a dozen pages so far, with merely a month or so to go. Whether or not I can finish in time remains uncertain but even if I don't complete it this year, plan to submit it next time round. Obviously, I have to make modifications and change the story line somewhat given that the play should be 70 pages. I really do like what I've written so far.
Sound effects are minimal, at least at this point, but the story line calls for more later on. Meanwhile, here is a sample of the play so far. Comments welcome.
Note the play is not formatted for stage.OLD SOLDIERS
By Eleanor Tylbor
SCENE: A pub/bar.
SFX: Soft rock background music plays in the background, sound of people talking; sound of clinking glasses
JOE MCKENNA
Yup…yup…yup…one less of us. The way things are going, won’t be long before we’re all gone. ‘Over here, Mac!’ The man can hardly walk, even with a walker
MIKE
He's 87 for Christ's sake! We all ain’t peppy anymore in case you haven’t noticed. My glass is empty
JOE MCKENNA
Yeah and? I bought the last round
MIKE
Not! Well?
JOE MCKENNA
Well - what?
MIKE
It’s your damn turn to buy! Open up your pockets and free the moths
MAC
(gasping, breathing heavily)
Really... windy... out there – and cold. Hope it’s not...like this tomorrow
SFX: blows nose
MIKE
We don’t get to choose the kind of weather t’get buried. Anyway, it’s November.
JOE
Whad’ya having, Mac?
MIKE
You’re buying him a drink? What about me?
JOE
He just got here. You been sponging off me for an hour
MIKE
Say what? You got that backwards!
MAC
I don’t need no handout. I can afford t’buy my own drink, thank you very much.
JOE
Whatever…
MIKE
You should’a taken him up on that. The man’s a cheap bastard
MAC
(aside to bartender)
‘The usual!’ My body feels like one gigantic pain
JOE
Just a few of us old farts left, now.
SFX: GLASSES BEING PLACED ON BAR
BARTENDER
So who’s paying?
(five seconds of silence)
MIKE
He is!
MAC
I’ll pay for all of us if it means avoiding another fight. Drink up guys!
JOE
‘To all the fallen heroes – especially Percy – wherever you are!’ I cut his obit out’ta the paper t’keep as a souvenir
MIKE
Another obit for your wallet? Must be full by now
JOE
It’s easy to fill these days what with medical bills and all, but not with money.
MIKE
Don’t I know it
MAC
I wanted to keep the obit, too, but I don’t get the paper every day, anymore
JOE
I’ll save mine for you when I finish. A person should keep up with what’s going on in the world
MAC
What the hell for? I don’t need’a read about murders and people dying in the street. Ignorance is bliss
MIKE
Did it say whether Percy had any kids? Don’t recall him mentioning anything
JOE
(reading out loud)
‘….Percy Albertson, son of….blah-blah-blah… Daughter Fiona…’ He had a daughter? Don’t remember him mentioning any
MAC
Maybe he wasn’t speaking to her. Families are too busy these days to visit the old folk
JOE
Says the funeral’s tomorrow afternoon at 2 o’clock. Good – that gives me enough time
MIKE
To do what? Watch your TV programs?
JOE
Got plans t’make
MAC
Like?
JOE
Plans…that’s all. I don’t hav’ta tell you everything
MIKE
You never share anything even though we tell you our personal stuff. Shoot - didn’t find out you were married ‘til three months later. You are one secretive weirdo
JOE
They’ll bury him with full military honors for sure, flag and all. Big, bloody, deal. He needed help when he was alive
MIKE
There you go changing the subject on us, again. Hey look – the old jukebox is working again.
SFX: sound of coins on table
Anybody got five bucks to play a song?
JOE
Say what? The jukebox takes $5 a shot, now? I’ll listen to my old 45’s
MIKE
Never mind – I found a five dollar bill
JOE
Wa’cha gonna play, anyway
MIKE
You gotta pay if you wanna know what I’m gonna play. The good old days weren’t so good, anyway
JOE
I can wait to hear
MIKE
I’ll be back
MAC
This weather don’t do my back any good. I have trouble walking today
JOE
What about those new pills they you last month?
MAC
Pills can’t re-build an old, worn-out body and that’s what I need. A new body
JOE
Don’t we all. What time is it, anyway?
MAC
Four o’clock. Anybody hear from Al? He was supposed meet us here an hour ago
JOE
He left a message on my answering machine last week to say he’d be joining us.
MAC
It’s getting dark. Don’t like it out when it gets dark. Not safe for old people
MIKE
Maybe we should call him and see if he’s on his way? I mean, he hasn’t been well lately
MAC
Do you have his phone number?
JOE
He never gave it to me
MAC
Come to think of it, I don’t have it
MAC
Mike’s coming back. Where’s the music? Jukebox not working
MIKE
Neh! They don’t have my stuff. Only that crap they play on the radio these days you know – Lady Goo-Goo…whoever. So where’s Al?
MAC
Damned if I know. Who was supposed to call and remind him?
(silence)
JOE
Just great. The guy supposed to meet us here and nobody bothers calling to remind him. Good friends he has
MIKE
Do you have his number, big shot?
JOE
No but I assumed one of youze has it written down, somewhere
MAC
What about a cell phone?
MIKE
Doesn’t own one. He never much liked modern technology. To tell you the truth, neither do I
JOE
So how we supposed to remind him that we’re all here and he’s supposed to meet us? Send a messenger?
MIKE
He could still show up
MAC
I said…I have one
JOE
One what? What are you babbling about?
MAC
I have…a cell phone
MIKE
What in God’s name do you need a cell phone? All your friends are dead
We don’t get to choose the kind of weather t’get buried. Anyway, it’s November.
JOE
Whad’ya having, Mac?
MIKE
You’re buying him a drink? What about me?
JOE
He just got here. You been sponging off me for an hour
MIKE
Say what? You got that backwards!
MAC
I don’t need no handout. I can afford t’buy my own drink, thank you very much.
JOE
Whatever…
MIKE
You should’a taken him up on that. The man’s a cheap bastard
MAC
(aside to bartender)
‘The usual!’ My body feels like one gigantic pain
JOE
Just a few of us old farts left, now.
SFX: GLASSES BEING PLACED ON BAR
BARTENDER
So who’s paying?
(five seconds of silence)
MIKE
He is!
MAC
I’ll pay for all of us if it means avoiding another fight. Drink up guys!
JOE
‘To all the fallen heroes – especially Percy – wherever you are!’ I cut his obit out’ta the paper t’keep as a souvenir
MIKE
Another obit for your wallet? Must be full by now
JOE
It’s easy to fill these days what with medical bills and all, but not with money.
MIKE
Don’t I know it
MAC
I wanted to keep the obit, too, but I don’t get the paper every day, anymore
JOE
I’ll save mine for you when I finish. A person should keep up with what’s going on in the world
MAC
What the hell for? I don’t need’a read about murders and people dying in the street. Ignorance is bliss
MIKE
Did it say whether Percy had any kids? Don’t recall him mentioning anything
JOE
(reading out loud)
‘….Percy Albertson, son of….blah-blah-blah… Daughter Fiona…’ He had a daughter? Don’t remember him mentioning any
MAC
Maybe he wasn’t speaking to her. Families are too busy these days to visit the old folk
JOE
Says the funeral’s tomorrow afternoon at 2 o’clock. Good – that gives me enough time
MIKE
To do what? Watch your TV programs?
JOE
Got plans t’make
MAC
Like?
JOE
Plans…that’s all. I don’t hav’ta tell you everything
MIKE
You never share anything even though we tell you our personal stuff. Shoot - didn’t find out you were married ‘til three months later. You are one secretive weirdo
JOE
They’ll bury him with full military honors for sure, flag and all. Big, bloody, deal. He needed help when he was alive
MIKE
There you go changing the subject on us, again. Hey look – the old jukebox is working again.
SFX: sound of coins on table
Anybody got five bucks to play a song?
JOE
Say what? The jukebox takes $5 a shot, now? I’ll listen to my old 45’s
MIKE
Never mind – I found a five dollar bill
JOE
Wa’cha gonna play, anyway
MIKE
You gotta pay if you wanna know what I’m gonna play. The good old days weren’t so good, anyway
JOE
I can wait to hear
MIKE
I’ll be back
MAC
This weather don’t do my back any good. I have trouble walking today
JOE
What about those new pills they you last month?
MAC
Pills can’t re-build an old, worn-out body and that’s what I need. A new body
JOE
Don’t we all. What time is it, anyway?
MAC
Four o’clock. Anybody hear from Al? He was supposed meet us here an hour ago
JOE
He left a message on my answering machine last week to say he’d be joining us.
MAC
It’s getting dark. Don’t like it out when it gets dark. Not safe for old people
MIKE
Maybe we should call him and see if he’s on his way? I mean, he hasn’t been well lately
MAC
Do you have his phone number?
JOE
He never gave it to me
MAC
Come to think of it, I don’t have it
MAC
Mike’s coming back. Where’s the music? Jukebox not working
MIKE
Neh! They don’t have my stuff. Only that crap they play on the radio these days you know – Lady Goo-Goo…whoever. So where’s Al?
MAC
Damned if I know. Who was supposed to call and remind him?
(silence)
JOE
Just great. The guy supposed to meet us here and nobody bothers calling to remind him. Good friends he has
MIKE
Do you have his number, big shot?
JOE
No but I assumed one of youze has it written down, somewhere
MAC
What about a cell phone?
MIKE
Doesn’t own one. He never much liked modern technology. To tell you the truth, neither do I
JOE
So how we supposed to remind him that we’re all here and he’s supposed to meet us? Send a messenger?
MIKE
He could still show up
MAC
I said…I have one
JOE
One what? What are you babbling about?
MAC
I have…a cell phone
MIKE
What in God’s name do you need a cell phone? All your friends are dead
4 comments:
Hi Ellie,
It's obvious that you don't know the difference between a stage play and a radio play. A stage play is confined to one fixed location per act (usually interior) and advances the story by means of dialogue.
A radio play has no limitation in space and time and advances the story by means of sound and words - not necessarily dialogue.
The "show don't tell" rule is even more essential for a radio play than for fiction. How do we know these are old soldiers? Because they tell us. How do we know one of their comrades has just died? Because they tell us. How do we know they have ailments? Because they tell us.
Look at those first few pages of my radio play that I sent you to see how a radio play is constructed. But you've probably thrown them out so here's a hint.
Sound: Winter wind. Bugler playing Taps (or the Last Post). It's obvious he's seen better days.
Mac: (sotto voce) Do me a favor, Doug, give up the ghost in the summertime. I don't think I can survive another November funeral.
Doug: That makes two of us. Can't understand how Harry could be so inconsiderate.
Sound: Bugler hits a sour note. The mourners make a crack about him losing his touch. Bugle fades. Come up on the sound of soft rock and the clink of glasses.
Water: That'll be two pounds ten, gentlemen.
Harry: Your round, Doug.
Doug: I got the last one, don't you remember?
Harry: What are you talking about you haven't bought a round since...(raising his voice) John, over here! Etc.
A radio play should be constructed like a screenplay, but with sound in the place of images. I listened to hundreds of radio plays as a child so it's second nature to me. I can see that it is not second nature to you so I suggest you have three alernatives:
1. Scrap what you have done and start over.
2. Scrap this play and try to write something more compatible with the medium.
3. Forget about writing a radio play and do something you know how to do.
I presume you realize, Ellie, that the names I used in my example were arbitrary. I intended to go back to your excerpt, get the correct names, and edit my comment but it disappeared into cyberspace. Frankly, if I'd been aware that it had to be "approved by the blog author" I wouldn't have bothered.
Hi Bill,
Oh my - full of vitriol today, aren't we? As I wrote and shared in this blog, having never written a play for radio, I'm guessing how it should be written. Like you, I spent many an hour listening to radio programs and still do when I can catch NPR during trips in the U.S.
The way that I view it, a story is a story is...etc. It has to be propelled along by a plot and the listeners in this case, have to get to know the characters. That's all I was doing - so far. If you read the story, then you know that the focus will be on Joe and his plan. It requires a complete re-think and re-write and that takes time. I still like the premise so I'll see where it goes.
When I write a play for example, I enter into the character's world and am a visitor taking notes about what the characters are saying and what's happening around me. I'm attempting to use the same formula in writing a play for radio.
Thanks for your helpful comments although they could have been expressed in a much nicer manner but that's typically you. In the end, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Just to add to my comment, the bottom line is that if nothing else, I'll end up with another play to submit. So it's a win-win situation.
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