The neighbors are still fueding over shrubs

Once again, for the umpteenth time (how much exactly is umpteen, one wonders), just finished yet another update and re-write of "Neighbors" now known and re-titled, "The Shrubs."

It's been more than a year since putting the play to bed for a while in the hope of gaining some perspective as to its contents and viability. It's always been a favorite play because the characters get to say some entertaining and amusing lines. In the way of background information for people who aren't familiar with the story line, it focuses on the long standing dispute between two neighbors and the erroneous placement of a set of shrubs that divide their two properties. One wants them removed while the other is determined that they will stay, forever.

There weren't really many changes other than some inconsistences that were missed somehow, during the many re-writes. This was caught due to the breathing space between re-reads. In any case and because I like the play, here is the opening dialogue.

The two neighbors, Portman and Taylor, take great pleasure in defending their view points with verbal barbs.  Ignore the formatting since it was a cut-and-paste from Word.

THE TIME

The present, mid-summer

SETTING: Back garden(s) of two neighbors. A picket fence separates their properties

AT RISE:  Morning. Hot summer's day.

 

SOUND FX: Lawnmowers

ROBBIE (ROB) PORTMAN lazes in a hammock reading a book while holding a glass of liquid in the other hand. Dressed in cut-off jeans and a grungy t-shirt, his hair is long and unkempt and he sports a heavy beard

Dressed in a short-sleeved dress shirt and pants, JEFFRY TAYLOR, his next door neighbor, is the antithesis of PORTMAN, and a perfectionist. TAYLOR tends to his garden stopping periodically to study PORTMAN and finally makes his way over to their common fence.

 

TAYLOR

(wiping forehead)

Must be a hundred degrees in the shade today. I’d be indoors right now if my tomatoes didn’t need pampering. That’s the real secret of growing big veggies, y’know. Give em extra ‘TLC’… Hello? Hope I'm not disturbing you or anything

PORTMAN

           Takes gulp of liquid from glass

Must be them darn chipmunks makin’ a racket again' Gettin’ so’s a person can't read in peace anymore

TAYLOR

 How long have you been laying there?

PORTMAN

What time did the sun rise, today?

TAYLOR

Another liquid breakfast, I presume

PORTMAN

For your information, it’s plain orange juice

TAYLOR

And? You expect me to believe that? Oranges aren’t the only thing in your juice to give you – in your vernacular – a buzz

PORTMAN

Go suck a lemon. Wait – you don’t need to. You’re sour enough

TAYLOR

Touchy-touchy. You know what I’m getting at

PORTMAN

Okay – say it. You’re just dying to. Then go away

TAYLOR

It’s not like I haven’t said it a thousand times before

PORTMAN

How does what I do affect your life?

TAYLOR

Cheez Portman, it's only gone ten in the morning! You’re well on your way to turning into an alcoholic. Did I say turning into?

PORTMAN

Been there - heard it all before so don’t waste your breath. Go tend to your carrots or something. They need the Taylor touch

TAYLOR

Don’t ask me why but I care ‘bout you. Maybe something to do with the fact we've been neighbors going on twenty years and I don't wanna see you end up with cirrhosis of the liver - or worse

PORTMAN

Since when do you give a crap about whether I live or die?

TAYLOR

Better ,a neighbor you know than one you don’t. Don’t feel like breaking in someone new at this stage of my life

PORTMAN

Don’chu worry ‘bout me moving away. I intend to be here for a long, long time. It's too much fun bugging the shit out’ta you

TAYLOR

Do you see the incongruity in your chosen profession?

PORTMAN

Maybe I would if I could understand the question. Give me advance warning when you’re gonna give me another of your dumb lectures and I’ll make sure to have a dictionary handy

TAYLOR

Owning a bar must be the best thing that ever happened to you with your thirst

PORTMAN

It’s a living and I like the people who drop by. You know – regular people. Something you wouldn’t know anything about

TAYLOR

Denial – a sign of an alcoholic. Can’t you see the writing on the wall?

PORTMAN

You talking 'bout that "keep of the grass” sign you got posted all over your property? It's the joke of the neighborhood, y'know


Drains glass and checks watch

 

Gotta leave. Patty's opening today

TAYLOR

Another one of those Hooter waitresses?

PORTMAN

As if someone the likes of you would notice. You’re more into cucumbers, if you get my drift and for your information – not that I owe you anything - Patty is the right hand to my lef

TAYLOR

I bet she’s that and more

PORTMAN

And what would you know about sex? The closest you come is playing with your veggies

TAYLOR

t least it’s something productive

PORTMAN

Take a look at yourself and your life. Work your butt off for a multi-national all those years and what's it got you? A dinky house and a veggie garden. How do you stand the excitement?

TAYLOR

Save me from the melancholy alcoholic offering his view of life in a brief second of clarity. In all the years we've lived next door to each other, the only position I've seen you is lying on your back with your lips glued to the rim of a beer bottle. How long has it been, anyway, since you held down any type of job, if ever

 

PORTMAN

What's it your business?

TAYLOR

Figure you must be in your mid-forties or thereabouts

PORTMAN

Never found a position to suit my qualifications

TAYLOR

ust be near impossible to find a company that's looking for a hammock tester. How you've managed to survive on next to nothing is nothing short of a miracle, but then I would imagine your needs are few and far between. A bottle opener, a case of beer and you're all set

PORTMAN

Don't need big money to impress people like you do. I'm a simple guy with simple tastes

TAYLOR

And a big one for booze. How many bottles d'ya figure you drink of that poison a day? A dozen? More?

PORTMAN

Who counts?

TAYLOR

You sure as hell don't. Just bugs me to see you wasting your life away, doing nothing productive

PORTMAN

So don't look man! Turn your head the other way and mind your own business for a change and not mine! Listen! Your tomatoes are calling you

TAYLOR

All I can say is that I wouldn't waste mine lying on my back 

PORTMAN

Did somebody ask you to? It beats having to listen to you foam at the mouth about the evils of drink

TAYLOR

A person has'ta leave his mark on this world! He's gotta be able to tell future generations: ‘I-was-here!’

PORTMAN

My niece and nephew will know all about me, alright, ‘cause I’m leaving them something to remember me by.  When I pass on, this here house'l go to them, along with those beau-ti-ful shrubs. It’s all written out in my will

TAYLOR

By the time they inherit your house if you still own it, those shrubs'l be long gone, I can promise you that

PORTMAN

Might even build a de-luxe-y tree house for them this summer so's their grandkids can learn all about nature, up close and personal-like…

TAYLOR

Wouldn't count on that, if I were you

PORTMAN

…maybe hang some tire swings from the branches…

TAYLOR

ver my dead body!

PORTMAN

I can arrange that. Anyway, you don't have any say what I do with them shrubs

TAYLOR

Maybe not right now but don't count on them being here much longer

TAYLOR

How come the topic of conversation between us always ends up about your so-called shrubs growing on my property? Ten years of begging you to dig 'em up and they're still
standing, getting taller every year. The longer you leave them, the more it's gonna cost you to cut 'em down when the time comes

PORTMAN

There ain't ever gonna be a time and they ain't ever gonna be cut so I ain't worried none