A taste of "A WEDDING" play - Jewish version

Just read a piece that Nia Vardalos is doing a movie sequel to "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". As much as I really enjoyed this film - I've seen it many times - my play, "A Wedding" which could be described as a Jewish equivalent, is equally funny if not more. Here's a taste from a scene out of the play and see if you agree. It's part of one of my favorite scenes - but then they all are. Some of the formatting has been lost due to cut and pasting and transferring from Word.

 

THE SCENE: At the Greenberg house. The bride and the groom's family are meeting for the first time for dinner. Lenor, mother of groom-to-be, David, is on the snotty side unlike father Charles. The Greenberg household is middle-class except for Sadie, who is in competition with Lenor.

We join the social gathering as dad Morty Greenberg has done a lot more than merely pour and taste wine. His mother, Sylvia, arrives unannounced. The leg of a dining room chair is broken, a reality they are trying to hide.

 

SADIE

 

Excuse me people…what kind of person visits at this time of night?

        

           SADIE EXITS                      

           SADIE re-enters with her mother-in-law, SYLVIA

 And here is the answer to that question

MORTY

(slurred speech)

Ma? Whad'ya doing here? I fought you were shtaying wiv Elaine until shummer

 SYLVIA

Can a mother visit her only son, without having to announce her arrival before? Maybe I should check into a hotel and come back tomorrow, since you have dinner guests. Are you drunk? My poor baby boy! See what living with you does to him, Sadie? The man has turned to liquor for escape. I warned you, Morty, what life would be like living with…her

SADIE

An excellent idea, Sylvia. Why don't you come back tomorrow…or maybe next month…next year? Never would even be better

MORTY

Don't talk shtupid! Shadie, put mom's shutecases in the rare shpoom. You've come jus' at the right time. You ate already?

SYLVIA

Your sister packed me a sandwich and fruit for the train but I finished that hours ago. Just make me some toast and a glass of tea and I'll go to my room until your company has left

MORTY

Nonshense! Rajel, go get a chair from the kitchen, for your…your… bubie. You heard our good news?

 SYLVIA

Does anybody tell me anything? Who am I anyway? Just a sick, old woman shipped from place-to-place, because nobody has room for me. Why should anyone share their news with me?

MORTY

Our Rachel here is… em-em-gaged to be marry, ma!

SYLVIA

Uh-huh… So, you couldn't have picked up the phone to tell me, Sadie? You forgot my phone number, maybe? After all,

…I'm only the grandmother. Why should you share a happy event with me? So, introduce me to your fiancey

RACHEL

David, this is Grammy Sylvia, my best friend in the whole world!

SADIE

And what am I? Chopped liver?

SYLVIA

Sadie dear, look at yourself as the pickled herring: always a hors d'oeuvre but never the main course. How many times have I told you that she always liked me better than you?

           SYLVIA hugs RACHEL

SADIE

Come again? Morty – you better tell her…

MORTY

Now ma, you know you shouldn't tease Sabie like that. You shtill ‘aven't tol' us why you here

SYLVIA

Your sister, Elaine, went on a cruise so I landed up here on your doorstep. That cheapskate husband of hers didn't even pay for my fare. I tell you – nobody has respect for the aged anymore. In my days…

SADIE

Will you be honoring us with your presence for a long time, she asked, afraid of the answer?

MORTY

She jus' got here f-fur crying out loud. You-you can shtay for has l-long has you wan, ma

                    

           MORTY gets up to get another drink and SYLVIA

           quickly takes his place

SADIE

Don't sit there ma!

SYLVIA

You want I should stand all night or maybe I should leave, better? I'm a weak, old woman…my legs don't hold me up any more. Oy! The pain! Starts in my big toe and travels all the way up my hip and stays there! Soon I'll need a wheelchair! Pain is my constant companion!

MORTY      

           Rushing over to pull chair away

 Trust me ma, you don't wanna shit on that

SADIE

Weak like a bull! Rachel honey, go get your grammy a chair from the kitchen. Morty sweetheart, you don't look comfortable. Wouldn't you prefer to drink…sit in your favorite armchair over there, so you can relax?

           RACHEL EXITS

MORTY

But…I wanna be able to…to…talk wid eberyone…

SADIE

I'm sure we can sacrifice your…witty observations of life, so that you can be comfortable!

           MORTY staggers to the armchair

                       

SYLVIA

The truth is you really don't want me to join your dinner party, do you. Don't worry 'bout old Sylvia. She'll watch television upstairs, all alone in her room, listening to everyone laughing and having a good time. Excuse me, people, for bothering you…it's past my bed time…just get me a glass for my teeth, Sadie, and I'll get out of your way

Starts to get up

MORTY

You know you're alwaysh welcome and you'll shtay 'ere to celbrate wid ush!

           RACHEL enters with chair; MORTY follows her

SADIE        

           Places TV tray in front of MORTY

MORTY Cont'd. Absolutely! There's nothing I love more than a visit from your mother. Almost as much as an appointment with the dentist. Set a place for your bubie, Rachel

MORTY

         

           Attempts to sit in armchair but jerks to an

           standing position, waving arms as he speaks

Shadie mape her besh dish tonight, ma. Roast ducky in orange sauce, wiv orange booze

SYLVIA

Duck? I couldn't possibly eat that! Too fat and it's bad for my cholester-ail

MORTY

Couldn't you gib her shomething else?

           MORTY teeters over to SADIE, tries to kiss

           her on the cheek but she pulls away

SADIE

Oh something springs to mind alright, but I could get arrested for homicide

RACHEL       

           Moves a chair in back of SYLVIA, who sits down

I'm sure you could find something for grammy, mom, couldn't you?

SADIE

I'll go check what I have in the fridge. How 'bout a cheese sandwich, ma?

SYLVIA

It's low fat, I hope?

           SADIE EXITS

…Where's your manners! Don't be so rude Morty and introduce me to your guests

           MORTY is drinking another glass of liquor

           at the bar

MORTY

Meet Dabid's parents, Lee-oree and Ch-Charmie Skybird

SYLVIA

So, what do you think of my granddaughter? Is she not a beauty?

LENOR

You have a lovely granddaughter, Sylvia. And what do you think of our David?

SYLVIA

Seems like a nice catch but he makes a living for my Rachel? She's used to good things!

LENOR

He's a corporate lawyer with a very good practice

SYLVIA

He's a partner in the firm, maybe?

LENOR

I'm sure that will happen in the future. After all – he's got all the right ingredients – a good family background…

           SADIE RE-ENTERS

SADIE

Has my mother in law been telling you all the family secrets? Here's your cheese sandwich, ma, with low-fat dressing, just like you asked. Now close your mouth…and enjoy!

SYLVIA

So where's the lettuce? Salad greens are good for my constipation

 LENOR

I'm definitely getting a migraine!

 SADIE

(bowing)

Any particular kind…iceberg,romaine…bib…? Your wish is my command your majesty…I mean, Sylvia

           SADIE EXITS

SYLVIA

Rachel sweetheart, bring me my small suitcase. I have all my medication inside

 

           SADIE RE-ENTERS

SADIE

So what pills are you taking these days or do you have one of everything?

SYLVIA

With all my conditions, they're so many. This is for my vangina and this is for…

SADIE

…thank you for sharing, but I'm sure our guests aren't interested in all your pills

SYLVIA

I'll be at the wedding as long as my vangina doesn't act up but you never know

MORTY

How c-come n-n-nobody tol' me you 'ad am…vam-gi-na? I-I'm the son!

SADIE

Do you feel up to cutting us some more duck, dear?

           MORTY stands up and teeters over to the table.

           He grabs the carving fork, thrusts it in the

           duck and hacks away

Morty…dearest, the duck is dead already! There's no reason to keep stabbing it!

           LENOR takes her napkin and wipes her dress.

           SADIE distributes plates of duck. When MORTY

           takes his portion, he lifts the plate to his

           lips and drinks; LENOR is horrified

MORTY

My Shabie makes the bes' gravy! You-you make dood guck, honey-bunny

 SYLVIA

Did I mention I mixed up my medication and ended up in the hospital emergency room? I could'a died, y’know! Rachel dear, bring me my blood pressure thing-ie like a good girl

 SADIE

No such luck - I mean, isn't it dangerous taking your own blood pressure? You could over pump and then… Why don't you let me do that for you?

 

           MORTY puts on TV and an

           ear-piercing screech comes from the TV.

           Everyone jumps in response

MORTY

Look ad dat! My faborit all-time mooooomie is playing on our big screen TV too – Night of the Living Dead. Reminds me of our supper tonight…just a joke

SADIE

Thank you for sharing, sweetheart…

MORTY

Don'chu love zombies? They scare me shi-…

SADIE

- dearest, shouldn't you close the TV when we have guests?

MORTY

Why? We could all watch it togevver. Shabie – go make some popcorn for eberyone

 SYLVIA

Let him watch his movie! It bothers you? You always were a fun killer

SADIE

I think you should close the TV – NOW – and we'll discuss this later, dearest?

RACHEL

You start clearing the table, mom, and let me take care of grammy

 

           SADIE clears the table of dishes

SADIE

Morty dearest, be a darling and help me?

MORTY gets up but loses his balance and falls backward on the broken chair, which collapses under his weight

SYLVIA

You gave him that chair on purpose, didn't you Sadie? Don't think I'm not on to you trying to collect on his insurance. Your wife wants to trade you in for a new model, Morty. Better leave now while you still can!

SADIE

Oh God! She's over-medicated herself again

           SADIE EXITS

SYLVIA

You could have married Roseanne Epstein and her family would have given you the world. She was crazy for you, Morty, and I hear she's divorced from her third husband. It's never to late to find real love

RACHEL

You're such a kidder, grammy! She loves pretending to hate mom, don't you?

           SYLVIA looks away and doesn't answer

What a joker!

MORTY

(getting up from sitting on floor)

Shabie is my one and only true love! We m-may not be rich in dollars b-but my Sadie has a lot of sense. Get it? Dollars…cents…?

           SADIE re-enters holding a cake with sparklers

           on top

SADIE

Morty…sweetheart, why don't you give your mouth a rest…I mean, relax and watch your movie. You've had a long day but not half as long as this evening has been

CHARLES

Wow! That's some cake! I bet it tastes as good as it looks

MORTY

You outdone myself, my sweet bon-bon!

DAVID

You baked this for us? It must have taken you hours

SADIE

It was just a little something I whipped up

MORTY

My Shadie is good at whipping things, aren't you my little pickle?

SADIE

Who wants coffee and who wants tea?

LENOR

Nothing for me since both keep me up at night

SYLVIA

I know exactly where you're coming from Leoree. Drinking liquids before I go to bed makes me pee all night too! Sometimes I think I spend more time in the bathroom than I do in bed

LENOR

Charles dear, we really must leave now. My migraine is getting quite intense      

           LENOR stands up

Sadie, it's been wonderful meeting you and Monty…

CHARLES

We have to have a slice of this special cake Sadie made or she'll be insulted. Won't you Sadie? Just a little sliver…please?

 

           LENOR sit down again

 LENOR

Remember your cholesterol, dear…

SYLVIA

…you too? What pill are you taking for that? Wanna see all mine?

LENOR

I'll take half of the sliver you gave Charles

CHARLES

Now this is what I call a supper. Everything was perfect. Why don't share your recipes with Lenor? Anything is better than the grass we eat

LENOR

We really must leave dearest. I have a busy schedule tomorrow. Call me Sadie

MORTY

But… arem't… you… Lenor? If you…you wam me to call you Shabie, than Shabie it’ll be. I got a g-good idea! I'll call Shabie, Lemor, and Le-le-more, Shabie!

STORM WARNING - SCENE 11

One more scene from one of the plays I'm working on. Actually, I see this more as a film script but we'll see where it goes as it progresses. Quite pleased so far.

STORM WARNING  - SCENE II

 

LEONARD
What is this? Move away and let us pass

CONDUCTOR

Please don’t create problems for me

LEONARD

All we wanna do is stretch our legs. Nothing more and for whatever reason, you won’t let us

CONDUCTOR

No can do

 LEONARD

This is absolutely ridiculous. You can't force us to stay here without a good reason. I’m going to walk, like it or not

MARY

Me too!

CONDUCTOR

(bending over and speaking softly)
I strongly advise you to stay put

LEONARD

Or what? Sorry pal – you gotta provide more information than vague hints and warnings

CONDUCTOR

Don’t ask me more questions that I can’t answer. Look - lemme see what I can do but you gotta wait 'til I get back

MARY

My knees are really painful. Can an old lady at least stand up and take a few steps? Arthritis and all

CONDUCTOR

A few steps but no long walks

MARY

Promise. Anyway, where d'ya think I'm gonna go?

LEONARD

I got news for you, bud. I ain’t got any intention of staying put. You’re really over-reacting to a simple request of taking a small walk through the train

CONDUCTOR

Okay...keep this to yourself. You didn't hear it from me but rumor has it that a passenger has died

MARY

What does this have to do with us? These things happen all the time. We promise we’ll stay away from wherever they’re keeping his body

CONDUCTOR
I mean, could be just a rumor but even if it was true, I wouldn’t be allowed to say, Company rules and all that. They entrust employees to be tactful when the need arises

LEONARD
You do realize you make no sense, whatsoever. Why even tell us in the first place?

CONDUCTOR
Like I said, can't really...

LEONARD
...we know. Share any information...

LEONARD
Why all the mystery? You'd think there was some VIP travelling on the train or something

(Conductor stays quiet for 10 seconds)

LEONARD (cont'd)
Seriously? Somebody important on board, travelling by train no less?

CONDUCTOR
Look - I was told that we'll be delayed in Timmersville. That's all I can tell you right now.

(CONDUCTOR hurries off)

LEONARD

Weird. The guy was really nervous. Kept wiping the top of his lip. If it was a heart attack or normal causes, he wouldn’t bother telling us

MARY
Trying out detective skills, are we?

LEONARD
(staring out of the window)
That’s what you get from hanging out with reporters.  Kind’a rubs off on a person.  Well…well… police are getting on now. This is more than a heart attack for sure.

MARY
Could be you’re right

LEONARD
We're never gonna find out anything sitting here. Don't know 'bout you but I hav'ta use the bathroom and it just so happens to be located down at the end of the car...

MARY
My old knees are stiff and a little walk works wonders for them. They wouldn't stop an old lady with arthritis from a short stroll. I

LEONARD
And if we both happen to overhear something...

MARY
Right...

Playwright ponders her plays

Right now, people reading this are probably saying to themselves, "Eleanor hasn't given us any updates on her plays. I'd love to know how things are going with her." Okay - maybe the last sentence is a bit presumptuous on my part but maybe there are persons 'out there' who are curious.

Actually, I've been focusing a lot of my effort searching for a new literary address for my "babies." This includes cyber queries as to whether they would be welcome, to be followed by the actual execution (sounds so macabre) of hitting the 'send' key taking the plays on their cyber journeys. Waiting to receive news and/or updates on their suitability is stressful especially since theatres frequently restrict their responses to playwrights with plays in which they have an interest. It somehow doesn't seem logical to send a follow up if, say, there has been no response for a lengthy period of time. Then again, perhaps a reminder could be helpful:


"Dear blah-blah,

You might not remember me but five years ago (maybe more), I submitted my play to you/your theater/your literary manager. Having never heard back, I'm wondering if perhaps you never received it or somehow, it got deleted in your files (these things happen). Let me know if you'd like me to re-send the play and I'd be happy to oblige.

Yours in waiting,

Eleanor
(P.S. I'd very much appreciate it if you could advise me as to which play I sent you, since my cat did a dance on my keyboard and lost many of my files).


In as far as the plays themselves, I'm reviewing the content of "Retribution" with the intent of submitting it to an interesting competition. At the half-way point, I've made some minor changes but still very pleased with the overall content. The subject matter definitely isn't for everybody but the play itself  is a riveting drama.

Haven't read "Old Soldiers" since receiving the rejection advisement notice a few months ago. I had a gut feeling that it was on its way but it didn't make its reception any easier. A bit of ranting and raving occurred for a day or two followed by avowing to re-write. Thing is with rejection notices, rarely is there an accompanying explanation as to the reasons for the refusal, consequently there is always the nagging question as to why and what went wrong. In any case, time for a re-evaluation and the dastardly re-write(s) that will follow. It will require a complete overhaul having been written for radio and we'll have to see whether it's even feasible to turn it into a play. Some characters will have to be dropped in addition to scene changes and adaptations.

The newest playwriting project, "Storm Warning" is on the front burner. I've completed four scenes and I'm thinking some character sketches are required to define the purpose of everyone and where they fit into the story line.

One of my oldie but definitely good play, "Dead Writes" parts of which I've shared here in this blog, requires finishing. Actually, it needs a middle before it can be ended. A comedy, the play has been started and abandoned a number of times. Maybe not "abandoned" since this implies finality. Let's say - put to rest in cyber space for periods.  No particular reason other than I became distracted with other projects.

Finally, I'm toying with idea of writing a play based on a young teenage girl and her experiences growing up in the 1960's, while attending high school. Let's just say it's something I know about intimately. First though it back to work on Old Soldiers...maybe Dead Writes should be a priority since it's an older play...then again, Storm Warning is a fun challenge... Procrastination thy name is Eleanor.

WORTHY MENTIONS DEPT.

A "heads up" on an opening night.  "Belle Soeurs: The Musical" by well-known Montreal playwright, Michel Tremblay, starts tomorrow and runs until November 9, at the Segal Centre theatre in Montreal. Tremblay who writes in French, has had his plays translated into English and this production differs this time round in that it is a musical. Definitely worth attending. Break a leg wishes extended to all involved.
http://www.segalcentre.org/whats-on/upcoming-events/theatre-3/segal-theatre/belles-soeurs-the-musical/

ZOO DIARY - part 11

 

SCENE: CITY ZOO. MORNING

Our story so far: a  small zoo that is experiencing financial problems, has been seeking ways to cut back. The zoo denizens, aware of the situation, have been discussing the situation and seeking ways to ensure that they are not adversely affected.

 

The zoo opens to visitors as usual. The animals of the zoo, which has fallen on hard times, make the usual animal sounds that visitors expect them to make


CHILD VISITOR

Look mom – a zebra! How many stripes do you think it has?

 

MOM

Who knows. A lot for sure

 

CHILD

A trillion? Can I feed him, mom?

 

MOM

We don’t feed the zoo animals, sweetie. They have keepers who do that

ZEBRA
(to himself)

Could'a fooled me

 

CHILD

But…there’s a machine here with zebra food. All you have to do is put in some money and food falls out

 

MOM

Let’s see...five dollars to feed a zebra? Um…perhaps another time

 

CHILD

But mom – we only come here once in a while. He looks like he’s hungry. His bones are sticking out on his side

ZEBRA
(to himself)

Listen to your son, mom. Better give them my sunken, sad-eyes look

CHILD
He looks really sad

 

MOM

Five dollars is a bit too much, sweetheart. Why don’t we go see the other animals

 

ZEBRA

Um…excuse me, lady. May I interject here?

 

CHILD

Look! The zebra speaks just like we do

 

MOM

Don’t be silly. Zebras don’t talk…

 

CHILD

But…I heard it with my own ears

 

MOM

There’s probably a speaker hidden somewhere in the cage. Zebras don’t talk. Let’s move along…

 

ZEBRA

They do when the situation calls for it and this qualifies. May I have your ear for a moment? I don't mean for lunch or anything although it does look appealing. Just a little levity to ease this dire situation

 

MOM

Okay. You got me. Is it on the zebra itself? Where'd you hide the speaker?

 

(she searches the cage)

 

 

 ZEBRA

Really – there are no speakers. We’ve always had this ability but kept it quiet because that’s what humans expect of zebras. Listen lady -  why don’t you give your son five dollars for the feeding machine?

 

MOM

I’ll bite. This is one of those TV shows where you catch people off guard, right? I’m not forking over five dollars because it’s too-much-money. Got that, TV people?

 

ZEBRA

See…thing is – the zoo has fallen on hard times and consequently has cut back on the amount of food we get. Look at my rib cage. Mere skin and bones. I’m really hungry! The last time I had a decent meal was breakfast yesterday. Give the kid five bucks. Please! Unless you want the slow but certain demise of a zebra on your conscience

 

MOM

(laughing)

What next? When will the program be on, anyway? We might be on TV, sweetie!

 

ZEBRA

(shaking its head sadly)

Yeah – you’re right on. There’s somebody manipulating my mouth. The producer is telling me now that they need some visuals of you putting money in the machine and feeding me for the show

 

MOM

Surrrre!

 (opens purse, takes out five dollars and enters it in the slot. She smiles broadly)

 

I’ll go along. See? 'Putting five dollars in the machine.' Here honey – feed the zebra

 

(boy feeds food to the zebra who gobbles it up immediately)

 

What’s the name of the TV show, anyway?

 

ZEBRA

‘Desperation’ but you might find it difficult to find in your TV listings.

 

MOM

We’ll look for it. Let’s go see the cheetahs now, honey

 

(the mother and her child move along. A rat enters the zebra cage)

 

RAT

So how’d it go?

 

ZEBRA

Managed to get something but it was a hard sell, let me tell you!

 

RAT

Did you do your usual tap dance routine or stand there staring at them and looking pathetic?

 

ZEBRA

Neh. Told them they were part of a TV show and that the producers wanted images of them feeding me

SOUND: Cheetah roaring

RAT

Heard that they're thinking of doubling up animals in cages to save space. Cheetah told me yesterday that he's willing to share his cage with you

ZEBRA

Oh I'm sure he'd love that

 RAT

You never told me we were gonna be on TV. Gotta go spread the word to the rest of the animals. What’s the name of the program, anyway?

 

ZEBRA

It's not real…I only said that to… Desperation. The name of the show is Desperation

 

RAT

Desperation?

 

ZEBRA

Indeed


(to be continued)