In this is an excerpt, which takes place somewhere between heaven and hell, how things work and given the guidelines to her assignment. My apologies regarding the formatting transferring the contents from Word.
DEAD WRITES
SCENE 111
TIME: NEW YEARS DAY
SCENE: Somewhere between heaven and hell – a
holding zone. Organ music is playing
AT RISE: FELICIA & her guide, JOSIAH, discuss her future - and responsibilities
FELICIA
This is just friggin' great!
Sorry. New Years Day and I'm stuck here in no-man's
land! This feels more like…the other place
JOSIAH
(appearing suddenly)
Heaven is a state of mind, my dear. Really, you
should forget about those earthly vices
FELICIA
Know what I'd be doing if I hadn't croaked? I'd be
sitting in my usual booth at The Flamingo Lounge toasting in the new year, with
the gang from "The Sentinal." Right now, we'd probably be uncorking a
fresh bottle of scotch, inhaling the fumes and clinking our glasses together,
toasting every major story we broke. And let me tell you - there were a lot of
'em! Yup, yup, yup…lots of good juicy ones!
JOSIAH
Nobody is denying that you weren't good at your
profession. It's your methods at question, here
FELICIA
It wasn't easy, 'ya know. There were pressures and
if scotch helped me deal with them –who'd it hurt? Oh God….
SFX: loud thunder clap
JOSIAH
(looking up)
…of course…she understands. Please, please Felicia dear, choose
your words more carefully
FELICIA
If I had only known -
JOSIAH
- you probably would have lived your life the exact
same way. It's not the first time we've worked with you. In fact, there were
many, many times before this one
FELICIA
Are you telling me that I've been here, done that,
before?
JOSIAH
We've been sending you back in the hope that you
learn your life lesson. You've been close but as you say on earth, no cigar. At
least not yet
FELICIA
If you'd tell me what I'm supposed to learn, maybe
I could fix it
JOSIAH
Were it only that easy. You alone have to find that
out for yourself
FELICIA
How was I supposed to know things would be held
against me in my next life? 'Ya think I expected to die?
JOSIAH
People think they're going to live forever and then
– poof! You suddenly find yourselves in this state!
FELICIA
Listen, where are those gates everyone talks about?
It's all a lie, isn't it?
JOSIAH
There are gates everywhere, but not visible to you being that you're not ready to enter. Hopefully, you'll learn your way through this time. Consider this place a sort-of… holding position. 'May I have Felicia Pembroke's review?'
(File drops down)
Let's see now…
FELICIA
Hell – how many more times do we have to review my
life?
SFX:
THUNDERCLAP
JOSIAH
(looking up)
'I'm so sorry SIR.
Believe me, it won't happen again. She knows, she knows! Forgive her SIR, she's a newcomer!'
Aside
to FELICIA: You must
watch your language! The last thing you need now, is to offend the HTM
FELICIA
HTM?
grabbing a sheet of paper that
floats down
I must make a point not to use initials when
talking to newcomers. Head Team Leader?
The "ultimate" head team
leader, if you get my drift. Let me see
here …at their last meeting, there still appears to be a split amongst the
celestial gate-keepers. The score is five for and five against. A veritable tie
FELICIA
This is just typical. I can't even die right like
other people. I wasn't that… bad. So I lived a little hard and fast, but my
heart was in the right place. I always gave to the Police Benefit and the
Adopt-a-Pet Funds! That ought'ta count
for something. There hast'a be a way I can get in than having to work with
Chloe
JOSIAH
As I recall, you made a promise
FELICIA
You're not gonna hold me to that! I was traumatized
at seeing my body in a casket. Now that I think about it, I haven't looked that
good since can't remember when
JOSIAH
You assured me that you were willing to do anything
to redeem your soul and your entry is conditional based on this covenant. The
young lady in question needs your guidance to make it as a reporter, and her
future is dependent on your help
FELICIA
This is some deal you're offering. If I refuse, it's a black mark against my
record and I can't even take a sauna without passing out from the heat. She – I
mean dear, dear, Chloe - can't spell to save herself, and let's not even talk
about grammar. What she does to the English language would make Shakespeare
turn over in his grave
JOSIAH
I happen to know personally, that The Bard is not
offended by the well-intentioned efforts of young people. I think you've got
what it takes to help her, if you can control those negative qualities
FELICIA
Let's get going. No time like the present to start
JOSIAH
There are some facts you should know about your
life on earth, now
FELICIA
What's to know? I follow her around and give her
advice. How we going down, this time?
JOSIAH
There will be some temptations that you would have
to deal with
FELICIA
Like?
JOSIAH
Qualities that are left over from your earth life that could lead you astray
FELICIA
Don't worry 'bout me. Nothing or no one is going to
stop me from getting it right, this time
JOSIAH
Felicia, my dear, please be aware of your reason
for returning to earth
FELICIA
I'm gonna succeed, no matter what it takes. Are we
ready to leave now?
JOSIAH
But...whatever. It's your funeral. Oh dear...I'm so witty
lately
FELICIA
Don't I get a set of wings or something, to travel?
I always wondered how those things work but I'm a fast learner anyway…
JOSIAH
Around here, wings have to be earned. Let me remind
you that you've got one foot upstairs and the other is in a place we'll not
mention, so in the end, it's all up to you. Give me your hand…
FELICIA takes JOSIAH's hand
FELICIA
There's no place like home, Auntie Em, there's no
place like home…
They disappear in a cloud of smoke and re-emerge in
FELICIA's former office
Hey - she's sitting at my desk no less! I'm gone barely a day and already she's taken over
JOSIAH
Remember that nobody can see or hear you except me and soon young Chloe there will be privy to your voice
bell rings continuously
(staring
upwards) 'Yes SIR... another meeting? But SIR…'
Aside
to FELICIA Another
meeting to attend – they never end in the true sense of the word! I'm leaving you now with the understanding
you'll offer any and all your help to her. If you want to climb that stairway
to heaven, you're gonna have to do it step by step. Those words are so appropriate…must add that to my heavenly harp composition. Good luck (looks up), 'Yes SIR, I'm coming…'
JOSIAH disappears
FELICIA
Don't leave! How am I supposed to talk to this dumb…
Josiah? Damn him!
SFX: Loud thunder-clap
Sor-ry! Hard to break long time habits
approaches CHLOE's desk
Well, well, well! If it's not my pal Chloe! Hey
kid, anyone ever tell you that you can't punctuate to save yourself? Shoot –
this is great!
SFX: Loud thunder-clap
FELICIA looks up
Alright already! I get your point!
CHLOE
CHLOE is absorbed in staring at the
computer screen
Is somebody in the office? You're scaring me!
FELICIA
You can hear me?
CHLOE
(whirling around)
Oh Lord…this is not possible! I've been
over-working. Yes. That's it. I'll go home after writing this story and take a
hot shower…
FELICIA
It's me. How's the 'puter working? I miss the old
thing
CHLOE
(to herself)
This isn't real. I wa-was at Felicia's funeral last
week, and I saw them put her in the ground! Gotta ask for some time off…I'm
hallucinating
FELICIA
Oh pleeze! Don't be so over-dramatic! I'm dead! So
what's the big thing?
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