Elvis – The Real StoryBy Eleanor Tylbor
CAST OF CHARACTERS
LEN 40-something husband of Tammy
"THE" ELVIS, former big star/singer/performer
TAMMY and LEN, two customers, are seated at a table looking around the room
(Scrutinizing the surroundings)
Um…who recommended this place?
The restaurant guide write-up says it’s fine dining with a difference
Fine dining if you’re a rat! Did you happen to notice that a cockroach just crawled out of our bread basket? Must be one that escaped the Chef’s special catch-of-the-day
Stop being so negative and take in the atmosphere
You mean the aromatic scent of “eau du trash” coming from the back? Phee-ew!
You’re so…so…provincial in your thinking, sweetheart. It's about this authentic ‘60’s décor that gives the place its special caché!
More like early condemned. Every square inch of wall space is covered with faded Elvis photos and the man’s been dead for how many years?
That's the beauty of this place! It’s like a shrine devoted to “The King.” It's all too…wonderful
Are you saying that this…this gas station and three table diner was the King of Rock and Roll’s eatery of choice? Not!
For your information they say he used to eat fried chicken here and sometimes he even entertained diners
If I had known we were coming here to eat, I’d have checked to make sure my insurance policy was paid up
You know how long I hadda wait to get reservations for this restaurant…
…obviously not long enough…
…seven months! If you think I’m going to give up the chance to dine here…
…and a fine dining establishment it is – if you’re into salmonella poisoning
Get a grip! The waiter is coming so try to act normal, if that’s possible
the waiter dressed in an Elvis jumpsuit struts over, swinging his hips in a
typical Elvis-like walk. He smoothes the sides of his hair with his hands,
(swinging his hips between every word)
Evening folks’. Need a menu? Uh-huh – oh yeah…
No. We prefer to use ESP to order. Of course we need a menu!
Don’t mind my husband – I don’t. Leave the menu here and we’ll choose
So tacky. All the dishes are Elvis songs. 'Be-bop-a-lu-la' chicken wings…' The 'Love Me Tender' t-bone looks questionable and it comes with fries that are probably a couple months old and a 'I Did It My Way' salad. Look at this: says here on the menu that all their steaks are aged to perfection. Yesterday's road-kill most likely
Have you considered that your cranial spark plugs have stopped kicking in? I can’t make up my mind – so many choices…
the waiter comes over to take the order
Are all those dishes served a la carte?
No – on a plate. Uh-huh…
Just choose something already
Want me to come back, folks? Uh-huh…
Ssshhh! Quiet! The shows is gonna begin
SOUND: GUITAR TWANG
I don’t see why we hav’ta be quiet. Cheez – I can hear the sound of someone pumping gas outside, not to mention the smell. Mind you, it's hard to tell the difference between the food and the gas
(The song from “2001: A Space Odyssey” is heard and the waiter now dressed
in a mechanic’s uniform on the other side of the room walks in front of the
counter holding a hand mic.)
“For your entertainment and pllllea-sure, the King has entered the building!”
A very over-weight man dressed in a white jump suit enters, stopping to pose while leaning on a cane. A wide belt hangs well below a sagging stomach; black aviator glasses cover his eyes and a badly-fitting black wig sits lob-sided towards the front of his head
“Direct from his engagement at the luxurious Pink Flamingo Laundromat and Bank Drive Thru in Tijuana, Mex-i-co, the management of Jackson’s 7/11 and Diner is proud to present, “the” King of Rock’n’Roll himself, the one – the only – El-vis!”
A bent over Elvis slowly makes his way to the other side of the room. He stoops over to kiss Len, who pushes him way
“Whoops – sorry. Gotta get my eyes checked
he whips out a dirty handkerchief, spits on it and cleans his eyes and replaces it in a back pocket
(in weak squeaky voice)
Thank y’all very much! It’s the first time I been back this way goin’ on twenty years…or maybe it’s thirty…could be forty… Anyway… Good t'see y’all ain’t fergetten the King
whips out his handkerchief again and blows his nose
Guess I ain’t the same Elvis you remember a ways back, huh? But then who is?
starts coughing and choking. Scantily dresses nurses rush over to pat him on
See? I still got it but now I don’t know what to do with it! Thank y’all very much… Listen ladies – go see if you can find my extra set of dentures that I left in a steak yesterday.
starts to choke again and a well-endowed female doctor wearing tight fitting
clothing enters, with a stethoscope draped around her neck
Now Mr. Elvis – honey – you know y'all gotta take it easy. Your ticker ain’t what it used to be
(laughing and staring at her breasts)
Yeah but ask me if I care. Thank you all very much. And now I’m gonna sing you a personal favourite of mine…at least I think it's a favorite...what's the name of the song now...nobody help me - it'll come back ...
Elvis sings the first few lines of “My Way” completely off-key
(starting to get up)
Oh fer… We’re not gonna stay and listen to this…
Sound of tires squeaking to a stop and the slam of car doors
Uh-oh…they’re coming back…I knew they’d find me… Damn aliens!
Two males wearing white outfits move on either side of Elvis and take
C’mon pops. You got another gig at the Sunnyvale Nursing Home
But…but…I ain’t finished my set, yet!
(shaking his head and winking at Len and Tammy)
You don’t wanna be late for your big entrance.
Where’s my peanut butter and banana sandwich. I caint sing without it!
Here you are…
the two men start to lead Elvis off the stage but Elvis stops and addresses the
Thank you all very much!
Elvis walks over, signs a piece of paper and hands it to Len and then exits with the men
That was not “the” Elvis Presley now, was it? You got us here under false pretences. And that’s against the law, y’know!
The guy is over 80 years old. Whad’ya expect? He’s got two hip replacements, a bad knee and now all that shaking he does is the real thing, poor guy. By the way, know that piece of paper he handed you?
I really couldn’t care less about the man’s autograph… In fact this is what I think of you AND your Elvis
LEN rips up the piece of paper into small pieces
You shouldn’t have done that. Uh-uh…
Elvis my a-s-s!
That piece of paper would’a given you a free tank of gas with your meal. Oh well…uh-huh…
Len throws himself down on the floor picking up the pieces of paper trying to put them together
A tank of gas is a tank of gas is…
“The King has left the building”
(on his knees scooping up pieces of paper frantically)
Hang on a minute. I can stick these pieces together… Help me Tammy – at the price of gas these days…
©Eleanor Tylbor, 2009