Elvis - the Real Story...maybe

A year-long celebration to commemorate Elvis Presley's first professional recording on July 5, 1954, is set to take place on Independence Day weekend in Memphis and Graceland. There are people who believe that "the King" is still alive and that he planned his disappearance. So let's say that this was the case and that a very old Elvis is living in anonymity, somewhere, but makes rare appearances at nondescript venues like gas station diners to relive the good, old days.

Elvis – The Real Story

                                                      By Eleanor Tylbor

 

 CAST OF CHARACTERS

 

TAMMY        40-something avid Elvis fan and wife of Len
LEN                40-something husband of Tammy
"THE" ELVIS, former big star/singer/performer

 

THE TIME
The present

 THE PLACE

Jackson’s 7-11 GAS BAR AND DINER

 

Photos of Elvis cover a large portion of one wall; Elvis songs play none-stop. There are a few tables with chairs on one side of the room, while the other side of the room has the usual gas station products and displays of motor oil, etc.

 AT RISE:

 TAMMY and LEN, two customers, are seated at a table looking around the room

LEN

(Scrutinizing the surroundings)

Um…who recommended this place?

 

 TAMMY

(reading book)

The restaurant guide write-up says it’s fine dining with a difference

 

LEN

Fine dining if you’re a rat! Did you happen to notice that a cockroach just crawled out of our bread basket? Must be one that escaped the Chef’s special catch-of-the-day

 

TAMMY

Stop being so negative and take in the atmosphere

 

LEN

You mean the aromatic scent of “eau du trash” coming from the back? Phee-ew!

 

TAMMY

You’re so…so…provincial in your thinking, sweetheart. It's about this authentic ‘60’s décor that gives the place its special caché!

 

LEN

More like early condemned. Every square inch of wall space is covered with faded Elvis photos and the man’s been dead for how many years?

 

TAMMY

That's the beauty of this place! It’s like a shrine devoted to “The King.” It's all too…wonderful

 

LEN

Are you saying that this…this gas station and three table diner was the King of Rock and Roll’s eatery of choice? Not!

 

TAMMY

For your information they say he used to eat fried chicken here and sometimes he even entertained diners

 

LEN

If I had known we were coming here to eat, I’d have checked to make sure my insurance policy was paid up

 

TAMMY

You know how long I hadda wait to get reservations for this restaurant…

 

LEN

…obviously not long enough…

 

 

TAMMY

…seven months! If you think I’m going to give up the chance to dine here…

 

LEN

…and a fine dining establishment it is – if you’re into salmonella poisoning

 

TAMMY

Get a grip! The waiter is coming so try to act normal, if that’s possible

               the waiter dressed in an Elvis jumpsuit struts over, swinging his hips in a

              typical Elvis-like walk. He smoothes the sides of his hair with his hands,

             frequently

 

WAITER

(swinging his hips between every word)

Evening folks’. Need a menu? Uh-huh – oh yeah…

 

LEN

No. We prefer to use ESP to order. Of course we need a menu!

 

TAMMY

Don’t mind my husband – I don’t. Leave the menu here and we’ll choose

 

LEN

So tacky. All the dishes are Elvis songs. 'Be-bop-a-lu-la' chicken wings…' The 'Love Me Tender' t-bone looks questionable and it comes with fries that are probably a couple months old and a 'I Did It My Way' salad. Look at this: says here on the menu that all their steaks are aged to perfection. Yesterday's road-kill most likely

 

TAMMY

Have you considered that your cranial spark plugs have stopped kicking in? I can’t make up my mind – so many choices…

 

               the waiter comes over to take the order

 

LEN

Are all those dishes served a la carte?

 

WAITER

(swinging hips)

No – on a plate. Uh-huh…

 

TAMMY

Just choose something already

 

WAITER

Want me to come back, folks? Uh-huh…

 

                                                                                                            LIGHTS DIM

 

TAMMY

Ssshhh! Quiet! The shows is gonna begin

 

                                                                                            SOUND: GUITAR TWANG

 

LEN

I don’t see why we hav’ta be quiet. Cheez – I can hear the sound of someone pumping gas outside, not to mention the smell. Mind you, it's hard to tell the difference between the food and the gas

 

              (The song from “2001: A Space Odyssey” is heard and the waiter now dressed

              in a mechanic’s uniform on the other side of the room walks in front of the

             counter holding a hand mic.)

 

VOICE OVER

“For your entertainment and pllllea-sure, the King has entered the building!”

 A very over-weight man dressed in a white jump suit enters, stopping to pose while leaning on a cane. A wide belt hangs well below a sagging stomach; black aviator glasses cover his eyes and a badly-fitting black wig sits lob-sided towards the front of his head

(VOICE-OVER)

“Direct from his engagement at the luxurious Pink Flamingo Laundromat and Bank Drive Thru in Tijuana, Mex-i-co, the management of Jackson’s 7/11 and Diner is proud to present, “the” King of Rock’n’Roll himself, the one – the only – El-vis!”

 

A bent over Elvis slowly makes his way to the other side of the room. He stoops  over to kiss Len, who pushes him way

 

ELVIS

“Whoops – sorry. Gotta get my eyes checked

 

he whips out a dirty handkerchief, spits on it and cleans his eyes and replaces it in a back pocket

 

ELVIS

(in weak squeaky voice)

Thank y’all very much! It’s the first time I been back this way goin’ on twenty years…or maybe it’s thirty…could be forty… Anyway… Good t'see y’all ain’t fergetten the King

              whips out his handkerchief again and blows his nose

 

ELVIS

Guess I ain’t the same Elvis you remember a ways back, huh? But then who is?

 

              starts coughing and choking. Scantily dresses nurses rush over to pat him on

             the back

 

ELVIS

See? I still got it but now I don’t know what to do with it! Thank y’all very much… Listen ladies – go see if you can find my extra set of dentures that I left in a steak yesterday.

 

              starts to choke again and a well-endowed female doctor wearing tight fitting

             clothing enters, with a stethoscope draped around her neck

 

DOCTOR

Now Mr. Elvis – honey – you know y'all gotta take it easy. Your ticker ain’t what it used to be

 

 

ELVIS

(laughing and staring at her breasts)

Yeah but ask me if I care. Thank you all very much. And now I’m gonna sing you a personal favourite of mine…at least I think it's a favorite...what's the name of the song now...nobody help me - it'll come back ...

 

              Elvis sings the first few lines of “My Way” completely off-key

 

LEN

(starting to get up)

Oh fer… We’re not gonna stay and listen to this…

 

              Sound of tires squeaking to a stop and the slam of car doors

 

ELVIS

Uh-oh…they’re coming back…I knew they’d find me… Damn aliens!

 

              Two males wearing white outfits move on either side of Elvis and take

              his arms

 

                                                                                                

MALE 1

C’mon pops. You got another gig at the Sunnyvale Nursing Home

 

ELVIS

But…but…I ain’t finished my set, yet!

 

MALE 1

(shaking his head and winking at Len and Tammy)

You don’t wanna be late for your big entrance.

 

ELVIS

Where’s my peanut butter and banana sandwich. I caint sing without it!

 

MALE 1

Here you are…

 

               the two men start to lead Elvis off the stage but Elvis stops and addresses the

              couple

ELVIS

Thank you all very much!

 

Elvis walks over, signs a piece of paper and hands it to Len and then exits with the men

 

LEN

(addressing waiter)

That was not “the” Elvis Presley now, was it? You got us here under false pretences. And that’s against the law, y’know!

 

WAITER

The guy is over 80 years old. Whad’ya expect? He’s got two hip replacements, a bad knee and now all that shaking he does is the real thing, poor guy. By the way, know that piece of paper he handed you?

 

LEN

I really couldn’t care less about the man’s autograph… In fact this is what I think of you AND your Elvis

               LEN rips up the piece of paper into small pieces

 

WAITER

You shouldn’t have done that. Uh-uh…

 

LEN

Elvis my a-s-s!

 

WAITER

That piece of paper would’a given you a free tank of gas with your meal. Oh well…uh-huh…

 

Len throws himself down on the floor picking up the pieces of paper trying to put them together

 

LEN

A tank of gas is a tank of gas is…

 

VOICE OVER

“The King has left the building”

 

LEN

(on his knees scooping up pieces of paper frantically)

Hang on a minute. I can stick these pieces together… Help me Tammy – at the price of gas these days…

 

 ©Eleanor Tylbor, 2009