PHONE TALK
SHORT PLAY/COMEDY SKETCH

by Eleanor Tylbor



SCENE: Cell phones ring. SELMA and ELAINE, two seniors, conduct their daily conversation with each other to discuss…life.

ELAINE
Hello? Selma?

SELMA
Who are you and how d’ya know my name?

ELAINE
Gee – just lucky I guess! Get real, woman! It’s me!

SELMA
You…who? I don’t speak to people with no name. Goodbye!

(SELMA hangs up. Phone rings again)

ELAINE
Why’d you hang up on me?

SELMA
You called? When did you call?

ELAINE
Just now. Selma – it was me who called!

SELMA
I thought the voice sounded familiar

ELAINE
Oh fer… You don’t recognize the voice of your sister after all these years? I mean, really

SELMA
You sounded different

ELAINE
(sniffing a few times)
That’s ‘cause I got a cold

SELMA
It is you, Elaine! Why didn’t you just say so?

ELAINE
I tried – God knows I tried! Moving right along…

SELMA

You're moving? You never told me!

ELAINE

(coughs)

I'm not moving. I meant...anyway

SELMA
You’re sick? Stay away from me!

ELAINE
I can always count on you to have a sympathetic ear. Listen – I gotta go put drops in my nose so I’ll call you back

SELMA
Are you sure you should be talking to me? I mean – you could spread germs through the phone. These days you never know. Don't take too long 'cause I'm going out

(Both hang up. Phones ring again)

SELMA
Hello?

ELAINE
It’s me again. Sorry – hadda take some new pills

SELMA
Oh? What kind?

SELMA
Go know! I take so many these days. Some for my sinus (she sniffs)…some for my throat (she coughs)… Yeah – lots of pills…

ELAINE
So what’s new?

SELMA
What could be new?

ELAINE
I dunno. That’s why I’m asking

(pause for 2 seconds)

SELMA
I lead a very boring life and most of it is spent in doctor’s waiting rooms

ELAINE
You? I have five appointments this week with five different doctors! Even they can’t find out what’s the matter with me

SELMA
Doctor Michaels sent me for tests, today

ELAINE
Your back?

SELMA
I never went away. Oh…you mean the problem with my crooked spine that pains me so badly? The pain, Elaine - the pain! What should I expect having Dr. Sadist treating me…that quack!

ELAINE
That’s a new doctor?

SELMA
That’s not his real name. I just call him that. He keeps prescribing me pills that don’t work. I tell him, ‘doctor – gimme something that works!’ but does he listen? You should never know such pain. I suffer Elaine – I suffer plennnnnty!

ELAINE
You think that I don’t know pain? My neck is so sore, I can’t turn my head anymore

SELMA
So? Look straight ahead. Nothing much happens on the sides anyway

ELAINE
I’m serious! The back doctor gave me some free pill samples to try but they don’t work

SELMA
What kind of pills?

ELAINE
Lemme think a minute…they’re yellow…phila…feeda…fadda…something like that. Anyway, what do you care? You don’t have back problems

SELMA
So what? Maybe they’d be good for my shoulder. (moaning) Ohhhhhhhh….such pain…

ELAINE
This is new. You never mentioned shoulder pain before. Maybe try acupuncture. Freda Smith tells me that she goes to that Swedish guy, Hans Offer and it worked miracles for her

SELMA
(laughing)
I’ve seen Offer and believe me – needles aren’t the only things he gives her if you know what I mean. Look at the time

ELAINE
You’ve got an appointment?

SELMA
That’s later. I’m off to the shopping mall. Big sale today

ELAINE
What about you shoulder…and your neck pain…

SELMA
What’s a little ache between the bargains. You know what they say – when the going gets tough – the tough go shopping. So you’ll be ready in 10 minutes?

ELAINE
Make it fifteen. And Selma – bring along some of those new yellow pills