SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
THE MISSING SOCK DILEMMA
by Eleanor Tylbor


SCENE: AT THE POLICE STATION: a woman walks in a police station, a large plastic bag in her hand. Person walks to the front desk.

POLICE OFFICER
Can I help you?

WOMAN
I want to report a robbery

POLICE OFFICER
Do you want to file a report?

WOMAN
You bet!

POLICE OFFICER
What type of a robbery? A break-in your house?

WOMAN
No

POLICE OFFICER
A purse snatching?

WOMAN
None of those

(she dumps bag of socks on to the counter/front desk)

POLICE OFFICER
Um...I'm sorry?

WOMAN
So am I. Believe me

POLICE OFFICER
What's going on?

WOMAN
I'll tell you what's going on. Somebody in this city is stealing socks!

POLICE OFFICER
Come again? Did you say, stealing...socks?

WOMAN
Somebody, I don't know who, is stealing socks from my clothes dryer. This pile of socks here are all "one-sies." They are all alone in the world without a mate

POLICE OFFICER
I see... Perhaps - and I'm just saying - you somehow missplaced them?

WOMAN
You sound just like my husband. He tells me the same thing but I know somebody is stealing them! Thing is - there are no windows in my laundry room

POLICE OFFICER
Well then - perhaps - and I'm just guessing - they dropped out when you were sorting them

WOMAN
I'm always very careful to empty the dryer and check and double-check that there's nothing left in there. So? Are you going to make a report?

POLICE OFFICER
Um - it's very unusual to make a report on missing socks

WOMAN
(picking up socks and bringing them close to police officer's face)
Look at these - brand new socks missing a mate. This is an accumulation of one-sies over the last five year period

POLICE OFFICER
(laughing)
You sound just like my wife. She complains about the same thing. Believes that the socks are sucked into the dryer exhaust and then through pipes

WOMAN
Aha! Your house too, huh? It's my belief that there's a gang of sock thieves working dryer pipes and re-selling them to people who are trying to match their missing socks.

POLICE OFFICER
I don't think so.

WOMAN
So where do YOU think they go? Huh?

POLICE OFFICER
I really can't say...often wondered that myself...(laughing) Maybe it's alien abductions

WOMAN
Officer - I am not crazy. I am a woman who is sick-and-tired of having to buy new socks, only to see them stolen within a few weeks.

POLICE OFFICER
To be honest m'am - we don't have officers with expertise in sock bandits and we're short on staff...

WOMAN
So you're not going to do anything about it?

POLICE OFFICER
Afraid not. Look - I understand your situation and I don't have any answers

(another person approaches the front desk, bag in hand)

OFFICER
Can I help you?

MAN
I'm hoping so.

(empties bag of socks on desk)

I'd like to report missing socks...

WOMAN
(jumping in)

...you too? I'm here for the same thing.

OFFICER
Why don't you two go...somewhere and compare your sock collection? Between the two of you, you just may make some pairs!

WOMAN
Well...it's worth a shot!

(gathering up socks and putting them in bag and walking out of the door)

So...how long have your socks gone missing?

MAN
Ever since the alien abduction...