THE TEA BAG: A SHORT PLAY
By Eleanor Tylbor
Characters:
Fast food server: Punk-look i.e. multi-colored hair,
Long dangly earrings
Customer
Manager (male)
By Eleanor Tylbor
Characters:
Fast food server: Punk-look i.e. multi-colored hair,
Long dangly earrings
Customer
Manager (male)
Scene:
Fast food restaurant. Customer is standing at counter with styrofoam cup in hand
SERVER
Uh-huh?
HAPPY CUSTOMER
Free tea refill, please, herbal if you have it
SERVER
(chewing gum/blows bubbles)
No free refills on tea
NOT-SO-HAPPY-CUSTOMER
You… don't… give refills on tea?
SERVER
Uh-uh. Could you move along?
CUSTOMER
‘Scuse me but you now have an unhappy customer. You do realize that, don’t you?
SERVER
Uh-huh. Next…
CUSTOMER
No free refills on tea
NOT-SO-HAPPY-CUSTOMER
You… don't… give refills on tea?
SERVER
Uh-uh. Could you move along?
CUSTOMER
‘Scuse me but you now have an unhappy customer. You do realize that, don’t you?
SERVER
Uh-huh. Next…
CUSTOMER
(Looking around for signs on wall)
Where does it say they’re no tea refills? I don’t see signs posted anywhere
SERVER
Holding up sign that reads: 'FREE COFFEE REFILLS'
Right…here
Server extends finger and points to sign.
Sticks finger inside her mouth and removes
gum pulling it until it is a long string.
Replaces it back in her mouth. Wipes fingers
on clothes
CUSTOMER
(shaking his head in horror)
Your nails are long, aren’t they? But this says free coffee refills. I want tea
SERVER
They’re not real, the nails I mean. Lost a couple last week and I still haven’t found them. Guess they’ll show up…somewhere
CUSTOMER
(hesitatingly)
My tea? Remember?
SERVER
Like I told you, free coffee refills. Them’s the rules
CUSTOMER
You mean, those are the rules. It’s plural… more than one…
SERVER
Now you want more than one refill? No way, José! Never!
CUSTOMER
I meant…I was just trying to say… Now focus. There’s no logic to your rule. We’re only talking here about one lousy teabag for heaven’s sake. Let’s say…I brought one in here from home?
SERVER
(Silence while she thinks. Pulls gum out of
her mouth in a long strip and replaces it
back into her mouth, wiping hands on blouse)
I gotta ask the manager 'bout that.
Where does it say they’re no tea refills? I don’t see signs posted anywhere
SERVER
Holding up sign that reads: 'FREE COFFEE REFILLS'
Right…here
Server extends finger and points to sign.
Sticks finger inside her mouth and removes
gum pulling it until it is a long string.
Replaces it back in her mouth. Wipes fingers
on clothes
CUSTOMER
(shaking his head in horror)
Your nails are long, aren’t they? But this says free coffee refills. I want tea
SERVER
They’re not real, the nails I mean. Lost a couple last week and I still haven’t found them. Guess they’ll show up…somewhere
CUSTOMER
(hesitatingly)
My tea? Remember?
SERVER
Like I told you, free coffee refills. Them’s the rules
CUSTOMER
You mean, those are the rules. It’s plural… more than one…
SERVER
Now you want more than one refill? No way, José! Never!
CUSTOMER
I meant…I was just trying to say… Now focus. There’s no logic to your rule. We’re only talking here about one lousy teabag for heaven’s sake. Let’s say…I brought one in here from home?
SERVER
(Silence while she thinks. Pulls gum out of
her mouth in a long strip and replaces it
back into her mouth, wiping hands on blouse)
I gotta ask the manager 'bout that.
(An unshaven, heavy-set male with long greasy hair, wearing a tied scarf on his head approaches - grabs the SERVER and kisses her open-mouthed on the lips. They lock lips for 30 seconds)
MANAGER
Later babe
SERVER
Oh Howie – you’re so ro-man-tic!
MANAGER hits server on bum as she EXITS
CUSTOMER
Your…friend there is telling me that refills are good for coffee only . Unfortunately, I’m a tea drinker
MANAGER
That’s your problem – not ours
CUSTOMER
All I need is one lousy cup filled with hot water AND a teabag. I'm not even fussy about the brand at this point, and your water doesn't even have to be boiled properly!
MANAGER
Gonna hav’ta charge you
CUSTOMER
You have to or you want to? This is…tea prejudice!
MANAGER
Whatever that means
CUSTOMER
I shall alert the tea growers of the world regarding your policy and discriminatory attitude towards tea drinkers
MANAGER
Lemme put it this way - I won't stay up nights worrying
CUSTOMER
How many clients have been turned away as a result of this injustice, huh? Thousands – nay – maybe millions even!
MANAGER
Look pal, there's a long line of people behind you so decide, but there ain’t nothing I can do ‘bout it
CUSTOMER
Let's make this simple…
MANAGER
…and fast? I got a line of people who wanna be served
CUSTOMER
One cup of boiled water
MANAGER
(writing on pad)
That it?
CUSTOMER
Now put it in a styrofoam cup…you don’t charge for
styrofoam cups, do you? I mean, you have to pour the hot water into something
MANAGER
I better check corporate headquarters t’find out
CUSTOMER
No need. Consider lending me a teabag. Isn’t that a great idea? Of course it is! You can have it back once I've finished and then pass it on to the next customer. That way we both win
MANAGER
Borrow a tea bag…I dunno 'bout that
CUSTOMER
Be a fast food pioneer and tell the world, 'I’m-going-to-start-giving-free-tea-refills!' Hey! Maybe they’ll write you up in National Geographic! Or National Enquirer - or both! They could even add your photo, too! What’s your name, anyway?
MANAGER
Howard
CUSTOMER
What a normal name for a… I can see the headline now: 'Howard…somebody, manager of the Eat’n’Run, through his pioneering spirit, set the standard for the introduction of free tea refills in his restaurant.' Tea companies could thank you by - um - naming a tea after you! The - um - 'Howard tea bag' – the original pioneering - um - eight cup tea bag
MANAGER
Really? Name a tea bag after me?
CUSTOMER
Think of it as doing your part to help save the planet. Trust me that your average tea drinker won’t mind sharing a used tea bag. You don’t even hav’ta tell head office about your sacrifice! It’ll be our secret…save the earth and all that
Customer is handed teabag and cup. He dunks tea bag in, and then dumps bag
in manager’s hand. Takes sip from cup
CUSTOMER
(shaking his head)
Some people make their lives so complicated
Customer exits
/
Later babe
SERVER
Oh Howie – you’re so ro-man-tic!
MANAGER hits server on bum as she EXITS
CUSTOMER
Your…friend there is telling me that refills are good for coffee only . Unfortunately, I’m a tea drinker
MANAGER
That’s your problem – not ours
CUSTOMER
All I need is one lousy cup filled with hot water AND a teabag. I'm not even fussy about the brand at this point, and your water doesn't even have to be boiled properly!
MANAGER
Gonna hav’ta charge you
CUSTOMER
You have to or you want to? This is…tea prejudice!
MANAGER
Whatever that means
CUSTOMER
I shall alert the tea growers of the world regarding your policy and discriminatory attitude towards tea drinkers
MANAGER
Lemme put it this way - I won't stay up nights worrying
CUSTOMER
How many clients have been turned away as a result of this injustice, huh? Thousands – nay – maybe millions even!
MANAGER
Look pal, there's a long line of people behind you so decide, but there ain’t nothing I can do ‘bout it
CUSTOMER
Let's make this simple…
MANAGER
…and fast? I got a line of people who wanna be served
CUSTOMER
One cup of boiled water
MANAGER
(writing on pad)
That it?
CUSTOMER
Now put it in a styrofoam cup…you don’t charge for
styrofoam cups, do you? I mean, you have to pour the hot water into something
MANAGER
I better check corporate headquarters t’find out
CUSTOMER
No need. Consider lending me a teabag. Isn’t that a great idea? Of course it is! You can have it back once I've finished and then pass it on to the next customer. That way we both win
MANAGER
Borrow a tea bag…I dunno 'bout that
CUSTOMER
Be a fast food pioneer and tell the world, 'I’m-going-to-start-giving-free-tea-refills!' Hey! Maybe they’ll write you up in National Geographic! Or National Enquirer - or both! They could even add your photo, too! What’s your name, anyway?
MANAGER
Howard
CUSTOMER
What a normal name for a… I can see the headline now: 'Howard…somebody, manager of the Eat’n’Run, through his pioneering spirit, set the standard for the introduction of free tea refills in his restaurant.' Tea companies could thank you by - um - naming a tea after you! The - um - 'Howard tea bag' – the original pioneering - um - eight cup tea bag
MANAGER
Really? Name a tea bag after me?
CUSTOMER
Think of it as doing your part to help save the planet. Trust me that your average tea drinker won’t mind sharing a used tea bag. You don’t even hav’ta tell head office about your sacrifice! It’ll be our secret…save the earth and all that
Customer is handed teabag and cup. He dunks tea bag in, and then dumps bag
in manager’s hand. Takes sip from cup
CUSTOMER
(shaking his head)
Some people make their lives so complicated
Customer exits
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