Saturday, December 16, 2006

The Very Merry Christmas/Holiday Pageant: Scene III


There is a bright yellow light above the stage that slowly gets larger and sparkly. Descending down from a rope with a hook attached to the back of her costume is the latke faery godmother, OIL DEPAN. She waves to the audience and the rope turns in circles. Finally, she attempts to remove herself from the rope but is stuck on the hook.

(looking up)
Do you mind? Hello! The eagle has landed!(the rope starts to shake pulling her around the stage)Oi! I'm getting sea-siiiiiiick! Oh the union is gonna hear about this! Oh well... The show must go on

(FELICIA LOOKSGALORE is sitting by the fireplace, her head buried in her hands, sobbing and wailing out loud)

LATKE GODMOTHEROh! What - I mean, who do we have here? A sobbing scullery maid with yucky hands. Perhaps she needs some advice that only a godmother like myself can provide.

(she attempts to approach FELICIA but the rope keeps pulling her back)

LATKE GODMOTHER(staring upward and pulling on the rope)
I said,,, 'perhaps she needs advice that only I can provide...!' I need some rope!

(she approaches FELICIA)

(cont'd.) Um...excuse me but I can't help but notice that you are crying. Mind you I would cry too with those hands. Cheez - talk about gross!

(FELICIA looks up at the LATKE GODMOTHER, stops crying for a few seconds and then starts again)

I mean, of course, you're breaking your Latke Godmother's heart.

(stops crying abruptly)
Are you my faery godmother?

LATKE GODMOTHERThat's what they tell me. Mind you, they've been wrong before. Last year for example, they sent me to Jennifer...Jennifer...what was her name now... Anssiton? Asston... Something like that. Seems she was having major tsouris (problems) with Brad somebody-or-the-other. I mean, I'm good but I can't work miracles! Know what I mean?

FELICIAIs it normal for latke godmother's to gossip about their clients? What can you do for me? Can you get me out of this kitchen and back to society where I really belong?

LATKE GODMOTHERHmmm... How about I teach you instead how to fry latkes? I'm good at that!

Who cares about latkes...

I'd be very careful how you choose your words from this point on...

mean, learning to make latkes is like, very important in life and please don't think I don't wanna learn but..

Good. First, we gotta find us some potatoes. I'm good at potato conjuring today. Maybe Yukon gold would be best... Then again, Idaho are good...

FELICIAMaybe...we could like, work on the latkes later?

...of course red potatoes are sweet...but I think we should stick to Yukon Gold...

FELICIAI DON'T WANT TO MAKE LATKES! Got that? No potatoes. No latkes.

Oh...I see... Fine. No latkes.... She...doesn't want to make... latkes! You're trying to break my heart, aren't you? That's it, isn't it? You wanna break an old ladies heart.(she yanks the rope and looks upward)

LATKE GODMOTHERGimme more rope so I can hang myself!

FELICIAStop being so melodramatic! Did I say I don't like latkes? Noooo! I never said that! My exact words were, 'I don't wanna make them' period. Of course I love latkes. Doesn't everyone? What would the world be without latkes in it? Chanukah without latkes is like - um - well -

(looking upward)
Forget about the rope for now. You really mean that or are you just trying to make an old lady feel good?

I swear it's true! Really!

LATKE GODMOTHERWell...I suppose you could be telling the truth

FELICIAListen. Before we start on the latkes, shouldn't we do something about my hands? Look at them! A disgusting festering mess of...


FELICIASee what I mean? Even you, my latke godmother gets sick just hearing about them

LATKE GODMOTHER(burping and gagging)
Must be something I ate. Perhaps you should hide them...that is to say, keep them covered until I can concoct a magic potion. Hmmmmm... I think this calls for some advice from somebody with stronger magic.

(LATKE GODMOTHER starts to move her hands in a frenzy chanting,
'George Clooney. Brad Pitt. This princess needs help real quick!'
FELICIADon't tell me that they're - you know - one of your kind?

LATKE GODMOTHERDon't I wish! I just like to say their names. That's the closest an old lady like me will ever get

Suddenly there is a loud noise and a cloud of smoke and when the smoke clears we see....
To be continued...

1 comment:

Askinstoo said...
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