A. PLAYWRIGHT'S RAMBLINGS

2012-02-15T17:44:00.002-05:00

My "Old Soldiers" are getting antsy waiting for direction. So is the playwright. Yesterday, the lead character, Joe Mckenna, let me know in no uncertain terms that a rebellion could be in the works.

"How much longer are you going to take to finish converting to a damned radio play, woman?" Joe demanded, as I envisioned him in various scenarios. "The others are on my back asking me to ask you to give them some direction."

I know, Joe! I know!

So it's almost March and crunch time for my work-in-progress, "Old Soldiers", in the hope of entering it in the BBC International Radio Playwriting Competition. This realization hit me last night when looking up a TV program in the weekly guide and saw the date, along with a slight - so far - case of panic. Not too much time left to add content and make changes. Then there's always editing to be done, especially if it's a new play. This is the second time I'm focusing on coverting this into a radio production and actually enter the competition. This time last year the same thing occurred and I missed the deadline.

"So tell us Eleanor - where exactly are you at, now?"

Glad you asked. Read the play and like what I've written so far. That in itself is progress, however - hate those howevers - not much more has been added. Last night I added some dialogue but as I see it, the story line isn't 'sound-friendly.' I've changed the location Joe's apartment to a bar or pub but when you think about it, not much happens in a bar in the way of sound bites. The story line itself will progress to outside-the-bar scenes and I'm now deciding how many of the characters be used. Hate to create throw-away people for the mere sake of having more characters.

"Do you think you'll be able to make the deadline this time or will it be another 'well maybe next year'?"

Who knows. Perhaps sub-consciously I keep procrastinating since it's something in which I have no experience and pure guess work at best.

"But Eleanor - don't you think that radio plays are similar to stage plays?"

Somewhat but it's those sound effects that have me spooked. In plays one has the luxury of sight to help keep things moving, but radio depends on stimulating the listeners imagination. On a good day/night, perhaps I can manage writing three pages, following which I'm completely drained.

"Um...excuse the interruption, Eleanor, but we're waiting. We're not getting any younger, y'know!"

Neither am I, Joe! To be continued...hopefully.

2012-01-19T08:51:00.001-05:00

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE SUPERMARKET - THE CHERRY DILEMMA

PLACE: SUPERMARKET, PRODUCE AREA. FEMALE SHOPPER STUDIES SHOPPER PICKING OUT CHERRIES, TASTING THEM AS HE PLACES THEM IN A PLASTIC BAG

FEMALE SHOPPER
Like cherries, huh?

MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
Sorry?

FEMALE SHOPPER
I doubt that... So you really like cherries? Me too

MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
These are particularly good. Nice and firm..

(male shopper takes two and slowly eats them, spitting out cherry pit on ground)

FEMALE SHOPPER
You seem to take great care in choosing just the right one's

MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
Only choose those that are firm to the touch

FEMALE SHOPPER
I see that. And you determine that by squeezing them all, I guess?

MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
(eating another cherry and spitting pit on floor)
It's the only way

FEMALE SHOPPER
Aren't you worried that they're not washed or anything. You know - germs from people's hands

MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
I wipe them on my clothes before tasting them (tasting another cherry and spitting pit on floor)
Hmmmmmm...really good

FEMALE SHOPPER
Sweet are they?

MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
Uh-huh! Very! Here - try one! Look at the time - gotta run!

(MALE CHERRY CHOOSER TIES PLASTIC BAG AND RUSHES OFF. FEMALE SHOPPER IS IN CASH LINE UP BEHIND CHERRY CHOOSER. SUPERMARKET CHECK-OUT CASHIER WEIGHS CHERRIES)

CASHIER
These look good enough to eat!

FEMALE SHOPPER
Oh he knows!

(MALE CHERRY CHOOSER LOOKS EMBARRASSED)

(CONT'd) Before you punch in the numbers, perhaps you should add another dollar to the total

CASHIER
I'm sorry?

FEMALE SHOPPER
By my estimate, this cherry lover must have sampled at least a dozen or two cherries that I saw him eating before finding the perfect one's for his bag. So perhaps you should factor in those dozen in his bill?

CHERRY CHOOSER
I...was just...tasting them to... um...make sure they're good...

FEMALE SHOPPER
Of course you did. We all love cherries, but who pays for those that are sampled, huh? We do!

CHERRY CHOOSER
Well...um...

CASHIER
You do have a point...nobody has ever brought this up before... Perhaps I should call the manager

FEMALE SHOPPER
No need to do that.

(FEMALE SHOPPER PRODUCES CLEAR PLASTIC PRODUCE BAG WITH CHERRY PITS INSIDE AND HOLDS THEM UP)

CONT'D. FEMALE SHOPPER
Let's see here...I count two dozen cherry pits that I picked up off the floor

CHERRY PICKER
Hey! How d'ya know they're all mine!

FEMALE SHOPPER
I watched where you spit them out and picked them up with a plastic produce bag. I mean, really, it's quite disgusting

(mumbles emitted by shoppers in line waiting to pay)

SHOPPER IN LINE
"...e-eww! You actually picked up his pits? That is like, soooo disgusting!"

ANOTHER SHOPPER IN LINE
"...the guy was stealing cherries...that's disgusting"

(A HEATED DEBATE ENSUES AMONG THOSE LINED UP REGARDING THE CHERRY PICKER AND THE MORALITY OF TASTING CHERRIES)

CHERRY PICKER
(leaning over and speaking softly to the cashier)
Just tell me how much extra I owe you and lemme get outta here

CASHIER
Fifty cents and we're even

FEMALE SHOPPER
(opens another clear plastic produce bag)
Now about those grapes you were tasting...

2012-01-07T15:21:00.004-05:00

HELLO? PLAYWRIGHT NEEDS TO KNOW!

I've been thinking. Almost half-way through January and still haven't heard anything one way or the other about my play submitted in mid October. This is sort-of disconcerting especially since I requested ackowldgement that they received the play sent by e-mail attachment. I'm always worried whether the dialogue ends up all over the place and whether this is held against a playwright (me).

"Not again!" a theatre reader might say to her/himself or out loud while shaking their heads, "yet another playwright who doesn't use a decent playwriting program."

Really - I worry about this aspect but still can't seem to be motivated enough to go out and spend $500 on a program for this prurpose.

So to return to my angst - actually I'm always in a state of playwriting angst - there has been no news or updates or anything whatsoever from said theater. Rather than send them another personal e-mail, which most likely will atrophy in the in-box, I'll share a public appeal. Actually, I'll go out on a limb and say/write that this sentiment is shared by many other playwrights.

Dear blah-blah (name protected just in case),

Not sure if you remember since you probably receive umpteen plays from desperate playwrights like me who are hoping to have their plays produced before they die, but I sent you my play in the middle of October. Still don't know whether you received it and/or if you even read it. If you did, you already know that it's well-written and a very funny play. I laugh every time I read it over just in case it requires tweaking. I'm big on tweaking.

As an aspiring playwright who has yet to have a play produced but always hopeful, the waiting period to learn whether our literary jewels will be shared with theatre goers is very difficult. Frequently, and I hope is not the case with your theatre, we never hear back, or when we do, its a rejection notice years later.

I'm sure you are occupied with other projects that require your attention but any type of personal note from you or your theater would suffice.

Yours truly in perturbation,

Eleanor

2011-12-30T08:44:00.001-05:00

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE COFFEE SHOP
THE CINNAMON BUN SITUATION

SCENE: Seating area outside a well-known coffee shop chain. A female customer brings over a coffee and a cinnamon bun. She sits down, staring at bun.

FEMALE
I dunno... This doesn't look fresh to me

MALE
How can you tell? I mean, what does a fresh roll look like?

FEMALE
Should look shiny and moist on the surface. This doesn't

(she uses a fork to break a piece off)

(cont'd.) Blech! This is not fresh! I knew it!

MALE
You're going to take it back, aren't you?

FEMALE
Yup. I'm not paying to eat stale food items. I'll be back...

(she takes the roll and returns to the coffee shop counter. Server approaches her, staring at bun)

(FEMALE cont'd.)
This is stale!

(FEMALE hands over plate with bun)

SERVER
Stale? We got it in this morning

FEMALE
Well then...you received a stale bun. Touch it and see for yourself

(server puts finger on bun and presses it)

SERVER
Feels fresh to me. I'll have to get the manager

(FEMALE waits at counter for manager. Manager approaches and server speaks softly to him)

FEMALE
The bun is stale

MANAGER
Impossible!

FEMALE
Maybe to you but to me, it's stale

MANAGER
I get fresh deliveries every morning. This is not stale!

FEMALE
Sorry but it is

MANAGER
Lady - you wanna come here 9 a.m. in the morning and see my deliveries?

FEMALE
Not really

MANAGER
It has to be fresh I'm telling you!

FEMALE
And I'm telling you it isn't! It's from yesterday

MANAGER
Lady - I don't sell stale stuff! I'm in the food business!

FEMALE
I'm not accusing you of selling stale food items but somehow, some way, this slipped by

MANAGER
(highly indignant and defensive)
I've been manager here for a long time and I'm telling you this is fresh! I know! So whad'ya want me to do, huh? You want a new one, I suppose. Right? Or maybe you want something else? Is that it? You wanna exchange it? Give the bun to me!

FEMALE
Take it easy! Everything is cool! Relax. It's only a cinammon bun!

MANAGER
Only a cinammon bun for you. You come here 9 a.m. in the morning and...

FEMALE
I have absolutely no desire to be here at 9 a.m. to monitor your delivery order. That's your business! Remember I'm the customer?

MANAGER
So...whad'ya want?

FEMALE
(looking over the display case)
So many items...hmmm... Okay. I'll take the cranberry-lemon muffin

MANAGER
Here. Enjoy

FEMALE
By the way - is it fresh?

2011-12-26T11:57:00.004-05:00

My old soldiers are waiting for direction. I know where they're coming from!

The end of the year is almost here and that means a mere four months to work on re-working my short story, "Old Soldiers" in the hope of converting it into a radio play to enter in the British Council International Radio Playwriting Competition . The characters need flushing out and some type of direction as to their purpose.

"That's all, Eleanor? Piece of cake!"

On were it that easy.

Having never attempted writing a radio play, I'm somewhat intimidated. I mean, to what degree will the correct writing form for radio count?

"Oh look. The sound effects are on the wrong side of the page," a BBC reader might comment to another reader, after which it might be tossed on the slush pile.

To my credit (pat-pat on the back) I've made some progress and added dialogue but the challenge is the necessity of providing those tricky sound effects. This means that there has to be action, which can be heard and that will propel the story along. You just can't have the characters hang around say...a pub and talk. They have to do something to catch the listeners ear.

A purpose and reason for being there is required. Therein lies (or lay...whatever) the challenge.

A character chart would help me define the varous characteristics of the personalities, but I've never used one in the past. Then again, I've never tried writing a radio play. The ending seems logical but the trip to get there has to be refined.

Joe McKenna would understand.

Here's a small snippet of dialogue taken from the re-write as the "old soldiers" prepare to leave for a fellow soldier's funeral

AL

So who’s going to Percy’s funeral?

JOE
I am…and so is Mac

MIKE
Me too

AL
I’d like to go. There are so few of us left. Look at me with a walker. We were his friends for umpteen years and I mean, the man deserves some type of recognition. It's the least we can do. Can anyone give me a lift? So damn hard to climb up the bus steps and the bus drivers get so impatient...

MIKE
I'll bring along our flag. It's getting so thin I can see through it

JOE
Just like us. Old and worn out

2011-12-23T09:16:00.001-05:00

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE

CHRISTMAS AT THE HAIRDRESSER

SCENE: A SMALL HAIR SALON. A FEW DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS. PEOPLE ARE SEATED ON CHAIRS WAITING FOR THEIR TURN. THE SOUND OF HAIR DRYERS OBLITERATES THE SOUND OF THE TV SET. CLIENT ENTERS WITH A SMALL GIFT BAG IN HAND

CLIENT 1

‘Hello all! Busy, busy, today, aren’t we?’

(Hair stylists turn to look at her as she passes, nod. CLIENT approaches PEGGY, hair stylist, who is absorbed in conversation with another female, LATE CLIENT)

PEGGY

I really can’t do streaks today. I’m sorry but you’re over an hour late and look – my customer is here already

(PEGGY turns to CLIENT 1as does the late client)

CLIENT 1

Um...yes. I’m here for my appointment

PEGGY

See? She’s here on time!

(LATE CLIENT stares at PEGGY and then at CLIENT 1)

LATE CLIENT

But...when am I gonna get my hair done? Look – it’s a disaster!

PEGGY

Like I told you – you’re here an hour late. I tried to call you...

LATE CLIENT

...like I told you – I moved so that’s why you couldn’t reach me

PEGGY

Uh-huh... Well, that still doesn’t change anything. There is absolutely no way I can do your streaks today...or tomorrow

(LATE CLIENT moves close to PEGGY to discuss it further)

PEGGY

...no – it’s impossible....really I can’t...it’s not fair to my client...

CLIENT 1

Yes – it’s not fair to me! I have things to do – places to go...

LATE CLIENT

I’m sorry I’m late but I had to get here from the city by bus and...that’s why I’m late. Like I said – I moved. Guess I’ll have to wait

CLIENT 1

Your hair doesn’t look that bad

LATE CLIENT

Not to worry. I’ll just trim the front myself

PEGGY

No!!! Don’t do that! Look – sit down and I’ll at least cut your bangs (turning to CLIENT 1) ‘It’ll only take a couple of minutes’

LATE CLIENT

...traffic was bad – you know, Christmas and all...

PEGGY
(distracted)

...uh-huh... There.

(rolls chair back and starts to help LATE CLIENT out)

PEGGY (cont’d)

Call me. Okay? I’m sorry but you were late...

(PEGGY kisses LATE CLIENT on either cheek. LATE CLIENT leaves looking forlorn)

PEGGY

Why do I have to feel guilty, huh? Why?

MARY (other hair stylist)

She was friggin’ late! Not your fault!

CLIENT 1
(sitting down in chair)

If you would have done her hair now, all your other clients would have had to wait, including me

PEGGY

She tells me she moved but I called her before and got her answering machine. Does a person who moved still keep an answering machine on?

CLIENT 1

Perhaps...I mean, of course not! She was making excuses, probably

PEGGY

(picking up appointment book full of written appointments)

I mean, look! I’m full up for today AND tomorrow! Why am I felling guilty!

MARY

You shouldn’t! Feeling sick...

PEGGY

Take tea or something

MARY

(opening box of cough drops and taking one)

PEGGY

You shouldn’t take so many. They’ll upset your stomach

CLIENT 1

How often does the box say you can taken them?

MARY
(reading side of box)

‘...take as needed...’ (pops one into her mouth) Anyway, my doctor says they’re useless

CLIENT 1

So why take them?

PEGGY

They’re probably just candy, anyway

(phone rings)

MARY

Friggin phone! ‘Shut up!’ Never stops!

PEGGY

That’s why they pay us the big bucks, honey! To do clients hair

(PETER, male stylist stomps by, grabbing towel for hair)

PETER

Same shit – different smell...!

CLIENT 1

Oh I like that – never quite heard it expressed that way

MARY

I told him that!

PETER

Whatever...okay – you told me that...

CLIENT 1

Oh – almost forgot to give you this

(hands PEGGY small red bag)

CLIENT 1

‘Merry Christmas’! Figured rather than get you something you probably have a million of at home, a gift card is more practical

PEGGY

Oh you shouldn’t...it’s not necessary...but thank you. You’re right. This is the perfect gift

CLIENT1

BTW – we’re going lighter today

PEGGY

You don’t want streaks, right?

CLIENT1

No worry – no streaks

PEGGY

Good because streaks are out of the question. Gee – I hope my client got home okay...I mean, she’s not young or anything

CLIENT1

I’m sure she did

PEGGY

You think so? What happens if she really moved into town and she has to wait for busses and...

MARY

She has an answering machine, remember?

PEGGY

Oh yeah! Forgot about that. Anyway, two more days and I won’t have to think about streaks, or cuts, or blow-dry.

(phone rings – PEGGY answers)

‘No – like I told you an hour ago – I can’t do your streaks! Really... Where can I get in touch with you in case I have a few cancellations? That’s your old number isn't it? Didn’t you tell me you moved?’

2011-12-16T11:35:00.005-05:00

SANTA SLIMS DOWN: a Christmas story of rebellion and compromise

By Eleanor Tylbor

My annual sharing of the play focusing on Santa's need to lose weight in order to fly on Christmas Eve.

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

SANTA CLAUS – the jolly, old elf himself who ate one too many cookies

MRS. CLAUS – Santa's faithful wife, who is worried about Santa’s cholestrol
RUDOLPH AND THE REINDEER GANG

SCENE: SANTA'S WORKSHOP, TWO WEEKS BEFORE "THE" TRIP. SANTA IS CHECKING OVER HIS TOYS.

AT RISE: A MUCH MORE PLUMP THAN USUAL SANTA IS SITTING AT A TABLE FILLED WITH TOYS. HE MUNCHES ON COOKIES WHILE CHECKING OVER THE TOYS. A GROUP OF ELVES WATCH.

SANTA
(laughing/chuckling)
Excellent job as usual! These toys are going to make a lot of kids happy

ELVES
(together)
"Thank you, Santa! We try out best'

(There is a loud knock on the door and Rudolph, accompanied by Donner and Blitzen barge in)

SANTA
This is an expected surprise, boys. To what do I owe this visit?

RUDOLPH

(moving his antlers from side-to-side defiantly)

We're here to give you a message, Santa

RUDOLPH
It’s about cookies

SANTA

(eating one cookie after another)

Mmm - so good. Love those chocolate chips. You want one of these cookies? Why didn’t you say so? Plenty enough to go ‘round

RUDOLPH
That's the problem. Santa, there's something we really gotta tell you…

DONNER
- it's real important-like…

BLITZEN
…major important

RUDOLPH

(Turns around and addresses DONNER and BLITZEN)

Is there an echo, here? Did you not make me, Rudolph, the spokes-deer? Maybe one of youse wants’ta take over?

DONNER
(staring down at his hooves)
And…you do a great job, Rudy. Super job

BLITZEN
You our main reindeer, man!

RUDOLPH
I mean, if one of youse guys can say it better…

DONNER
No-no… You’re the best

RUDOLPH
So lemme do the job! Cheez – everyone wants'ta be a star… Now where was I? See Santa, we're worried!

DONNER AND BLITZEN
(together)
Real worried!

RUDOLPH

(whirling around)

Hello? D'ya mind?

SANTA nibbles on a cookie while watching a train run around a track

SANTA
Oh my-oh-my! I love watching the train speed around the track. Um… Worried? About what, boys? Now just look at this train go. The elves finished it this very morning

RUDOLPH
How can I say this nicely -

DONNER AND BLITZEN
Just tell him! You gotta!

RUDOLPH
(whirling around)
One more word from either of youse…

DONNER/BLITZEN
Sor-ree! We're just trying to help…

RUDOLPH
Well don't! You elected me head of the North Pole Reindeer Union so lemme do the job!

SANTA
What’s this all about, boys? Could one of you tell me?

RUDOLPH
I'm tryin' Santa, I'm really tryin’ if only these two big mouths would let me

BLITZEN
We promise we won't say another word, See? We’re zipping our mouths closed

DONNER
Maybe one word - two at the most. Sorry…

RUDOLPH
It's about your - um - well… Your shape

SANTA
(laughing)
My shape? I’m Santa! I’m supposed to look this way

RUDOLPH
It's um - very round

SANTA
(laughing)
This is not news, Rudolph. Now if you'll excuse me…I’m very busy here…

RUDOLPH
Much more than usual, Santa. Much… much… more

SANTA
I’ve always looked like this. You know that!

RUDOLPH
It hurts me to hav'ta tell you this but as the official spokes-deer and according to the rules in the signed hoof agreement, paragraph three, section 9, I’m here to say that unless you lose weight, we ain't leaving the Pole

DONNER
He's right. We can't pull a sleigh filled with toys AND you too

SANTA
But-but…I look the same as I’ve always looked.

Santa rushes over to a mirror and examines himself

SANTA
Maybe I did put on a few extra pounds here and there… But you can't expect me to lose weight in such a short time

RUDOLPH
D’ya know how hard it is to fly through the air, dragin' a full sleigh of toys and and over-weight Santa?

OTHER REINDEER PEERING IN AT WINDOW
Hard..hard..very hard

DONNER
It’s a big pain in the back for sure!

RUDOLPH
Did I ask for more opinions. Did I?

(The reindeer dart away from the window)

RUDOLPH
Like I was sayin’… You gotta do something 'bout it, boss, or we're stayin' Pole-side this Christmas!

SANTA
You - you can't do that! What will happen to all the children waiting for their gifts on Christmas Eve? I won't hear of it

RUDOLPH
Lissen boss, we gotta ‘tink of our health, too. Do I gotta remind you ‘bout last year and all the trouble gettin' the sleigh off the ground? We seen you hittin' the hot chocolate and cookies in the middle of the night when Mother Claus was asleep! One week Santa. You gots one week

(Santa stands in shock as the three reindeer file out shaking their heads)

SANTA
(calling out)
This is unheard of! Santa Claus without his reindeer? What am I to do? 'Mother Claus- we have a major problem!'

(MRS. CLAUS comes running in to the room)

MRS. CLAUS
What is it, dear? The trains not producing smoke, again?

SANTA
Worse! From now on they'll be no more hot chocolate or cookies for me. I have to lose weight!

MRS. CLAUS
Did you say something about cookies, dear? I just took a new batch out of the oven

SANTA
Did you hear what I said, mother? The reindeer told me I'm too heavy for them to pull. Imagine! Me, Santa too heavy for my sleigh!

MRS. CLAUS
But dear, Santa Claus is supposed to be…you know - large-ish. Mind you - you have put on a few pounds here and there...and everywhere

SANTA
Why didn't you tell me? I just had a visit from three of the reindeer and they told me none of them will fly unless I can lose some weight!

MRS. CLAUS
But…it's only two weeks to Christmas Eve. Do you think you can do without your chocolate chip cookies?

SANTA
I gotta! I have too much to lose and it’s not only the weight I’m talking about. What will I tell the boys and girls? No! I have to lose weight!

MRS. CLAUS
No more cookies. I'll just throw out the ones I just made…

SANTA
Maybe we're doing this too quick - a few cookies can't hurt

MRS. CLAUS
Now Santa – you have a responsibility to all the children around the world. Do you want to let them down?

SANTA
Um - I'm just going outside to check on things

MRS. CLAUS
What are you hiding behind your back, Santa? Come on – hand them over

(SANTA hands over a handful of cookies)

MRS. CLAUS
Every time you get the urge for a cookie, think about the children!

SANTA
You're right, Mother. Do we still have that exercycle that the reindeer gave me as a gift, last year?

MRS. CLAUS
Of course! It's in the reindeer barn

SANTA
Get the elves to bring it here right away. There's no time like the present to start and just one week to go…I hope I can do it…I have to do it! I must do it!

SCENE TWO

SCENE: SANTA is exercising on his exercycle in red long-johns

SANTA
Whew! This isn't easy. Mother - bring me the scale!

(MRS. CLAUS brings over a scale)

MRS. CLAUS
I do hope you've lost some weight!

(SANTA gets on the scale attempting to see the weight but can't see over his belly)

SANTA
So? What does it say?

MRS. CLAUS
You've lost one pound, dear. Have you been doing some secret snacking?

SANTA
No… Really… Well…maybe one or two once in a while. We better call in the reindeer I suppose

RUDOLPH, DONNER AND BLITZEN enter

RUDOLPH
Only one pound, Santa? One gift weighs more than that. Guess the boys and girls won't get their gifts this year, right guys?

DONNER AND BLITZEN
Still not enough.. Still not enough..

(The reindeer exit, shaking their heads)

SANTA
What am I to do now? Just four more days… Maybe if I eat a cookie, I'll feel better..

MRS. CLAUS
Santa! This is how you got to be this way in the first place! Now back on the treadmill!

SANTA gets back on the treadmill

SCENE THREE

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS. A VISIBLY SLIMMER SANTA CALLS IN THE REINDEER

SANTA
So boys? Whad’ya think? Will it do it?

RUDOLPH
You look like you dropped some weight. Whad'ya think boys?

BLITZEN
He looks leaner…I'll fly if the others agree

SANTA
I lost ten whole pounds!

DONNER
I'm ready to go. There's something we forgot to tell you. There are a few things we'd like to have in the future – you know - to prepare us for the long trip?

SANTA
Like what boys?

DONNER
We'd like a fancy meal before we leave. Grass and forest greens don't do it for us.

SANTA
No problem! I’m all in favor of good healthy food. Healthy eating is the way to go

BLITZEN
It’s not exactly salads we had in mind. We’d like…all-dressed pizza!

SANTA
Now Blitzen, you know that's not the right type of food to maintain a healthy weight. No more late night bad food deliveries to the Pole. I need you guys all nice and slim, too, for future trip. Greens… Lots of Vitamin C…roughage…from now on, they'll be a daily exercise program at the North Pole, and I expect every reindeer to take part. And I have you all to thank for my change

DONNER
(aside to Rudolph, whistfully)
No more pizza deliveries?

BLITZEN
Gee thanks Rudolph!

DONNER
Yeah – thanks Rudy!

SANTA
I know you boys will like the changes. No more junk food in the workshop! You helped me lose some extra pounds and I'm thankful for your help. A healthy Santa is important if I'm going to do the job properly. Now, let's go deliver some gifts to good girls and boys! C'mon boys – it's time!

(SANTA exits, accompanied by the reindeer)

We're leaving mother! Better have some cookies…I mean of course, veggies and fruit when we come back!

BLITZEN
Did anyone tell you that you have a big mouth, Rudolph?

DONNER
…a big one…very big…

The reindeer exit

SANTA'S VOICE – OFFSTAGE

‘Now Dancer, now Prancer, Comet.and .Blitzen –up, up in the air we go!’ Rudolph? Is that you I hear complaining? You’ll get used to it! A healthy deer is a happy deer!

RUDOLPH
Yeah…happy… I’m so happy…

MRS. CLAUS
Thank goodness everything turned out in the end.

(Staring at herself in a long mirror)

Didn’t do me any harm, either. 'Merry Christmas, Santa! Merry Christmas reindeer!'

© Eleanor Tylbor, 2005

2011-12-15T10:20:00.002-05:00

BARBIE THROWS A CHRISTMAS PARTY - ALONG WITH SOME FRIENDS

SCENE: THE MALIBU HOME OF BARBIE, THE WELL KNOWN BORDERING ON FAMOUS, VINYL FASHIONISTA. BARBIE, ON TIPPY-TOE, IS DECORATING HER CHRISTMAS TREE, WHILE SINGING. SHE IS INTERRUPTED BY THE SOUNDS OF MACHINE GUN FIRE OUTSIDE.

BARBIE

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...Jack Frost nipping at..." Just what I need now

(the door flings open and G.I. Joe, machine gun in hand, backs into the room)

G.I. JOE
(whirling around to face BARBIE)

Don’chu fear – G.I. is here!

BARBIE

How could I like...miss you. Can’t you just like...knock on the door or ring the bell like normal people?

G.I. JOE

How many times do I gotta tell you, babe – G.I. Joe is not like normal people

BARBIE

You are so right

G.I. JOE

Thank you, babe. A soldier’s gotta do what a soldier’s gotta do. You never got to worry about the enemy when I’m around

BARBIE

Like...that’s the problem, Joe...

G.I. JOE
(moving furtively around the room, searching)

...is it the enemy? I’ll handle it. Don’t worry...

(G.I. JOE checks up the chimney and Christmas decorations fly off the mantle as he moves out. He whirls his arms in a frenzy to remove them)

G.I. JOE

I’ve taken care of these enemy – um – tinsel thingies because – um – you can’t be too careful

BARBIE

Oh Joe – now look what you’ve done! Those were the last five hundred packages of tinsel!

G.I. JOE

Hey – they could have been – um – dangerous or something... A soldier’s gotta do what a soldier –

BARBIE

- I know. ...gotta do.. Now Joe – I’m having my Christmas party tonight and I want you to like... try and act normal, okay?

G.I. JOE

Hey! You don’t have to worry ‘bout me, babe! I’ll blend in the crowd

BARBIE

That’s what worries me! Can you, like...forget about the machine gun for one night, maybe?

G.I. JOE

No can do, babe. (caresses the machine gun) We’re never apart. We shower together, eat together. We do everything together. Hey – I even sleep with her

BARBIE

Her? You’ve given your weapon a sex?

G.I. JOE

Hey! G.I. Joe is not a prevert! We’re just...close, right sweetheart?

BARBIE

You are too much...

G.I. JOE

I know. That's why you like me around

BARBIE

And the word is “pervert”.

G.I. JOE

Prevert...covert...it’s all the same

BARBIE

Sometimes I really worry about you... You're so grammatically-challenged

G.I. JOE

Thanks, babe! I know! My teachers used to tell me the same thing!

BARBIE

So...like...all my best and closest friends will be here so try and act normal

G.I. JOE

Depends

BARBIE

What do you mean?

G.I. JOE

Who'll be here. First I hav'ta frisk them

BARBIE

Not! My friends are not the enemy, Joe! Mind you, a couple of managers... Please don't frisk them or pat them down

G.I. JOE

The Bratz girls didn't mind. I patted them down five times and they wanted more. See? Some people 'preciate Joe's extra care

(there is a knock on the door and G.I. Joe jumps up and hides behind the couch, his gun facing the door)

G.I. JOE

Pretend you’re alone, babe. I’m watching your back

BARBIE

If only you'd watch and not act

(BARBIE opens the door and KEN poses, leaning on his surf board)

KEN

It’s me! Ken! Back from...back from...gimme a sec – I’ll remember..

BARBIE

Swallowed too much water, have we?

KEN

It”s me! Your Ken! Back from –

BARBIE

- you already said that and you're not "my Ken." Remember? Why am I asking you that...

KEN

The last thing I remember was being on a beach...some dude with a funny accent was dead or something...

BARBIE
(rolling her eyes)

Um...Ken – it’s winter and like...a ton of snow on the ground. Shouldn’t you put something on over your surfer trunks?

KEN
(looking down)

I wanna be prepared in case a good wave comes ashore. Can’t be too prepared.

(KEN suddenly is distracted and looks off into the distance)

KEN

“Hi! My name is Ken! I’m a surfer dude! And what’s your name, pretty girl?”

(G.I. Joe jumps out of his hiding place and faces KEN)

G.I. JOE

Well if it isn’t the cutesy-wootsy surfer boy! Or maybe you’re pretending to be the surfer boy. Lemme frisk you to make sure...

KEN

Well – if you insist...

(G.I. JOE pats down KEN)

KEN

And who might you be? I’m Ken and I’m a surfer! Wanna ride the waves together?

BARBIE

Oh my! Look at the time! I have to go and change into one of my new five hundred outfits. The two of you like...sit down and act normal. What am I saying?

(BARBIE leaves the room. There is a knock on the door and as KEN goes to answer it, G.I. JOE springs into action, hiding behind the couch. KEN opens the door)

BLAIN

Hello! Remember me? I don't. I think I'm Blain. From Australia?

KEN

Your face does look familiar... Were you lying on sand somewhere? I’m Ken and I’m a surfer. Wanna ride the waves together? We could have so much fun!

(BARBIE hops down the stairs and rushes over to greet BLAIN)

BARBIE

Blain! Oh Blain! You made it to my party!

BLAIN

I did? Oh yeah. How did I get here? My head hurts...
(G.I. JOE springs out from his hiding place)

G.I. JOE

Cease and desist, babe! I gotta check this guy out! The enemy wears many faces and this guy talks funny

To be continued: Who else will turn up and what will happen when Blain remembers?

2011-11-13T11:12:00.001-05:00

IN SUBMISSION MODE - AGAIN

For whatever reason, I always... Okay. Very frequently at this time of the year, I get the urge - the need - to seek out theatres et al, which are open to new plays/playwrights. To this end, came accross a theatre group in NYC that struck my fancy or kind of stood out and passed along "Gin: An Allegory for Playing the Game of Life." Supplied a synopsis and even when adding my neophyte-ic status, they still wanted to read it. This is a good omen - one hopes.

Before submitting, I checked over the contents for spelling mistakes and flow of dialogue and made a few tweaks. Thing is - I don't have a playwriting program and submitted it as a Word attachment, not an ideal arrangement. Really, this is something that should be looked into but somehow it ends up on the back-burner. There is a program available in Word so I've read and this is something I really must pursue.

In any case, haven't heard back from them, yet. Patience isn't one of my strong points but I have to control my curiousity and wait. And wait... It`s all part of the process. Right? It would be so wonderful if the recipients would provide updates. Something to the effect:

"Dear Playwright,

We are in the process of reading your play. So far, we are enjoying the contents. We are up to scene blah-blah. Will get back to you again as we go along."

I mean, it would make playwrights lives so much more bearable!

In addition, looking for possible contacts to send my short-short plays. Really, the search never ends.

2011-11-04T09:22:00.000-04:00

SCENES FROM LIFE: A short playette

THE COFFEE DILEMMA

SCENE: A WELL-KNOWN FAST-FOOD OUTLET BEGINNING WITH LETTERS “Mc”. A MAN AND WOMAN STAND IN LINE, WAITING TO PLACE THEIR ORDER WITH COUNTER PERSON

HE

Whad’ya taking? The usual?

SHE
(examining menu choices)

Not sure...

HE

You always end up taking number five

SHE

Well...I just might be daring and opt for something different for a change

HE

I’ll stick to the usual. The Big M. So?

SHE

What’s the rush? I haven’t decided yet...

HE

It’s our turn (to COUNTER PERSON) ‘Number 8’

COUNTER PERSON

The full meal?

HE

Yup.

COUNTER PERSON

(keying in order)

Soft drink with that?

HE

Right. So? (to SHE) What’s it gonna be?

SHE

O-kay...I’ll take...

HE

...let me guess. Number 5

SHE

So what? At least chicken breast is a healthier choice. Too much beef is bad for your heart

HE

Is that a fact? Then I guess you won’t be taking the full meal ‘cause it has fries. Right?

SHE

A few fries now and then don’t hurt.

HE

Okay. She’ll have the full meal, fries included...

SHE

...and a coffee

SERVER

(stunned look on her face)

So you want a soft drink AND coffee?

SHE

No. Just a coffee please

SERVER

That won’t work.

SHE

Why not?

SERVER

The full meal comes with a soft drink.

HE

Can’t you replace the soft drink with a coffee?

SERVER

Uh-uh. If you want a coffee, then you can’t have the full meal. That’s the way it works

SHE

What? Never heard of that!

SERVER

I’ll have to order each item, separately

HE

That makes no sense, whatsoever, not to mention cost more

SHE

I mean, we could keep it between the two of us. We wouldn’t have to tell the computer. Really – it will never know

SERVER

You can order a full meal WITH a medium soft drink AND a coffee. That’s okay

SHE

What? But...I can’t drink all that liquid! I’ll float

HE

Just say yes and we’ll throw away the soft drink.

SHE

No – this is like...soooo stupid. All I want – all I need – is a coffee. Periiod

SERVER

But you can have a small coffee AND a soft drink

SHE

What type of crappy rule is that? Just like your dumb no refills on tea rule.

(manager is watching the server and listening to conversation)

HE

Our food is getting cold. Please make the necessary adjustment

SERVER

(very unnerved)

I’ve...never had this happen...before. I’m going to have...to...speak with someone. If you take a meal...you have to have a soft drink...

(she starts to turn around and is confronted with manager. They have an animated conversation)

Um...my manager says you can have coffee instead of a soft drink.

SHE

Oh goodie!

(COUNTER PERSON computes total. HE checks bill)

HE

You’ve over-charged us by a dollar

COUNTER PERSON

Really? Let me see the bill... You’re right. Now I’m going to have to place the order all over again. So that would be a full meal Big M...a full meal chicken breast...two soft drinks...

SHE

Coffee...

2011-10-03T16:15:00.000-04:00

"OLD SOLDIERS" - BEEN WORKING ON RE-WRITE

Last night having watched the 25th anniversary show of "Les Mis", again, for the umpteenth time on PBS, it inspired me to tackle my current re-write of "Old Soldiers". As mentioned previously, I'm planning to enter it as a radio play in the BBC International Radio Playwriting Competition, all being well. As it reads now it's a short story inspired by an interview I did with an army veteran/old soldier as a columnist for the Remembrance Day edition. In spite of the dour subject, it's one of my favorite stories.

Rather than let it atrophy as a computer byte, I'm attempting to re-work it as a radio play. Dialogue has never been a problem for me but the addition of sound is something else. Situations have to be created whereby sound effects help carry the story line. My problem is that the story is flowing but the sound effects are limited. The deadline is April 2012 so there's still time to overcome this barrier and it is a barrier for me.

Last night I actually wrote, as took pen in hand, a few pages that really don't fit in the story line, yet, but it will one hopes. Sometimes a stretch of dialogue jumps into my head and the story moves in a different direction than expected. My philosophy is go with the flow. Maybe it will work and maybe it won't but we'll have to see down the line. It's a good omen since it happened twice before and resulted in the completion of my two full plays.

Meanwhile, I'm thinking about submitting one of my short plays, "For the Birds" to a competition. It's a good play and was actually a finalist in a short screenwriting competition, but after a long period of not having read it, looking forward to seeing how it reads and "feels." Hopefully, my muse will co-operate.

2011-09-06T20:09:00.003-04:00

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAY-ETTE

THE LIPSTICK LADY

SCENE: COSMETIC SECTION AT WALMARTS. WOMAN CUSTOMER IS STANDING IN FRONT OF LIPSTICK DISPLAY COUNTER, EXAMINING LIPSTICKS.

WOMAN CUSTOMER
(softly to herself)

What is it with cosmetic companies and their love affair with the color pink? I can’t wear pink and I’m sure a lot of other people can’t wear it either!

(picks up lipstick tube, removes cover to examine color)

(cont’d.) Blech! It’s supposed to be beige and it’s good, old pink again! Pink...pink...and more pukey pink!

(OLDER HEAVY-SET FEMALE (OHSF) with light blond hair and her face covered with heavy make-up, pushes her shopping cart into woman customer’s heels)

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Ow!

(OLDER HEAVY-SET FEMALE ignores her and attempts to push in front of display counter)

WOMAN CUSTOMER
You ran into my heel with your shopping cart

OHSF
You should have moved

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Say what? I was here first

OHSF
I need room

WOMAN CUSSTOMER
(giving OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE the once-over)
That’ obvious. You could apologize – that would be the polite thing to do

OHSF
I could – but I’m not. Now if you’ll move...

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Not! I’m looking for lipsticks here. When I’m finished, you may have my place, eventually

OHSF
So how long d’ya think you’re gonna be?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Who knows! Maybe five minutes...maybe half an hour. Depends

OHSF
Depends on what?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Whether you apologize

OHSF
That’s blackmail. You’re not a nice person

WOMAN CUSTOMER
I’m not a nice person? You run into my heels and refuse to say, “sorry” and I’m not nice?

OHSF
This is ridiculous. Okay. My shopping cart accidentally ran into your heels. Okay- happy now?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
That’s not an apology! That’s a confession

OHSF
Take it or leave it

WOMAN CUSTOMER
It just so happens I’ve finished looking here. You may move in

OHSF
‘Oh thank you, thank you!’ Do you want me to get down on my hands and knees and kiss your boo-boo and make it better? Weirdo...

(WOMAN CUSTOMER moves shopping cart and she watches OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE out of corner of her eye)

OHSF
So lemme see here. Hmmmm...this looks like a nice shade. Nice and red but how does it smell

(OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE lifts tube up to her nose and inhales deeply for five seconds)

(cont’d). Crappy scent!

WOMAN CUSTOMER
You-you put the tube to your nose and smelled it!!

OHSF
That’s what a person does to smell

WOMAN CUSTOMER
That is like....soooo disgusting! How could you? People try on that lipstick!

OHSF
So?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Nose germs not to mention nose hair! Thinking about it makes me gag Tell me you don’t have a cold sore

OHSF
And if I did? I don’t like the smell of this brand anyway (replaces tube) Happy now?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
And you put back the lipstick?

OHSF
What did you want me to do with it?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Give it to a sales clerk or something. Just don’t replace it

OHSF
Why don’t you move down to another counter or something so you don’t have to see me

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Why don’t you!

OHSF
I’m not finished here, yet. In fact, I’m gonna smell every lipstick here!

WOMAN CUSTOMER
You are truly disgusting.

OHSF
Get over it. Now if you’ll excuse me...

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Fine. If that’s the way you want it.

(WOMAN CUSTOMER moves to where cash register computer is situated. There is an internal microphone located on the counter, which woman customer grabs)

CASHIER
Hey! You can’t do that!

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Just borrow for a minute... ‘Now hear this, now hear this! Calling all female shoppers. Lipstick is being given away free in the cosmetic section. You heard it right – FREE! Just push your shopping cart over to lipsticks and you’ll see a fake blond haired lady who is waiting to serve you.’

(There is a rush of shopping carts that head for the cosmetic department)

WOMAN CUSTOMER (cont’d)
So what is it worth to you not to tell everyone heading here that you sniffed all the lipsticks?

CASHIER
You smelled all the lipsticks here? I’m calling security...

OHSF
Not all... I mean, she’s lying... Really...

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Saw her with my own eyes. She's a sniffer alright. Disgusting! By the way – do you happen to have the shade, Beige Goddess?

2011-08-18T09:40:00.000-04:00

THE PLASTICVILLE GANG IS PREPARING FOR THEIR CLOSEUPS!

Just finished a visit in Plasticville where Barbie, Ken and the always problematic, G.I. Joe, are back in business. The gang has gone through a lot including embarrassing social faux-pas', romantic situations, gun shots and related injuries, being relegated to boxes in a warehouse, but they have decided to forget the past and start anew.

Given the situation in which G.I. Joe refuses to reliniquish his weapon of choice, which includes taking it to bed while sharing sleeping quarters with Barbie, trouble is on the horizon. Then there's always Ken whose visit to the hearing specialist on Barbie's advice, has not proved helpful since he still hears people calling out: "surf's up!" The Australian visitor, Blain, has still not regained full consciousness and add the Bratz attempts to undermine Barbie's popularity, and you've gone some potential problems.

Never a dull momemnt in Plasticville and we'll all be there to share it.

2011-08-17T17:10:00.000-04:00

BARBIE, KEN & THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE: THE CONTINUING SAGA OF LIFE AMONG THE PLASTIC PEOPLE

"THE BREAKUP"

SCENE: KEN has shown up at Barbie's beach house where BARBIE, G.I. JOE and her friends are...partying. BARBIE has convinced G.I. JOE to stay back and keep watch over the house and the party while she i.e. BARBIE, take a walk on the beach with KEN.

KEN
Wow! This is nice. Just like the old days, babe! Me...you...

BARBIE
Um...Ken... I think we should talk

KEN
...the water and our surfboards. Remember, Barbie, before HE came along?

BARBIE
I think our problems go back much further than that

KEN
...we bought matching surfboards... Remember that? Then I got a tattoo to tell the world who I love.; It's still there, Barbie - read it - and remember

BARBIE
(moving her head side-ways to read it on KEN's arm)
"I Love Bra-B"?

KEN
So the tattoo guy was dyslexic and a little hard of hearing. His heart was in the right place, though! Surf's up! I hear it!

BARBIE
Focus Ken! Try and focus!

KEN
But those were such great times! You hav'ta admit they were great times... Okay. I'm focused now

BARBIE
Listen - true we were...

KEN
Hear? Is that a bigggg wave coming in? I think it is! Why don't we go get our surfboard and...

BARBIE
Forget about the wave, 'kay? Now look into my eyes, Ken. Like...we hav'ta talk!

(BARBIE holds KEN's head between her extended plastic hands but KEN attempts to move his plastic head towards the ocean)

(cont'd BARBIE) Ken! Pay attention! Things have changed. I've changed and evolved! Like...now I have a whole new line of clothing and...I'm a big celeb and...I hang out with the Bratz and stuff.

KEN
Me too! I can hang out with your gang! I use'ta be a star! Remember?

BARBIE
Like...see...that's the problem, Ken. You used to be a star but now you're just like...normal. Get it?

KEN
Um...yes... No - not really
BARBIE
Okay. Like...listen. I'm this really big well-known celebrity and you - well - you are a guy who likes to surf with only one outfit to wear. It just won't work!

KEN
What if I...give up surfing?

(KEN pivots as if he's on a surf board while talking to BARBIE)

BARBIE
Like...it can't be, Ken. Look at the way you dress. You've been wearing those same surfing trunks ever since we met. It's like - disgusting!

KEN
Hey - I hit the waves every day so they're always clean!

BARBIE
Ken...Ken...Ken... My poor Ken. Hit one too many times on the head with your surf board. You just don't get it, do you?

KEN
Huh? Get what? You want I should go get our surfboards 'cause if that's what you want, it won't take more than a couple hours if I leave right now...

BARBIE
I give up! Let's go back

KEN
Are you sure you don't wanna ride the waves? You use'ta like that

BARBIE
No Ken - I do-not-want-to-ride-the-waves with you

KEN
Are you riding the waves with somebody else 'cause if you are... I mean to say, if you is... Is there someone else? Is it G.I. Joe?

BARBIE
G.I. is just a friend, Ken, although he doesn't want to believe it.

(As they walk back, the sound of loud bangs resembling gun shots breaks the stillness of the night)

KEN
Uh-oh...I don't like the sound of that

BARBIE
Like...ohmygawd! I just hope it isn't...I pray that it isn't...

KEN
Yeah. Me too. Nothing spoils a night of surfing like a thunder storm. The last time I surfed during a storm, my board got hit with a bolt of lightning. I was unconscious for a good two minutes.

BARBIE
That would explain a lot. Uh-oh...is that G.I. Joe out there on the lawn?

(As they near BARBIE's beach house, BARBIE and KEN spot GI JOE shooting away wildly at...something)

(BARBIE cont'd) G.I. Joe! What are you doing?

G.I. JOE

It's okay, babe! Spotted an intruder and I took care of the problem. He'll never bother you again

(BARBIE, walking on tippy-toes with KEN lagging behind, rushes over and after several unsuccessful attempts at trying to get down on her knees, she bends over at the waist to see who the intruder is)

BARBIE
(gasping)
Like...omygawd! You've shot...

G.I. JOE
Yeah. No need to thank me, babe! I'm a trained sharp-shooter!

BARBIE
You...you...idiot!

G.I. JOE
Aw babe! You always say the nicest things!

BARBIE
You shot Blain, the Australian surfer dude.

G.I. JOE
He's the enemy, babe! A guy has'ta do what a guy has'ta do!

BARBIE
Ken - call the beach rescue

KEN
Uh-oh! Surf's up! Gotta go!

(KEN rushes off, leaving BARBIE and G.I. JOE alone)

G.I. JOE
No need t'thank me, babe

(BARBIE opens her Barbie carry-all purse and produces her cell phone)

BARBIE
'Hello - send an ambulance right away to Barbie's Fun'n'Famous Beach House right away!'

Question du jour: Will Barbie be able to save Blain (Australian dude and former love of her life) or is it too late? To be continued)..

2011-07-29T19:59:00.003-04:00

SCENES FROM LIFE
At the Pharmacy - The Lineup part III

SCENE: A PHARMACY. A LINE OF PEOPLE WAIT TO PAY FOR ITEMS. A MAN AND A WOMAN IN THEIR 60'S STAND IN LINE WITH A SHOPPING CART FILLED WITH TOILET PAPER AND KLEENEX/TISSUES.

CASHIER

Sorry - only two packages per customer. See the sign, there?

(m/w have a discussion and analyze the situation

CASHIER (cont'd.)

Tell you what - I could make two bills, which will allow you to buy the specials

(another animated discussion lasting more than a minute between man and the woman. Man departs and woman waits while man gets shopping cart and travels up and down the aisles buying still more items before heading for cash)

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

(aside to cashier while watching couple unload the new items on to the counter)

How long will this take d'ya figure?

CASHIER

Not too long - I hope. I still have to cancel the bill...

CASHIER (aside to couple)

'I'll cancel this bill and make up two new one's'

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Why? Just make up one new bill for everything

CASHIER

(gesturing to items in cart)

Can't do that. They added more items

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

But we have to wait still longer if you make two bills. Some people (gestures with face to man/woman) have absolutely no consideration for the rights of others!

ANOTHER CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMANCUSTOMER

Do you believe this?

(MAN removes items from shopping cart)

MAN

I changed my mind. I don't want these after all

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Say what? You're kidding, right?

CASHIER

Uh-oh...that means...

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Please - don't say it - don't tell me you have to cancel the bill, again

ANOTHER CUSTOMER BEHIND CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

This is incredible!

CASHIER

(to man/woman)

Are you sure that's it, now?

(WOMAN stares at MAN)

MAN

That's it. We really don't need all that toilet paper

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN
Oh I don't know about that...

CASHIER

Can I make up the bill now?

MAN

You can add it all up

CASHIER

(folding cancelled cash slips)

Just a minute while I put these bills away... Okay. That will be a total of blah-blah

MAN

(searching the pockets in his pants, frantically)

Um - seems I left my wallet in the car. Sorry. I'll be back in a minute

(MAN rushes out of line and outside)

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN
(aside to cashier)

This is unbelieve! Let us go before them! We've waited long enough

CASHIER

Can't...

CUSTOMER BEHIND CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

...I know. You tallied their bill

ANOTHER CUSTOMER BEHIND CUSTOMER

Such selfishness! Does he not realize how dangerous it is to leave a wallet in the car?

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Obviously not

(MAN rushes in, produces wallet, pays)

CASHIER

Do you have our pharmacy point card?

MAN

What's that?

(aside to CUSTOMER behind CUSTOMER behind MAN/WOMAN)

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Please don't ask him that!

MAN

How do I get this card? Do I get something for free?

CLERK

You have to fill out our application. Then you get points

MAN

Do you have an application form?

Aside to customers: 'This won't take long'

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

(loudly)

'Hello! Is there another cashier on duty? Customers need help - now!'

(another cashier arrives and opens a cash)

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Thank goodness you opened. I mean, talk about being selfish..

CLERK

Um...there's a limit on how many soft drinks you can buy. Only 4 per customer

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Oh really? I didn't know that. Go know!

(turning to customer behind her)

(cont'd) 'Excuse me but would you mind buying me a few bottles of soft drink that I of course will pay for? It won't take long. I'll just run over there and get more bottles...be back in a sec..'.

2011-07-22T09:27:00.001-04:00

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE

AT THE HAIRDRESSER PART 4

SCENE: A SMALL HAIR SALON. FEMALE CLIENT (FC) ENTERS, GOES TO THE BACK OF SALON WHERE HAIR STYLIST, PEGGY, IS WASHING HAIR

FEMALE CLIENT (FC)
I know I’m early. See you’re busy there...

HAIR STYLIST
I’ll be ready for you in fifteen minutes

FC
Should I waste some time next door at the pharmacy?

HAIR STYLIST
Why - you need something?

FC
My cosmetic collection always needs refreshing. Maybe a new lipstick...

HAIR STYLIST
Okay. Be back in ten minutes

FC
I’ll be back before then. If I hang around there too long, the store clerks start looking at me funny

(starts to leave – stops to greet MARY, another hair stylist)

‘Hi Mary! How y’a doin’?’

MARY

(blowing a client’s hair dry)

Hot! That’s how I’m doing! The friggin' air conditioner isn’t working! Must be a hundred degrees, probably more, in here!

FC
Sorry I asked...

(FC leaves and upon returning, sits on couch)

(cont’d. FM1)
God is it hot outside!

MARY
Damned right and the damned air conditioner is as useless as tits on a bull!

FC
I get the picture. Since you so eloquently brought it to my attention, how come it’s so hot in here? It’s usually freezing

MARY
Like I said...

FC
...because ‘the friggin' air conditioner isn’t working!’ Has the boss called somebody to fix it?

MARY
Are you kidding? That would cost money! Shit! Look at me! I’m dripping wet!

PEGGY
Ohmygawd. Mary – you’re even sweating through your pants! Gross! And in the wrong place, too!

MARY
Oh gee thanks! Maybe I should just do hair in my underwear!

PETER (another hair stylist)
Don't encourage her! She will!

PETER'S CUSTOMER
That would be interesting!

FC
It’s like there’s no oxygen in the air. Really hot in here

PETER
We’ve got it at number six – that’s the highest. The system needs cleaning

FC
So why doesn’t your boss have it cleaned

PETER
Because it cost money!

FC
But in the end, it’ll cost him more money if he doesn’t maintain the system!

PETER
You know that, and I know that, but he’s too cheap!

MARY
Shit! I can’t take this heatttttt! Put down the temperature some more

PETER
If I do that – the whole system will break down. Would that be better?

PEGGY
It’s the hair dryers. They make it hot, too. Then the door opening and closing...

FC
It’s not really that bad...I mean, it’s bearable

PEGGY
Wait ‘til you have a towel and plastic poncho around your neck for a while!

MARY
Somebody do something before I scream!

(goes to small fridge and grabs bottle of cold water and gulps it down)

PEGGY
Okay – I’m leaving you my curling iron while I’m away on vacation. What else do you need?

MARY
Cold friggin' air!

PC
(laughing)
Mary does have a way with words, doesn't she!

PEGGY
I mean, aside from that? Any other equipment you want to borrow?

MARY
How long you going for?

PEGGY
You know how long - two whole weeks! Can’t wait!

MARY
Maybe you should re-consider. You never know - when you come back, we might not have a boss anymore if somebody doesn’t cool this place down!

(softly to Peggy and FC) ‘Oh look who’s here. Mr. Big Bucks himself!’

(salon boss strolls in)

SALON BOSS
(laughing)
So? Hot enough for everyone?

(to be continued...next time: Mary offers her boss some advice)

2011-07-19T10:10:00.003-04:00

Plasticville: Barbie, Ken & the Rest

Actually shared life in Plasticville along with other pieces years back, but it was a lot of fun to write so I'm bringing it back to share again as a personal encore from myself. Will share more depending on the interest and could just add some new follow-ups.

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE: THE CONTINUING SAGA OF LIFE AMONG THE PLASTIC SET

SCENE:A PARTY AT A MALIBU BEACH HOUSE. THERE IS MUSIC IN THE AIR AND THROUGH THE PICTURE WINDOW, WE CAN SEE BARBIE AND HER FRIENDS DANCING ITUP (on tippy-toes). A CONVERTIBLE DRIVES UP AND KEN, DRESSED IN HIS USUAL SURFING GEAR, GETS OUT AND HIDES BEHIND BUSHES AND PEERS INSIDE. SUDDENLY, GI JOE HOLDING HIS EVER-PRESENT WEAPON LOOKS OUT A HUGE PICTURE WINDOW. THE DOOR OF THE BEACH HOUSE OPENS AND GI JOE STANDS AT THE DOORWAY.

GI JOE
Who's there? Is somebody hiding 'cause if you are and I catch you, I'll blast the living daylights...

(BARBIE JOINS GI JOE)

BARBIE
Oh Joe! Just stop it right now! You are like...soooo paranoid

GI JOE
Thanks! That's what everyone tells me

BARBIE
Please come in and close the door! You're like...embarrassing me in front of my friends

GI JOE
Them Bratz babes? Lemme tell you Barbie doll - they ain't your friends! You should hear what they say about you behind your back

BARBIE
You know I can't see or hear what's going on behind my back! I can't even turn my head without help...or even scratch an itch

GI JOE
Me neither...but I hear all of them whispering

BARBIE
Oh plleeze! You see plots everywhere! I can't find any kitchen help because you insist on frisking the help every five minutes

GI JOE
Hey - me and the pool guy are close friends now

BARBIE
I heard...very close friends

GI JOE
Ssssh....hear that?

BARBIE
What? I don't hear anything

GI JOE
Well I do! I'm trained to hear. My ears are a lethal weapon

BARBIE
So is your brain

GI JOE
Thank you! Love 'ya babe! Uh-oh! There's somebody hiding somewhere!

BARBIE
It's probably just Paris Hilton's dog in heat again. The dog is always hot for my chiuahua, Mimi.

GI JOE
No - it's a human...and...it's hiding somewhere....over there!(

(GI JOE RUNS OVER TO THE BUSHES WHERE KEN IS HIDING)

GI JOE
Whoever is in there better show your face or I'm gonna shoot first and ask questions later. Wait a minute... I'm gonna ask questions and then shoot later... Something like that

(KEN SLOWLY STANDS UP)

KEN
Don't shoot! It's me, Joe! Ken! Remember? Our fun games at my beach house? I dress up like nurse and you...

GI JOE
Yeah...I remember. My soldier senses tell me that you're... an enemy! Sorry but I gotta blast you, Kenny boy

KEN
No! I swear! I'm a friend!

BARBIE
Ken? Is that you? How many more times do I have to tell you that we're through?

GI JOE
'ya want me to shoot him, babe? 'Cause I can! Just say the word!

KEN
No! You can't shoot me because...because...

2011-07-11T22:00:00.001-04:00

OLD SOLDIERS - UPDATE

Made some progress and added some new dialogue to "Old Soldiers". Now working on starting from the beginning of the story, rather than continue to focus on the section where a group of old vets meeting in the bar/pub. This will stay as is (at least for the time being) but before proceeding, I have to see where it all began.

I'm planning to introduce a female into the mix in order to show that Joe has a soft side. Most likely other characters who will show themselves as the writing progresses. Never know which direction a story line will go and that's what makes the task so interesting.

As much as I dislike - make that detest - doing a character chart and breakdown, it really does help. Actually, I didn't do it for the other two plays since I knew the beginning and ending before I even started writing the plays. The Old Soldiers story line is there in the short story version but like my paintings, it can change a hundred times until I get that internal "click" indicating it's working. Hopefully, this will help the process. Love this story and became close to the characters to the point where on occasion, I actually quote a line out loud when I'm in a situation that fits the line.

2011-07-06T08:38:00.003-04:00

SCENES FROM LIFE

THE LINE UP II - a short playette for a short encounter

By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: Supermarket. 8-items-or-less line, where three people are waiting to check out items. A female with a shopping cart attempts to go through

FEMALE
Um - excuse me?

Male in front appears not to hear her so she speaks a little louder

FEMALE
Excuse me! I'd like to pass?

Male glances at her, then quickly away

FEMALE attempts to go by but is unable, due to the man blocking her

FEMALE
The aisle is wide and I'm thin, but not enough to squeeze by. If you don't mind - could you move to the side?

the other two customers gladly move against the counter to allow the shopping cart & female to pass. Male mumbles something unintelliglble, pointing to the door

FEMALE
Look - I had to pee. Okay? I parked my shopping cart outside the door and now I have to get through here to shop. So if you'll step aside...

MALE
Go out and around!

FEMALE
Pardon? You expect me to take my cart, go outside and re-enter when all you have to do is move towards the side, which will take a mere 10 seconds? Not!

the two shoppers move against the counter, again to allow the cart to pass

FEMALE
I don't believe this!

MAN STANDING AT COUNTER NEARBY
Me neither! I've been watching the guy. Misery!

FEMALE
Are you going to let me by or not?

MAN stands defiantly in middle of checkout aisle

FEMALE stands leaning on shopping cart, glaring at man who up until this point has been taking his time packing his things in bags.

FEMALE
(as MAN moves by her)
You are just too kind and what a gentleman! I'll make sure to remember your face in case you want the same courtesy.

MAN STANDING NEARBY AT COUNTER
Oh he's a real nice guy, alright!

As MALE passes, FEMALE shopper moves her shopping cart forward and somehow rolls a wheel over his foot

FEMALE
Oh no! How clumsy of me! Just one foot, though. You still have another! And now to go shop for food...

2011-06-29T11:30:00.010-04:00

OLD SOLDIERS - THE PLAY CONTINUES

"Old Soldiers" is slowly evolving into a play. Whether it will be or could be considered radio-ready is another story or issue.

As mentioned in a number of previous pieces, I missed the deadline for the BBC Radio International Playwriting Competition. I had intended to re-write my favorite all-time short story, "Old Soldiers" into a radio play but somehow it just didn't happen. So what else is new.

In any case, I'm determined to have it ready for the next competition. To this end I even posted and shared pieces of it in this blog and received feedback from a cyber aquaintance who had written for radio. He wasn't impressed - let's leave it at that. It's been my experience that if I listened to everybody who has ever expressed a negative opinion about my writing, my career would never have lasted more than thirty years. I do, however, respect people's reactions but in the end will go by my gut feeling.

Today I'm proud to share that I wrote four pages of dialogue. It was the introduction so it's important and I like the end result. Now I have to think about how the story line will develop and will use and write a guide to this end. Always amazes me how and when my characters write their own lines. I hear them talking and am an invisible visitor as they share their lives. How fortunate I am!

2011-06-24T11:38:00.006-04:00

TIME FOR ANOTHER "SKATE" RE-WRITE? MAYBE...

Perhaps it's the lousy weather that is making me feel very contemplative but for whatever reason, but I'm toying with the idea of re-writing my one and only film script, "Skate!"

The script was written a number of years ago and based on a personal experience learning to skate as a young girl of eight or nine...maybe ten, who remembers that far back. I wrote the script with the help of a Syd Field "how-to" book and the words and dialogue practically wrote themselves. Love it when that happens! Always consider that a good omen.

Initially, my idea was to do it as a play but the location changes and outdoor settings made it not viable. I suppose it could be done but somehow I envision it as a film.

Actually, perhaps it doesn't even need re-writing and having stored it away for a long time without as much as a glance, reading it now will certainly give me some perspective as to its viability. The mere idea of reading it makes me nervous. Although I always believed it to be good, what happens if in the end it's a piece of junk? What happens if it requires a complete re-do? Do I still have it in me to produce another angle not covered in the story line?

In any case, the first step is to dig it out among my collection of play re-writes. Then I'll place it on the table and look at the cover for a while. Perhaps 10 minutes...maybe more. I'll start at the list of characters and slowly, very slowly turn the pages until I get to scene 1. Most likely I'll take a deep breath, lick my lips a few times and go get something to drink. Keeping your throat wet is very important. I'll take a few breaths and begin:

EXT. SKATING RINK. NIGHT.

2011-05-15T20:39:00.014-04:00

ARKS TO GO - the Flood Sequel
BY ELEANOR TYLBOR

SCENE: WOMAN STARING OUT OF WINDOW

WOMAN
This is getting ridiculous...all this rain falling day after day... It’s gotta mean something...

(Grabs cell phone and checks for phone number)

WOMAN (cont'd.)

Good thing I kept the number...aha! Found it!

(punches in phone number)

WOMAN
Hello... Hello? Is anybody there? Anyone? Someone?

(DEEP) VOICE
I’m here – and where are you?

WOMAN
Is this Noah’s Ark?

VOICE (NOAH

It could be. Who wants to know?

WOMAN
I saw your ad on TV yesterday. You build arks?

NOAH
Whom am I speaking to or with or at?

WOMAN
You don’t know me...

NOAH
...but you know me? How strange

WOMAN
I mean to say that I know you through your TV ads, not on a one-to-one basis

NOAH

That would explain it, then. Noah’s my name and arks are my game (chuckles)

WOMAN
Then I’ve got the right person. Listen...

NOAH
You know my name so it’s only fair I know yours

WOMAN
I’m not sure...I mean, I’m just calling you for information, actually

NOAH
Do I sense uncertainty on your part? Perhaps you really don’t want to build an ark?

WOMAN
I think I do...I’m just not sure... Y'see – it’s all this rain that we’ve been having. Never ending, day-after-day, pelting down, and then there’s all that flooding all over the world. I think somebody is trying to tell us something if you get my drift

NOAH

(laughing)
‘Get my drift’ and you want to build an ark. You made a witty statement. I like a sense of humor! It shows a healthy mind

WOMAN
Whatever - my ex would disagree... So you’ll sell me one?

NOAH
Sell? My dear – I don’t sell arks. I custom build them to certain specifications

WOMAN
That sounds expensive. How much do you charge?

NOAH
Not everything has a monetary value. Now...say I do agree to make you an ark, how many species are we talking about here?

WOMAN
I’m...not sure what you mean

NOAH
How many species will be joining you on the ark? Fifty...one-hundred...more perhaps?

WOMAN
To be honest, I hadn’t thought about – well – taking... species along. Just me, my cat Diamond and Clover, my dog

NOAH

You’re not...taking...any animals? Oh no! That won’t do at all. We couldn’t have that. Absolutely not! Good bye!

WOMAN
Hello? Hello? Noah? Are you there?

(she punches in buttons frantically)

WOMAN (cont'd.)
Just what I need, to piss off the ark builder... It’s ringing... ‘Answer – please!’

NOAH
Yes?

WOMAN
It’s me again! I’m sorry! You never mentioned anything in the ad about taking animals along! I mean, I’m allergic....

NOAH
I see...

WOMAN
...but I could take antihistamines! Please – build me an ark?

NOAH

Perhaps. How many species will be joining you?

WOMAN
I dunno. How about two dozen? Would that be acceptable? I mean, twenty-four is a good round number

NOAH
A hundred would be better

WOMAN
A hundred? Animals? What’s the matter with me? We’re only talking about cats and dogs and chipmunks and maybe birds...some deer...

NOAH
Actually, I thinking more of elephants, tigers, zebras – species of that nature

WOMAN
Say what?

NOAH
You remember the last time. Two of everything?

WOMAN
Would that also include – well – a human type male?

NOAH
That would indeed. Just you and him, the only humans on the ark

WOMAN
I suppose I could adapt to wild animals. After all, I do clean kitty litter. So how long do young think it will take to build the ark? Not that I want to rush you or anything but all this rain is swelling the rivers and we still have to load all those elephants and tigers. No snakes, okay? I hate snakes!

NOAH

No snakes. That what got you humans in trouble in the first place

2011-05-04T09:08:00.011-04:00

FURTHER THOUGHTS ABOUT MY PLAYS...I like them

Sometimes it takes people dropping by this blog to read my plays that renew my confidence in my capacity to write plays. In particular I'm referring to the 'shorts' - 10 minutes and under -some of which are showing up in the page-view count. That's nice. There are thousands if not millions of blogs being written and shared, in the hope of attracting the interest of readers. Plays are a bigger challenge because they fall into a certain niche, which is not everybody's cup of tea so to speak.

Although I've written two full plays, the short plays and short-short play-ettes are fun to write. They take a comedic route and for whatever reason bring out the cynical, sarcastic side of my personality. Further examination of recent visits by virtual strangers in the true sense of the word, reveals that "Waiting for Roach", written in 2008, piqued the interest of a couple of people. Maybe more, even. I've always felt it had potential but then I get that feeling for most of my plays, but this one in particular since it has only two characters from different age groups. Unfortunately (how I loathe that word) and after sending it out/submitting it to share with the theatre world, it has yet to be performed. However, reading it over thanks to bloggers, I have a new appreciation for the content as I do all the other plays that have surfaced. Keep reading them, people! It inspires me!

Then there are the fun "Barbie and Ken" sagas focusing on the adventures of the plastic fashionista and her circle of vinyl friends, which were popular when first written a few years ago. Although I planned to return to continue their adventures, for one reason or another - laziness comes to mind - I haven't as yet. For those people reading this who are waiting, more updates are forthcoming as long as their "parent" doesn't threaten to sue. Barbie is bored with Ken...again and this could mean trouble.

Many of the plays are based on personal experience and "The Teabag" is an account of a trying to get a tea refill at McDonalds. There - I wrote it. McDonalds offers free coffee refills but not tea refills. There is an injustice in that but I digress. This short-short is a personal favorite as are all of them, actually, especially "The Bra" that helped me get over a negative encounter attempting to return a bra. But I digress - again.

It's always gratifying as an aspiring playwright - although how long one can retain the "aspiring" status is worth a ponder or two - and writer to know that people read one's literary output and it gives one the impetus to continue in the hope that one day somebody, somewhere, will acknowledge their greatness and produce one of them. To paraphrase that famous line from "Sunset Boulevard": they're ready for their close-ups... You get the idea.

2011-05-03T09:25:00.005-04:00

PHONE TALK
SHORT PLAY/COMEDY SKETCH

by Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: Cell phones ring. SELMA and ELAINE, two seniors, conduct their daily conversation with each other to discuss…life.

ELAINE
Hello? Selma?

SELMA
Who are you and how d’ya know my name?

ELAINE
Gee – just lucky I guess! Get real, woman! It’s me!

SELMA
You…who? I don’t speak to people with no name. Goodbye!

(SELMA hangs up. Phone rings again)

ELAINE
Why’d you hang up on me?

SELMA
You called? When did you call?

ELAINE
Just now. Selma – it was me who called!

SELMA
I thought the voice sounded familiar

ELAINE
Oh fer… You don’t recognize the voice of your sister after all these years? I mean, really

SELMA
You sounded different

ELAINE
(sniffing a few times)
That’s ‘cause I got a cold

SELMA
It is you, Elaine! Why didn’t you just say so?

ELAINE
I tried – God knows I tried! Moving right along…

SELMA

You're moving? You never told me!

ELAINE

(coughs)

I'm not moving. I meant...anyway

SELMA
You’re sick? Stay away from me!

ELAINE
I can always count on you to have a sympathetic ear. Listen – I gotta go put drops in my nose so I’ll call you back

SELMA
Are you sure you should be talking to me? I mean – you could spread germs through the phone. These days you never know. Don't take too long 'cause I'm going out

(Both hang up. Phones ring again)

SELMA
Hello?

ELAINE
It’s me again. Sorry – hadda take some new pills

SELMA
Oh? What kind?

SELMA
Go know! I take so many these days. Some for my sinus (she sniffs)…some for my throat (she coughs)… Yeah – lots of pills…

ELAINE
So what’s new?

SELMA
What could be new?

ELAINE
I dunno. That’s why I’m asking

(pause for 2 seconds)

SELMA
I lead a very boring life and most of it is spent in doctor’s waiting rooms

ELAINE
You? I have five appointments this week with five different doctors! Even they can’t find out what’s the matter with me

SELMA
Doctor Michaels sent me for tests, today

ELAINE
Your back?

SELMA
I never went away. Oh…you mean the problem with my crooked spine that pains me so badly? The pain, Elaine - the pain! What should I expect having Dr. Sadist treating me…that quack!

ELAINE
That’s a new doctor?

SELMA
That’s not his real name. I just call him that. He keeps prescribing me pills that don’t work. I tell him, ‘doctor – gimme something that works!’ but does he listen? You should never know such pain. I suffer Elaine – I suffer plennnnnty!

ELAINE
You think that I don’t know pain? My neck is so sore, I can’t turn my head anymore

SELMA
So? Look straight ahead. Nothing much happens on the sides anyway

ELAINE
I’m serious! The back doctor gave me some free pill samples to try but they don’t work

SELMA
What kind of pills?

ELAINE
Lemme think a minute…they’re yellow…phila…feeda…fadda…something like that. Anyway, what do you care? You don’t have back problems

SELMA
So what? Maybe they’d be good for my shoulder. (moaning) Ohhhhhhhh….such pain…

ELAINE
This is new. You never mentioned shoulder pain before. Maybe try acupuncture. Freda Smith tells me that she goes to that Swedish guy, Hans Offer and it worked miracles for her

SELMA
(laughing)
I’ve seen Offer and believe me – needles aren’t the only things he gives her if you know what I mean. Look at the time

ELAINE
You’ve got an appointment?

SELMA
That’s later. I’m off to the shopping mall. Big sale today

ELAINE
What about you shoulder…and your neck pain…

SELMA
What’s a little ache between the bargains. You know what they say – when the going gets tough – the tough go shopping. So you’ll be ready in 10 minutes?

ELAINE
Make it fifteen. And Selma – bring along some of those new yellow pills

2011-04-30T19:56:00.000-04:00

SCENES FROM LIFE:
A SHORT PLAY

AT THE HAIRDRESSER - PART 3

SCENE: A SMALL HAIR SALON. HAIR STYLIST PEGGY IS EATING LUNCH. CLIENT 1 ENTERS. ANOTHER CLIENT, STELLA, IS SITTING ON A COUCH, HER HEAD COVERED WITH HAIR DYE

PEGGY
Hi! Be with you in a sec. Just finishing lunch. First time I'm sitting down all morning

CLIENT
No problem. I'm not in a rush

PEGGY
What's it like outside, now?

CLIENT
Better than the last time I was here. Remember it was free-zing?

PEGGY
That was when that lady had a car accident, no?

CLIENT
Uh-huh. Did you ever find out what happened?

PEGGY
Neh. We just watched out the window 'til the car was towed away.

(turns her head to face MARY, another hair stylist, who is reading a fashion magazine)

But we would have known had MARY gone to find out, like I asked!

MARY
It was cold out. Why couldn't someone else go? Like Peter over there

(PETER, another stylist is trimming a male client's hair)

PETER
You talking to me?

MARY
You're the only guy with the name Peter here

PETER'S CLIENT
Hey - that's my name, too!

MARY
Seriously? Go figure!

PETER'S CLIENT
Neh. Just kidding

(PETER & his client laugh)

MARY
Ha-ha... stupid and more stupider think they're funny. Whatever...

PETER'S CLIENT
Hey! I'm a customer. I deserve respect!

PETER
Don't mind her. It's probably "that" time of the month. You know what I mean

(Peter and his client laugh)

MARY
How did you guess? Wanna share a tampon? I got an extra one

PETER
You are one weird chick...

MARY
You are one sexist pig

PEGGY
Moving right along. Did anybody watch the wedding?

(STELLA's eyes are glued to a small TV set on the wall)

STELLA
Isn't she beautiful? They look like such a happy couple

PETER
Give them time. They just got married

STELLA
So cynical at your age! Young love is wonderful!

MARY
The only love that Peter has is for himself

(Peggy and Mary laugh together)

STELLA
You like her dress? I think it's too plain. A royal princess...

PEGGY
...she's not a princess, Stella...

STELLA
She's not a princess?? Then what is she?

MARY
She's a plain person, like you and me

STELLA
But...she married a Prince! That's gotta make her something special

MARY
I'm sure she is, at least to William!

STELLA
Are you sure?

PEGGY
Mary's right. She's a commoner

STELLA
She's common? She doesn't come from a nice family?

PEGGY
No - I mean - of course she does but she's just not a princess

STELLA
I dunno...I think she is

(few seconds of quiet as everyone stares at the TV screen)

STELLA
(cont'd.)
What you think of her veil? I think it's not fancy enough

PEGGY
Well - it's...okay

MARY
It's plain but very classy. Suits her nicely

PETER
(high pitch, feminine voice)
Well - I personally think it should have had - you know - more flowers and pretty things? Oh and those hats the guests wore - they made such a statement! Yuck!

PETER'S CLIENT
Oh I couldn't agree with you more

(they both laugh out loud together)

MARY
Like I said, small things amuse small minds

STELLA
I'm dripping

MARY
What?

STELLA
I'm dripping. I think the dye is ready to be washed

MARY
(checking her watch)
Oh yeah - you're right. Move over to the sink?

STELLA
(glancing at the TV)
Her dress could have been fancier. A princess should have a fancy dress like she's an important person

PEGGY
Stella - she's not a prin... Forget about it...

2011-04-21T08:36:00.009-04:00

This is one of my started-but-not-finished full plays that I've tweaked. I've always liked it but for whatever reason, never completed it fully to its conclusion. Have done many updates. Perhaps that's my problem as a playwright: starting plays without carrying them through to the end. Over the years have come up with a number of possible endings, which is a good start. An ending means all I have to do is fill in the blanks and create a middle. Some of the cast characters listed, are introduced as the play progresses, later on.

The story focuses on a row of shrubs separating the back gardens of two neighbors and their continuing fued as to their ownership.

NEIGHBORS
(April 2011)

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

TAYLOR, JEFFREY, 45,
PORTMAN, ROBBIE, 47,
JENKINS, 50, next door neighbor on other side
PATTY, 40-ish, bartender
MARTINI, 60, land surveyor and friend of PORTMAN

THE TIME

The present. Mid-summer

SETTING: Back garden(s) of two neighbors. A picket fence separates their properties

AT RISE: Morning. Hot summer's day.

SOUND: Lawnmowers

ROBBIE (ROB) PORTMAN lazes in a hammock reading a book, holding a glass of liquid in his other hand. Dressed in cut-off jeans and a grungy tee shirt, his hair is long, unkempt and he sports a heavy beard

JEFFREY TAYLOR, his next-door neighbor is the antithesis of Portman and a perfectionist. He hoes his garden wearing a short-sleeved dress shirt, tie and pants. He stops to rest and slowly makes his way over to the fence and studies PORTMAN

TAYLOR
(wiping forehead)
Phee-ew! Must be a hundred degrees in the shade today. I’d be indoors right now if my tomatoes didn’t need pampering. That’s the real secret of growing big veggies, y’know? Give ‘em extra ‘TLC'. Hello? Am I disturbing you?

PORTMAN
(Takes gulp of liquid from glass)
Must be them damn chipmunks making a racket again

TAYLOR
How long you been laying there?

PORTMAN
Let's see now...what time did the sun come up?

TAYLOR
Had another liquid breakfast, did we?

PORTMAN
FYI - this is healthy, pure Florida, vitamin C orange juice

TAYLOR
You expect me to believe that's straight orange juice without any - how shall we say - additives? Pllleeze! Don't insult my intelligence

PORTMAN
Go suck on a lemon

TAYLOR
My-oh-my! Touchy-touchy aren’t we?

PORTMAN
Anything you say goes in one ear and out the other. Just like the hole in your head

TAYLOR
You know damn well what I'm getting at

PORTMAN
Just say it. You’re dying to. Then go away - forever!

TAYLOR
It’s not like I haven’t expressed my feelings a thousand times before

PORTMAN
How does what I do affect your life?

TAYLOR
Christ Portman, it's only gone ten in the morning! You’re well on your way to turning into an alcoholic. Doesn't that bother you? Why am I asking such a dumb question

PORTMAN
Been there - heard it all before, so don’t waste your breath. Go tend to your carrots or something. They need the Taylor touch

TAYLOR
Don’t ask me why but I care ‘bout you. I don't wanna see you end up with cirrhosis of the liver - or worse

PORTMAN
Since when do you give a crap about whether I live or die? My passing would make your life easier. Maybe somebody who loves zucchinis would move in and the two of you could get all touchy/feely running your hands all over them

TAYLOR
Do you see the incongruity in your chosen profession?

PORTMAN
Maybe I would if I could understand the question. Can’t you speak plain English like us regular people?

TAYLOR
It's the absurdity of it all? Do you get what I’m trying to tell you?

PORTMAN
Not really but I’ll have a dictionary handy the next time you give me another of your Taylor life lectures

TAYLOR
Owning a bar must be the best thing that ever happened to you with your thirst

PORTMAN
It’s a living and I like the people who drop by. You know – regular people, something you wouldn’t know anything about

TAYLOR
Denial - the sign of a true alcoholic. Can’t you see the writing on the wall?

PORTMAN
Not really but that dumb "keep of the grass” sign you got posted all over your property is the joke of the neighborhood

(Drains glass and glances at wrist watch)

Gotta leave. Patty is opening for me today

TAYLOR
Patty? She another of those hooter waitresses you hired?

PORTMAN
As if someone like you notice those things. You’re more into cucumbers if you get my drift. FYI - and not that it's any of your business - but Patty is the right hand to my left

TAYLOR
I bet she is – and then some

PORTMAN
What would someone like you know about women? Stick to zucchinis and cucumbers. They're more your style

TAYLOR
Spare me another of your drunken hallucinatory rants

PORTMAN
Take a look at yourself and your life. Work your butt off for a multi-national all those years, and what's it got you? A dinky house and a veggie garden

TAYLOR
Save me from the melancholy drunk offering his view of life in a brief second of clarity. What would someone like you know about work? Huh? In all the years we've lived next door to each other, the only position I've seen you in is lying on your back, with your lips glued to the rim of a beer bottle. How long has it been, anyway, since you held down any type of job if ever?

PORTMAN
What's it your business?

TAYLOR
You must be in your mid-forties or thereabouts?

PORTMAN
Never found a position to suit my qualifications. So what!

TAYLOR
Must be ne'er impossible to find a company that's looking for a hammock tester. How you've managed to survive on next to nothing is nothing short of a miracle, but then I would imagine your needs are few and far between. A bottle opener, a case of beer and you're all set

PORTMAN
Don't need big money to impress people, like you do. I'm a simple guy with simple tastes

TAYLOR
And a raging one for booze. How many bottles d'ya drink of that poison a day? A dozen? More?

PORTMAN
Who counts?

TAYLOR
You sure as hell don't. Just bugs me to see you frittering your life away, doing nothing productive

PORTMAN
So don't look man! Turn your head the other way and mind your own business for a change and not mine! Get off my back! Go home! Your lettuce is calling you!

TAYLOR
All I can say is that I wouldn't waste mine laying on my backside day after day, year after year

PORTMAN
It beats having to listen to you foam at the mouth about the evils of drinking

TAYLOR
A person has'ta leave his mark on this world! He's gotta be able to tell his children and grandchildren: I-was-here!

PORTMAN
My niece and nephew will know all about me, alright ‘cause I’m leaving them something to remember me by. When I pass on, this here house'l go to them, along with those be-u-tee-ful shrubs. Course I'll make sure to have that all included in my will

TAYLOR
By the time they inherit your house if you still own it, which is highly unlikely because the bank will probably take it back, those shrubs'l be long gone, I can promise you that

PORTMAN
(distracted)
Might even build a de-lux-ee tree house for them this summer so's their gran-kids will learn all about nature, up close and personal-like

TAYLOR
Wouldn't count on that, if I was you...

PORTMAN
...maybe hang some tire swings from the branches…

TAYLOR
Over my dead body!

PORTMAN
I can arrange that. Anyway, you don't have any say what I do with them shrubs

TAYLOR
Maybe not right now but don't count on them being there much longer if I have my way

PORTMAN
Thinking of moving? I know some guys who'll move you real cheap. Of course you may never see your furniture again…

TAYLOR
How come the topic of conversation between us always ends up about your shrubs growing on my property? Ten years of begging you to dig 'em up and they're still standing, getting taller every year. The longer you leave them, the more it's gonna cost you to cut 'em down when the time comes

PORTMAN
They ain't ever gonna be cut so why should I worry?

TAYLOR
Why must we always have this continuous confrontational relationship? Huh? We used to be close buds in high school. Remember?

PORTMAN
Even then you always thought you was better'n me. Your delusions started early

TAYLOR
Hey! I always defended you when everyone said you weren't fit to live with pigs. It was me who said you were! (laughs)

PORTMAN
Lookout world! Now Taylor thinks he's a comedian! Next thing you know he'll be tryin' to get his own talk show! You're a joke!

TAYLOR
It was a weak attempt at a little levity to lighten up our conversation. Seriously Robbie, what happened to our friendship over the years?

PORTMAN
So now it's ‘Robbie’? Don't try to sweet talk me 'cause I'm on to you. You'll never convince me to cut down my beauties as long as I'm living here, and I don't plan on movin' in the near distant future

TAYLOR
You're taking my gesture of friendship the wrong way. Look, let's forget about our...misunderstandings in the past. With a concerted effort on both our parts, we could be good friends again or at the very least, civil to each other. I mean, I could help you cut down those shrubs, which will save you money that you don't have anyway...

PORTMAN
(springing into an upright position)

...when pigs grow wings! You think I was born yesterday? As long as I do what you want, we can be friends, right? I got news for you! I don't give a damn about bein' your buddy. In fact, I don't even care if we ever speak to each other again! If there was a brick wall separating us, that would suit me just fine

TAYLOR
Don't be so hasty to refuse. I'm willing to let bygones be bygones. We could start the healing process by painting the outside of your house, together. That would be a good start. Hey - I can probably get us a discount on top quality exterior paint at Mackinley's Hardware, since I've been doing business with them for years. It'll be just like things were way back when

PORTMAN
Hel-lo! Ya haven't heard one word I said. Even if we did become friends, which ain't gonna happen in this lifetime, what'll we talk about? Huh? How to grow string beans? Think I don't see through your plan? The only reason you're talkin' to me nice-like, is 'cause nothing in the past has worked, and nothing you're gonna do in the future is gonna change a damn thing. Time for another beer. Sure you don't want one?

(takes a beer out of a cooler, snaps off the cap and drinks)

TAYLOR
Thing is, you hav'ta be blind not to see that the shrubs are a good two feet on my property. Tell you what. As an act of good faith and to show you that I'm sincere, I'll pay half the cost to have them removed. Now tell me that I'm not a good neighbor!

PORTMAN
What-a-guy! Gets me right… (pats his bum) here. Until you can prove to me that they're legally on your side, we ain't got nothin' to talk about. Until then…bottoms up

2011-04-12T09:03:00.012-04:00

2011-04-04T14:50:00.012-04:00

THE GOOD AND THE NOT-SO-GOOD UPDATE

"So Eleanor - tell us whether you submitted your revised and almost completely re-written play, "Old Soldiers" to the BBC International Playwriting Competition."

Missed the deadline for BBC International Playwriting Competition. It's so demoralizing. In spite of all my good intentions, that's as far as it got: good intentions. It couldn't be done - at least in time for this year. So what else is new but there's always next year. Even if nothing else, I'll have another play to submit.

It's not that the story line is weak but it requires a complete 're-think-through' and revisions that can't be made quickly. For example, in the re-write the opening has been changed to a bar (or pub) whereas in the short story, it was in Joe McKenna's apartment where he was alone with his thoughts and the occasional out-loud comment. It could work on stage but IMHO, not for radio.

Also added characters, Joe's friends and veterans, who meet at a bar/pub to toast another fallen old soldier - hence the name of the play. It's important to know why Joe et all feel the way they do. They are relics from another era who are suffering the ravages of old age. They are alone and in spite of their bickering, depend on each other for social inter-action and solace. Their medications require monetary output that they can't afford and their quality of life is limited.

Debating whether to introduce the character of Joe's landlady who does not presently exist and if so, whether or not she should be sympathetic or quite simply, mean. Also toying with the idea of adding a young boy or girl into the mix when Joe is in the park attending ceremonies. As they say: out of the mouths of babes, comes the real truth and clarity.

As stated - story is still in the revision/thinking things over, stage.

Meanwhile, went on the BBC site and read over a page focusing on writing a radio script, and another piece on hints for radio. Very helpful. Will print up the pages and keep them handy.

"Any good news to share with us, perhaps?"
Passed along my comedy play, "A Wedding!" to an aquaintance/actor/etc. for C&C and received a positive feedback. This was the first play I wrote and a personal favorite, although "Gin..." is funnier, again IMHO. This lifted my spirits although he suggested that I cut 10 pages.

Cut 10 pages??? Is that all???

This would mean I would have to consider yet another umpteenth re-write and I'm really not sure if I'm prepared to make a drastic change of this nature, at least not at this point. I'll think about it. Any positive feedback is an incentive to hang in but it gets harder. Perhaps the plays just aren't stage-worthy...then again, perhaps they are! Go know!

Meanwhile in order to keep my brain in a dialogue frame of mind, I'm going to start writing some more short pieces focusing on the adventures of Barbie and Ken and friends, and more scenes from life: a short playette. The latter are fun to write.

This best sums it all up: "If I write a new play, my point of view may be profoundly modified. I may be obliged to contradict myself and I may no longer know whether I still think what I think."
EUGENE IONESCO, Notes and Counter Notes

2011-03-04T08:44:00.007-05:00

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE HAIRDRESSER: PART 2

SCENE: SMALL HAIR STYLING SALON WITH THREE STYLISTS. FEMALE CLIENT ENTERS SALON

CLIENT
Hi all!

HAIR STYLIST (PEGGY)
You’re early. My 12:30 that was supposed to be here before you is late, but that’s okay. I’ll dye your hair, meanwhile

CLIENT
Cold! I’m frozen. Now I know what a popsicle feels like

PEGGY
You walked here?

CLIENT
Can you tell? I’m wearing a hat, which I absolutely hate, tights under pants, a heavy sweater and a scarf. To top it off, my fingers were so cold and I hadda go buy a cheapie pair of gloves to put inside these old gloves that are finished. My hands feel like the Incredible Hulk. My cheeks burn...

PEGGY
(distracted...looking out of salon front window on to the parking lot)
...what’s going on there?

CLIENT
Oh nothing much. Somebody drove their car into the snow bank. As I was saying, it’s really freezing...

PEGGY
OhmyGawd! I see the car. Wow!

CLIENT
Moving right along... Yup – there are big chunks of the front fender everywhere. Gonna cost big bucks for sure

(PEGGY places plastic cape around client’s shoulders, still staring out of window)

PEGGY
How’d that happen?

CLIENT
Hard to tell. To me, it looks like she was trying to avoid hitting a car that was entering the parking lot and had to swerve...

(a male client enters and sits in chair. STAVROS, men’s stylist, puts cape around him)

MALE CLIENT
Big accident...big...

STAVROS
Uh-huh. Gonna cost a lot to fix that baby

MALE CLIENT
Woman driver of course

(the two men laugh/cackle)

CLIENT
Actually, I saw another car involved and I think it’s a male driver

STAVROS
Yeah but the female probably caused it

(STAVROS and male client laugh)

PEGGY
(straining to see out of the window from her position, standing on tip-toe)
Hey – maybe that’s my customer and that’s why she’s late! Did you get a look at the driver of the car?

CLIENT
Couldn’t miss her. She was pacing back and forth, talking to some people about the accident.

PEGGY
What she look like? Did she have blond streaked hair?

CLIENT
I think so...yeah...she did

PEGGY
I bet that’s her!

CLIENT
Is your client slim? The woman is slim

PEGGY
No...she’s kind’a plump. I’m sure that has’ta be her! Mary – go out and check to see if it’s her!

(MARY, another stylist, is sitting in her chair reading a magazine)

MARY
I’m busy here and besides, it’s too cold

PEGGY
But it could be my customer. It’s gonna screw up all my appointments for tomorrow if it’s her

CLIENT
Yeah Mary – go see if it’s her and if so, tell her she's late and Peggy is waiting for her

PEGGY
Wait a minute – didn’t you say the woman driver was slim?

CLIENT
Uh-huh

PEGGY
Then it’s not her so where is my 12:30?

MALE CLIENT
The driver must’a missed the exit and drove into the snow bank. It’s an older Mercedes and those parts are expensive. Wait ‘til her husband finds out

(MALE CLIENT AND STAVROS LAUGH/CACKLE)

PEGGY
(returns from mixing color in back room. Stares out of window while stirring dye in bowl)
Hmmm...still, maybe my client lost weight and it’s her...

STAVROS
Gonna be tricky to tow the car outta the snow bank.

MALE CLIENT
Yeah but from what I saw, the whole front end of the car is finit-o anyway

PEGGY
Poor lady...

CLIENT
Um...Peggy? We put the dye on my hair, not on my forehead?

PEGGY
Oh...sorry...so busy checking the accident... I mean, what do I say if it’s her? ‘Too bad about your car?’

MARY
I doubt whether she’d keep the appointment, anyway

PEGGY
Probably not under the circumstances. Maybe I should go out and – you know – offer her a coffee or something

MARY
You don’t even know who that is! Anyway, you just wanna know how it happened

PEGGY
Well I would know if you’d go out and check...!

MARY
Alright already! I’ll go but if I catch pneumonia...

(to be continued...)

2011-02-18T20:47:00.006-05:00

OLD SOLDIERS - THE PLAY
As mentioned in a previous blog, working on converting my short story, "Old Soldiers", into a play for submission to the BBC International Radio Playwriting Competition. To this end, I've completed approx. a dozen pages so far, with merely a month or so to go. Whether or not I can finish in time remains uncertain but even if I don't complete it this year, plan to submit it next time round. Obviously, I have to make modifications and change the story line somewhat given that the play should be 70 pages. I really do like what I've written so far.

Sound effects are minimal, at least at this point, but the story line calls for more later on. Meanwhile, here is a sample of the play so far. Comments welcome.
Note the play is not formatted for stage.

OLD SOLDIERS
By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: A pub/bar.
SFX: Soft rock background music plays in the background, sound of people talking; sound of clinking glasses

JOE MCKENNA
Yup…yup…yup…one less of us. The way things are going, won’t be long before we’re all gone. ‘Over here, Mac!’ The man can hardly walk, even with a walker

MIKE
He's 87 for Christ's sake! We all ain’t peppy anymore in case you haven’t noticed. My glass is empty

JOE MCKENNA
Yeah and? I bought the last round

MIKE
Not! Well?

JOE MCKENNA
Well - what?

MIKE
It’s your damn turn to buy! Open up your pockets and free the moths

MAC
(gasping, breathing heavily)
Really... windy... out there – and cold. Hope it’s not...like this tomorrow

SFX: blows nose

MIKE
We don’t get to choose the kind of weather t’get buried. Anyway, it’s November.

JOE
Whad’ya having, Mac?

MIKE
You’re buying him a drink? What about me?

JOE
He just got here. You been sponging off me for an hour

MIKE
Say what? You got that backwards!

MAC
I don’t need no handout. I can afford t’buy my own drink, thank you very much.

JOE
Whatever…

MIKE
You should’a taken him up on that. The man’s a cheap bastard

MAC
(aside to bartender)
‘The usual!’ My body feels like one gigantic pain

JOE
Just a few of us old farts left, now.

SFX: GLASSES BEING PLACED ON BAR

BARTENDER
So who’s paying?

(five seconds of silence)

MIKE
He is!

MAC
I’ll pay for all of us if it means avoiding another fight. Drink up guys!

JOE
‘To all the fallen heroes – especially Percy – wherever you are!’ I cut his obit out’ta the paper t’keep as a souvenir

MIKE
Another obit for your wallet? Must be full by now

JOE
It’s easy to fill these days what with medical bills and all, but not with money.

MIKE
Don’t I know it

MAC
I wanted to keep the obit, too, but I don’t get the paper every day, anymore

JOE
I’ll save mine for you when I finish. A person should keep up with what’s going on in the world

MAC
What the hell for? I don’t need’a read about murders and people dying in the street. Ignorance is bliss

MIKE
Did it say whether Percy had any kids? Don’t recall him mentioning anything

JOE
(reading out loud)
‘….Percy Albertson, son of….blah-blah-blah… Daughter Fiona…’ He had a daughter? Don’t remember him mentioning any

MAC
Maybe he wasn’t speaking to her. Families are too busy these days to visit the old folk

JOE
Says the funeral’s tomorrow afternoon at 2 o’clock. Good – that gives me enough time

MIKE
To do what? Watch your TV programs?

JOE
Got plans t’make

MAC
Like?

JOE
Plans…that’s all. I don’t hav’ta tell you everything

MIKE
You never share anything even though we tell you our personal stuff. Shoot - didn’t find out you were married ‘til three months later. You are one secretive weirdo

JOE
They’ll bury him with full military honors for sure, flag and all. Big, bloody, deal. He needed help when he was alive

MIKE
There you go changing the subject on us, again. Hey look – the old jukebox is working again.

SFX: sound of coins on table

Anybody got five bucks to play a song?

JOE
Say what? The jukebox takes $5 a shot, now? I’ll listen to my old 45’s

MIKE
Never mind – I found a five dollar bill

JOE
Wa’cha gonna play, anyway

MIKE
You gotta pay if you wanna know what I’m gonna play. The good old days weren’t so good, anyway

JOE
I can wait to hear

MIKE
I’ll be back

MAC
This weather don’t do my back any good. I have trouble walking today

JOE
What about those new pills they you last month?

MAC
Pills can’t re-build an old, worn-out body and that’s what I need. A new body

JOE
Don’t we all. What time is it, anyway?

MAC
Four o’clock. Anybody hear from Al? He was supposed meet us here an hour ago

JOE
He left a message on my answering machine last week to say he’d be joining us.

MAC
It’s getting dark. Don’t like it out when it gets dark. Not safe for old people

MIKE
Maybe we should call him and see if he’s on his way? I mean, he hasn’t been well lately

MAC
Do you have his phone number?

JOE
He never gave it to me

MAC
Come to think of it, I don’t have it

MAC
Mike’s coming back. Where’s the music? Jukebox not working

MIKE
Neh! They don’t have my stuff. Only that crap they play on the radio these days you know – Lady Goo-Goo…whoever. So where’s Al?

MAC
Damned if I know. Who was supposed to call and remind him?

(silence)

JOE
Just great. The guy supposed to meet us here and nobody bothers calling to remind him. Good friends he has

MIKE
Do you have his number, big shot?

JOE
No but I assumed one of youze has it written down, somewhere

MAC
What about a cell phone?

MIKE
Doesn’t own one. He never much liked modern technology. To tell you the truth, neither do I

JOE
So how we supposed to remind him that we’re all here and he’s supposed to meet us? Send a messenger?

MIKE
He could still show up

MAC
I said…I have one

JOE
One what? What are you babbling about?

MAC
I have…a cell phone

MIKE
What in God’s name do you need a cell phone? All your friends are dead

2011-02-07T08:55:00.007-05:00

SCENES FROM REAL LIFE

A SHORT PLAYETTE: THE COFFEE CUP

SCENE: WELL-KNOWN COFFEE SHOP/CHAIN. MAN RETURNS WITH TWO MUGS, ONE FILLED WITH COFFEE AND THE OTHER WITH BOILED WATER FOR TEA

MAN
(placing mug on table)
Here's your boiled water

(woman peers into cup and stares for 5 seconds)

MAN
Aren't you going to drop in your teabag? The water's gonna get cold and you know how you are about water being boiling hot

WOMAN
I have a problem here

MAN
Now what? The water's luke warm, I suppose?

WOMAN
Nope. The water is dirty

MAN
You're kidding! Dirty as in...

WOMAN
Look inside. There are black thingies floating around

(man lifts mug and peers inside)

WOMAN
...and the rim of the mug is dirty. What do they use to wash their dishes? A cat's tongue?

MAN
You're right - there are thingies floating around. You go bring it to their attention. It's your water

(there is a small line-up of people waiting to be served. Woman waits at end of line holding mug of water. Female/customer in front turns around looks at mug and then at woman)

WOMAN
Dirty water. Horrible

CUSTOMER
Oh.. That's too bad...

WOMAN
Yes it it and look - thingies floating inside

CUSTOMER
(peering into mug)
Yup - I see them, too. Look - why don't you move in front of me. You should be first since you were already served

WOMAN
Thank you. That's very considerate. It's just so...blechy to get a dirty mug.

CUSTOMER
Why don't you ask them for a paper cup, instead?

WOMAN
That's okay for coffee but for tea, one must have a china mug

CUSTOMER
It's your turn now... give him hell!

WOMAN
(to person serving coffee)
This water has thingies floating around in it and the mug is dirty. Check it for yourself.

CUSTOMER
She's right, y'know. Check it out! Really - you guys should make a better effort to wash your cups better

(SERVER TAKES MUG FROM WOMAN, LOOKS INSIDE, THROWS HER A DIRTY LOOK, EMPTIES WATER AND RE-FILLS MUG. WOMAN TAKES IT FROM SERVER AND CHECKS WATER AND MUG)

WOMAN
This looks okay but I'll have to take it back and look under the light

SERVER
Dishwasher is broken

WOMAN
Then don't use china mugs! I mean, really... If you had told me in advance, I would have settled for coffee today and used a paper cup

SERVER
Of course. You're right. The customer is always right. I should have known better... Your mug of water is clear now and there are a lot of people waiting to be served

WOMAN
(turning to people in line)
'Their dishwasher is broken! Stick to paper cups!'

WOMAN
(aside to server)
Have a great day. Tea in paper cups - what next...

2011-02-03T16:41:00.004-05:00

Really - I am pathetic. As explained and shared in this blog, I'm sort-of disorganized when it comes to sending out my plays. Instead of keeping track of who, when and where the plays end up, I rely on their response to guide me.

Today, for example, I received a "Dear Playwright" letter - actually it was a "Greetings Playwright!" e-mail to be exact. It was a relatively nice "thanks-but-no-thanks" if these things can be classified as nice. There was a list of playwrights whose works were being performed and mine wasn't among them. Thing is - I don't remember whether I submitted something to them or not! I suppose I could send them a letter...something to the effect:

"Dear Blah-Blah,

Thank you for your e-mail and for providing me with a list of the lucky playwrights even though my name is missing, and adding some nice words and phrases to make the non-winners feel better. I've been somewhat busy of late and I'm wondering if you might be so kind as to provide me with the title of the play I did and/or could-have and/or might-have sent you. It's for my records you understand and I wouldn't want to keep submitting the same play(s) to you year after year. Wishing you a successful season, which would have been more successful had my play been selected."

Maybe one day I'll get my act together. Oh my -I made a pun!

2011-01-28T12:13:00.007-05:00

SCENES FROM REAL LIFE
A SHORT PLAYETTE: "LOTTERY TICKET"

SCENE: CUSTOMER ENTERS SMALL CONVENIENCE STORE

CUSTOMER
(looking around at shelves)
Hmmmm...

(CONVENIENCE STORE OWNER LOOKS UP FROM READING HIS NEWSPAPER FOR A SPLIT SECOND AND CONTINUES READING)

CUSTOMER
Uh-huh....hmmmmmm...

STORE OWNER
Can I help?

CUSTOMER
I'm not sure...I don't see what I'm looking for

STORE OWNER
What is it that you're looking for?

CUSTOMER
Potato chips

STORE OWNER
(glancing over to the chip display)
We have lots of chips - good flavors, too!

CUSTOMER
Yes but...

STORE OWNER
...but?

CUSTOMER
You don't appear to have my flavor

STORE OWNER
And your flavor would be...?

CUSTOMER
Dill pickle with chives

STORE OWNER
Are you sure? We have a good variety...

CUSTOMER
- but no dill pickle with chives, though

STORE OWNER
You're the first person who has ever asked for that flavor

CUSTOMER
But maybe not the last! You should check into it

STORE OWNER
Perhaps...maybe try another flavor this time?

CUSTOMER
Neh! Gotta be -

STORE OWNER
- I know - dill pickle and chives. What about smoky bacon? That's popular with everyone

CUSTOMER
Neh...

STORE OWNER
Okay...I'll check into it for you

CUSTOMER
(approaching counter)
I'd like a lottery ticket

STORE OWNER
That I have. Which one?

CUSTOMER
The one that has a $50 million dollar jackpot

STORE OWNER
Uh-huh - everyone is buying them like crazy, today

CUSTOMER
Why should I be different? Now the big question is should I allow the computer to choose the numbers or should I pick them...

STORE OWNER
Why not buy two - let the computer choose one set of numbers and you choose the other

CUSTOMER
I suppose I could do that... Actually and between you and me - I don't trust the computer. I think they fix it so that certain areas have winners

STORE OWNER
Well this store ain't one of them!

CUSTOMER
(anxious)
You mean...you've never had a winner, here?

STORE OWNER
(quick to respond)
Of course we have. Not a major winner but winners - lots and lots of winners

CUSTOMER
Good. Then give me five

STORE OWNER
You trusting the computer?

CUSTOMER
Yup. Too lazy to fill in the numbers besides they've never come in.

STORE OWNER
But they could one day and you... I mean, of course, that's a good idea

(he presses the computer buttons and pulls out the strip of paper with numbers)

Good luck, lady! If you win - I win, too!

CUSTOMER
Don't hold your breath...there goes another ten buckeroonies. By the way, don't forget to ask about the dill pickle and chives

STORE OWNER
Of course. You never know who will want this flavor that I never heard of

CUSTOMER
Live and learn, I always say

(customer exits)

2011-01-19T16:13:00.005-05:00

SECOND THOUGHTS...

As mentioned in previous writings, been attempting to re-write my short story, "Old Soldiers" as a radio play and enter it in the BBC International Radio Play competition. As a stand-alone story, it's probably if not one of my best, however, in order for it to be suitable for radio, it requires a complete re-think on my part.

Writing a play even when its completed, requires a lot of tweaking some of which can't be achieved without letting it "sit" for a while. We're talking (or writing) here about putting it away for a while and then returning for a re-read in order to gain some perspective. My first play, "Gin..." took - without exaggeration - at least2-3 years to complete and umpteen revisions. In fact, I still tweak it.

I'm beginning to think that perhaps my attempt at a re-write given the time left to enter (March), just isn't realistic. I've even toyed with the idea of submitting one of my full plays, "Make Me a Wedding" and cutting out some of the scenes. Problem is, cutting back on the scenes may result in watering down the content and the impact of the story line. It's a comedy and very funny but in the end, it should be in its present form. A radio play is 70 minutes while my play is 120 minutes. That's a lot of dialogue to cut.

So where am I? Really don't know at the present. I entered the competition a few years ago and didn't win but the play I entered was 60 minutes long. At least it was viable. Perhaps I have to go back to the drawing board and re-think the direction my writing has to take. Again.

2011-01-10T11:09:00.004-05:00

SCENES FROM REAL LIFE
A SHORT PLAY-ETTE: "HAIRDRESSER"

SCENE: HAIRDRESSER SALON. IT'S A UNI-SEX SALON SERVING BOTH FEMALE AND MALES. A FEMALE CLIENT IS SITTING IN THE CHAIR AS A STYLIST BLOWS HER HAIR DRY. THE STAFF IS OF GREEK HERITAGE

CLIENT
Hi there! Know I'm early.

HAIRDRESSER
Hi sweetie. Be with you soon.

CLIENT
D'ya want me to waste time until you take me? I can wander around the pharmacy next door. Need a few things anyway...how long should I take? Five minutes?

HAIRDRESSER
Make it 10 - no 20...

CLIENT
Sure. Can't stay there longer, though. Last time I was getting some wierd looks like I was a prospective shop lifter.

(female client returns 10 minutes later)

HAIRDRESSER
Another five minutes, okay sweetie?

CLIENT
Fine. Quiet today, huh?

PETER (MALE STYLIST)
Been quiet all week

CLIENT
People aren't making appointments for the holidays?

PETER
(glumly)
Very quiet...

HAIRDRESSER
Okay sweetie. Come sit in the chair. I'm ready for you, now.

CLIENT
Same color like always

HAIRDRESSER
Eyebrows too?

CLIENT
Yup

HAIRDRESSER
I don't know why you want to dye them. There's hardly anything there.

CLIENT
(chuckling)
Geez - thanks. You sure know how to make a customer feel good!

HAIRDRESSER
I meant, of course, that you hardly have any grey in your eyebrows

CLIENT
True...but sometimes a few sneak through

HAIRDRESSER
You could just pluck them

CLIENT
Much easier to color them and besides, I end up taking off chunks of skin with the hairs. Nothing like walking around with red scabs on your eyebrows

(CLIENT is sitting in chair, reading magazine with hair covered in dye)

HAIRDRESSER
Haven't had a full cigarette all day

CUSTOMER
Healthier for you. Progress - the magazines are up to the year 2009 now.

HAIRDRESSER
I'll be back. Need some nicotine in my blood

(Hairdresser leaves salon to smoke. Stella, another hairdresser, sits in chair next to customer. Other hairdresser returns from her nicotine break and cuts the hair of a male customer)

STELLA
Did you notice how thin blank-blank (name of hairdresser) is?

CLIENT
She's lost a lot of weight... 'Hey blank-blank (HD) - how come you lost so much weight?'

HAIRDRESSER
I dunno. Nerves I guess - and hard work. Been busy and sometimes I skip meals

CLIENT
Not a healthy practice. Wow - I never saw you so skinny. Sure you're okay? I mean, no health problems?

STELLA
She's too thin! She should gain some weight!

HAIRDRESSER
I eat healthy, that's why I'm slim - not skinny! Don't eat junk food

STELLA
(who is on the plump side)
Me neither - and look at me! It's just not fair! I watch what I eat and even work out 5 days at the gym and still I don't lose a pound! Some people are soooo lucky!

CLIENT
Why don't you try writing down everything you eat for a day or two? Maybe you don't even realize. You have to watch portion size

STELLA
I do, I do! Look at me! It's just so unfair! Blah-blah on the other hand is too skinny, don'chu think? She doesn't have a bum anymore or boobs

HAIRDRESSER
Are you two talking about me?

CLIENT
We're discussing your weight loss, girl!

STELLA
You gotta gain weight! Really!

CLIENT
Where is Stavros (salon owner)?

STELLA
He went to Ikea to buy a stand so we can make real coffee. Send a man to get something and he takes hours to make a choice. Who knows what he'll come back with

CLIENT
(looking around)
I don't see a coffee maker, here. Since when did you get one?

STELLA
He's hiding it downstairs. I found it by accident

CLIENT
Why is he hiding it?

STELLA
Who knows. These days you gotta make your customers feel welcome, like they're somebodys. You know, 'have a coffee'

CLIENT
Yeah...I suppose, mind you, I like tea myself...

(STAVROS walks in holding long, narrow package. Everyone gathers round and they place what looks like a plank of wood against the space alloted for the planned coffee maker, to measure the width of the shelf or whatever)

STELLA
(in Greek, but it's obvious what she's saying by their gestures)
It's too wide! Look!

(a man enters with lots of electronic tools hanging from a belt on his hips. He runs a stud finder up and down on the wall)

MAN
(shaking his head negatively)
No good. Too many wires here

STAVROS
Can't you do something?

MAN
I dunno...gotta think about this...

STELLA
We only want to put up this shelf so we can put a coffee pot on top. I mean, how hard is that?

(STELLA, THE ELECTRICIAN AND STAVROS disappear downstairs)

HAIRDRESSER
If we're lucky, you'll have a cup of coffee for your next appointment

CUSTOMER
Actually, I'm a tea drinker

HAIRDRESSER
No problem. We have a kettle to boil water. Between you and I, I like Starbucks coffee but keep it between ourselves

CUSTOMER
Of course. What type of tea do you have, by the way? I personally like green tea...

2011-01-08T09:21:00.006-05:00

OLD SOLDIERS -THE BBC INTERNATIONAL RADIO PLAY COMP. : RE-WRITE PROGRESS UPDATE

Slowly revising the story and adding/modifying dialogue. Also added a character (or more) and changed some of the locations. The fiction story opens in Joe McKenna's apartment and I've changed it to Joe and friends getting together to toast an old soldier's demise, at a bar. It seemed that this would be something that a group of old vets would do.

I'm working on flushing out the various characters but I have to be careful that they're not "throw-away" people that will be dropped along the way. They have to be part of the story line. I like the 'feel' of the dialogue - so far. My problem has never been with writing dialogue - I'm strong in this area but to keep the story on track. To this end I'm going back to something I used to do, which is to write an outline.

The challenge, at least for me, is sound effects. In the bar, there is background music and the sound of people talking. The next scene will be in Joe's apartment, which is problematic sound-wise. Mind you he will be talking to his dog... The dog's responses are limited in speech-lolol. Then again, perhaps I'll have somebody drop by, which still won't give me more sound effects...

Definitely need an outline.

2010-12-20T21:28:00.011-05:00

SCENES FROM REAL LIFE
A SHORT PLAY: "THE LIFT"

SCENE: THE WOMAN BUNDLED UP FOR A COLD, WINTER DAY IS WALKING WITH A SHOPPING BAG SLUNG OVER HER SHOULDER. AS SHE WALKS, SHE STARES DOWN AT THE SNOWY SIDEWALK

CAST: THE WOMAN
WOMAN DRIVER

THE WOMAN
(mumbling to herself)
Cold... Maybe I should turn back. But I need stuff at the supermarket. Should have taken the car but then what is the physical value in that? No - I need exercise and it's really not that cold out. These boots are so damned heavy but at least they're waterproof...and this fur hat is driving me nuts! It's itchy and keeps slipping down to my eyebrows. I probably look like a lunatic. How do I scratch an itch under a fur hat with mittens on? I suppose I could take them off... At least it's fake fur and I don't have to feel guilty about wearing it. I swear I'm gonna take off this hat, throw it on the ground and stamp on it! I better stop talking to myself in case I meet up with someone I know.

(she looks up and notices that a car slows down and stops a few feet in front of her)

THE WOMAN
Uh-oh...who is that? Should I cross the street or keep walking here. I don't want to make it obvious that I'm nervous. Hopefully they won't ask me for directions because I'm really bad at that. The best I end up doing is pointing

(as the point where she is about to pass the car, a window rolls down and the woman driver leans over)

WOMAN DRIVER
Hello there!

THE WOMAN
(moving away from car)
Uh-huh...yes?

WOMAN DRIVER
Are you going to the supermarket?

THE WOMAN
Well...

WOMAN DRIVER
I'm on my way there, myself. Could I offer you a lift?

THE WOMAN
Well...I don't...

WOMAN DRIVER
Don't worry. I often give lifts to women in the winter, especially on a day like today. Cold wind.

WOMAN
Well...okay, I suppose.

(woman gets into car)

WOMAN
(cautiously but anxiously)
Do you...live around... here?

WOMAN DRIVER
I live in the Versailles.

WOMAN
Oh we're neighbors! I live right next door to you! It's very nice that you offer me a lift.

WOMAN DRIVER
It's no problem - I'm on my way there, myself. I probably wouldn't offer a lift to a man, though. You just never know who can get in

WOMAN
Can't tell these days...

WOMAN DRIVER
So...I saw you walking with a shopping bag and I thought 'she's probably going to the supermarket and it's cold outside and the least I can do is offer her a lift.' So here we are!

WOMAN
Yup...

WOMAN DRIVER
Do you have a dog?

WOMAN
Pardon?

WOMAN DRIVER
A dog? You know -woof-woof?

WOMAN
No - just a husband.
(they both laugh)

WOMAN DRIVER
I want to get a dog. Not a big one or anything...I live in an apartment. A dog would be nice and they're good company. I could dress it up in nice clothes like that dog over there

(they both "awwww" at a dog with boots and trendy sweater being walked accross the road)

WOMAN
I had a dog for 15 years. That's enough for me. Too hard to take when they get old and sick

WOMAN DRIVER
Maybe - but I really would like one...

(they turn into supermarket parking lot)

WOMAN
We're here. You are so thoughtful to offer me a lift. You can leave me off here at the pharmacy. I have to get some makeup

WOMAN DRIVER
It's a pleasure. Maybe next time I'll have a dog for you to pet!

WOMAN
Maybe you will! I'm sure we'll see each other again in the Spring living next door to each other. In the winter, we drive in our car and even when we walk, we look down. Bye!

WOMAN DRIVER
Merry Christmas - don't spend all your money!

WOMAN
(watching car drive away)
Nice...really nice! This damned hat is going to drive me nuts...

2010-12-16T18:48:00.005-05:00

Bought two skeins/balls of multi-colored wool and knitting needles in anticipation of making...something. Realized that the best I could hope for was one of my famous scarves and it dawned on me that I needed a lot more wool. Ran to Walmart at point of purchase to replenish and this was the end result. Yet another event taken from my life.

SCANNED!

SCENE: THE HANDICRAFT SECTION OF A WALMART STORE. A WOMAN CUSTOMER IS SCANNING THE ASSORTMENT OF WOOL ON THE SHELVES WHILE A SALES CLERK IS BUSY TALKING TO A YOUNG MALE CLERK, TELLING HIM WHAT TO DO

FEMALE SALES CLERK
So you check your merchandise against the typed sheet and...

CUSTOMER
'Scuse me?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
...keep checking the sheet, Deepak. Uh-huh?

CUSTOMER
(showing clerk a paper wrapper taken from a skein of wool)
Um - I'm looking for this brand and lot dye number but I don't seem to be able to see it anywhere...

FEMALE SALES CLERK
(taking paper and examining it)
Let's see now...where would this be...

(the customer and sales clerk walk up and down the aisle, searching for the wool brand)

FEMALE SALES CLERK
Aside to young male assistant:'Deepak - go find me a scanner...somewhere!'

To customer: I left my scanner here and somebody took it. Can't leave anything these days

CUSTOMER
You mean a customer took it?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
Could be although more likely it's another clerk from another dept.

CUSTOMER
Oh... So do you see my brand of wool, anywhere? I don't

FEMALE SALES CLERK
Me neither. Wait a minute - let's go look in the clearance section... Just as I thought - your wool was on clearance

(clerk holds up paper from wool and shows customer similar wool)

FEMALE SALES CLERK
See? Same brand but new wrapping and not your shade. They must have dropped your shade

CUSTOMER
You mean...my wool has been discontinued? But...I just bought it a few days ago!

FEMALE SALES CLERK
That could be but if it's on clearance - it's not here anymore

CUSTOMER
Will you be getting anymore in?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
I doubt it.It's finished!

CUSTOMER
What am I supposed to do now? How can I finish my scarf I'm making?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
What can I tell you! If I had that darn scanner, I could check the other stores to see if they have any in stock

CUSTOMER
Well can't you get another scanner?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
I don't know...where's that Deepak...

CUSTOMER
Perhaps if you'd go find one...?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
If only I had that scanner...but I don't. Why don't you go to one of the front cashes. They can scan your label and check to see if you can find it at another Walmart

CUSTOMER
Are you sure you absolutely sure you don't have the wool, somewhere?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
I'm sure...of course the scanner would help but...

CUSTOMER
...I know. You don't have a scanner.

FEMALE SALES CLERK
My assistant, Deepak, will be back in a minute and then I can go look for a scanner...

CUSTOMER
I really can't wait any longer

FEMALE SALES CLERK
There he is now, 'Deepak - we need a scanner!'

CUSTOMER
Yes Deepak. You do

FEMALE SALES CLERK
We can't work without a scanner! You go find one! I swear, these days you can't trust anyone.

CUSTOMER
What about my wool?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
Like I said, go to the front cash and ask them to...

CUSTOMER
...scan. BTW - is this yours?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
Ohmygawd - that's our scanner!

CUSTOMER
It was lying here in the wool on clearance. Have a good day

FEMALE SALES CLERK
You too! Go figure...here all along... 'Deepak! I found it!'

2010-11-27T09:36:00.009-05:00

DOWNER - MONA DOESN'T LIVE

It takes me a while until getting to the point where I actually make the decision to submit one of my plays and play-ettes. There is the usual self-doubt, is it play-worthy and most of all, does it have entertainment value. When and if I do submit, hope springs eternal that it could make the grade, grade being a theatre recognizes that it has diversionary value . Visions of it actually being performed before an audience who clap in appreciation accompany the "submit" button or the actual act of mailing the ms envelope.

Just came back from checking the Snowdance Festival site in the hope that my name was among the lucky ten playwrights whose plays were accepted. It wasn't.

Inject deep sigh here.

Having not received a notification one way or the other, the only means in which playwrights would know is to continually check their site. That I did - and then some.

The play submitted, "Dusting Mona" was one of my more recent creations and IMHO it's well written. Obviously, not entertaining enough to make the grade.

Inject another deep sigh here.

It was submitted by mail this time since this was their choice and now I'm wondering whether it was ever received. Actually, it's easier to accept that they never received it rather than believe it wasn't good enough. Rejection is part of playwriting or any type of writing but it never gets easier as anyone who is in this milieu will attest. I like to believe that the audience doesn't know what they're missing. Let's just say that Mona and other literary friends are taking a rest.

2010-11-22T16:16:00.011-05:00

OLD SOLDIERS - THE RADIO PLAY - a progress report #1

Decided to try and convert my short story, "Old Soldiers" into a radio play and enter it into the BBC International Playwriting Competition. My first realization how difficult a task this is going to be is underestimating the amount of dialogue required. Dialogue as it stands now is limited in its present form and this means a complete re-think as to how I'm going to move this story along. I'm also not sure how to write a radio play. Will spend some time searching the Internet in the hope of discovering the form. Some questions requiring answers that keep me up nights wondering:

- is it written in the same manner as a play?
- do radio plays have scenes?
- where are the sound effects written?

Why am I doing it? Because it's a personal challenge, especially since I've entered the competition before having submitted, "Retribution", which should have won...IMHO. This short story is one of my favorites and I think that it has the potential to be a winner.

There are four characters in the short story but more are required. I'm toying with the idea of adding an old dog given that Joe, my main character, is an old soldier. The dog is Joe's confidant, best friend and reason for living.

Dilemma at present is whether to open the story in Joe's apartment as it is in the story, or open it in a pub. If I open it in the pub it could be a few hours before the ceremonies, whereas the kitchen scene would go before he meets up with his friends in the pub to toast the demise of an army buddy friend.

Also considering the addition of an old (as in age) nosey landlady, who enjoys dropping by Joe's apt. He dislikes her, period, and dislikes her never-ending questions.

We'll see what develops as more dialogue is added. To be continued...

2010-11-19T07:36:00.005-05:00

GIMME SPACE
BY ELEANOR TYLBOR

SCENE: A PHARMACY OR ANYWHERE, ACTUALLY. THREE PEOPLE ARE WAITING TO PAY FOR ITEMS AT THE CASH.

CUSTOMER 1
(placing item on counter along with umbrella)
Just going to put this down here... Ooops - didn't mean to crowd anyone

CUSTOMER 2
(directly behind)
No problem. I'll just move my items back a bit to give you some more room

CUSTOMER 1
Don't worry about it. It's only a jar of jam.

CUSTOMER 2
Is it good. I mean, have you had some before?

CUSTOMER 1
Nope. First time. It was on special at nine-nine cents. Mind you, it's only good for 10 more days...
CUSTOMER 2
Do you eat a lot of jam?

CUSTOMER 1
Depends on the day. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Depends how jammy I'm feeling.

CUSTOMER 3
(in front of line)
I'm here!

CUSTOMER 1
Sorry?

CUSTOMER 3
I'm here, too.

CUSTOMER 1
I see

CUSTOMER 3
I need room for my things

CUSTOMER 1
O-kay...

CUSTOMER 3
Could you give me some room for my things, please?

CUSTOMER 1 looks at her for a few seconds, down at her items and moves the umbrella and jam away from CUSTOMER 3

CUSTOMER 3
Your umbrella is wet and it's touching my toilet paper!

CUSTOMER 1
That would be as a result of the pouring rain outside

CUSTOMER 3
You're making the counter wet

CUSTOMER 1
O-kay...sorry but the cashier is doing your items and you'll be outta here, soon

CUSTOMER 3
Still, your umbrella takes up a lot of space

CUSTOMER 1
I already removed it off the counter and moved back my jam so it won't touch your items

CUSTOMER 3
But you made the counter all wet

CUSTOMER 1
(putting hand in purse, produces Kleenex and wipes counter)
There! Allll gone!

CUSTOMER 3 grabs bag

CUSTOMER 3
There should be a sign posted telling people they can't put wet umbrellas on the counter!

CUSTOMER 3 storms out of store

CUSTOMER 1
Some people just gotta have their space!

(turns to CUSTOMER 2)

Oh gee - am I dripping water on your feet? I'm so sorry...here let me wipe them...

2010-11-06T09:25:00.003-04:00

MAKE ME A WEDDING! - FROM THE BEGINNING

In spite of what appears to be little interest in my playwriting blog updates - insert big sigh here - I'm going to continue anyway. As mentioned, at present I'm tweaking my two full-plays with the intention of submitting...again and again and...

Friday, November 6:

Started reading right from the top, including cast. Little concerned as I was when I wrote it, actually, that there is a cast of 9. Be that as it may, I can't cut back because they all play an important part of the whole.

SCENE 1: Made some minor changes but no major issues. Introduction to characters requires no modifications as I view them. Sadie and Morty, mother and father, definitely have their own personalities, which is good. Bride-to-be, Rachel's entrance and announcement of her engagement and wedding plans, which differ from Sadie's, signals problems to come. All-in-all - so far, so good. To be continued...

2010-11-03T18:48:00.005-04:00

A SHINING LIGHT - THE PLAY?

I wrote this a while back as a First Person piece for our local daily. It was one of other pieces focusing on my experience as a student attending after school Hebrew lessons. This was a very pleasant time and experience although it didn't seem like it at the time. In any case, I'm toying with re-writing it as a play perhaps combining it with some of the other pieces. As usual, comments always welcome.

A Shining Light
BY ELEANOR TYLBOR

As a youngster, Christmas was somewhat of a demoralizing time of the year. Since our family was of the Jewish faith, we celebrated the holiday of Chanukah, which didn't seem to me to be half as exciting as the furor that went along with trimming a tree.

On occasion Chanukah fell during the same period as Christmas and somehow I couldn't work up as much enthusiasm for lighting a candle even if it was colored, as my friends seemed to experience placing ornaments on the branches of their trees.

Even though my parents explained time and time again that Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas, which meant that a tree even a miniature one was out of the question, it was difficult for me to accept. In spite of protestations that we could call it a Chanukah bush, it was obvious that there was no way a fir tree would be part of our celebrations.

Traditionally at Chanukah, children receive gifts of gelt or money and light small colored candles in a menorah (candelabra), one per night for the eight days of the holiday. While that was nice, in my mind it didn't measure up to all the excitement connected to the "other" holiday.

At Hebrew school we always celebrated the various holidays, big and small, and Chanukah was a particular favorite especially since our class, being the eldest students, entertained the residents of a seniors home. Each year the teacher would select eight students to sing and perform as Chanukah candles and competition was fierce for the part of lead candle.

Since I wasn't blessed with a good singing voice – I could barely carry a tune – I knew that my chances were slim at best to play any candle, never mind the lead candle. My biggest rival was Zelig, who had the voice and promise of a future opera singer. Not only did he have the best singing voice, he was also the top student scholastically. Plus he was also the teacher's pet. Whenever games were played for prizes during the holidays, Zelig won everything, which didn't exactly ingratiate him with the other students. Actually, we were all jealous and would have liked nothing better than for his voice to change in the middle of a concert.

Class auditions for candle parts were held a few weeks before the onset of the holiday and the best I could hope for was a minor part and even then, only if the rest of the students had an off day or laryngitis. Each student auditioned for the teacher and as expected, Zelig got the lead role, which irritated me no end.

My resentment was eased somewhat by being assigned the role of a minor candle, probably out of pity more than anything else. Those students not chosen became part of the chorus singing "tra-la-las" at the appropriate time.

Excitement was at a fever pitch when we arrived at the seniors' home, ready to perform for a live audience who were, for the most part, in wheelchairs. They were brought into the auditorium where we were lined up on stage, anxious to perform.

Glancing around the room, many of the seniors appeared half asleep.

"You will be entertained today!" their nurses might have insisted as they wheeled them into the room.

The first students opened the concert and sang well and those who followed performed admirably. Finally, it was my turn. My voice didn't fail me and I felt very proud of my accomplishment.

Zelig opened his mouth and it was like a chorus of angels had entered the room. His voice was strong and melodic and suddenly the seniors perked up, smiles on their faces in obvious appreciation of what they heard. When the last notes of his solo faded away, they all clapped appreciatively.

The musical recital was over and we performed a variety of Israeli dances, moving off the stage to mingle among our audience. Although Israeli dancing was a passion, I was consumed with the memory of the applause and accolades bestowed upon Zelig.

After our presentation and some refreshments, an elderly woman wheeled over to talk to me. She smiled, her trembling hand gently covering mine.

"Thank you," she uttered weakly and breathlessly. "You were all wonderful. How special you are to visit us!"

There was the sudden realization that it wasn't important who the lead candle was or who had the best voice. It was significant to our audience that we had taken the time to come at all.

It wasn't long after our successful performance that Zelig's voice finally broke and he never knew whether he would sing soprano or alto. Tough luck for him. My voice on the other hand, never changed and could always be depended on to sing off-key

2010-11-03T08:53:00.005-04:00

BACK IN THE PLAYWRITING SADDLE AGAIN

It appears that once bitten by the playwriting bug, it's an itch that no amount of scratching can quell. What I'm trying to express in my loquacious fashion is that I've decided to submit my plays, again. Not that I didn't before but there has been a noticeable gap that has nagged at my conscience.

I've already taken steps to move things along and submitted one of my short plays in a competition. Don't want to talk/write about it because like many people of our ilk, I'm superstitious, but it's one of my more recent attempts. Additionally, I'm going to enter the BBC International Playwriting Competition if I can convert one of my stories into a radio play. I've got a good half-year to do it but it's still a difficult task.

I've also decided to edit (again!)my full two-act plays and make a real push and effort to get them produced. Not that I didn't before but not to the degree I should have because I feared and still fear rejection. The plays, actually I'm focusing on one in particular, "Make Me a Wedding!" a comedy and the first play I wrote, requires a thorough going-over to see if it still makes me laugh as it did in the past. More importantly, though, looking at it through the eyes of outsiders and evaluating whether it will make them laugh.

In addition, I will post regular updates in this blog and share my findings along with pieces of dialogue for feedback if anyone feels like jumping in. Feel free to do so and it would be much appreciated.

Meanwhile, Morty and Saydie are calling me to help out in the planning of the wedding. As if I'd refuse.

2010-09-21T08:53:00.005-04:00

DOES MY PLAY SOUND FAMILIAR TO YOU?

For whatever reason - lack of a proper filing system springs to mind - there are problems when it comes to submitting my plays to various theatres or competitions. This point was brought home recently upon reading the guidelines to a 10-minute competition that could be a fit for my short plays. This is a yearly competition and as I recall it was the lucky (IMHO) recipient of one of my literary offerings last year but the problem is...which one.

In the past I opened a file to keep track of which plays were sent to whom but along the way, I stopped making notes. Now I'm forced to play a guessing game in order to hide my ineffectual (read: non-existent) filing system. Should I own up to this fact in a covering letter? Something to the effect:

"Dear blah-blah,

Please find my short play, blah-blah, for your 10-minute competition. Perhaps it might look familiar and could have been one of last year's entries but then again, maybe not. If it doesn't strike a familiar chord, then consider it my official submission."

Be that as it may, I'm going to check through my "sent" file and see what turns up, if anything. If not - it's another guessing game. Did I mention that my play wasn't among those selected to be performed. Then again maybe I meant to send it but never got around to doing it. Go know!

2010-09-20T10:57:00.010-04:00

THE TEA BAG: A SHORT PLAY
By Eleanor Tylbor

Characters:

Fast food server: Punk-look i.e. multi-colored hair,
Long dangly earrings

Customer

Manager (male)

Scene:

Fast food restaurant. Customer is standing at counter with styrofoam cup in hand

SERVER
Uh-huh?

HAPPY CUSTOMER
Free tea refill, please, herbal if you have it

SERVER

(chewing gum/blows bubbles)
No free refills on tea

NOT-SO-HAPPY-CUSTOMER
You… don't… give refills on tea?

SERVER
Uh-uh. Could you move along?

CUSTOMER
‘Scuse me but you now have an unhappy customer. You do realize that, don’t you?

SERVER
Uh-huh. Next…

CUSTOMER

(Looking around for signs on wall)

Where does it say they’re no tea refills? I don’t see signs posted anywhere

SERVER
Holding up sign that reads: 'FREE COFFEE REFILLS'

Right…here

Server extends finger and points to sign.
Sticks finger inside her mouth and removes
gum pulling it until it is a long string.
Replaces it back in her mouth. Wipes fingers
on clothes

CUSTOMER
(shaking his head in horror)
Your nails are long, aren’t they? But this says free coffee refills. I want tea

SERVER
They’re not real, the nails I mean. Lost a couple last week and I still haven’t found them. Guess they’ll show up…somewhere

CUSTOMER
(hesitatingly)
My tea? Remember?

SERVER
Like I told you, free coffee refills. Them’s the rules

CUSTOMER
You mean, those are the rules. It’s plural… more than one…

SERVER
Now you want more than one refill? No way, José! Never!

CUSTOMER
I meant…I was just trying to say… Now focus. There’s no logic to your rule. We’re only talking here about one lousy teabag for heaven’s sake. Let’s say…I brought one in here from home?

SERVER
(Silence while she thinks. Pulls gum out of
her mouth in a long strip and replaces it
back into her mouth, wiping hands on blouse)

I gotta ask the manager 'bout that.

(An unshaven, heavy-set male with long greasy hair, wearing a tied scarf on his head approaches - grabs the SERVER and kisses her open-mouthed on the lips. They lock lips for 30 seconds)

MANAGER
Later babe

SERVER
Oh Howie – you’re so ro-man-tic!

MANAGER hits server on bum as she EXITS

CUSTOMER
Your…friend there is telling me that refills are good for coffee only . Unfortunately, I’m a tea drinker

MANAGER
That’s your problem – not ours

CUSTOMER
All I need is one lousy cup filled with hot water AND a teabag. I'm not even fussy about the brand at this point, and your water doesn't even have to be boiled properly!

MANAGER
Gonna hav’ta charge you

CUSTOMER
You have to or you want to? This is…tea prejudice!

MANAGER
Whatever that means

CUSTOMER
I shall alert the tea growers of the world regarding your policy and discriminatory attitude towards tea drinkers

MANAGER
Lemme put it this way - I won't stay up nights worrying

CUSTOMER
How many clients have been turned away as a result of this injustice, huh? Thousands – nay – maybe millions even!

MANAGER
Look pal, there's a long line of people behind you so decide, but there ain’t nothing I can do ‘bout it

CUSTOMER
Let's make this simple…

MANAGER
…and fast? I got a line of people who wanna be served

CUSTOMER
One cup of boiled water

MANAGER
(writing on pad)
That it?

CUSTOMER
Now put it in a styrofoam cup…you don’t charge for
styrofoam cups, do you? I mean, you have to pour the hot water into something

MANAGER
I better check corporate headquarters t’find out

CUSTOMER
No need. Consider lending me a teabag. Isn’t that a great idea? Of course it is! You can have it back once I've finished and then pass it on to the next customer. That way we both win

MANAGER
Borrow a tea bag…I dunno 'bout that

CUSTOMER
Be a fast food pioneer and tell the world, 'I’m-going-to-start-giving-free-tea-refills!' Hey! Maybe they’ll write you up in National Geographic! Or National Enquirer - or both! They could even add your photo, too! What’s your name, anyway?

MANAGER
Howard

CUSTOMER
What a normal name for a… I can see the headline now: 'Howard…somebody, manager of the Eat’n’Run, through his pioneering spirit, set the standard for the introduction of free tea refills in his restaurant.' Tea companies could thank you by - um - naming a tea after you! The - um - 'Howard tea bag' – the original pioneering - um - eight cup tea bag

MANAGER
Really? Name a tea bag after me?

CUSTOMER
Think of it as doing your part to help save the planet. Trust me that your average tea drinker won’t mind sharing a used tea bag. You don’t even hav’ta tell head office about your sacrifice! It’ll be our secret…save the earth and all that

Customer is handed teabag and cup. He dunks tea bag in, and then dumps bag
in manager’s hand. Takes sip from cup

CUSTOMER
(shaking his head)
Some people make their lives so complicated

Customer exits

2010-09-03T10:57:00.006-04:00

FLOWER POWER
by Eleanor Tylbor

CHARACTERS:
FLOWER LOVER AND ADMIRER
OWNER OF FLOWER GARDEN

SOUND: STREET TRAFFIC

SCENE: Lush garden filled with flowers, in particular large, colorful flowers in along garden path. Woman walks by, stops, smiles and shakes her head in admiration. Owner of the house and garden, is absorbed in tweaking the various species.

FLOWER LOVER
You have a beautiful garden

(Owner of garden appears not to hear her, is absorbed touching flowers)

FLOWER LOVER
Hello there! I want to compliment you on your garden!

GARDEN OWNER
(caught off guard)
Oh....thank you. I try my best

FLOWER LOVER
Whatever you're doing - keep at it! Every time I walk by, I always stop to admire all the flowers. Your roses in the Spring are spectacular! Never saw such color - and so many of them!

GARDEN OWNER
My husband looked after them. Roses were his favorite

FLOWER LOVER
I could tell but all your flowers are perfection! These are new one's (she touches flower)

GARDEN OWNER
I brought them back from Florida. My cousin gave me a piece and I never thought they would last through the winter

FLOWER LOVER
They did - and then some. I forget the name of them...it's on the tip of my tongue...

GARDEN OWNER
She told me the name but I forget....I should have written it down

FLOWER LOVER
(distracted)
...what is the name now...b-b-b-b-b...no - not B. C-c-c-c-c-c-...It'll come to me soon... Anyway. You do the gardening by yourself or get a professional?

GARDEN OWNER
My husband always did it by himself. You know, we won awards for our garden, two years running!

FLOWER LOVER
I'm not surprised. Perfection and not an insect in sight. Give your husband my congratulations

GARDEN OWNER
I can't

FLOWER LOVER
It doesn't have to be now. Whenever

GARDEN OWNER
My husband died last year

FLOWER LOVER
Oh - I see...I'm so sorry. So you do this all by yourself?

GARDEN OWNER
I hired a gardener. It was just too much for me. I try to handle the weeds but the gardener cuts the grass and takes care of the flowers.

FLOWER LOVER
How do you like having a gardener? I had one and he never did what I wanted him to do. Ended up firing him and doing it by myself. Less aggravation

GARDEN OWNER
I have no choice. I just don't have the strength...my husband used to take care of it all but...

FLOWER LOVER
....D-d-d-d-d-d-... It's no use - I can't think of the name of this flower! Whew - really getting hot! Better finish my walk or the heat will finish me off! Listen - If I think of the name, I'll ring your bell and tell you

GARDEN OWNER
That would be nice. Maybe you want a cutting of the flower?

FLOWER LOVER
I can't - live in a condo. My gardening days are over. I do patio pots now

GARDEN OWNER
You can keep it in a pot for next year

FLOWER LOVER
Thank you but I'll pass. Nice meeting you and keep up the good work!

GARDEN OWNER
(turning around to walk along path)
Lots of weeds...how come the weeds grow so much and so fast...

(garden owner slowly walks down path and disappears through door)

FLOWER LOVER
(starts to walk and stops suddenly)
Hisbiscus! That's it - hisbiscus! The answer always comes when you don't need it anymore. I'll just write it on a piece of paper and drop it off the next time I walk by. Some people really have a green thumb - I should have told her that. Why didn't I tell her?

(FLOWER LOVER exits)

2010-08-17T17:12:00.012-04:00

THE LINE UP
by Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: A SUPERMARKET. A LINE UP OF A DOZEN PEOPLE IN THE 8-ITEMS-OR-LESS ARE WAITING TO PAY FOR THEIR ITEMS. THE PERSON IN FRONT OF THE LINE IS COUNTING HER/HIS ITEMS WITH HIS FINGER

CASHIER
You have more than eight items, lady

WOMAN IN LINE
I know...it's only ten items...what's two items between friends, anyway?

CASHIER
(pointing to the sign indicating 8 items or less)
Ask the people behind you if it matters

(woman turns around and speaks to person directly behind her)

WOMAN IN LINE
Do you mind if I have two extra items? I'm in a rush

PERSON BEHIND WOMAN IN LINE
Actually...yes, I do mind! We're all in a rush. Aren't we, people?

(person behind woman in line turns around to address others in line)

PEOPLE IN LINE:
'I hav'ta get home and make supper for my family!'

'The babysitter is waiting to get paid!'

'You got some nerve, lady!'

CASHIER
See? They mind alright! Now if you'll go to one of the other lines...

WOMAN IN LINE
But... Okay. What if I remove say...one item?

CASHIER
That would make nine items. You'd still have one item too much. Please step aside...

PEOPLE IN LINE
Yeah - move out the line, lady!

WOMAN IN LINE
You are all so selfish. It's only one item for crying out loud!

CASHIER
Rules are rules! What kind of world would we have if we didn't obey rules, huh? Now if you'll move to another line

WOMAN IN LINE
(looking over items in cart)
Oh fer... Okay...let me take another item away...I need them all, though...

CASHIER
Would you like me to do it for you? Look lady - the line is getting longer as we speak...

WOMAN IN LINE
Maybe the ice cream... No - I need it for dessert...perhaps the asparagus spears...no - veggies are important...It's so hard to decide...

PERSON IN LINE
Here - lemme help (removes bottle of soft drink) There - that wasn't so hard!

WOMAN IN LINE
But what are we supposed to drink with our meal?

PERSON IN LINE
Good, old H2O! Look at that! I saved you money, too! You should thank me!

WOMAN IN LINE
I've made my decision! Give me back two items!

CASHIER
Like I told you -

WOMAN IN LINE
- yeah - I know. Eight items or less. Fine. I'm moving over to the other line where I'm legal.
(She move over to next line. Aside to person in front of her:) 'Excuse me madam but I'm running late. Would you mind if I just went in front of you? I'm running a little late.'

2010-08-16T11:39:00.007-04:00

So I'm thinking here...given the success or lack thereof, of any of my plays produced so far, some new strategy is required. To date and as I've shared in this blog, I've written two full i.e. two-act, plays, one-1 act play and approximately a dozen short-short plays and skits over the years. Given the reality of today's economy, the future of having them making their debut on stage looks somewhat doubtful, hence the change of direction.

I've decided to write short pieces of dialogue on a daily or at least a regular basis that may or may not end up as a play down the line. They may be snippets of conversations overhead in a mall, or perhaps conversations with friends or personal experiences that would normally fall into the rant'n'rave category in one of my other blogs. Or maybe the embryonic beginning of a play. Just...stuff.

As always comments are welcome be they good or bad and I will respond accordingly but spammers will be deleted. Playwriting is angsting enough without having to deal with spammers. so stay away and you have been warned!

Meanwhile - on with the show!

2010-06-29T08:33:00.008-04:00

THE PLAY IS NOT THE THING

It's been a while since I submitted one of my two full length plays...anywhere, actually. One of the reasons is somehow I misplaced/deleted/filed-in-unknown-folder, the list of theatres who were fortunate enough to be the recipient of, but didn't realize it, plays. Being organized is not one of my strong points.

So this is leading me once again as it has on numerous occasions in the past, to search my soul as to whether the plays are stage-worthy. In reading them over to evaluate whether they need a gazillionth re-write, they still entertain me and make me laugh. This, at least to me, is a good sign. The problem is that nobody else seems to feel the same way or at least feel they would be embraced by theatre-goers. It took me years to get the words down on paper and then more years to get the right "feel" and flow - the two big 'F"s - before allowing them to leave home.

It's not that I don't enjoy writing plays or at least 'short-short'-10 minute plays these days, but there comes a point where one has to evaluate whether the effort is worth the search given the end result. Perhaps and although I'm loathe to admit it, they aren't stage-worthy. Even writing this sentence is like an arrow piercing my heart. So where does this leave me? Should I give up the ghost so to speak and leave them in my will as part of my legacy to future generations in the hope that they will see merit it them, and carry on the search? Or, should I continue to check out potential theatres and competitions and submit my plays in the hope that they were never the recipients of my literary gems?

Meanwhile, if a theatre producer reading this is interested in taking a chance on an unknown-but-talented playwright with two very entertaining comedy plays waiting for their chance to be exposed to the world, you know where to reach me. Maybe not depending if I remembered to add my contact information. Go know!

2010-06-16T19:26:00.014-04:00

BARBIE AND KEN DO TOY STORY 3

SCENE: BARBIE, FAMOUS FASHIONISTA AND KEN, HER ON-AGAIN, OFF-AGAIN SIGNIFICANT OTHER, LOUNGE BY THE POOL. BARBIE IS READING "PEOPLE" WHILE KEN SHINES HIS SURF BOARD.

BARBIE
I just don't get why they don't do a feature on us. I mean, we're famous celebs. Look at me - I'm beautiful...and I wear designer clothes and I'm famous. Why? Why? What's wrong with us!

KEN
(caressing and cleaning his surfboard)
You are so smooth, my little surfing beauty...up and down, up and down...I love your body...

(KEN lifts his surfboard to an upright position and kisses the surface)

BARBIE
...like...we show up at all the new club openings and they still ignore us... Oh Gawd, Ken! That is like...soooo disgusting - and sick! What is it with you and that piece of wood?

KEN
(suddenly dropping the surfboard)
This is part of who I am, Barb - besides - I carved this with my very own hands

BARBIE
- I told you not to call me Barb -

KEN
- whoever -

BARBIE
- not that either -

KEN
- okay already! Anywaaay - me and Surfy here have been together like...forever! (caresses surface of board) We have so much in common

BARBIE
Surfy? You gave your surfboard a name? Oh that is like...even more sick. Then again, you both have the same sized brain

KEN
Thank you! Hear that, Surfy? Barbie says we both think alike!

(BARBIE returns to reading magazine as KEN shines surfboard again)

BARBIE
You are one weird puppy Ken...

(suddenly, there is the sound of machine gun firing off rounds)

KEN
Surf's up! Me and Surfy will be back soon

(KEN grabs surfboard and starts to leave)

BARBIE
Sit down, Ken. It's only G.I. Joe

(G.I. Joe descends down on to the deck area of the pool, from a hovering helicopter)

G.I. JOE
Barbie babe! Wa'cha doin' here with this sissy boy? Why'd you leave without telling me where you were going? It's gettin' harder and harder to find you!

BARBIE
But...you...always do, don't you Joe?

G.I. JOE
No matter where you go on this planet - I'll always follow your trail

BARBIE
Heaven knows I've tried to lose it

G.I. JOE
Babe - what are 'ya doin' livin' here with...him?

BARBIE
I got tired of living in the jungle, Joe! A fashionista like me needs more in life than mosquito netting

G.I. JOE
But... I shared everything I have with you

BARBIE
Really Joe - it's very unnerving having to use crates filled with hand grenades as a table and I'm tired of losing new friends that end up as a main course for Cuddles, your boa constrictor

G.I. JOE

Look - you gotta admit that he's is the best on guard duty. I'll ditch Cuddles, okay? Let's just leave this outhouse

KEN
Outhouse? You call this an outhouse? I'll have you know that this was given to me a thank you for my role in a movie!

G.I. Joe
Oh yeah? What was the name of this so-called movie? 'Sissy-boy loves surfboard'? Ha-ha-ha...

BARBIE
Um - Joe...I was in the movie, too. I-I moved in with Ken.

G.I.JOE
After all we been to each other, babe, you're bailing on me? I shared everything I have wid you!

BARBIE
Exactly. That's why I'm staying here in La-La-Land where I belong, in this beautiful mansion with the beautiful people. Uh-oh... Look at the time. We have a dinner party with our new friends.

KEN
(caressing his surfboard)
Um - I think I'm gonna pass on that. You know I'm not into that kind of stuff

BARBIE
Oh fer... Fine. Stay here but don't call me if you get splinters, again.

(helicopter descends and G.I. JOE climbs up ladder)

G.I. JOE
You're gonna miss me, babe! You know where to find me

BARBIE
Not if I can help it

(voices call Barbie by name)

BARBIE
Sure you won't change your mind, Ken?

KEN
...so warm and welcoming, my Surfy...

BARBIE

'I'm coming Woody and Buzz!'

BARBIE runs off to meet her new friends

2009-12-14T21:44:00.008-05:00

"DEAD WRITES" (Revised)

by Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE I

SETTING: A funeral parlor - Early afternoon

AT RISE: A funeral chapel. A group of people chat between themselves while waiting for the service to begin. A coffin is situated on an elevated stand in the middle of the room

FELICIA PEMBROOK, wearing a diaphanous dress, sits on the floor next to a coffin examining her surroundings. Slowly, she examines her body, touching her dress

LIGHTING: Dim lighting, except for a coffin in the middle of the room, which is spot-lit with a white light.

SOUND: somber organ music.

FELICIA
What the hell… Really must'a tied one on last night. Weird though. No hangover like usual… No feelings, period

Staggering to a standing position she walks around the coffin, touching the surface while trying unsuccessfully to peer inside. A somberly dressed male passes by, seemingly without noticing or acknowledging her presence

(cont’d) 'Scuse me…hello'?'

Man continues to ignore her, focusing and fixing the inside of the
coffin

(cont’d) Is this a… for real funeral parlor? Shoot! What’s the matter with me? Duh! This is another of Phil’s dumb jokes. Wait ‘til I get him…

Man continues to ignore her

Don’t bother answering me or anything… Fine – suit yourself. I'll find out on my own!

A man (JOSIAH) enters and stands directly behind FELICIA.
He has white hair, is dressed in a white shirt and matching
white pants that glitter

JOSIAH
Perhaps I could be of assistance in some way?

FELICIA
Ho-ly shit… What do we have here? A human Christmas tree ornament

SOUND: thunderclap

JOSIAH
I beg your pardon?

FELICIA
Do you come with sound effects, too?

JOSIAH
Just a suggestion here and take it for what it’s worth but your colorful language could prove to be problematic

FELICIA
You an agent for the grammar police? Do we know each other?

JOSIAH
Excuse me?

FELICIA
A little nervous are we, when I mention “po-lice”? Perhaps you’ve dealt with them on occasion?

JOSIAH
In my business we deal with all types and police officers are very common in my milieu

FELICIA
Not surprising. You earn your living dressed like… that?

JOSIAH
Sorry?

FELICIA
I bet you are Wigs? Makeup? That kind’a stuff? Do I have to draw you a picture?

JOSIAH
(puzzled)
I’m not sure of what you’re getting at…

FELICIA
You don’t have to be shy with me. I’m very liberal when it comes to life style choices. Different strokes for different folks I always say

JOSIAH
There is no moral conflict with my calling. Actually, I chose this because white is such a pure color and the glitter sort-of attached itself to me. Don’t quite know why

FELICIA
Your family doesn’t know anything about your life style, do they?

JOSIAH
By family you mean - of course they’re very much aware of my work down here. In fact they rely almost entirely on my input. I’m an important source of information

FELICIA
And they’re okay with it?

JOSIAH
Of course. Why wouldn’t they be? I have to admit I do enjoy my job

FELICIA
You’re not one of those people who – you know - like to get up close and personal with dead bodies.

JOSIAH
If you’re asking me if I mind being present among those that have passed…

FELICIA
Shit! Do I have to spell it out for you

SOUND:
THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH
(staring upward)
'Yes – of course!'

(Cont’d. JOSIAH) Please watch the manner in which you speak. Where I reside that’s one of the words considered an offensive term of reference

FELICIA
(glancing upward)
Something wrong with the ceiling? Where you reside, I would imagine a lot of things could be considered questionable. What is it with you and the way I speak? It’s none of your damned business –

SOUND:
THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH
That would be another no-no - a real no-no

FELICIA
Pullleeze! God damn hell…

SOUND:
THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH
You must stop! Is it really necessary to use those words?

FELICIA
It’s my mouth and I can choose what comes out of it. Hell, there have been more than words rolling out but I’ll spare you the details…

SOUND:
THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH

‘excuse me Sir – I was just explaining the rules to her…’

(BACK TO FELICIA)… That “H” word is never mentioned out loud, ever

FELICIA
For your information words are my bread and butter, so don’t try telling me which one’s I can and can’t use. Hell! Hell! Hell! There! I said and I’m proud to have said it

JOSIAH
(staring upwards)
‘I’m trying Sir – I’m really trying! Yes I know but she’s new at this’

(BACK TO FELICIA) At least consider my cautionary advice?

FELICIA
(distracted)
This is some kind of weird funeral parlor. So many damn rules!

SOUND:
THUNDERCLAP

Can’t do this, can’t do that. Can’t swear - I mean, really, and with all due respect, my words fall on deaf ears in the true sense of the word. Strikes me that you’re familiar with the routine so maybe you can explain. I've been trying to get an angle on how and why I’m here but that guy over there won’t give me the time of day

JOSIAH
Mr. Postner, the funeral arranger? I can say with absolute certainty that he isn’t even aware of your presence

FELICIA
That’s obvious. It has’ta be this tacky outfit. I don't even own anything like this, so why and how I ended up wearing this rag is beyond me

JOSIAH
I wouldn’t worry too much about these things. In your case it doesn’t make a difference

FELICIA
I don’t want people to think I don’t have anything better. Maybe I should go home and change. Do I have time before the funeral starts?

JOSIAH
Trust me when I tell you that the last thing you should worry about is your clothing choice and as for Mr. Postner here, he’s just doing the job he has to do

FELICIA
Considering it’s his business dealing with dead bodies, the least he could do is be polite and answer me. I’m gonna make sure to tell people not to use this funeral parlor. I bet they charge big bucks, too. Maybe I’ll even write this place up in the paper

JOSIAH
Sad that many people hear the words flow out of my mouth but don't want to listen. Very sad indeed…

FELICIA
Y’know – just an observation but it’s no wonder nobody pays attention to you dressed the way you are. Doesn't exactly inspire confidence especially in this kind of business. I’m getting the impression that you’re connected to this place, am I right? Don't get insulted, mister Josiah person and I'm no fashionista, but have you considered maybe your sparkly outfit is a little over the top for this type of job? Perhaps a dark suit would be a better choice

JOSIAH
(pensive)
Rich and poor, they all end up in the same place…

FELICIA
You're just one happy-crappy guy, aren't you?

JOSIAH
That… person who passed on, she never bothered to reach out to anyone. Lived her entire life satisfying her corporeal needs and her ego

FELICIA
So you do know the corpse. I figured as much. Now how ‘bout sharing that with me so at least it’ll answer why I’m here

JOSIAH
In due time, in due time. So now, have you led an honorable life?

FELICIA
You sound like one of those TV preachers. What’s it your business, anyway, what kind of life I lead?

JOSIAH
I thought being that we’re getting to know each other you wouldn’t mind answering a few of my questions. I’m a very curious person by nature

FELICIA
Some would say nosey. Listen buddy boy – I don’t want to get to know you, got that? I’m here for the funeral and it would be nice to know who in the hell – heck – died. So bug off! Go stand under a Christmas tree or something!

JOSIAH
It wasn’t my intention to offend and if I did, I’m truly sorry. I just wanted to get some sort of idea what type of person you were… I mean, are.

FELICIA
I’m a little up tight with this here situation. So you wanna know about Felicia, huh. I’m not ashamed to say I’m a “been there, done that” kind of female. Isn’t that why we were put on this earth? To experience everything life has to offer?

JOSIAH
To a degree I suppose, but there’s more to it than that. You’re supposed to help your fellow human. If only people would realize when they have the chance that life is not about accumulating riches or… things. What’s important is what a person gives of themselves to make the lives of others happy

FELICIA
A philosophical funeral organizer, too – I am indeed blessed. Shit! Lemme make this as easy as possible. You gots your users and use-ees. It’s either use or be used and I don’t take no crap from anyone. Ask anyone I work with. They’ll tell you Felicia’s no pushover

JOSIAH
We are all accountable for our actions

FELICIA
I know that I'm gonna be a better person receiving that helpful advice from Mr. Sparkle. Places like this used to give me the creeps whenever I went to a funeral. This one, though, kind of…makes me feel warm. Now don’t get the wrong impression ‘bout me – I’m not one of those funeral groupies or anything that check out the obits for kicks. You know what I mean? People that use funerals as a social occasion? I’m rambling. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m gonna join that corpse soon

JOSIAH
Could be sooner than you think

Female wanders in, stopping every so often to check out the surroundings.
She stares at JOSIAH and smiles at FELICIA

FEMALE
Hi! Nice to see another body here and I mean that in the best sense of course.

FELICIA
It’s about time somebody noticed I’m here!

FEMALE
Know where you’re coming from. Just wish I knew how I ended up here

JOSIAH
But…you shouldn’t be here, my dear. I’m guessing that you’re a friend of Michael?

Man (MICHAEL) dressed entirely in blue with glittering pants rushes in and
places his arm around female’s shoulder

MICHAEL
So there you are! You shouldn’t wander off like that. Come along now…

JOSIAH
You must take better care of your charges, Michael! You’ve been warned about losing your souls. You’ve still got two missing souls unaccounted for wandering the earth. This is not good, Michael!

MICHAEL
I’ve got a search party out looking for them. I mean, what could possibly go wrong with them? After all – they are…

JOSIAH
…better get along now

FEMALE
Nice meeting you. Why can’t I stay and chat with her….

MICHAEL leads female away

FELICIA
Another member of your group, I suppose? So, is this funeral gonna start any time soon? Gotta get back to The Sentinal before those b - bad people steal one of my leads. You seem to know how things are run, here. Can’t you move things along? I mean, those people must have jobs to go back to

JOSIAH
Do any of the mourners look familiar?

FELICIA

FELICIA studies group of mourners

Perhaps… a few strike a familiar chord… Hang on a sec - they're reporters for our newspaper. That must mean I know the stiff in the coffin. Or perhaps you do? Is it… Jack McGrath or Pete Winston? Shoot- tell me it’s not! Don't know how many times I warned them both to slow down, but did they listen? Of course not! What does an old broad like me know

JOSIAH
It's neither one of them

FELICIA
That's a relief 'cause we're the last three old farts left at the paper. We seen 'em come and we seen 'em leave. Some moved on to bigger and better papers and some left in a wooden box. Just like that poor corpse in there

She strains to see in the coffin again without results

JOSIAH
Don’t worry. You'll know who's in there shortly

FELICIA
This is getting ridiculous! It’s an open coffin for shit’s sake and for some weird reason, I can’t tell whose inside. Take a look at those mourners. A bunch of green kids out of J-school. What do they know about getting a story? People can't write about life without experiencing it and how much could they know at their age? No work ethic. They sit and wait for the phone to ring and take the facts over the phone. Only go after the high profile stories so they can get the byline. Things sure aren’t what they used to be

JOSIAH
The young have to learn the ropes the same way as you did but then they have a lot of time. You certainly experienced life to the fullest, didn't you?

FELICIA
Hey - I didn't need no journalism school to teach me. I had the best teacher - good old trial and error. Made mistakes and paid for them all along the way, but I learned – shit how I learned –

SOUND: thunderclap

JOSIAH
- perhaps another word …

FELICIA
(laughing)
You mean the word, 'shit!' Hey – I shit, you shit, we all shit – that’s nature at work!

JOSIAH
Your sense of humor eludes me

FELICIA
Well ex-cu-sez-moi! They all respect me at The Sentinal, you know. They know better than to cross this old broad. See them newbie reporters using them – whad’ya call them – knee computer crap. Gimme a good, old solid typewriter any day

JOSIAH
You never shared your accumulated knowledge with any of them, Felicia. How come?

FELICIA
You gotta be kidding. Hey – I hadda fight every step of the way to get where I am. Nobody was around to lead me by the hand and that goes for them too. They'll learn the heard way

JOSIAH
There comes a point in one's life when those who go before must pass on their wisdom to others. You obviously never learned that

FELICIA
The only thing I share is bad breath. Just tell me already so I can go home and change out of this outfit

JOSIAH
Somebody you know intimately

FELICIA
That would cover a very long list of guys. Could you gimme a hint, maybe?

JOSIAH
You'll know in due course

FELICIA
All this hush-hush top-secret stuff. If you’re one of those - what do they call them now - grief councilors , I don't need your services. Death doesn't scare me none. No siree. I’m ready to go – not yet of course

JOSIAH
Part of my duties entails helping people through a difficult period of transition. In fact I've never missed a funeral

FELICIA
What does your wife say 'bout you hanging round a funeral parlor day and night…assuming you're married…are you? Married, I mean

JOSIAH
(laughing out loud)
Not quite!

FELICIA
You don't have to kill yourself laughing. It's not such a dumb question. If I was hooked up to someone like you, I'd be wondering about your attraction to a place like this

JOSIAH
(gaining his composure)
I'm sorry. It's not your question that tickles my funny bone. Once all is revealed…well – you'll understand the reason for my amusement soon enough

FELICIA
Is it necessary for you to keep talking in riddles? You keep hinting at…like there's something I should know but don't. I'm getting these flashes…a feeling that our paths have crossed …somewhere. It's like… just out of reach of my consciousness

JOSIAH
We've had a few close encounters in the past, Felicia, but this is the first time we've met one-on-one so to speak

FELICIA
(glancing around)
Strikes me that this corpse wasn't too popular in life judging by the few people who showed up to say goodbye. Then again, real friends are hard to come by

JOSIAH
It's actually quite sad. That person believed she –

FELICIA
- so it's a woman -

JOSIAH
As I was saying she assumed she never needed people and in the end, seems that they weren't there for her when she needed them most

Mourner moves to front of room, and stands in front of coffin

FELICIA
'Janice? Hey girl, we were supposed to meet for lunch yesterday! I showed up but where were you?' Janice is my closest friend at the paper

JANICE

JANICE talks to "person" in the coffin

You miserable, lying bitch! At last you made a useful contribution to the world and left it! Good riddance to bad rubbish

FELICIA
‘Is that a way to talk about the dearly departed? Even dead people deserve respect from the living.’ No class but that’s part of who she is and I accept her ‘cause we’re best friends

JANICE touches the coffin and returns to her seat

She's probably pissed 'cause the corpse stole a lead away from her. 'Ya gotta move quickly if 'ya want a byline in our biz. You snooze – you lose. We better take a seat with the rest of them. Looks like everyone from the paper is here so who’s the corpse

FELICIA takes a seat next to JANICE.

ASIDE TO JANICE: You never did have any class, girl.

Turns to the man sitting on the other side of her

Hey Pete-ee! So, how's it goin' with you?

(PETE) ignores FELICIA, talks to the female on his other side

(Cont’d.) Hey - I'm speaking to you. What's with them all, today?

JOSIAH
He can't hear you

FELICIA
Oh please! He hears me all right but he's busy chatting up the new reporter, Chloe Starshine. That guy can't keep his zipper closed around the opposite sex, if you get my drift

JOSIAH
Has it dawned on you, yet, why you're here?

FELICIA
To pay my respects to someone in the print 'biz. What else? You know…I've covered practically every kind of story but I can't ever remember spending the night in a funeral parlor. This is a new one for me and it's about this outfit I'm wearing. I'm assuming I didn't have time to change 'cause I wouldn't be caught dead in this

JOSIAH
(bursts out laughing)
In your state clothes are the last things you should worry about…

FELICIA
I'm happy you find me so amusing. Ssh! I wanna hear the name of the corpse, I mean dearly departed

MINISTER steps behind podium

MINISTER
Friends…

Voice calls out:
'She didn't have any!'

MINISTER
…we are here to bid goodbye to one…

Another voice:

'Good riddance to bad rubbish!'

MINISTER
…a…good reporter and… a good friend and colleague…

FELICIA
At last I'm gonna find out who this mystery person is. Strikes me she sure wasn't liked, but even dead people deserve respect

FELICIA stands up and addresses everyone

'That's no way to speak about the dead, you bunch of parasites. Show some remorse!'

MINISTER
Is there anyone here who has something positive to say, about the departed? A few words would suffice. Surely there must be one person in this entire room that could say a few nice words about the late Felicia Pembrook? Anybody?

FELICIA
I can speak for myself, thank you very much…What's with this "late" crap? What am I late for? A meeting…an interview… I’m sure I checked my agenda…

MINISTER
No one? Then we'll have a quick service for Ms Pembroke and you can all go back to work

FELICIA
Is this guy for real? Let me make this very clear: 'I'm among you, in the flesh! Look at me! I'm sitting right here.'

JOSIAH
I've been trying to tell you…

FELICIA
I know what's going on here. They've all staged this to teach me a lesson. 'Well, it won't work people! I'm on to you all!'

FELICIA stands up on chair, waves and screams

FELICIA
Felicia is here among you! The old witch is alive and kicking. You can't ignore me forever

JOSIAH walks to the front of the room, and stands behind the coffin

JOSIAH
I'm the only person who can see – and hear you

FELICIA
You keep saying that and you expect me to believe it? A guy dressed like a Christmas tree ornament?

JOSIAH
Believe it or not – it's the truth. Haven't you wondered why no one has acknowledged your existence? You know as a reporter you have to deal with the facts and the facts here are undeniable. This will probably be a shocker to you but you-are-dead, my dear!

FELICIA
You're one crazy weirdo! This is just another nightmare - it has to be a nightmare. Must'a eaten a bad rack of ribs. All right… I'm willing myself to wake up now…wake-up…wake-up…c'mon body – get up!

JOSIAH
Come over here and take a peak inside

FELICIA looks hesitatingly inside and jumps back

FELICIA
If this is a bad joke, I don't have a good sense of humor, today. Enough is enough, already. I don't know how you did this, making a person look just like me. It's been a blast but I got things to do, places to go…

Aside to mourners

'Okay you guys. You pulled off the ultimate practical joke. Got me fair and square. I give in…'

JOSIAH
It's you in there for real

FELICIA
(laughing lightly)
Who hired you, huh, and how much did they pay to help pull off this prank? Whatever they gave you – I'll double it to get even

JOSIAH
Money is of no significance and it's the real thing - or you're the real thing

FELICIA
Is this one of those dinner theatre productions and I'm playing myself? That's it, right? Please say it is!

JOSIAH
Trust me when I tell you that you are here in spirit only

FELICIA
Oh I got spirit, all right and it comes straight out'ta a bottle of vodka. You don't happen to have a flask on you? I could really use a shot right now

JOSIAH
Go on - check your body out…

FELICIA runs her hand over her body

FELICIA
It's like I'm touching…nothing

JOSIAH
There is no more Felicia Pembroke as you knew her. In fact you don't really have a body at all. It's a transitory illusion so you can accomplish your job

FELICIA

She paces back and forth in a panic

This isn't real - it can't be - I don't want this to be real! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! See – I don’t always swear. When…how did this happen?

JOSIAH
Your passing occurred two days ago. A massive heart attack while eating a Big Mickey Trio. Died with a french-fry stuck in your throat

FELICIA
Didn't somebody try and give me CPR or something?

JOSIAH
The restaurant staff worked on you but it was your time to go, so nothing helped

FELICIA
If I'm - I can't even say the word, never mind accept it - dead like you say, then what am I doing here? Shouldn't I be…you know…in a heavenly place or something? This sure ain't heaven and I don't hear harps playing anywhere

JOSIAH
(laughing)
Only in films, my dear

FELICIA
Why am I still here? I see people…

JOSIAH
…but they can’t see you. Perhaps an introduction is in order now. Officially, my title is Josiah, Spiritual Adviser – Disembodied Souls Division – we call ourselves the SADD people – a little inside joke

FELICIA
Just…Josiah?

JOSIAH
Just…Josiah. No last names

FELICIA
Okay tell me… Josiah, what I'm supposed to do next? Hang around here and haunt this place?

JOSIAH
It's not quite as simple as that. In most cases a person dies and the soul moves on to wherever it's supposed to go. However, we've run into – how do you say down here – a snag in processing your case to its finality

FELICIA
What kind of snag are we talking about? Not major I’m hoping. I still got things to do

JOSIAH
Actually, this is a little embarrassing. The Judgment Assembly - of which I'm a member – is in charge of processing the paper work and can't decide on the fate of your
soul. There’s a split among a few of us as to whether you really belong with the people of light or…the other side

FELICIA
You're on the good side, right? That means the odds are in my favor

JOSIAH
I'm but one person. Some are of the opinion that your choice of lifestyle doesn't warrant
moving on to the next level

Grabbing a sheet of paper floating down

'Thank you!' Let me see here … At their last meeting, it still appears there’s a split amongst the celestial gatekeepers. The score is five for and five against. A veritable tie

FELICIA
I'm being punished for living a full life? Isn't that what humans are supposed to do?

JOSIAH
There is living…and then there is living. Your time here is supposed to be a learning experience but some do go overboard. That's when we encounter problems, like yours

FELICIA
How was I supposed to know what to do with my life? I just did what I figured was good at the time. If I'd known that it would be held against me down the line, I would've…I would've… Know what? I wouldn't have changed one damn thing…

SOUND: thunderclap

JOSIAH
Please! If you value your future, don't ever use that word. Never speak it out loud. In your precarious situation, it's even more essential that you remember

FELICIA
Being that I've never been dead before…

JOSIAH
Actually, you have but this isn't the time or place to discuss these ethereal issues

FELICIA
…and I'm not a by-the-book person at the best of times, so you know I'm gonna make mistakes, especially being a newbie at this and everything

JOSIAH
Please try holding your tongue when choosing your words - what a peculiar expression that is. Does it help to actually hold a tongue physically, to stop from saying certain things?

FELICIA
I mean, I didn't kill anyone. Well…nobody important. So I accidentally ran over a squirrel or two. Okay, it wasn't that accidental…but there are a lot more of them…

JOSIAH
Not an ideal frame of reference

FELICIA
I did get out of the car and move it to the side of the road. That I didn’t leave it there to rot as road kill for passing crows. should count for something.

JOSIAH
That and the others also came up for review by the way. There are some who need convincing that you can be redeemed

FELICIA
I’m begging, give me another chance to make up for all the things I didn't do and all the things I should have done, and all the bad stuff I did. Look – I can change! Let me prove it to all of you and you'll see that I'm worthy of rehabilitation

JOSIAH
Your time here is over as you experienced it

FELICIA
But you said…

JOSIAH
You assumed that life would be the same as before but that's not possible. A temporary soul-free zone has been negotiated on your behalf in the hope that you can improve yourself and your soul. You’ll be a free agent for six months from this day – no more, no less

FELICIA

Drops to her knees and kisses
JOSIAH’s hand

I'm your humble servant! Your willing slave

JOSIAH
No need for that. I hope you mean what you say because you're probably not going to like what I'm about to tell you

FELICIA
(glancing around)
Will you look at that. They've all gone. Two faced sons of a…

JOSIAH
There is one person who remained

FELICIA
It's just that Chloe Starshine, the air head. She doesn't count. Started working for us - I mean The Sentinal last week. Straight out'ta J-school she is. Believes everything anyone tells her

JOSIAH
Do you think she's got potential as a reporter?

FELICIA
Not unless she toughens up. They step all over her and she doesn't even realize it

JOSIAH
What if…somebody took her under her wing and showed her the ropes?

FELICIA
That person would have her work cut out for her, let me tell you! Hang on – you don't mean… Forgetaboutit! No way! Uh-uh!

JOSIAH
If that's your final decision then I better get in touch with the group…

FELICIA
Do they allow blackmail where you come from?

JOSIAH
I'm merely the messenger. I believe I made a joke

FELICIA
So you're not giving me a choice here, are you?

JOSIAH
You still have free will. I'm just explaining how things work

FELICIA
It would take a lot of time and even then, I don't know if she's got what it takes to succeed in this biz

JOSIAH
Then you'll have your work cut out for you. Just keep in mind how you felt when you first started at the paper. How scared you were…how much easier it would have been if somebody had been there to take you by the hand and lead the way

FELICIA
Cheesh – the kid is crying, for heaven's sake. 'Get a grip, girl!'

CHLOE moves to the front of the room. She touches the coffin,
caressing the sides and runs out exiting

JOSIAH
See? There was a person who genuinely cared for you

FELICIA
Go figure and she only knew me for a month. So what comes next?

JOSIAH
She's meeting your co-workers at a bar you frequent. "Down Time" I believe it's called…

FELICIA
…I wish I had a cent for all the bucks in tips I slipped across the counter at that place. I would have been a millionaire for sure. A scotch rocks would suit me fine right now…at least I think I’d like it…I'm not sure anymore

JOSIAH
There's no more need for - how shall I put it - earthly indulgences

FELICIA
But say if I really felt like a drink…

JOSIAH
You'll find your taste buds non-existent

FELICIA
I could indulge, right? And I won't get drunk or hung over?

JOSIAH
Hangovers are a thing of the past as are earthly desires

FELICIA
Listen, do I get to choose a younger body, maybe? That would be a big boost to my ego

JOSIAH
Don't push things

FELICIA
Are we leaving?

JOSIAH
If you'll follow me…

FELICIA
How would I do that, now?

JOSIAH
I keep forgetting that newcomers are earth-bound. Close your eyes …

JOSIAH snaps his fingers and they fade into nothingness

2009-11-12T09:10:00.013-05:00

Still submitting and waiting for that first acceptance. I mean, I ain't gettin' any younger! Be that as it may...I'm back working on a play I started perhaps ten years ago with many edits and tinkering along the way. The more I read it - the more I realize that I really like it so I'm sharing the first ten or so pages with the world - or whoever happens to drop by. I should be so lucky!

Will provide updates as to its progress along the way. Meanwhile, enjoy. Feedback welcome.

THIS IS A REVISED VERSION UPDATED ON DECEMBER 5, 2009.

Please note that this is not in play format due to cut-and-paste process.

DEAD WRITES
By Eleanor Tylbor

SETTING: A funeral parlor - Early afternoon

AT RISE: A funeral chapel. A group of people chat between themselves while waiting for the service to begin. A coffin is situated on an elevated stand in the middle of the room

FELICIA PEMBROOK, wearing a diaphanous dress, sits on the floor next to a coffin examining her surroundings. Slowly, she examines her body, touching her dress

LIGHTING: Dim lighting, except for a coffin in the middle of the room, which is spot-lit with a white light.

SOUND: somber organ music.

FELICIA
What the hell… Really must'a tied one on last night. Weird though. No hangover like usual… No feelings, period

Staggering to a standing position she walks around the coffin, touching the surface while trying unsuccessfully to peer inside. A somberly dressed male passes by, seemingly without noticing or acknowledging her presence.

(Cont'd. FELICIA) 'Scuse me…hello'?'

Man continues to ignore her, focusing and fixing the inside of the coffin

(cont’d FELICIA) Is this a… for real funeral parlor? Shoot! What’s the matter with me? Duh! This is another of Phil’s dumb jokes. Wait ‘til I get him…

Man continues to ignore her

Don’t bother answering me or anything… Fine – suit yourself. I'll find out on my own!

A man (JOSIAH) enters and stands directly behind FELICIA. He has white hair, is dressed in a white shirt and matching white pants that glitter

JOSIAH
Perhaps I could be of assistance in some way?

FELICIA
Ho-ly shit… What do we have here? A human Christmas tree ornament

SOUND: thunderclap

JOSIAH
I beg your pardon?

FELICIA
Do you come with sound effects, too?

JOSIAH
Just a suggestion here and take it for what it’s worth but your colorful language could prove to be problematic

FELICIA
You an agent for the grammar police? Do we know each other?

JOSIAH
Excuse me? Police?

FELICIA
A little nervous are we, when I mention “po-lice”? Perhaps you’ve dealt with them on occasion?

JOSIAH
In my business we deal with all types and police officers are very common in my milieu

FELICIA
Not surprising. You earn your living dressed like… that?

JOSIAH
Sorry?

FELICIA
You should be Wigs - makeup? That kind’a stuff? Do I have to draw you a picture?

JOSIAH
(puzzled)
I’m not sure of what you’re getting at…

FELICIA
You don’t have to be shy with me. I’m very liberal when it comes to life style choices. Different strokes for different folks I always say

JOSIAH
There is no moral conflict with my calling. Actually, I chose this because white is such a pure color and the glitter sort-of attached itself to me. Don’t quite know why

FELICIA
Your family doesn’t know anything about your life style, do they?

JOSIAH
By family you mean - of course they’re very much aware of my work down here. In fact they rely almost entirely on my input. I’m an important source of information

FELICIA
And they’re okay with it?

JOSIAH
Of course. Why wouldn’t they be? I have to admit I do enjoy my job

FELICIA
Do tell. You’re not one of those people who – you know - like to get up close and personal with dead bodies.

JOSIAH
If you’re asking me if I mind being present among those that have passed…

FELICIA
Shit! Do I have to spell it out for you

SOUND: THUNDERCLAP

JOSIAH
(staring upward)
'Yes – of course!'

(Cont’d. JOSIAH) Please watch the manner in which you speak. Where I reside that’s one of the words considered an offensive term of reference

FELICIA
(glancing upward)
Something wrong with the ceiling? Where you reside, I would imagine a lot of things could be considered questionable. What is it with you and the way I speak? It’s none of your damned business –

SOUND:THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH
That would be another no-no - a real no-no

FELICIA
Pullleeze! God damn hell…

SOUND: THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH
You must stop! Is it really necessary to use those words?

FELICIA
It’s my mouth and I can choose what comes out of it. Hell, there have been more than words rolling out but I’ll spare you the details…

SOUND:
THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH

‘excuse me Sir – I was just explaining the rules to her…’

(BACK TO FELICIA)… That “H” word is never mentioned out loud, ever

FELICIA
For your information words are my bread and butter, so don’t try telling me which one’s I can and can’t use. Hell! Hell! Hell! There! I said and I’m proud to have said it

JOSIAH
(staring upwards)
‘I’m trying Sir – I’m really trying! Yes I know but she’s new at this’

(BACK TO FELICIA) At least consider my cautionary advice?

FELICIA
(distracted)
This is some kind of weird funeral parlor. So many damn rules!
SOUND:THUNDERCLAP

Can’t do this, can’t do that. Can’t swear - I mean, really, and with all due respect, my words fall on deaf ears in the true sense of the word. Strikes me that you’re familiar with the routine so maybe you can explain. I've been trying to get an angle on how and why I’m here but that guy over there won’t give me the time of day

JOSIAH
Mr. Postner, the funeral arranger? I can say with absolute certainty that he isn’t even aware of your presence

FELICIA
That’s obvious. It has’ta be this tacky outfit. I don't even own anything like this, so why and how I ended up wearing this rag is beyond me

JOSIAH
I wouldn’t worry too much about these things. In your case it doesn’t make a difference

FELICIA
I don’t want people to think I don’t have anything better. Maybe I should go home and change. Do I have time before the funeral starts?

JOSIAH
Trust me when I tell you that the last thing you should worry about is your clothing choice and as for Mr. Postner here, he’s just doing the job he has to do

FELICIA
Considering it’s his business dealing with dead bodies, the least he could do is be polite and answer me. I’m gonna make sure to tell people not to use this funeral parlor. I bet they charge big bucks, too. Maybe I’ll even write this place up in the paper

JOSIAH
Sad that many people hear the words flow out of my mouth but don't want to listen. Very sad indeed…

FELICIA
Y’know – just an observation but it’s no wonder nobody pays attention to you dressed the way you are. Doesn't exactly inspire confidence especially in this kind of business. I’m getting the impression that you’re connected to this place, am I right? Don't get insulted, mister Josiah person and I'm no fashionista, but have you considered maybe your sparkly outfit is a little over the top for this type of job? Perhaps a dark suit would be a better choice

JOSIAH
(pensive)
Rich and poor, they all end up in the same place…

FELICIA
You're just one happy-crappy guy, aren't you?

JOSIAH
That… person who passed on, she never bothered to reach out to anyone. Lived her entire life satisfying her corporeal needs and her ego

FELICIA
So you do know the corpse. I figured as much. Now how ‘bout sharing that with me so at least it’ll answer why I’m here

JOSIAH
In due time, in due time. So now, have you led an honorable life?

FELICIA
You sound like one of those TV preachers. What’s it your business, anyway, what kind of life I lead?

JOSIAH
I thought being that we’re getting to know each other you wouldn’t mind answering a few of my questions. I’m a very curious person by nature

FELICIA
Some would say nosey. Listen buddy boy – I don’t want to get to know you, got that? I’m here for the funeral and it would be nice to know who in the hell – heck – died. So bug off! Go stand under a Christmas tree or something!

JOSIAH
It wasn’t my intention to offend and if I did, I’m truly sorry. I just wanted to get some sort of idea what type of person you were… I mean, are.

FELICIA
I’m a little up tight with this here situation. So you wanna know about Felicia, huh. I’m not ashamed to say I’m a “been there, done that” kind of female. Isn’t that why we were put on this earth? To experience everything life has to offer?

JOSIAH
To a degree I suppose, but there’s more to it than that. You’re supposed to help your fellow human. If only people would realize when they have the chance that life is not about accumulating riches or… things. What’s important is what a person gives of themselves to make the lives of others happy

FELICIA
A philosophical funeral organizer, too – I am indeed blessed. Shit! Lemme make this as easy as possible. You gots your use-rs and use-ees. It’s either use or be used and I don’t take no crap from anyone. Ask anyone I work with. They’ll tell you Felicia’s no pushover

JOSIAH
We're all accountable for our actions

FELICIA
I know that I'm gonna be a better person receiving that helpful advice from Mr. Sparkle. Places like this used to give me the creeps whenever I went to a funeral. This one, though, kind of…makes me feel warm. Now don’t get the wrong impression ‘bout me – I’m not one of those funeral groupies or anything that check out the obits for kicks. You know what I mean? People that use funerals as a social occasion? I’m rambling. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m gonna join that corpse soon

JOSIAH
Could be sooner than you think

FELICIA
So, is this funeral gonna start any time soon? Gotta get back to The Sentinal before those b... - bad people steal one of my leads. You seem to know how things are run, here. Can’t you move things along? I mean, those people must have jobs to go back to

JOSIAH
Do any of the mourners look familiar?

FELICIA

FELICIA studies group of mourners

Perhaps… a few strike a familiar chord… Hang on a sec - they're reporters for our newspaper. That must mean…I know the stiff in the coffin. Or perhaps you do? Is it… Jack McGrath or Pete Winston? Shoot- tell me it’s not! Don't know how many times I warned them both to slow down, but did they listen? Of course not! What does an old broad like me know

JOSIAH
It's neither one of them

FELICIA
That's a relief 'cause we're the last three old farts left at the paper. We seen 'em come and we seen 'em leave. Some moved on to bigger and better papers and some left in a wooden box. Just like that poor corpse in there

She strains to see in the coffin again

JOSIAH
Don’t worry. You'll know who's in there shortly

FELICIA
This is getting ridiculous! It’s an open coffin for shit’s sake and for some weird reason, I can’t tell whose inside. Take a look at those mourners. A bunch of green kids out of J-school. What do they know about getting a story? People can't write about life without experiencing it and how much could they know at their age? No work ethic. They sit and wait for the phone to ring and take the facts over the phone. Only go after the high profile stories so they can get the byline. Things sure aren’t what they used to be

JOSIAH
The young have to learn the ropes the same way as you did but then they have a lot of time. You certainly experienced life to the fullest, didn't you?

FELICIA
Hey - I didn't need no journalism school to teach me. I had the best teacher - good old trial and error. Made mistakes and paid for them all along the way, but I learned – shit how I learned –

SOUND: thunderclap

JOSIAH
- perhaps another word …

FELICIA
(laughing)
You mean the word, 'shit!' Hey – I shit, you shit, we all shit – that’s nature at work!

JOSIAH
Your sense of humor eludes me

FELICIA
Well ex-cu-sez-moi! They all respect me at The Sentinal, you know. They know better than to cross this old broad. See them newbie reporters using them – whad’ya call them – knee computer crap. Gimme a good, old solid typewriter any day

JOSIAH
You never shared your accumulated knowledge with any of them, Felicia. How come?

FELICIA
You gotta be kidding. Hey – I hadda fight every step of the way to get where I am. Nobody was around to lead me by the hand and that goes for them too. They'll learn the heard way

JOSIAH
There comes a point in one's life when those who go before must pass on their wisdom to others. You obviously never learned that

FELICIA
The only thing I share is bad breath. Just tell me already so I can go home and change out of this outfit

JOSIAH
Somebody you know intimately

FELICIA
That would cover a very long list of guys. Could you gimme a hint, maybe?

JOSIAH
You'll know in due course

FELICIA
All this hush-hush top-secret stuff. If you’re one of those - what do they call them now - grief councilors , I don't need your services. Death doesn't scare me none. No siree. I’m ready to go – not yet of course

JOSIAH
Part of my duties entails helping people through a difficult period of transition. In fact I've never missed a funeral

FELICIA
What does your wife say 'bout you hanging round a funeral parlor day and night…assuming you're married…are you? Married, I mean

JOSIAH
(laughing out loud)
Not quite!

FELICIA
You don't have to kill yourself laughing. It's not such a dumb question. If I was hooked up to someone like you, I'd be wondering about your attraction to a place like this

JOSIAH
(gaining his composure)
I'm sorry. It's not your question that tickles my funny bone. Once all is revealed…well – you'll understand the reason for my amusement soon enough

2009-10-12T08:55:00.006-04:00

A REJECTION WITH CLASS

As an aspiring playwright, rejection is an all too familiar part of the submission process. There are periods when it all gets overwhelming and rather than face yet another run of "thanks-but-no-thanks" notifications, I stop sending out my literary jewels for a while. Then along comes a theatre company and more specifically, a literary manager that makes it all worth while.

Recently, I submitted my play, "Gin: An Allegory For Playing the Game of Life" to the 1111 Theatre in the hope that it would find a home at last. Unfortunately, it has returned home to its birth place, unproduced, but the rejection made me smile and mutter, "oh well - onward and upward" instead of "oh crap- again!" What's particularly refreshing is that the Literary Manager, Louise Hamill, comments indicate she read the entire play instead of sending out another "dear playwright" form letters. That in itself makes her a cut above the rest in my eyes and worth sharing with other aspiring playwrights:

"Thank you for submitting your play, GIN: AN ALLEGORY FOR PLAYING THE GAME OF LIFE, for consideration to our theater. I enjoyed reading the work- each character's traits were clear and constant, and I never had a problem keeping the characters straight in my head (not always the case, unfortunately). I was also pleased Becky opened her eyes a bit at the end- I really wasn't sure if you were going to resolve that situation!

We need to pass on the script at this time, unfortunately, as it is not quite right for our company. I do wish you the best of luck in placing it with another theater. Thank you again for your interest!"

Thank YOU for YOUR interest Louise Hamill. You made my day.

2009-10-04T09:49:00.011-04:00

Whereas artist, Dutch artist Johan van der Dong set up a local telephone number so that people can communicate with God.

THE GOD CALL
By Eleanor Tylbor

CHARACTERS:
PHIL
G-D

SCENE:

An office or den. A student is sitting at a desk covered with books. A cell phone rings and the student glances at it to see whose calling.

PHIL
Oh G-d…I'm never gonna be ready for my exams.

(phone rings)

G-D
Hello is this Phil? This is G-d returning your phone call.

PHIL
(sarcastically)
Hi…um - God. Talk about an ego! Get a life, pal! Listen – some of us hav'ta study for exams

G-D

Don't hang up! Really. I'm Him. G-d? The Big Guy? The All Powerful and Mighty?

PHIL
Surrrrre. Uh-huh. Brian – you're so lame!

G-D

Truly – I'm not – what's his name? Brian?. My persona has always been a source of speculation and strife - the two big "S's" - among religions. I heard you call my name not five minutes ago.

PHIL
I know it's you, Brian, you jerk! You by yourself at Marios? Manager leave early?

G-D

Listen - I have a lot of return phone calls to make. Gazillions, even...all over the planet, earth. Then I have to look in on the wars and the dying people...

PHIL

You're such a jerk! Okay. If you insist. I'll take one all-dressed pizza and one vegetarian. This time make sure it's hot or no tip for you!

G-D

Seriously, I'm not Brian. I'm really - G-d!

PHIL
You always did have a big ego, Brian! Now you're calling yourself G-d? Oh you're gonna get smited!

G-D

Have it your way. One all-dressed pizza and one vegetarian. Why do I bother?"

PHIL

Don't you want my new address? I moved last week!

G-D

Trust me - I know. Now if there's nothing else, I have a lot of phone calls to make.

PHIL

Actually, there is one more very important thing you can do for me.

G-D
Is it a confession you want to make my son? I'm here for you. There's nothing so bad that can't be forgiven.

PHIL
Yeah – sure. Can you send along an order of onion rings?

2009-08-11T16:42:00.011-04:00

G.I. JOE , THE 'REAL' ONE DISCUSSES THE MOVIE WITH HIS NAME IN IT

After a stressful period of being relegated to a toy factory along with his love the fashionista of the vinyl set, BARBIE, along with her ex surfer-boyfriend KEN, the real G.I. JOE is quite upset that a movie has been made using his name as a draw. In a hastily called press conference, G.I. JOE with BARBIE by his side in his words, "wanted to clear the air."

"This is really didusting," G.I. Joe blustered, waving his trusty machine gun in the air to emphasize his emotional angst. "They've gone and used my name and they didn't even ask me if they could!"

"Didusting, G.I." the designer-dressed Barbie commented, smoothing her body-fitting dress and smiling for the photographers.

"Wha...?"

"You said, 'didusting'. There's no such word as that," Barbie emphasized, combing her blond, vinyl hair and cleaning her teeth with a bent vinyl finger. "It's disGUSTING."

"Yeah! It is! You're right on, babe! It is disbust...disrust...whatever the hell she said! This G.I. Joe movie thingie isn't even a real soldier, like me. It's a military unit! Nobody bothered to ask me, a gen-u-ine soldier if I wanted to be in it. Oh no. I would'a liked to, 'ya know!"

"Um...GI - remember you lost a foot when we busted out of the warehouse," Barbie interrupted the rant. "

"So? I could have sat at a table or something and held down the fort! Nobody would'a noticed." G.I. explained. "On top of it all, some dudes who call themselves Duke and Ripcord got jobs! But not me, G.I. Joe, the original soldier. It ain't fair!"

"I'll tell you what's not fair," Barbie intervened, "to have to walk on tippy-toes all your life, like me. Isn't that right, Ken?"

"Uh-oh! Listen! Surf's up! Gotta run!" Ken said, grabbing his surfboard and running out of the room.

'Don't let the surf board hit you on the way out, Ken...you sissy-boy!' Of course you're right like always, babe. Having to walk on tippy-toes is much worse than having your leg shot off. Hey - wanna go see the movie with my name in it? I got free tickets."

Placing a crutch under one arm and leaning on Barbie with the other, the pair left the room.

"Do you have to lean on me so much?" Barbie commented. "You're crushing my hair."

http://www.gijoemovie.com/

2009-04-23T08:53:00.009-04:00

SAME OLD, SAME OLD

by Eleanor Tylbor

So Eleanor, it's been a while since any new updates have been provided. How are things going with you in the playwriting arena?

Same old, same old. Still pursuing that evasive first play production and sending out queries to various competitions and theatres. Whenever I send out my play followed by that inevitable wait for a response, I've managed to convince myself that a long wait indicates that they/a theatre really like it and want to discuss it's merits among themselves.

"Hey Paul (or Jessica or whoever) - did you read that Tylbor play? Wasn't it hysterical? We gotta find a place for it this season!"

If this were only the case!

Also been re-reading some of my older plays and evaluating the dialogue and plots. Frequently, the concept that perhaps I only have two full plays in me surfaces. It took me almost two years to write them and umpteen years: translation: still updating, years to perfect them to the point they are now. Anyway...

Each day I check into my favorite playwriting site, The Playwright's Forum. The forum, which in my opinion is one of the best playwright-related places on the Web, is moderated by Edward Crosby-Wells and Paddy who keep things running smoothly. The site is a gathering place for both professional and neophyte professionals who offer advice and critiques when asked, in addition to sharing 'calls-for-submission' that come up. It is also the place to share successes and bemoan bad reviews or not-so-successes. On occasion and to encourage playwrights, Edd holds two-page contests for a real prize. It's a very nurturing place to hang out and highly recommended for playwrights of all levels.

When it comes to tweaking - I'm right up there. I can agonize over the meaning of a word for hours. Realistically, it's obvious that the misuse or misplacement of a word ain't gonna make a whole lot of difference or impact on whether a theatre will accept a play or not. Frequently, I get bogged down with stupid details. For example in my short, "Elvis: The Real Story" I spent 45 minutes assessing whether I should rename my female character whose current name is "Tammy." So I'm thinking: maybe Tammy is an outdated name. Perhaps another more current name like Emily, Sharon, Amanda could make a difference. This is usually followed by a period of self-deprecation and a general internal rant of "why-do-I-continue-this-continuous-search-for-recognition" to be followed by a general acknowledgement of my ability and creativity to use the right words in an entertaining way.

I've also decided it's time to add to one of my plays-in-the-making, "Dead Writes", which I started and have added to over the years. In my humble opinion, it's got potential and the makings of a good story. It's a comedy-come-mystery-come-love-story, which is always popular. The more I write about it, the more appeal it has.

Let's see now...I've wasted two hours and the characters of Dead Writes are beckoning. I'm coming Felicia. Just wondering...perhaps Felicia is not an appropriate name.

http://www.stageplays-forum.com/<

2009-02-05T10:03:00.006-05:00

BARBIE CELEBRATES HER 50TH BIRTHDAY:
BARBIE AND KEN VISIT THE PLASTIC SURGEON
BY ELEANOR TYLBOR

SCENE: WAITING ROOM OF PLASTIC SURGEON'S OFFICE.

BARBIE, "THE" PLASTIC FASHIONISTA, THUMBS THROUGH THE PAGES OF ELLE MAGAZINE. SHE IS WEARING LARGE SUNGLASSES THAT COVER A LARGE PORTION OF HER FACE AND A LARGE HAT COVERS HER HEAD. SITTING NEXT TO HER IS KEN, HER ON-AGAIN, OFF-AGAIN BOYFRIEND, WHO IS DRESSED AS PER USUAL IN SURFING TRUNKS. A SURFBOARD LEANS AGAINST THE WALL BEHIND HIM.

DR. MAK. M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
Barbie and Ken. The doctor will see you now. By the way – um - Barbie, do you have a last name for my records?

BARBIE
Like…don't you know who I am, nurse? I'm Barbie! I mean, I'm everywhere in better toy retail outlets – and of course Walmart. Everyone knows me! I don't need a last name!

DR. MAK. M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
Everybody has a last name. You can't see the doctor until my file is complete

KEN
Tell her, Barbie! You're half a century old for crying out loud

BARBIE
Oh? Since when do you have an opinion, surfer boy? If I'm a half-century – so are you!

KEN
Am not!

BARBIE
Are too!

KEN
Fibber!

BARBIE
Surfer stupid-o!

DR. MAK. M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
'Scuse me but I still don't have a last name. No last name- no see doctor

KEN
I've kept this secret because I love you, babe but I gotta tell someone. Her real name is Barbara Millicent Robert

BARBIE
(sobbing)
Ken – how could you?

KEN
There's nothing wrong with your name

BARBIE
It's so…plain and normal. I'm Barbie, fashionista! If the Bratz ever find out…

KEN
I hadda share… Wait a minute…I hear something… I smell water…

DR. MAK. M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
Oh shoot! Don't tell me the toilet's running over again. I swear, plumbers these days…

KEN
(grabbing surf board and running out of waiting room)
Surf's up!

BARBIE
(composing herself)
…he promised he would keep our secret forever…

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
There…there…Ms Robert…

BARBIE
It's Barbie! Got that?

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
Whatever… Dr. Mak M.E. Young will see you now

(another patient walks in. Looks around the office and stares at Barbie)

PATIENT
Hey! Aren't you… You know… I forget her name…

BARBIE
Yes…go on… You see me everywhere…? I'm into high-fashion…?

PATIENT
Paris Hilton! Like...ohmygawd! I can't believe it's you!

(BARBIE jumps up and hops quickly on tip-toes into the doctor's office)

BARBIE
I need help!

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG
So what can I do for you today…Miss Martin? Please sit down

BARBIE
Must I? I mean, I'd rather stand up

DR. MAK ME YOUNG
All my patients have to sit across from me because…because… Just because

BARBIE
Easier said than done… Wait a minute… Maybe if I just…

(BARBIE attempts to manoeuvre into a sitting position without success. She ends up laying on her back, across the chair)

BARBIE
I'm 50 years old, doctor! Half a century! My skin is saggy and soggy and I need to re-invent myself. Those Bratz girls are just too popular

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG
You know the Bratz too? You should see what I did for them! They look gor-geous!

BARBIE
Whad'ya gonna do for me?

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG
(examining her with a magnifying glass)
Well… too much sun-tanning…and too many late nights clubbing… It's wear-and-tear on your face, y'know! I keep telling you celebs to wear sun protection but do you listen?

BARBIE
I'm a fashionista… Like...I hav'ta do those things! Please! You have to help me! I mean, you are a plastic surgeon!

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG
Let me consult with my golfing buddies… I mean, let me talk about your case with other plastic surgeons. Go home and I'll get back to you

BARBIE
Please doctor – I'm desperate. Don't wait too long

(BARBIE attempts to get up without success. Finally after several ties, she manages to get in a standing position)

I hate it when this happens… If you could just move my arms down… Now push me up on my bum…

(DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG helps her, then opens the door. He extends his hand to say goodbye)

BARBIE
Just lift my arm up a little… Remember – I'm desperate – and I pay cash!

(TO BE CONTINUED… Will BARBIE receive the plastic surgery she believes she needs? Will DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG get a hole in one? These questions will be answered in the next instalment of "BARBIE CELEBRATES HER 50TH BIRTHDAY: BARBIE AND KEN VISIT THE PLASTIC SURGEON")

2008-11-08T12:02:00.005-05:00

The Dr. Phil and Sarah Interview: a dialogue

by Eleanor Tylbor

So Sarah Palin returns to "normal" life and starts making the rounds of the talk shows.

DR. PHIL walks on to the TV set and greets the audience

DR. PHIL
Hi there, folks! This is a great and news-making and earth-shattering and super-duper-pooper day because - right here in front of your very eyes and on TV's around the world, our guest today is Sarah Palin!

(audience cheers)

It's true - I swear it! Would, I, Dr. Phil lie to you all? Look - my fingers aren't crossed! Just a joke... Sarah's gonna be here and we're gonna talk about...stuff. You know, Alaska...Russia...the prank phone call... What's it like to lose... Meanwhile, put your hands together and welcome... SARAH PALIN!

(audience cheers)

(SARAH PALIN walks on to the stage, waving and throwing kisses to everyone. She stops half-way and throws more kisses, smiles)

DR. PHIL
Hey Sarah...sweetie! C'mon over here, darlin'!

(she ignores him and continues to wave to audience, who is now on their feet and applauding wildly)

DR. PHIL
Um...Sarah? This is my show? Hello?

(ROBIN, Dr. Phil's wife walks on stage and pushes her from behind until she is directly in front of DR. PHIL)

DR. PHIL
Now ain't that nice? Robin really loves this woman, y'know! Right Robin? 'Course she does!Now sit down, Sarah, honey!

(SARAH is still waving and throwing kisses)

DR. PHIL
(placing a hand on either shoulder)
I said...sit down! Okay. That's better. I'm the only one who stands up on this show. So Sarah - how does it feel to be a loser?

SARAH P.
Loser? You're a loser, Dr. Phil! The whole media are losers! Everyone in the whole world are losers.

(the audience responds by applauding loudly and cheering)

SARAH P.
See? They agree! Yeah! I'm a loser, alright! You better believe it!

DR. PHIL
Now...Sarah. When did you first experience these feelings of persecution?

SARAH P.
The minute I bought these new glasses. I mean, I needed a new prescription so I went out and bought new frames! Is there anything wrong with that? Suddenly, everyone is wearing the exact same frames! They could have bought other models but nooooo - they bought the exact same one's as me! Why did they do that, Dr. Phil?

DR. PHIL
(finger on chin, pensive)
Cheez - I dunno, Sarah... Maybe they were on sale or something? Never mind that. So...how y'doin'?

SARAH P.
Well...alright I guess. I mean, Alaska ain't New York or Washington or Boston or...

DR. PHIL
Aha! See folks? Sarah here's isn't geographically-challenged like the press says she is!

SARAH P.

....or Montreal...or L.A....

DR. PHIL
We get the point, babe. So? Whad'ya been up to? Been hunting lately?

SARAH P.
Well Phil - you don't mind if I call you Phil - after all...we're friends now. What was the question? Something about Neiman-Marcus?

DR. PHIL
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...! You're so funny. Not as funny as Tina Fey but funny. I was askin' you 'bout whether or not you been huntin', lately

SARAH P.
Hunting? Who told you I hunt? I don't hunt! I buy all my meat at the supermarket, silly!

DR. PHIL
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha....! 'Course you do and I'm Arnold Schwarzneggar!

SARAH P.
Who?

DR. PHIL
Arnold? Governor of California?

SARAH P.
California? Oh yeahhhhh! I can see California from my door! Yeah...

DR. PHIL
So what are your plans, now? Just to go back to your boring job of governing Alaska?

SARAH P.
Yeah... I mean, being a governor is challenging work! Very challenging! Like every morning I go into my office... Uh-oh...I forgot where my office is, again. We move a lot, y'know. They keep opening new Walmart stores

DR. PHIL
'Course it is! We know that! So...like...let's say...if a person - not me of course - wanted to hunt possum in Alaska, could they?

SARAH P.
'Course they could! We got lots of possum waiting for the stew pot in Alaska! Why, we got them running everywhere

(silence for 5 seconds)

DR. PHIL
You don't know what possum is, do you, Sarah?

SARAH P.
Not really...

DR. PHIL
Well - there you have it, folks! A regular sit-down-and-get't'know-'ya with the loser... I mean to say, Governor Sarah Palin! Thanks for dropping by, Sarah! See? We ain't so bad after all!

SARAH P.
Just wanna say before I leave that I'll be having my own talk show this fall right after you, Dr. Phil! Isn't that wonderful? You and me on the same network? It's so exciting!

DR. PHIL
Thanks for dropping by, Sarah.

SARAH P.
And I just wanna invite you and Robin to come shoot possum in Alaska anytime you want. Bye everyone!

DR. PHIL
(whipping out cell phone)
Possum in Alaska, huh...get me Wolf Blitzer at CNN...

2008-10-30T14:32:00.003-04:00

SO YET ANOTHER THEATRE IS SORRY

BY ELEANOR TYLBOR

Why do I do this to myself? I mean, really, I could have just left things as they are and not been the wiser but nooooooooo... I had to know.

So I entered one of my earlier short plays written a long time ago, to a competition. Why this particular play? To the best of my recollection, it had never been submitted anywhere and I wanted to see if it had legs. Or whatever.

Some things are better left alone and unknown.

After reading the play to myself to see how it "felt", it struck me as relatively well-written and entertaining. The characters were well-defined and the play itself relatively entertaining (note the use of the word 'relatively') so I threw caution to the wind and everything else, and decided to introduce the play to the world. I blame the entire undertaking on that infernal "send" button that always seems to beckon me.

"Aw c'mon," it seems to taunt as I stare with finger poised in the air. "Whad'ya gotta lose?"

So I sent it. By e-mail. They said I could!

Deep down in my soul there was this sinking feeling that I have got to know so well, telling me not to get my hopes up. Call it the "should'a known better" syndrome but my insecurity mixed with my enternal cockeyed optimism compelled me to send a follow-up to assess the odds of gaining an acceptance.

Why can't I leave things well enough alone? I could have lived in delusion-land assuming that a non-contact could indicate that it was under consideration.

"Dear Eleanor" it always starts out happily enough.

"Just to say I am sorry to say your script was not chosen for blah-blah. Thank you for sending your script."

Once again I've really decided to turn over a new leaf. Starting now, this very minute, I will wait for the inevitable response from a theatre, which was fortunate enough to receive one of my plays, but for whatever reason doesn't advise me of its fate. It's much more enjoyable imagining their happy and positive reaction after reading it - I mean really reading it through to the end and not just sending out a form letter - instead of being the recipient of a "dear playwright" letter.

I really mean it this time!

2008-10-13T10:10:00.008-04:00

THE BBC WANT MY PLAYS

By Eleanor Tylbor

As is the case with many - I'll go out on a limb here and use the word 'most' playwrights - I submit to calls for submission or theatres that I feel would be a good fit for my literary output. To date the plays are still waiting to see the light of day or stage and I've shared some of the rejection letters or most often, form letters, in this blog, because all aspiring playwrights have "been there - read that." Right? Besides sometimes it just feels good to vent.

Anyway, today in my e-mail, I received an invitation to enter the BBC International Playwriting Competition. It's obviously a form letter sent out to all of us who entered their competition last year and were rejected. I submitted my one act, "Retribution" which in my humble opinion was damned good but then who am I? Actually, I adapted the play for radio adding sound effects but given that the play takes place in a hairstyling salon between a man and a hairdresser seeking revenge for a terrible act perpetrated on her by the very man who is now sitting in her chair, there really wasn't that much sound one could add. We're talking here about scissors snipping, old-fashioned hair dryers, the man choking and gasping for air - that type of stuff. Upon reflection perhaps it wasn't meant for radio but the dialogue was riveting! Not riveting enough, obviously.

Here is the form invitation for anyone outside the UK who is interested in trying their luck:

Dear writer (it's always so gratifying in a letter when you are addressed as: "dear writer"),

We are contacting you because you entered our International Radio Playwriting Competition in 2007. We’re delighted to be able to tell you that our biennial competition is launching again this year! For details of how to enter, exciting interviews with writers and handy tips, please visit our website on or after the 18th October at

www.bbcworldservice.com/radioplay

Once again, there are two first prizes: one for writers for whom English is a first language, the other for those with English as a second language. Each winner will receive £2,500 and a trip to London to see their play recorded at the BBC.

There will also be the prize of a digital or short wave radio for runners up (see rules for further details).

So, if you are resident outside the UK and have a new play to send us, please consider entering again. The competition opens with the broadcast of the fantastic award winning drama Cigarettes and Chocolate by Anthony Minghella - to give you further inspiration!
Please tune in, log on and send us your scripts. We look forward to reading them.
Kind regards World Drama, BBC World Service.

So now I'm going over my plays to see if any of them meet their criteria and/or are adaptable. One of them does include tea cups clinking a lot, which might hit a high note with British sensibilities and another one includes pigeons squawking. I mean, a digital or short wave radio would also be nice.

2008-09-10T16:01:00.009-04:00

SOME-WHERRRRRE OUT THERRRRE...

By Eleanor Tylbor

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and my play to-night...
Somewhere out there someone's (me) saying a prayer
That they'll find my play enter-tain-ing and produce it somewhere.

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps one (me) to cope by wishing on a star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
Perhaps some big producer is dreaming of my witty lineeeees.

Somewhere out there if belief can see me through
Then we'll be together out there
Where dreams come true
In a theatre somewhere, where dreams come true

(with appologies to song writers James Horner, Barry Mann, Cynthia Weil)

Once again I've submitted two of my short-shorts, 20-minutes-and-under-plays to two theatres that shall remain nameless because I'm superstitious and it just could jinx things. Actually...given my success rate thus far, which is zero, nada, bubkis... Anyway, I'm hopeful that at least one of the two will be considered. More than considered. I want them to be produced!

I'm really upbeat (she said for the umpteenth time) having re-read them and laughed a lot. We're talking genuine laughter at being amused at the wit and cleverness of my lines. What else do we playwrights have but hope?

So now it's that dreaded period awaiting to receive news one way or the other. Hopefully not the other.

2008-08-06T14:06:00.009-04:00

"THANK YOU FOR LETTING US GET TO KNOW YOUR WORK..."
BY ELEANOR TYLBOR

You know you're far from achieving your goal of getting a play produced when you forget to whom, when and where they were submitted.

This hit home when once again, as is the case too many times in the past, another rejection notification greeted me in my e-mail. Actually, it came as quite a surprise since I had slowed down - read stopped - submitting my play(s) for approximately six months. A short rest I told myself, will help restart the creative process although how not submitting could achieve this was not clear. Still, I did it anyway.

Yesterday I received a rejection notice from a theatre I had somehow neglected to list in my sending-it-but-not-holding-my-breath list of "potentials." It was your usual polite thanks-but-no-thanks type rejection. You know - thanks for submitting but your script is not a good fit? That type.

However, it was the added, "we appreciated the chance to get to know your work."

O-kaaaay...

Reading this sentence over a few times it struck me that they could get to know my work a hell of a lot better if they would have produced it. We could have probably established a good working relationship. I mean, I would have been open to re-writes...changes in character names... The director and producer, actors and everyone involved could have worked together to ensure that the play would have been a smash! Be that as it may it will never be.

Sure the company member that signed the rejection notice wished me the best in my writing. They always do. If he really had my best interests at heart then he would have produced the play, no?

Anyway, the notice will join all the others but now I'm wondering how many others are "out there" waiting to make an appearance in my inbox. Ignorance is bliss.

2008-08-01T11:09:00.007-04:00

BARBIE, KEN & THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE: the continuing saga of life among the plastic people
By Eleanor Tylbor

Our story so far:

BARBIE, KEN, G.I. JOE and their plastic "sisters" and "brothers" were relegated by circumstances beyond their control to live out their lives in relative obscurity, packed away in boxes in a warehouse…somewhere. At the point G.I. Joe, always the soldier was about to blast their way out of the warehouse, they were set free due to some unexpected legal proceedings and a court case. Once again, they continue to live out their lives in Plasticville.

SCENE:
BARBIE, ever the fashionista, is in her designer bedroom filled to capacity with designer clothes, trying to decide what to wear

BARBIE
Like…I can't believe I'm actually back in my designer home again with all my designer outfits, waiting to be tried on! Bend my arms a little, Ken. That's better. Now pass me those Dolce and Gabanna outfits. No – gimme the Gucci… No – I'm in a Stella McCartney-ish mood…

(G.I. Joe and Ken rush over to grab a handful of new outfits and fight each other to be thee first to hand them to her)

G.I. JOE
Get…out'ta…my…way…surfer…stupid-o! She was talking to ME!

KEN
Stupid-o? Look who's calling me stupid-o. Mr. Soldier Boy who blew off his own foot with a grenade! I'm her favourite and always will be! Right Barb babe?

G.I. JOE
Hey! That was an unforeseen accident. Anyway, I got another one. She wants a real man and that's why I'm here!

KEN
(distracted, looking off in the distance)Is that a wave I hear? Is surf up?

BARBIE
Ken…Ken…Ken… Like - life does not begin and end with surfing! There is more to life like clothes and being seen with the right people in the right places in the right time

G.I. JOE
(laughing)
Ha! See what I mean? She's not hanging-ten on your board anymore. She wants a real man and that's why I'm here! The time is right babe for you and me! Wanna go blow up something, babe?

KEN
Oh yeah? We go back like…forever, right Barb? We always were and we always will be and there's nothing that you can do about it. We've always been boyfriend and girlfriend – always. Course there was a time when we broke up… I was like…so depressed… Didn't come out of the water for weeks… Hadda get a whole new plastic skin transplant…and the smell!

G.I. JOE
You pathetic piece of plastic! You're nothing but… Press the red button on my back, sissy-boy. My new leg replacement has molded together, again

KEN
Maybe I will…and maybe I won't. Hmmmm….let me see now…

G.I. JOE
Oh fer… Okay. Tell 'ya what. Help me out and I'll give you a ride in my jeep. Your new surfboard there would fit in the back seat just perfectly. You'll be a big hit with your surfer pretty boys. I mean friends

(KEN hops over – on tip-toes – and attempts to lift G.I. JOE's shirt but his arms won't bend)

KEN
Tough luck, soldier. No bend-o, no button push-o!

BARBIE
(laughing)
Like…you two! You're like…so-so…

G.I. JOE
…army tough?

KEN

…your best beach boy?

BARBIE
Silly guys! Weird of course! Always fighting over…moi. Didn't your mommies teach you how to share?

(Doorbell rings)

BARBIE
Now who could that be? Maybe…more designer outfits? Or perhaps an invitation to a club opening? Hmmmmm….

(BARBIE hops over to the door on tip-toe and opens it)

BARBIE
(gasping in shock)
Like…what are YOU doing here?

SASHA BRATZ
Like…hi! Like…is that the way to welcome your friends. Right girls?

(SASHA barges past BARBIE followed close behind by YASMIN, CHLOE BRATZ)

YASMIN, CHLOE
Yeah – like…is that the way to treat us? Ooooooo – new clothes! Be our best friend and let us try them on?

BARBIE
You have-got-to-be-kidding! Like…why would I, Barbie, world-famous fashionista, let you, my former best friends who stabbed me in the back, like…try on these beautiful new outfits created for ME!

SASHA
How about because we're here to tell you something very important!

BARBIE
Like…who cares?

YASMIN
You will when we tell you that…that...

BARBIE

That...what?

G.I. JOE

Want me to squeeze the truth outta her, babe? Huh? I can y'know! Just say the word

(TO BE CONTINUED. WHAT IMPORTANT INFO. DO THE BRATZ'S HAVE TO TELL BARBIE? WE'LL FIND OUT DURING OUR NEXT VISIT TO PLASTICVILLE)

2008-07-27T09:18:00.007-04:00

THE TRANSFAT DILEMMA: a commentary and comedy focusing on the evils of transfats

By Eleanor Tylbor

News item: "Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger signed legislation yesterday banning the artery-clogging substance in the state's restaurants starting in 2010 and from all baked goods by 2011. Though some cities, such as New York, Philadelphia and Seattle, have enacted bans on trans fats, California becomes the first state with such a law."

SCENE: A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT. YOUNG MAN/WOMAN IS AT COUNTER AND WAITING TO BE SERVED. SHE/HE IS APPROACHED BY FAST-FOOD SERVER.

SERVER
Hi there! How can we help you?

CUSTOMER1
Depends. How's your menu?

SERVER
(taken aback)
Well...We have a great choice of burgers and fries and...

CUSTOMER1...
that's it.

SERVER
You want a burger and fries?

CUSTOMER1
Depends. Now how are your trans fats?

SERVER
Pardon?

CUSTOMER1
You know...trans fats? The bad stuff that causes clogged arteries?

SERVER
Huh?

CUSTOMER1
Your heart? The thing that beats in your chest? Clogged and then a massive heart attack? Death sometimes?

SERVER
(backing away)
Uh-huh...

CUSTOMER1
Didn't you get the message that Gov. Schwarzennegger has banned transfats in restaurants? Do you have any?

SERVER
I'm sorry but I really don't know what you're talking about

CUSTOMER1
See - that's the problem. Most people don't and especially the fast food places but it's there alright! So do you?

SERVER
(moving away from counter)
You're beginning to scare me, sir/lady! I don't know! Really!

CUSTOMER1
There's the rub. Very few people know about transfats in fries, burgers, chocolate bars and all that junk food but it's there

SERVER
Maybe I should call my manager...

CUSTOMER1
It's really an easy question. Do you or don't you have trans fats?

SERVER
(starting to cry)
I-I don't know...

(Other customers start to gather around)

CUSTOMER2
Hey! What are you saying? Are you threatening this girl?

CUSTOMER 1
I was merely asking her if the food served here contains trans fats. I didn't realize it would be construed as threatening.

CUSTOMER 2
Yeah... I heard about that. Good move by Arnie and it's about time! (turning to the server) Does it have any?

SERVER
I dunno! I dunno! I only work here!

CUSTOMER 3
'She only works here!' Isn't that what they all say? Nobody takes responsibility for anything these days

CUSTOMER 2
Ain't that the truth!

CUSTOMER 4
Yeah! We get the heart attacks and they tell us they don't know!

(All the customers get involved in a shouting match, complainting about trans fats)

CUSTOMER1
(to server who is being consoled by another server)
Know what? I'm not in the mood for a burger and fries. I'm more in a..."salad-ish" mood!

CUSTOMER 1
(leaves the store with customers and servers yelling at each other)
Wonder how much transfat is in salad dressing...

2008-07-18T07:47:00.006-04:00

JURY RULES IN FAVOR OF MATTEL. BARBIE MIFFED - KEN INDIFFERENT

by Eleanor Tylbor

"Barbie and Bratz dolls are sisters, a jury has decided in a major victory to Mattel Inc., the world's largest toymaker, in its copyright infringement lawsuit against rival MGA Entertainment Inc.

The federal jury decided Thursday that the designer of MGA's Bratz characters conceived the idea for the dolls while working for Mattel — a ruling that could mean millions of dollars for the Barbie maker when the jury considers possible damages during a separate proceeding.

"http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080718/ap_on_bi_ge/mattel_bratz

Word has it that Barbie and the Bratz' do not accept the reality that they are related.

"Like - how can...they be related to someone so...so...famous like me?" Barbie was quoted as commenting after the decision. "It's just not possible, that's all I have to say. Please make sure to photograph my best side."

For their part the Bratz girls aren't surprised with the verdict.

"We knew we were Mattel," Yasmine Bratz said. "I mean, we always felt - you know - Mattel-ish. We have our own site now and you can join us at http://www.bratz.com/ for fun and games and fashion advice."

"Fashion advice! What do...they know about fashion?" Barbie interjected. "No sense of color...or style...or...""Oh yeah? Well...girlfriend, at least we have joints that bend, which is more than can be said for you! I mean, who wants to spend their entire lives walking on tip-toe!"

"That is like...so mean!" Barbie said. "Isn't that a mean thing to say, Ken?" Barbie asked and then nudged her some times significant-other."Well isn't it?" Barbie asked once again.

"Surf's up!" Ken responded, throwing down his surfboard on the ground and attempting to surf ride the waves.

At that point the press conference was over and Barbie and the Bratz girls left arm-in-arms.

"Like...how can you go out with him?" Sasha Bratz asked, shaking her head incredulously watching Ken balancing on his surfboard.

"It's the price I must pay for being a famous personality and fashionista," Barbie sighed.

"Hey - this is a good wave!" Ken yelled, his arms flaying wildly on the floor.

2008-06-16T15:18:00.004-04:00

THREAT OF STRIKE FOR WRITERS/PRODUCERS - TV COULD GET A WHOLE LOT WORSE

"With their current deal set to expire on June 30, Hollywood actors and producers had yet to sign a new contract by June 13. And with each passing day, the likelihood of an actors’ strike—while practically unthinkable so soon after the Writers Guild of America strike turned the 2008 development season on its head—seems increasingly possible, especially with both sides sparring so publicly.

SAG president Alan Rosenberg has said the American Federation of TV and Radio Artists, which signed a tentative deal with producers last month, had made no headway on those points. SAG, representing about 120,000 actors, singers, dancers and stunt men, staged a rally last week to persuade the 44,000 or so of its members who also belong to AFTRA to delay ratifying their new contract until after SAG had completed its negotiations with the Alliance of Motion Picture and TV Producers."

Given the current TV schedule and programs that passed for entertainment this season, things could be a whole lot worse.

Read the entire story here: http://www.mediaweek.com/mw/content_display/news/national-broadcast/e3i5597024fecf11e332dbcd600b1e07895