SCENES FROM LIFE:
A SHORT PLAY

AT THE HAIRDRESSER - PART 3


SCENE: A SMALL HAIR SALON. HAIR STYLIST PEGGY IS EATING LUNCH. CLIENT 1 ENTERS. ANOTHER CLIENT, STELLA, IS SITTING ON A COUCH, HER HEAD COVERED WITH HAIR DYE


PEGGY
Hi! Be with you in a sec. Just finishing lunch. First time I'm sitting down all morning


CLIENT
No problem. I'm not in a rush


PEGGY
What's it like outside, now?


CLIENT
Better than the last time I was here. Remember it was free-zing?


PEGGY
That was when that lady had a car accident, no?


CLIENT
Uh-huh. Did you ever find out what happened?

PEGGY
Neh. We just watched out the window 'til the car was towed away.

(turns her head to face MARY, another hair stylist, who is reading a fashion magazine)

But we would have known had MARY gone to find out, like I asked!

MARY
It was cold out. Why couldn't someone else go? Like Peter over there

(PETER, another stylist is trimming a male client's hair)

PETER
You talking to me?

MARY
You're the only guy with the name Peter here

PETER'S CLIENT
Hey - that's my name, too!

MARY
Seriously? Go figure!

PETER'S CLIENT
Neh. Just kidding

(PETER & his client laugh)

MARY
Ha-ha... stupid and more stupider think they're funny. Whatever...

PETER'S CLIENT
Hey! I'm a customer. I deserve respect!

PETER
Don't mind her. It's probably "that" time of the month. You know what I mean

(Peter and his client laugh)

MARY
How did you guess? Wanna share a tampon? I got an extra one

PETER
You are one weird chick...

MARY
You are one sexist pig

PEGGY
Moving right along. Did anybody watch the wedding?

(STELLA's eyes are glued to a small TV set on the wall)

STELLA
Isn't she beautiful? They look like such a happy couple

PETER
Give them time. They just got married

STELLA
So cynical at your age! Young love is wonderful!

MARY
The only love that Peter has is for himself

(Peggy and Mary laugh together)

STELLA
You like her dress? I think it's too plain. A royal princess...

PEGGY
...she's not a princess, Stella...

STELLA
She's not a princess?? Then what is she?

MARY
She's a plain person, like you and me

STELLA
But...she married a Prince! That's gotta make her something special

MARY
I'm sure she is, at least to William!

STELLA
Are you sure?

PEGGY
Mary's right. She's a commoner

STELLA
She's common? She doesn't come from a nice family?

PEGGY
No - I mean - of course she does but she's just not a princess

STELLA
I dunno...I think she is

(few seconds of quiet as everyone stares at the TV screen)

STELLA
(cont'd.)
What you think of her veil? I think it's not fancy enough

PEGGY
Well - it's...okay

MARY
It's plain but very classy. Suits her nicely

PETER
(high pitch, feminine voice)
Well - I personally think it should have had - you know - more flowers and pretty things? Oh and those hats the guests wore - they made such a statement! Yuck!

PETER'S CLIENT
Oh I couldn't agree with you more

(they both laugh out loud together)

MARY
Like I said, small things amuse small minds

STELLA
I'm dripping

MARY
What?

STELLA
I'm dripping. I think the dye is ready to be washed

MARY
(checking her watch)
Oh yeah - you're right. Move over to the sink?

STELLA
(glancing at the TV)
Her dress could have been fancier. A princess should have a fancy dress like she's an important person

PEGGY
Stella - she's not a prin... Forget about it...

This is one of my started-but-not-finished full plays that I've tweaked. I've always liked it but for whatever reason, never completed it fully to its conclusion. Have done many updates. Perhaps that's my problem as a playwright: starting plays without carrying them through to the end. Over the years have come up with a number of possible endings, which is a good start. An ending means all I have to do is fill in the blanks and create a middle. Some of the cast characters listed, are introduced as the play progresses, later on.

The story focuses on a row of shrubs separating the back gardens of two neighbors and their continuing fued as to their ownership.



NEIGHBORS
(April 2011)



CAST OF CHARACTERS:


TAYLOR, JEFFREY, 45,
PORTMAN, ROBBIE, 47,
JENKINS, 50, next door neighbor on other side
PATTY, 40-ish, bartender
MARTINI, 60, land surveyor and friend of PORTMAN


THE TIME

The present. Mid-summer


SETTING: Back garden(s) of two neighbors. A picket fence separates their properties

AT RISE: Morning. Hot summer's day.

SOUND: Lawnmowers

ROBBIE (ROB) PORTMAN lazes in a hammock reading a book, holding a glass of liquid in his other hand. Dressed in cut-off jeans and a grungy tee shirt, his hair is long, unkempt and he sports a heavy beard

JEFFREY TAYLOR, his next-door neighbor is the antithesis of Portman and a perfectionist. He hoes his garden wearing a short-sleeved dress shirt, tie and pants. He stops to rest and slowly makes his way over to the fence and studies PORTMAN


TAYLOR
(wiping forehead)
Phee-ew! Must be a hundred degrees in the shade today. I’d be indoors right now if my tomatoes didn’t need pampering. That’s the real secret of growing big veggies, y’know? Give ‘em extra ‘TLC'. Hello? Am I disturbing you?

PORTMAN
(Takes gulp of liquid from glass)
Must be them damn chipmunks making a racket again

TAYLOR
How long you been laying there?

PORTMAN
Let's see now...what time did the sun come up?

TAYLOR
Had another liquid breakfast, did we?

PORTMAN
FYI - this is healthy, pure Florida, vitamin C orange juice

TAYLOR
You expect me to believe that's straight orange juice without any - how shall we say - additives? Pllleeze! Don't insult my intelligence

PORTMAN
Go suck on a lemon

TAYLOR
My-oh-my! Touchy-touchy aren’t we?

PORTMAN
Anything you say goes in one ear and out the other. Just like the hole in your head

TAYLOR
You know damn well what I'm getting at

PORTMAN
Just say it. You’re dying to. Then go away - forever!

TAYLOR
It’s not like I haven’t expressed my feelings a thousand times before

PORTMAN
How does what I do affect your life?

TAYLOR
Christ Portman, it's only gone ten in the morning! You’re well on your way to turning into an alcoholic. Doesn't that bother you? Why am I asking such a dumb question

PORTMAN
Been there - heard it all before, so don’t waste your breath. Go tend to your carrots or something. They need the Taylor touch

TAYLOR
Don’t ask me why but I care ‘bout you. I don't wanna see you end up with cirrhosis of the liver - or worse

PORTMAN
Since when do you give a crap about whether I live or die? My passing would make your life easier. Maybe somebody who loves zucchinis would move in and the two of you could get all touchy/feely running your hands all over them

TAYLOR
Do you see the incongruity in your chosen profession?

PORTMAN
Maybe I would if I could understand the question. Can’t you speak plain English like us regular people?

TAYLOR
It's the absurdity of it all? Do you get what I’m trying to tell you?

PORTMAN
Not really but I’ll have a dictionary handy the next time you give me another of your Taylor life lectures

TAYLOR
Owning a bar must be the best thing that ever happened to you with your thirst

PORTMAN
It’s a living and I like the people who drop by. You know – regular people, something you wouldn’t know anything about

TAYLOR
Denial - the sign of a true alcoholic. Can’t you see the writing on the wall?

PORTMAN
Not really but that dumb "keep of the grass” sign you got posted all over your property is the joke of the neighborhood

(Drains glass and glances at wrist watch)

Gotta leave. Patty is opening for me today

TAYLOR
Patty? She another of those hooter waitresses you hired?

PORTMAN
As if someone like you notice those things. You’re more into cucumbers if you get my drift. FYI - and not that it's any of your business - but Patty is the right hand to my left

TAYLOR
I bet she is – and then some

PORTMAN
What would someone like you know about women? Stick to zucchinis and cucumbers. They're more your style

TAYLOR
Spare me another of your drunken hallucinatory rants

PORTMAN
Take a look at yourself and your life. Work your butt off for a multi-national all those years, and what's it got you? A dinky house and a veggie garden

TAYLOR
Save me from the melancholy drunk offering his view of life in a brief second of clarity. What would someone like you know about work? Huh? In all the years we've lived next door to each other, the only position I've seen you in is lying on your back, with your lips glued to the rim of a beer bottle. How long has it been, anyway, since you held down any type of job if ever?

PORTMAN
What's it your business?

TAYLOR
You must be in your mid-forties or thereabouts?

PORTMAN
Never found a position to suit my qualifications. So what!

TAYLOR
Must be ne'er impossible to find a company that's looking for a hammock tester. How you've managed to survive on next to nothing is nothing short of a miracle, but then I would imagine your needs are few and far between. A bottle opener, a case of beer and you're all set

PORTMAN
Don't need big money to impress people, like you do. I'm a simple guy with simple tastes

TAYLOR
And a raging one for booze. How many bottles d'ya drink of that poison a day? A dozen? More?

PORTMAN
Who counts?

TAYLOR
You sure as hell don't. Just bugs me to see you frittering your life away, doing nothing productive

PORTMAN
So don't look man! Turn your head the other way and mind your own business for a change and not mine! Get off my back! Go home! Your lettuce is calling you!

TAYLOR
All I can say is that I wouldn't waste mine laying on my backside day after day, year after year

PORTMAN
It beats having to listen to you foam at the mouth about the evils of drinking

TAYLOR
A person has'ta leave his mark on this world! He's gotta be able to tell his children and grandchildren: I-was-here!

PORTMAN
My niece and nephew will know all about me, alright ‘cause I’m leaving them something to remember me by. When I pass on, this here house'l go to them, along with those be-u-tee-ful shrubs. Course I'll make sure to have that all included in my will

TAYLOR
By the time they inherit your house if you still own it, which is highly unlikely because the bank will probably take it back, those shrubs'l be long gone, I can promise you that

PORTMAN
(distracted)
Might even build a de-lux-ee tree house for them this summer so's their gran-kids will learn all about nature, up close and personal-like

TAYLOR
Wouldn't count on that, if I was you...

PORTMAN
...maybe hang some tire swings from the branches…

TAYLOR
Over my dead body!

PORTMAN
I can arrange that. Anyway, you don't have any say what I do with them shrubs

TAYLOR
Maybe not right now but don't count on them being there much longer if I have my way

PORTMAN
Thinking of moving? I know some guys who'll move you real cheap. Of course you may never see your furniture again…

TAYLOR
How come the topic of conversation between us always ends up about your shrubs growing on my property? Ten years of begging you to dig 'em up and they're still standing, getting taller every year. The longer you leave them, the more it's gonna cost you to cut 'em down when the time comes

PORTMAN
They ain't ever gonna be cut so why should I worry?

TAYLOR
Why must we always have this continuous confrontational relationship? Huh? We used to be close buds in high school. Remember?

PORTMAN
Even then you always thought you was better'n me. Your delusions started early

TAYLOR
Hey! I always defended you when everyone said you weren't fit to live with pigs. It was me who said you were! (laughs)

PORTMAN
Lookout world! Now Taylor thinks he's a comedian! Next thing you know he'll be tryin' to get his own talk show! You're a joke!

TAYLOR
It was a weak attempt at a little levity to lighten up our conversation. Seriously Robbie, what happened to our friendship over the years?

PORTMAN
So now it's ‘Robbie’? Don't try to sweet talk me 'cause I'm on to you. You'll never convince me to cut down my beauties as long as I'm living here, and I don't plan on movin' in the near distant future

TAYLOR
You're taking my gesture of friendship the wrong way. Look, let's forget about our...misunderstandings in the past. With a concerted effort on both our parts, we could be good friends again or at the very least, civil to each other. I mean, I could help you cut down those shrubs, which will save you money that you don't have anyway...

PORTMAN
(springing into an upright position)

...when pigs grow wings! You think I was born yesterday? As long as I do what you want, we can be friends, right? I got news for you! I don't give a damn about bein' your buddy. In fact, I don't even care if we ever speak to each other again! If there was a brick wall separating us, that would suit me just fine

TAYLOR
Don't be so hasty to refuse. I'm willing to let bygones be bygones. We could start the healing process by painting the outside of your house, together. That would be a good start. Hey - I can probably get us a discount on top quality exterior paint at Mackinley's Hardware, since I've been doing business with them for years. It'll be just like things were way back when

PORTMAN
Hel-lo! Ya haven't heard one word I said. Even if we did become friends, which ain't gonna happen in this lifetime, what'll we talk about? Huh? How to grow string beans? Think I don't see through your plan? The only reason you're talkin' to me nice-like, is 'cause nothing in the past has worked, and nothing you're gonna do in the future is gonna change a damn thing. Time for another beer. Sure you don't want one?

(takes a beer out of a cooler, snaps off the cap and drinks)

TAYLOR
Thing is, you hav'ta be blind not to see that the shrubs are a good two feet on my property. Tell you what. As an act of good faith and to show you that I'm sincere, I'll pay half the cost to have them removed. Now tell me that I'm not a good neighbor!

PORTMAN
What-a-guy! Gets me right… (pats his bum) here. Until you can prove to me that they're legally on your side, we ain't got nothin' to talk about. Until then…bottoms up

SCENES FROM LIFE:
A SHORT PLAY

AT THE HAIRDRESSER - PART 3


SCENE: A SMALL HAIR SALON. HAIR STYLIST PEGGY IS EATING LUNCH. CLIENT 1 ENTERS. ANOTHER CLIENT, STELLA, IS SITTING ON A COUCH, HER HEAD COVERED WITH HAIR DYE


PEGGY
Hi! Be with you in a sec. Just finishing lunch. First time I'm sitting down all morning


CLIENT
No problem. I'm not in a rush


PEGGY
What's it like outside, now?


CLIENT
Better than the last time I was here. Remember it was free-zing?


PEGGY
That was when that lady had a car accident, no?


CLIENT
Uh-huh. Did you ever find out what happened?

PEGGY
Neh. We just watched out the window 'til the car was towed away.

(turns her head to face MARY, another hair stylist, who is reading a fashion magazine)

But we would have known had MARY gone to find out, like I asked!

MARY
It was cold out. Why couldn't someone else go? Like Peter over there

(PETER, another stylist is trimming a male client's hair)

PETER
You talking to me?

MARY
You're the only guy with the name Peter here

PETER'S CLIENT
Hey - that's my name, too!

MARY
Seriously? Go figure!

PETER'S CLIENT
Neh. Just kidding

(PETER & his client laugh)

MARY
Ha-ha... stupid and more stupider think they're funny. Whatever...

PETER'S CLIENT
Hey! I'm a customer. I deserve respect!

PETER
Don't mind her. It's probably "that" time of the month. You know what I mean

(Peter and his client laugh)

MARY
How did you guess? Wanna share a tampon? I got an extra one

PETER
You are one weird chick...

MARY
You are one sexist pig

PEGGY
Moving right along. Did anybody watch the wedding?

(STELLA's eyes are glued to a small TV set on the wall)

STELLA
Isn't she beautiful? They look like such a happy couple

PETER
Give them time. They just got married

STELLA
So cynical at your age! Young love is wonderful!

MARY
The only love that Peter has is for himself

(Peggy and Mary laugh together)

STELLA
You like her dress? I think it's too plain. A royal princess...

PEGGY
...she's not a princess, Stella...

STELLA
She's not a princess?? Then what is she?

MARY
She's a plain person, like you and me

STELLA
But...she married a Prince! That's gotta make her something special

MARY
I'm sure she is, at least to William!

STELLA
Are you sure?

PEGGY
Mary's right. She's a commoner

STELLA
She's common? She doesn't come from a nice family?

PEGGY
No - I mean - of course she does but she's just not a princess

STELLA
I dunno...I think she is

(few seconds of quiet as everyone stares at the TV screen)

STELLA
(cont'd.)
What you think of her veil? I think it's not fancy enough

PEGGY
Well - it's...okay

MARY
It's plain but very classy. Suits her nicely

PETER
(high pitch, feminine voice)
Well - I personally think it should have had - you know - more flowers and pretty things? Oh and those hats the guests wore - they made such a statement! Yuck!

PETER'S CLIENT
Oh I couldn't agree with you more

(they both laugh out loud together)

MARY
Like I said, small things amuse small minds

STELLA
I'm dripping

MARY
What?

STELLA
I'm dripping. I think the dye is ready to be washed

MARY
(checking her watch)
Oh yeah - you're right. Move over to the sink?

STELLA
(glancing at the TV)
Her dress could have been fancier. A princess should have a fancy dress like she's an important person

PEGGY
Stella - she's not a prin... Forget about it...

THE GOOD AND THE NOT-SO-GOOD UPDATE


"So Eleanor - tell us whether you submitted your revised and almost completely re-written play, "Old Soldiers" to the BBC International Playwriting Competition."


Missed the deadline for BBC International Playwriting Competition. It's so demoralizing. In spite of all my good intentions, that's as far as it got: good intentions. It couldn't be done - at least in time for this year. So what else is new but there's always next year. Even if nothing else, I'll have another play to submit.

It's not that the story line is weak but it requires a complete 're-think-through' and revisions that can't be made quickly. For example, in the re-write the opening has been changed to a bar (or pub) whereas in the short story, it was in Joe McKenna's apartment where he was alone with his thoughts and the occasional out-loud comment. It could work on stage but IMHO, not for radio.

Also added characters, Joe's friends and veterans, who meet at a bar/pub to toast another fallen old soldier - hence the name of the play. It's important to know why Joe et all feel the way they do. They are relics from another era who are suffering the ravages of old age. They are alone and in spite of their bickering, depend on each other for social inter-action and solace. Their medications require monetary output that they can't afford and their quality of life is limited.

Debating whether to introduce the character of Joe's landlady who does not presently exist and if so, whether or not she should be sympathetic or quite simply, mean. Also toying with the idea of adding a young boy or girl into the mix when Joe is in the park attending ceremonies. As they say: out of the mouths of babes, comes the real truth and clarity.

As stated - story is still in the revision/thinking things over, stage.

Meanwhile, went on the BBC site and read over a page focusing on writing a radio script, and another piece on hints for radio. Very helpful. Will print up the pages and keep them handy.


"Any good news to share with us, perhaps?"
Passed along my comedy play, "A Wedding!" to an aquaintance/actor/etc. for C&C and received a positive feedback. This was the first play I wrote and a personal favorite, although "Gin..." is funnier, again IMHO. This lifted my spirits although he suggested that I cut 10 pages.

Cut 10 pages??? Is that all???

This would mean I would have to consider yet another umpteenth re-write and I'm really not sure if I'm prepared to make a drastic change of this nature, at least not at this point. I'll think about it. Any positive feedback is an incentive to hang in but it gets harder. Perhaps the plays just aren't stage-worthy...then again, perhaps they are! Go know!

Meanwhile in order to keep my brain in a dialogue frame of mind, I'm going to start writing some more short pieces focusing on the adventures of Barbie and Ken and friends, and more scenes from life: a short playette. The latter are fun to write.

This best sums it all up: "If I write a new play, my point of view may be profoundly modified. I may be obliged to contradict myself and I may no longer know whether I still think what I think."
EUGENE IONESCO, Notes and Counter Notes